Announcement

**JWB** · 05-03-2004, 08:10 AM

Marriage on the rocks about moving

"Favre for President '04" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]

We origionally moved here near St. Louis from New Mexico almost 2 years

ago

to be closer to my family. They live about 4 hours away now, compared to

3

days of driving. She left behind her mom and the rest of her family so

that

we could be closer to mine. I come from a family of 10, my parents have been married for over 30 years, she comes from a broken family in which

her

mother has been re-married twice now. Family has always been a huge part

of

my life, and I want it to be a big part of my daughter's. My daughter was born a year ago in March, and now my worries are for

her,

the education out there is rated the poorest 2 years running. The crime

is

so much more abundant, and our finacial well-being is at stake by moving

out

there. In the 2 years of living out there, my family never visited once. They called pretty often and we flew out to see them twice a year, but now it seems like the reason we're moving back there is because her mom calls all the time telling her how much she misses my daughter. This is her

first

grandchild, and I understand all the hype along with it, but I have a feeling moving out west again will not make my wife any happier than she

is

now. I need help figuring all this out, should I bite the bullet like she did and just go back, or should I standmy ground and stay here for the

sake

of my daughter knowing her family.

your wife's family also must be included when you say "my daughter knowing
her family". You seem to think that your family is "better" than hers (why
else mention the multiple marriages).

You married your wife's family as well as your wife. You really should have
thought of that before having kids with her. If family is so important to
you, why didn't you marry someone in your hometown?

**JWB** · 05-03-2004, 08:10 AM

Marriage on the rocks about moving

"Favre for President '04" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]

We origionally moved here near St. Louis from New Mexico almost 2 years

ago

to be closer to my family. They live about 4 hours away now, compared to

3

days of driving. She left behind her mom and the rest of her family so

that

we could be closer to mine. I come from a family of 10, my parents have been married for over 30 years, she comes from a broken family in which

her

mother has been re-married twice now. Family has always been a huge part

of

my life, and I want it to be a big part of my daughter's. My daughter was born a year ago in March, and now my worries are for

her,

the education out there is rated the poorest 2 years running. The crime

is

so much more abundant, and our finacial well-being is at stake by moving

out

there. In the 2 years of living out there, my family never visited once. They called pretty often and we flew out to see them twice a year, but now it seems like the reason we're moving back there is because her mom calls all the time telling her how much she misses my daughter. This is her

first

grandchild, and I understand all the hype along with it, but I have a feeling moving out west again will not make my wife any happier than she

is

now. I need help figuring all this out, should I bite the bullet like she did and just go back, or should I standmy ground and stay here for the

sake

of my daughter knowing her family.

your wife's family also must be included when you say "my daughter knowing
her family". You seem to think that your family is "better" than hers (why
else mention the multiple marriages).

You married your wife's family as well as your wife. You really should have
thought of that before having kids with her. If family is so important to
you, why didn't you marry someone in your hometown?

**Nexis** · 05-03-2004, 08:46 AM

Marriage on the rocks about moving

"Favre for President '04" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]

We origionally moved here near St. Louis from New Mexico almost 2 years

ago

to be closer to my family. They live about 4 hours away now, compared to

3

days of driving. She left behind her mom and the rest of her family so

that

we could be closer to mine. I come from a family of 10, my parents have been married for over 30 years, she comes from a broken family in which

her

mother has been re-married twice now. Family has always been a huge part

of

my life, and I want it to be a big part of my daughter's. My daughter was born a year ago in March, and now my worries are for

her,

the education out there is rated the poorest 2 years running. The crime

is

so much more abundant, and our finacial well-being is at stake by moving

out

there. In the 2 years of living out there, my family never visited once. They called pretty often and we flew out to see them twice a year, but now it seems like the reason we're moving back there is because her mom calls all the time telling her how much she misses my daughter. This is her

first

grandchild, and I understand all the hype along with it, but I have a feeling moving out west again will not make my wife any happier than she

is

now. I need help figuring all this out, should I bite the bullet like she did and just go back, or should I standmy ground and stay here for the

sake

of my daughter knowing her family.

