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Grandson needs help Nebraska

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  • Grandson needs help Nebraska

    My grandson is 12 and his mother remarried and this step dad has become a thorn in his side. He doesn't want to go home and refuses to do any home counseling. Both the step dad and my daughter are mentally challenged and lie excessively which I was told in earlier is quite normal for her condition. We've caught this guy in lie after lie and confronted him numerous times, trying to tell him that he needs to become Chris's friend first before trying to parent. The step dad is 38 yrs old and never had any children and doesn't know the first thing about anything. My daughter came from a broken 1st marriage with an abusive soldier and she lived with us for 12 yrs, which basically we were the only parent images that this grandson has ever had since he came to live with us when he was 2 months old. He says if they make him come home he will just keep running away. This step dad keeps telling him that he has legal rights over Chris and he can do what ever he sees fit but to my knowledge unless he adopts this boy he doesn't have any legal say about him or to him....am I right? I'm so frustrated and just don't know what to do....do I make him go home when I know he will just turn to the streets or do I keep him and fight my daughter for custody? This guy is mentally and physically abusive to Chris and is a real jerk everytime they get alone with him the step dad just cusses him out and they blame him for all the family troubles. Please help and give us some advice.

  • #2
    step dad has absolutely no legal rights in this at all unless he has adopted the child. what does the boy's mom say about the situation? What about his bio dad?

    Comment


    • #3
      While the step father does not have any say over the child's well being, neither do you.

      It is simply not up to a 12 year old boy to decide where he lives and who takes care of him.

      Unless he is being abused, I would tell you to remove yourself from the situation. Your presence and influence in this situation isn't helping anything and is negatively impacting the situation.
      Not everything that makes you mad, sad or uncomfortable is legally actionable.

      I am not now nor ever was an attorney.

      Any statements I make are based purely upon my personal experiences and research which may or may not be accurate in a court of law.

      Comment


      • #4
        Agreed with Cyjeff. I do want to add, however, that if you truly know or believe that Chris is being abused, you need to report it.

        While the step father has no legal rights as they pertain to Chris, you have no right to tell him and the mother how to parent this child. You also have no legal right to keep Chris away from them. If you continue to do so, you are putting yourself at risk of interference of custody. If you do decide to file for custody (and I will have to look at something to tell you if that is even an option if the child has not been removed from the home by CPS) the way you are handling this puts you in a very weak and suspect position. It will be very easy to paint you as an interfering person who only wants to take her child away. And guess what? You have given her all the grounds she needs to support her case.

        The best way you can help your grandchild is to let him in on the fact that life ain't fair, everybody has to deal with someone he does not like, and he needs to figure out how to get along. (if he is being abused, this does not expressly apply). Teaching him that running from his problems is very harmful to his ability to develop into an adult that can handle tough situations. He's old enough to listen to reason and logic. If you want to help him, teach him how mature adults handle adversity.
        HOOK 'EM HORNS!!!
        How do you catch a very rare rabbit?
        (unique up on him)
        How do catch an ordinary rabbit?
        (same way)

        Comment


        • #5
          Not to mention the fact that you are agreeing with him when he wants to run away completely undermines any chance the new stepfather has of forming a relationship with Chris.

          Call Child Protective Services now if the child is being abused (and please tell me you have more than a 12 year old's word for that). Otherwise, it is time to back off.
          Not everything that makes you mad, sad or uncomfortable is legally actionable.

          I am not now nor ever was an attorney.

          Any statements I make are based purely upon my personal experiences and research which may or may not be accurate in a court of law.

          Comment


          • #6
            Grandson needs help in NE

            Well don't I just feel like a guppie who's been swallowed by a shark! Maybe I didn't make myself clear....we raised him for 12 yrs because his mother was not capable of caring for her children (the other son is 15), she can't drive, is legally blind in one eye and can't make a decision any better than other 12 yr olds because that is the age at which she stopped growing mentally. We had yrs of counseling and doctors, doctors and more doctors even ones who dealt with the boys about how to cope with their mother when the time comes that they surpass her in intelligence. It's been a tremendous long road we took on for our daughter because we love her and won't allow anyone to call her stupid or the like. She met this guy on an internett website and now to find out that he is too mentally challenged and has had a long history of lying and very frustrated with his anger and this is per his mother and brother. We sat him down before they got married and told the only thing he had to do was be good to my daughter and her boys and he'd never have any problem from us which is just what we did until they keep calling dragging us back into it. I don't want to send my grandson home when he tells us that he will run away and I guess he all ready has done that in the past but we do point out all the pitfalls about life's hardships and things a person must put up with in their life especially your working life. But this entire situation has been like a divorce to him with us representing the other parent because my daughter turned all the raising, decipline over to us for 12 yrs and didn't want to be envolved and she keep him close to her up until the time she married so he is a very very imature 12 yr old. Right now he feels his mother doesn't love him and that he is the cause of all their home life problems which isn't true. You know people you can drive a horse to the trough but you can't make them drink and I will not turn a 12 yr old boy out to the street to get mugged, raped or killed just to passify anyone. The stepdad is abusive both physically and mentally and won't even let this son play with his new half sister. They banter back and forth like they're both 12.....do any of you know what it is like to be in a household that is ran by immature 12 yr old adults and children....believe me it's a mess! I hate to call CPS because it will end up that all the kids will be taken away and put in foster care until it's all worked out I believe the best solution for this mess is to let him cool off and rid himself of his anger and then maybe he can begin to see through this wall he's put up. Maybe then he will be able to patch up his relationship with his mother and somehow become a family again. We are retired and him being with us just makes it impossible for us to travel or anything and we did this for many many yrs so we believe it's our best foot forward to try to get him to go home voluntarily! I really don't think I sounded like the twit you all think I am, I know the place of parents and grandparents and inlaws and I don't want to be dragged in the circle because I keep trying to get out of the circle! Simply Frustrated!

