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At Wits End.... Please Help

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  • At Wits End.... Please Help

    I have been divorced since Oct 2005, my ex and I have joint custody with the ex having primary physical and I having secondary. The ex since then has moved 78 miles away (without either mine or the courts approval) was FINALLY found in contempt over 2 years later, but then the judge decided she didn't have the right to find her in contempt. The reader's digest version is... I am at my wits end with the NC Court System, NC Judges and my ex wife. Everytime she doesn't want me to have my daughter she just inadvertantly FORGETS it was my time to have my daughter. I have decided that since the NC Court System REFUSES to help, stand by THEIR orders, or even remotely attempt to make anything right. I will just terminate my rights as her father. This is not without MUCH delibertation, but my daughter has been brainwashed into believing everything her mother says is true and I am a liar. Never thought that anything could hurt so much, but after spending ALL my retirement, any savings I have and being in debted to everyone. I cannot continue to fight this fight.

    If anyone can help or knows how to get a suitable resolution, please let me know. Thank you.

  • #2
    The courts won't terminate your rights unless your wife is married to a man who wants to adopt her. Your daughter has a right to your support, and she NEEDS to know that her father kept fighting for her, no matter what. And when she's older, she'll figure out soon enough which parent was the jerk, and she'll need to know you were there for her the whole time.

    Keep fighting, without a lawyer if you have to, get a NOLO press book on family law and learn it. Write letters to her periodically, (keep a copy in case they never get delivered, you can give them to her in bulk later). Tell her how much you love her and miss her, let her know who you are and that you'll never give up.

    Join a support group, you don't have to go through this alone. But DON'T give up!!!!! Make sure you have phone records of calling her 1 week, 3 days and 1 day ahead of time to remind her of your visit. If she's not there, sit there until she gets there. Bring a good book. Write your daughter a letter while you're waiting.

    A girl's relationship with men is mostly driven by what her relationship was with her father. She NEEEDs you! Her FUTURE depends on you! Please don't give up.
    I am not an attorney, and don't play one on TV. Any information given is a description only and should be verified by your attorney.


    • #3
      I wholeheartedly agree with Alice.

      Please do not give up trying to be a father. Start going pro-se to save money, and keep filing for contempt when ex denies visitations.

      With a biased Judge, you might not win in court, but some day your daughter will want to know what happened, and you will be able to tell her how hard you fought and never gave up. Believe it or not, once a child reaches adulthood, knowing that thier absent parent did actually fight it can make a huge difference.


      • #4
        But that;s not all...

        Alice & Xena,
        I only started this with the minimal info for you guys because I didn't know if anyone would actually answer me. This has been going on since May of 2005. I left my ex-wife and as long as I was paying EVERYTHING for her I got to see my daughter pretty much whenever I wanted.

        All my friends told me to stop the money and all the other stuff I was doing for her, to the tune of about $1800.00 a month. As soon as I stopped the money the headaches began. I am a police officer, so I have to watch everything I do and say or my ex tries to get me fired. She has called the station and told them I kidnapped my daughter, took her out of state and was never coming back, when all I did in reality was take my daughter to some friends for Christmas. My daughter called her mom and e-mailed her mom the whole time we were gone.

        Since then, the courts have ordered joint legal/physical custody of my daughter to both of us, with the ex having primary and me having secondary, (because of my job and my schedule. I work 4 on, 4 off). So in the middle of that my ex decided around Christmas time 2007 she was going to take my daughter out of school during Christmas break and move 78 miles away. This of course was without my permission or the courts permission. It took me 18 months to get it back in court, and by then the judge said my daughter was settled and they could not do anything about it. I still fought for some type of ruling. So now we are at the 2 year mark. The judge ruled my ex was in contempt of court, she had 30 days to move back to the county they were previously residing in, pay my attorney fees and provide all transportation to and from me to "purge" the contempt order. Well all she did was comply with the transportation order. No attorney fees or moving, instead she rented an apartment in the county and stayed there twice. Finally she was held in contempt and ordered to 30 days in jail.