Maybe you could clarify a bit: How did the subject of moving come up? Is
your wife unhappy where you are now? Are you financially stable where you
are now? How does your family and your wife get along?
On thing I noticed throughout your post is that you seem to feel that your
family is more important than your wife's, which is wrong. You say "for the
sake of my daughter knowing her family", but your wife's family is your
daughters family every bit as much as yours is.
Moving is hard, and if you move again, it should be to a place you've chosen
because you feel you would be happy and successful there. And when I say
you, I mean you and your wife. Deciding together. List the pros and cons.
Maybe the solution lies in moving somewhere in between. Don't make up
reasons, but rather look at the facts. For example, you say that crime is
much more abundant in New Mexico, but St Louis has a personal crime rate
that is 5 times the national average. You don't say where you lived in New
Mexico, but Albequerque is 2 times. Gallup is on par with the national
average. Santa Fe is half the national average. As for schools, there are
good and bad schools in every community. The trick is doing your research
before your daughter is old enough to attend.
My point is, you seem to be looking for reasons to stay where you are
because *you* are happier near your family, not necessarily because the
reasons are the real issues. This isn't "bad" in and of itself, but you need
to take into consideration the happiness of your family as well and work
with your wife to come up with a solution that suits you both.

kimberly

**Nexis** · 05-03-2004, 08:46 AM

Marriage on the rocks about moving

"Favre for President '04" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]

We origionally moved here near St. Louis from New Mexico almost 2 years

ago

to be closer to my family. They live about 4 hours away now, compared to

3

days of driving. She left behind her mom and the rest of her family so

that

we could be closer to mine. I come from a family of 10, my parents have been married for over 30 years, she comes from a broken family in which

her

mother has been re-married twice now. Family has always been a huge part

of

my life, and I want it to be a big part of my daughter's. My daughter was born a year ago in March, and now my worries are for

her,

the education out there is rated the poorest 2 years running. The crime

is

so much more abundant, and our finacial well-being is at stake by moving

out

there. In the 2 years of living out there, my family never visited once. They called pretty often and we flew out to see them twice a year, but now it seems like the reason we're moving back there is because her mom calls all the time telling her how much she misses my daughter. This is her

first

grandchild, and I understand all the hype along with it, but I have a feeling moving out west again will not make my wife any happier than she

is

now. I need help figuring all this out, should I bite the bullet like she did and just go back, or should I standmy ground and stay here for the

sake

of my daughter knowing her family.

Maybe you could clarify a bit: How did the subject of moving come up? Is
your wife unhappy where you are now? Are you financially stable where you
are now? How does your family and your wife get along?
On thing I noticed throughout your post is that you seem to feel that your
family is more important than your wife's, which is wrong. You say "for the
sake of my daughter knowing her family", but your wife's family is your
daughters family every bit as much as yours is.
Moving is hard, and if you move again, it should be to a place you've chosen
because you feel you would be happy and successful there. And when I say
you, I mean you and your wife. Deciding together. List the pros and cons.
Maybe the solution lies in moving somewhere in between. Don't make up
reasons, but rather look at the facts. For example, you say that crime is
much more abundant in New Mexico, but St Louis has a personal crime rate
that is 5 times the national average. You don't say where you lived in New
Mexico, but Albequerque is 2 times. Gallup is on par with the national
average. Santa Fe is half the national average. As for schools, there are
good and bad schools in every community. The trick is doing your research
before your daughter is old enough to attend.
My point is, you seem to be looking for reasons to stay where you are
because *you* are happier near your family, not necessarily because the
reasons are the real issues. This isn't "bad" in and of itself, but you need
to take into consideration the happiness of your family as well and work
with your wife to come up with a solution that suits you both.

kimberly

**Doug Anderson** · 05-03-2004, 09:16 AM

Marriage on the rocks about moving

"Nexis" <[email protected]> writes:

"Favre for President '04" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]

We origionally moved here near St. Louis from New Mexico almost 2 years

ago

to be closer to my family. They live about 4 hours away now, compared to

3

days of driving. She left behind her mom and the rest of her family so

that

we could be closer to mine. I come from a family of 10, my parents have been married for over 30 years, she comes from a broken family in which

her

mother has been re-married twice now. Family has always been a huge part

of

my life, and I want it to be a big part of my daughter's. My daughter was born a year ago in March, and now my worries are for

her,

the education out there is rated the poorest 2 years running. The crime

is

so much more abundant, and our finacial well-being is at stake by moving

out

there. In the 2 years of living out there, my family never visited once. They called pretty often and we flew out to see them twice a year, but now it seems like the reason we're moving back there is because her mom calls all the time telling her how much she misses my daughter. This is her

first

grandchild, and I understand all the hype along with it, but I have a feeling moving out west again will not make my wife any happier than she

is

now. I need help figuring all this out, should I bite the bullet like she did and just go back, or should I standmy ground and stay here for the

sake

of my daughter knowing her family.