            Comment


            • #7
              no one here thinks you are stupid, but we all have our super emotionally charged situations that we can't see from a purely legal standpoint because we are too involved. That is why we come here- to get unbiased advice and insight.
              The people here are just giving you the facts. If the children are truely in harms way (and I would say being raised by someone with the mentality of a 12 year old would classify) then you need to call CPS. Yes, they may take the children for awhile and you could possibly petition for custody and it could be a mess and it could make ppl mad at you, etc, but you have to do what is best for the child.
              You are wanting us to condone you keeping your grandchild against his mother's wishes. We cannot do that- it is illegal. We are not telling you to turn the child out. We want him protected as much as you do, but we know it has to be done legally.
              Have you contacted an atty about possibly filing for emergency custody. I don't know if it's possible, but you could check.
              Please understand that a judge will not look favorably on you for keeping the child against his parents wishes- regardless of the reason. If you have reason to suspect abuse or that he is in danger- a judge would expect you to report it, not just take it into your own hands

              Comment


              • #8
                Please tell me where I said you were stupid or a twit. I did neither. I simply refused to lie to you to give you the answer you want to hear.

                Please do not think I am unsympathetic to your problem. I'm not. However, I am telling you that you cannot just keep your grandson. I know this must be nerve wracking for you. You need to send your grandson home, report the abuse and the problems at home to CPS, and file for custody. (I checked...it is an option in Nebraska.) If it comes to pass that the children are removed from the home, you can request that the children stay with you as opposed to foster care.

                Just because we did not give you the answer you want to hear does not make it wrong. If you don't handle this correctly, you could actually make the situation worse for your grandson.

                Contact CPS and report the abuse. If you are not willing to do that, there is nothing else you can do.
                HOOK 'EM HORNS!!!
                How do you catch a very rare rabbit?
                (unique up on him)
                How do catch an ordinary rabbit?
                (same way)

                Comment


                • #9
                  Grandson needs help in NE

                  I didn't actually mean someone called me stupid but you all made me feel like I didn't care about his situation and was being selfish and that is the furthest thing from my mind. It has been an extremely long road to raise our daughter and her children but we love them all. The phychologist and phychiatrist wanted us to obtain legal guardianship years ago for the boys but we would have to paint this horrible picture of our daughter and I just couldn't do that. My husband was dying with cancer and just too much too fast. I know full well that I'm paying the price now but thank God that after all of this I went to my daughter today and said let's talk and try to come up with what's best for Chris. To my astonishment she actually put him first and agreed that he needed to stay with us and take as much time as he needs to heal himself where he wants to go home on his own. I told her he may regain his relationship with her but he still may not want to ever live with the step dad again but we can cross one bridge at a time. At least he's safe and loved and we see to his needs and she is going to try and speed some quality time with him to try and convince him that she does love him and wants him to be part of her life. Also I did call an attorney and we definitely would be able to get custody of all the children even temporary until custody was settled, but I pray it doesn't ever come to that because I do love my daughter and have always tried to run interference for you making sure that everything is taken care of with the kids. If the step dad would try to refrain from his temper tantrums and act like an adult I would tolerate him and treat him fine so we could have peace in our family,.....because when we turn out the lights family will be beside you when everyone else goes home. I'm so sorry if I took all your advice the wrong way and I think I'm just too involved and hurting inside myself that I can't see the forest for the trees.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Now is the time to ask for guardianship of the boy. You may then, when appropriate, allow the boy to stay with his mother and may also, when appropriate, remove him to your home when needed.

                    I am not unsympathetic to your situation. Believe me, I, too, want what is best for the boy. However, I also know that if you don't play this by the numbers, the only home that he will be barred from is yours. That is the one thing no one wants.

                    I will address another point you make. You cannot have this situation go both ways. You cannot have the boy removed from his home without the parents being declared unfit. That is the iron truth.

                    This is why I am suggesting guardianship while your daughter is in the mood to help the boy.
                    Not everything that makes you mad, sad or uncomfortable is legally actionable.

                    I am not now nor ever was an attorney.

                    Any statements I make are based purely upon my personal experiences and research which may or may not be accurate in a court of law.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Grandson needs help in NE

                      You know CY you are so correct in what you say because I'm suffering and so is my grandson because I failed to do what I knew was best way on back there, even before she reached 18 yrs. I just couldn't bring myself to do that to her. She had such an abusive first marriage and of course none of this matter for the 12yrs we lived and took care of them all because she acted like their big sister and not a mom and what's worse is I let her do that. But I really felt good after our talk today because this is the first time my daughter has even replied back to me and actually engaged in a conversation, I was just flabbergasted. What a blessing it would be if somehow in all of this she's learning how to be more independent and I'm learning to let her go. I've always just wanted to protect my kids and my grandkids, nothing is more important than them. I'm probably too emotional to be on this website but I do want to keep informed and read up on what advice you guys have. I will take my stand and not ride the fence. Thanks to you all for your cander and honesty.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Just a little helpful tip...

                        If, when you talk to her about legal guardianship, she doesn't want to agree, you need to couch it in the explanation that you need legal guardianship to be able to have the right to handle his school and medical needs. You don't HAVE to tell her you want the guardianship to avoid this mess in the future. What's better, while it is true that you want the guardianship for his protection, it is not a lie that you need it to deal with his other needs.
                        HOOK 'EM HORNS!!!
                        How do you catch a very rare rabbit?
                        (unique up on him)
                        How do catch an ordinary rabbit?
                        (same way)

                        Comment

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