In sickness and in health?

[ml]

I know those are part of the vows we took, but...

I'm off work and probably won't be able to go back to my job. It's hard to
read or type a post here right now. I'm supposed to call tomorrow and
schedule to start physical therapy, and i admit i'm kinda scared both of the
pain and the future limitations. It's a degenerative condition that isn't
going to "get better" although we're hoping PT can alleviate some of the pain
without having to resort to surgery. I had really hoped that it was just a
pulled muscle or something.

I'm feeling sorry that my husband is stuck with this, even though he doesn't
complain. This wasn't what i had planned.

I've watched my dad have to spend the last 30 years caring for my mom and
being bound by her physical limitations. They had plans to travel after he
retired, and do all sorts of stuff that never happened. I guess that's part
of love and marriage, though.

Still just kind of confused about the whole thing. I'm not a bon-bon eating
woman who wants to be taken care of. I guess this is just kind of a blow to
the ego or something. I'm trying real hard not to fall into a depressive
episode, those accomplish nothing.

I'm curious, how would other people feel if their spouse became financially
unproductive?

[The Watsons]

In sickness and in health?


"ml" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]

I'm curious, how would other people feel if their spouse became financially unproductive?

In this case, no big deal.

Jess

[somebody]

In sickness and in health?

The Watsons wrote:

"ml" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]

I'm curious, how would other people feel if their spouse becamefinanciallyunproductive?

In this case, no big deal.

Ditto (I'm a guy)

[Doug Anderson]

In sickness and in health?

[email protected]m (ml) writes:

(snip)

Still just kind of confused about the whole thing. I'm not a bon-bon eating woman who wants to be taken care of. I guess this is just kind of a blow to the ego or something. I'm trying real hard not to fall into a depressive episode, those accomplish nothing.

Right.

I'm curious, how would other people feel if their spouse became financially unproductive?

It isn't important to me if my spouse doesn't earn any money. Of
course we'd have to adjust our lifestyle accordingly, but that would
actually be harder for her than for me.

On the other hand, it _is_ important to me that my spouse contributes to
our relationship and family. So losing her job wouldn't matter to me,
but losing her job and falling into a depressive episode would become
a problem.

Doug

[The Watsons]

In sickness and in health?


"Doug Anderson" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]

On the other hand, it _is_ important to me that my spouse contributes to our relationship and family. So losing her job wouldn't matter to me, but losing her job and falling into a depressive episode would become a problem.

I think one of the harder things to deal with in cases like this is making
the adjustment from financially productive and independent to still
productive in the marriage but somewhat less independent.

Jess

[Ignoramus25550]

In sickness and in health?

On Wed, 20 Oct 2004 16:51:48 GMT, ml <[email protected]> wrote:

I know those are part of the vows we took, but... I'm off work and probably won't be able to go back to my job. It's hard to read or type a post here right now. I'm supposed to call tomorrow and schedule to start physical therapy, and i admit i'm kinda scared both of the pain and the future limitations. It's a degenerative condition that isn't going to "get better" although we're hoping PT can alleviate some of the pain without having to resort to surgery. I had really hoped that it was just a pulled muscle or something.

I wish you luck!

I'm feeling sorry that my husband is stuck with this, even though he doesn't complain. This wasn't what i had planned. I've watched my dad have to spend the last 30 years caring for my mom and being bound by her physical limitations. They had plans to travel after he retired, and do all sorts of stuff that never happened. I guess that's part of love and marriage, though.

I am not going to defer enjoying life until retirement for this exact
reason.

Still just kind of confused about the whole thing. I'm not a bon-bon eating woman who wants to be taken care of. I guess this is just kind of a blow to the ego or something. I'm trying real hard not to fall into a depressive episode, those accomplish nothing.

It is good that you entertain these thoughts.

I'm curious, how would other people feel if their spouse became financially unproductive?

I would not care too much, we have enough money anyway.

i

[Doug Anderson]

In sickness and in health?

"The Watsons" <[email protected]> writes:

"Doug Anderson" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]

On the other hand, it _is_ important to me that my spouse contributes to our relationship and family. So losing her job wouldn't matter to me, but losing her job and falling into a depressive episode would become a problem.

I think one of the harder things to deal with in cases like this is making the adjustment from financially productive and independent to still productive in the marriage but somewhat less independent.

Perhaps. In our own case that is hard to see. We would be no less
independent if one of us lost a job. We'd just have less money!

Doug

[The Watsons]

In sickness and in health?


"Doug Anderson" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]

Perhaps. In our own case that is hard to see. We would be no less independent if one of us lost a job. We'd just have less money!

There was a perceived loss of independence here because he went from making
his own money and feeling able to have a say because it was his money to not
making his own money and feeling like he had less of a voice because it
wasn't "his" money and he'd suddenly gone from an equal partner to more of a
"burden", and he never really adjusted to that. I found in the support group
that it was actually pretty common.

Jess

[Doug Anderson]

In sickness and in health?