Maybe you could clarify a bit: How did the subject of moving come up? Is your wife unhappy where you are now? Are you financially stable where you are now? How does your family and your wife get along? On thing I noticed throughout your post is that you seem to feel that your family is more important than your wife's, which is wrong. You say "for the sake of my daughter knowing her family", but your wife's family is your daughters family every bit as much as yours is. Moving is hard, and if you move again, it should be to a place you've chosen because you feel you would be happy and successful there. And when I say you, I mean you and your wife. Deciding together. List the pros and cons.

Yes.

Maybe the solution lies in moving somewhere in between.

Probably not. If you are a long traveling distance from both
families, then it is hard to get much help. One big thing I'd look at
is which family is actually more likely to be helpful with the
day-to-day issues around having children. My wife and I didn't live
near either of our families when our children were born, and then we
moved even further away.

But if we were to have chosen where to live based on whose family to
be near, it would have been mine since my parents are both more
excited about their grandchildren, and more inclined to help out.

Don't make up reasons, but rather look at the facts. For example, you say that crime is much more abundant in New Mexico, but St Louis has a personal crime rate that is 5 times the national average. You don't say where you lived in New Mexico, but Albequerque is 2 times. Gallup is on par with the national average. Santa Fe is half the national average. As for schools, there are good and bad schools in every community. The trick is doing your research before your daughter is old enough to attend. My point is, you seem to be looking for reasons to stay where you are because *you* are happier near your family, not necessarily because the reasons are the real issues. This isn't "bad" in and of itself, but you need to take into consideration the happiness of your family as well and work with your wife to come up with a solution that suits you both.

The rest of this makes sense.

**Doug Anderson** · 05-03-2004, 09:16 AM

Marriage on the rocks about moving

"Nexis" <[email protected]> writes:

"Favre for President '04" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]

We origionally moved here near St. Louis from New Mexico almost 2 years

ago

to be closer to my family. They live about 4 hours away now, compared to

3

days of driving. She left behind her mom and the rest of her family so

that

we could be closer to mine. I come from a family of 10, my parents have been married for over 30 years, she comes from a broken family in which

her

mother has been re-married twice now. Family has always been a huge part

of

my life, and I want it to be a big part of my daughter's. My daughter was born a year ago in March, and now my worries are for

her,

the education out there is rated the poorest 2 years running. The crime

is

so much more abundant, and our finacial well-being is at stake by moving

out

there. In the 2 years of living out there, my family never visited once. They called pretty often and we flew out to see them twice a year, but now it seems like the reason we're moving back there is because her mom calls all the time telling her how much she misses my daughter. This is her

first

grandchild, and I understand all the hype along with it, but I have a feeling moving out west again will not make my wife any happier than she

is

now. I need help figuring all this out, should I bite the bullet like she did and just go back, or should I standmy ground and stay here for the

sake

of my daughter knowing her family.

Maybe you could clarify a bit: How did the subject of moving come up? Is your wife unhappy where you are now? Are you financially stable where you are now? How does your family and your wife get along? On thing I noticed throughout your post is that you seem to feel that your family is more important than your wife's, which is wrong. You say "for the sake of my daughter knowing her family", but your wife's family is your daughters family every bit as much as yours is. Moving is hard, and if you move again, it should be to a place you've chosen because you feel you would be happy and successful there. And when I say you, I mean you and your wife. Deciding together. List the pros and cons.

Yes.

Maybe the solution lies in moving somewhere in between.

Probably not. If you are a long traveling distance from both
families, then it is hard to get much help. One big thing I'd look at
is which family is actually more likely to be helpful with the
day-to-day issues around having children. My wife and I didn't live
near either of our families when our children were born, and then we
moved even further away.