        Not a week after that and the ordering judge said he wasn't sure if she could order that and she "knew" me since I am an officer (which she has known the entire time) and withdrew from the case. Now, another female judge takes the case, but again she decides she knows me and cannot try the case. A third judge says she knows me also, but will try the contempt case and the new issue of whether or not my getting married is a "substantial change" to modify the case.

        End result there was she found my ex was in contempt of court, ordered her in jail for 30 days but my ex got to keep my daughter because my daughter was settled now is school and had all my ex-wife's family there to help with her care. Still ordered joint legal/physical custody and that I have been over paying on Schedule A and would look at a credit for me.

        (FYI - my ex was also found guilty of parent alienation, and NOTHING ever done)

        The jail NEVER happened, instead they ordered the case moved to the county my ex and daughter now live in. Plus the over payment of child support NEVER happened either.

        I have never minded paying child support for my daughter and have always been there for my daughter, but with all that has happened my daughter has and is still constantly being turned against me.

        She now lies to me to get to stay at home with her mom, go to the beach, or do whatever she wants. She just forgets not to post those things on her Facebook account. You see it's not just the ex anymore, she has successfully turned my daughter against me too. All she wants now is to see me on birthdays, christmas, .... times when SHE gets something.

        Why is it, that if "I" did these things, (ie. contempt of court, not following court orders, failure to allow her to see my child, all these things would land "ME" in jail. But let a Mom do it and everything is ok???? It has taken a 40 year old man that has upheld the law for 16 1/2 years, stood by court decision after court decision to only have people laugh in my face, to the point I will NEVER believe in the system again!!

        So P L E A S E tell me what I should do.... and thanks for your advise so far.


        • #5
          How old is the daugher? When you get vacation time, can you take her with you? BTW, she can't refuse to go to visitation.

          Since you're a cop, you know how to read the law. Maybe you need to take a break, read up on this, see if there's any way to get the custody dispute moved to another county where they don't know you, so you can get a fair shake. I don't know much about family law, but that Nolo book I recommended will tell you a lot more.

          Just aimless thoughts here, but don't even try to terminate parental rights, and don't try withholding child support, the courts and your boss will come after you for that. Just give visitation a break, do some research, write her those letters, (keep copies, like I said), stay involved with her school, whatever you can do.

          One thing I can say (uh-oh, here comes some woo-woo stuff). You are NOT in a great emotional state here, and decisions made from a bad state are never good. Get yourself to a Tony Robbins seminar, get one of his CD sets (Personal Power is great), read Awaken the Giant Within, or something. He's great for giving you "emotional mastery" where you can get in a more positive state, see more tools available to you that you didn't have, renew your energy etc. (No, I don't work for him, but I'm so impressed that I've volunteered at his seminars for 10 years). Also start watching as many comedies as you can - you need to LAUGH again. Yeah, I know this isn't legal advice, but it will help you be in a better position to make your legal decisions about your daughter. Really! And the NLP you learn from Tony will even help you work better in your job and create rapport with your daughter.
          I am not an attorney, and don't play one on TV. Any information given is a description only and should be verified by your attorney.


          • #6
            Attack the problems in smaller steps. Just establish some visitation routine for now. You are trying to do too much.

            You can't make them move closer. Mom can Constitutionally live wherever she wants. And don't try to terminate your rights. That will be devastating to your child for the rest of her life.
            Last edited by complwyr; 02-16-2011, 05:27 PM.
            Bob Bollinger, Attorney
            Board Certified Specialist in NC Workers' Compensation Law
            Charlotte, NC


            • #7
              Just a gentle reminder to watch the dates of posts - this thread originated in April of last year.
              The above answer, whatever it is, assumes that no legally binding and enforceable contract or CBA says otherwise. If it does, then the terms of the contract or CBA apply.


              The forum is intended for informational use only and should not be relied upon and is not a substitute for legal advice. The information contained on are opinions and suggestions of members and is not a representation of the opinions of does not warrant or vouch for the accuracy, completeness or usefulness of any postings or the qualifications of any person responding. Please consult a legal expert or seek the services of an attorney in your area for more accuracy on your specific situation.