"The Watsons" <[email protected]> writes:

"Doug Anderson" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]

Perhaps. In our own case that is hard to see. We would be no less independent if one of us lost a job. We'd just have less money!

There was a perceived loss of independence here because he went from making his own money and feeling able to have a say because it was his money to not making his own money and feeling like he had less of a voice because it wasn't "his" money and he'd suddenly gone from an equal partner to more of a "burden", and he never really adjusted to that. I found in the support group that it was actually pretty common.

I see. I expect that having had only "joint" money for 20-some years
(through various income levels and job situations) means that we
wouldn't feel that way.

I also think that it is more socially acceptable for women not to work
than men, so it may be that men are more vulnerable to that perceived
loss of independence.

Doug

[The Watsons]

In sickness and in health?


"Doug Anderson" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]

I see. I expect that having had only "joint" money for 20-some years (through various income levels and job situations) means that we wouldn't feel that way.

That can make a significant difference.

I also think that it is more socially acceptable for women not to work than men, so it may be that men are more vulnerable to that perceived loss of independence.

Especially so in his family, because all of the men *have* to work-it's the
way they were raised.

Jess

[Tony Miller]

In sickness and in health?

On Wed, 20 Oct 2004 11:01:03 -0700, The Watsons
<[email protected]> wrote:

"Doug Anderson" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]

Perhaps. In our own case that is hard to see. We would be no less independent if one of us lost a job. We'd just have less money!

There was a perceived loss of independence here because he went from making his own money and feeling able to have a say because it was his money to not making his own money and feeling like he had less of a voice because it wasn't "his" money and he'd suddenly gone from an equal partner to more of a "burden", and he never really adjusted to that. I found in the support group that it was actually pretty common.

I think when you spend your entire marriage thinking of it as "our money",
it's a little easier.

-Tony

--
"If the grass appears to be greener on the other side of the fence, it's time
to fertilize your lawn!"
Want to jump start your marriage? Consider a Marriage Encounter weekend.
Check out http://www.wwme.org for more information.

[Tony Miller]

In sickness and in health?

On Wed, 20 Oct 2004 16:51:48 GMT, ml
<[email protected]> wrote:

I know those are part of the vows we took, but...

Yup.

I'm off work and probably won't be able to go back to my job. It's hard to read or type a post here right now. I'm supposed to call tomorrow and schedule to start physical therapy, and i admit i'm kinda scared both of the pain and the future limitations. It's a degenerative condition that isn't going to "get better" although we're hoping PT can alleviate some of the pain without having to resort to surgery. I had really hoped that it was just a pulled muscle or something. I'm feeling sorry that my husband is stuck with this, even though he doesn't complain. This wasn't what i had planned. I've watched my dad have to spend the last 30 years caring for my mom and being bound by her physical limitations. They had plans to travel after he retired, and do all sorts of stuff that never happened. I guess that's part of love and marriage, though.

Sure it is. My dad, who was one of the strongest and most independent men
I knew is 83 with a lung condition that will never get better. My mom
takes care of him which was part of the vows she took. But there's
another side it this. My dad has to learn to lovingly accept her help. I
think this is harder for him than it is for her.

Still just kind of confused about the whole thing. I'm not a bon-bon eating woman who wants to be taken care of. I guess this is just kind of a blow to the ego or something. I'm trying real hard not to fall into a depressive episode, those accomplish nothing. I'm curious, how would other people feel if their spouse became financially unproductive?

Money is so trivial to me that it isn't even worth discussing. If my wife
had to stop working, we might have to cut back on a few things, but we'd
do fine.

-Tony

--
"If the grass appears to be greener on the other side of the fence, it's time
to fertilize your lawn!"
Want to jump start your marriage? Consider a Marriage Encounter weekend.
Check out http://www.wwme.org for more information.

[The Watsons]

In sickness and in health?


"Tony Miller" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]

I think when you spend your entire marriage thinking of it as "our money", it's a little easier.

But when you're not working and disabled to the point that you need help to
get out of bed, it's really hard to think of the money coming in as "our
money."

Jess

[Tony Miller]

In sickness and in health?

On Wed, 20 Oct 2004 11:51:10 -0700, The Watsons
<[email protected]> wrote:

"Tony Miller" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]

I think when you spend your entire marriage thinking of it as "our money", it's a little easier.

But when you're not working and disabled to the point that you need help to get out of bed, it's really hard to think of the money coming in as "our money."

Maybe for you.

-Tony

--
"If the grass appears to be greener on the other side of the fence, it's time
to fertilize your lawn!"
Want to jump start your marriage? Consider a Marriage Encounter weekend.
Check out http://www.wwme.org for more information.

[JWB]

In sickness and in health?

Ignoramus25550 wrote:

On Wed, 20 Oct 2004 16:51:48 GMT, ml <[email protected]> wrote:

I've watched my dad have to spend the last 30 years caring for mymom and being bound by her physical limitations. They had plans totravel after he retired, and do all sorts of stuff that neverhappened. I guess that's part of love and marriage, though.

I am not going to defer enjoying life until retirement for this exact reason.

well said.