But if we were to have chosen where to live based on whose family to
be near, it would have been mine since my parents are both more
excited about their grandchildren, and more inclined to help out.

Don't make up reasons, but rather look at the facts. For example, you say that crime is much more abundant in New Mexico, but St Louis has a personal crime rate that is 5 times the national average. You don't say where you lived in New Mexico, but Albequerque is 2 times. Gallup is on par with the national average. Santa Fe is half the national average. As for schools, there are good and bad schools in every community. The trick is doing your research before your daughter is old enough to attend. My point is, you seem to be looking for reasons to stay where you are because *you* are happier near your family, not necessarily because the reasons are the real issues. This isn't "bad" in and of itself, but you need to take into consideration the happiness of your family as well and work with your wife to come up with a solution that suits you both.

The rest of this makes sense.

**Favre for President '04** · 05-03-2004, 09:53 AM

Marriage on the rocks about moving

Because we were both in the military, so I was rarely in my hometown. I am
no longer in the military, but she is. My daughter will have no one her age
to play with out there, where here she has 6 cousins she'll probably never
get to see more than once a year.
I love my wife's family, I do. But it's a little unfair for her to want
to move back to a lesser quality of life to satisfy her own needs and wants.
We moved here because it was neutral.

---
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**Favre for President '04** · 05-03-2004, 09:53 AM

Marriage on the rocks about moving

Because we were both in the military, so I was rarely in my hometown. I am
no longer in the military, but she is. My daughter will have no one her age
to play with out there, where here she has 6 cousins she'll probably never
get to see more than once a year.
I love my wife's family, I do. But it's a little unfair for her to want
to move back to a lesser quality of life to satisfy her own needs and wants.
We moved here because it was neutral.

---
Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
Version: 6.0.672 / Virus Database: 434 - Release Date: 4/28/2004

**Doug Anderson** · 05-03-2004, 10:03 AM

Marriage on the rocks about moving

"Favre for President '04" <[email protected]> writes:

Because we were both in the military, so I was rarely in my hometown. I am no longer in the military, but she is. My daughter will have no one her age to play with out there, where here she has 6 cousins she'll probably never get to see more than once a year.

There are no children your daughter's age "out there?" I knew the
west was primitive, but I didn't realize we'd stoppped reproducing
too.

I love my wife's family, I do. But it's a little unfair for her to want to move back to a lesser quality of life to satisfy her own needs and wants.

But maybe she things it is a higher quality of life! Perhaps being
near her family is important to her quality of life.

We moved here because it was neutral.

Two things:

1) nothing is ever really neutral, and if it was that is a bad reason
to decide to live somewhere.

2) your certainty that _you_ are correct will prevent you and your
wife from ever resolving this in a good way.

**Doug Anderson** · 05-03-2004, 10:03 AM

Marriage on the rocks about moving

"Favre for President '04" <[email protected]> writes:

Because we were both in the military, so I was rarely in my hometown. I am no longer in the military, but she is. My daughter will have no one her age to play with out there, where here she has 6 cousins she'll probably never get to see more than once a year.

There are no children your daughter's age "out there?" I knew the
west was primitive, but I didn't realize we'd stoppped reproducing
too.

I love my wife's family, I do. But it's a little unfair for her to want to move back to a lesser quality of life to satisfy her own needs and wants.

But maybe she things it is a higher quality of life! Perhaps being
near her family is important to her quality of life.

We moved here because it was neutral.

Two things:

1) nothing is ever really neutral, and if it was that is a bad reason
to decide to live somewhere.

2) your certainty that _you_ are correct will prevent you and your
wife from ever resolving this in a good way.

**Favre for President '04** · 05-03-2004, 10:06 AM

Marriage on the rocks about moving

I'll admit, I am happier here, but it has nothing to do with my family
being closer, it has to do with our location and the quality of life here.
Albuquerque is where we lived for 2 years before moving out here. She grew
up there. My folks live near Chicago. We don't live IN St. Louis, there is
virtually no crime here because we live ON Scott AFB in Illinois. We've
been here for almost 2 years, and we have great friends and a nice house
here on base. The reason behind the possible move is because of a job
opening there, same pay, just lesser quality of life, poor school district,
rougher kids(gangs are more abundant there). Don't get me wrong, I loved
ABQ when we lived there, such a laid back atmosphere, but not really a good
place to raise kids.
The reason she has been on such a kick to get out of here is because of a
sick Grandma and her mother constantly seeding the idea in her head that she
is not happy here.
If we were to move out there, my wife's family consists of a college age
brother, and her mom, who live separately, but still, compare that to all my
family who may not have as much money as her mom does to throw around, but
still makes it known how much they love her. My wife has been raised in a
household where money buys happiness, money buys love. That never has been
or ever will be the case with my family, and maybe I do show a little
resentment towards her family in that sense, but that's because of my morale
upbringing.

---
Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
Version: 6.0.672 / Virus Database: 434 - Release Date: 4/28/2004

**Favre for President '04** · 05-03-2004, 10:06 AM

Marriage on the rocks about moving

I'll admit, I am happier here, but it has nothing to do with my family
being closer, it has to do with our location and the quality of life here.
Albuquerque is where we lived for 2 years before moving out here. She grew
up there. My folks live near Chicago. We don't live IN St. Louis, there is
virtually no crime here because we live ON Scott AFB in Illinois. We've
been here for almost 2 years, and we have great friends and a nice house
here on base. The reason behind the possible move is because of a job
opening there, same pay, just lesser quality of life, poor school district,
rougher kids(gangs are more abundant there). Don't get me wrong, I loved
ABQ when we lived there, such a laid back atmosphere, but not really a good
place to raise kids.
The reason she has been on such a kick to get out of here is because of a
sick Grandma and her mother constantly seeding the idea in her head that she
is not happy here.
If we were to move out there, my wife's family consists of a college age
brother, and her mom, who live separately, but still, compare that to all my
family who may not have as much money as her mom does to throw around, but
still makes it known how much they love her. My wife has been raised in a
household where money buys happiness, money buys love. That never has been
or ever will be the case with my family, and maybe I do show a little
resentment towards her family in that sense, but that's because of my morale
upbringing.

---
Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
Version: 6.0.672 / Virus Database: 434 - Release Date: 4/28/2004

**Doug Anderson** · 05-03-2004, 10:16 AM

Marriage on the rocks about moving

"Favre for President '04" <[email protected]> writes:

I'll admit, I am happier here, but it has nothing to do with my family being closer, it has to do with our location and the quality of life here. Albuquerque is where we lived for 2 years before moving out here. She grew up there. My folks live near Chicago. We don't live IN St. Louis, there is virtually no crime here because we live ON Scott AFB in Illinois. We've been here for almost 2 years, and we have great friends and a nice house here on base. The reason behind the possible move is because of a job opening there, same pay, just lesser quality of life, poor school district, rougher kids(gangs are more abundant there). Don't get me wrong, I loved ABQ when we lived there, such a laid back atmosphere, but not really a good place to raise kids. The reason she has been on such a kick to get out of here is because of a sick Grandma and her mother constantly seeding the idea in her head that she is not happy here. If we were to move out there, my wife's family consists of a college age brother, and her mom, who live separately, but still, compare that to all my family who may not have as much money as her mom does to throw around, but still makes it known how much they love her. My wife has been raised in a household where money buys happiness, money buys love. That never has been or ever will be the case with my family, and maybe I do show a little resentment towards her family in that sense, but that's because of my morale upbringing.

My prediction? Your "morale" upbringing will lead to a divorce within
5 years.

None of us can know whether the move is right for your family or not.
What I do see is that you completely discount your wife's reasons for
wanting to move. You blame them on "her mother constantly seeding the
idea in her head that she is not happy."

If this is true (that your wife is too immature to know what she wants
and whether she is happy) then you're in trouble. If it is false,
then you are being incredibly disrespectful by thinking of your wife
as a child who can't possibly know what would _really_ make her happy.

You are also disrespectful toward her family. You imply that their
values are about money only, and your family is more moral. Maybe
this is warranted, but I bet you'd be upset if your wife thought of
your family with similar disrespect.

Guess what? You aren't going to find a happy resolution to this by
being "right." Your only chance is to take each other seriously and
try to weigh the pros and cons. You aren't taking your wife seriously
(I don't know if she is taking you seriously).

**Doug Anderson** · 05-03-2004, 10:16 AM

Marriage on the rocks about moving

"Favre for President '04" <[email protected]> writes:

I'll admit, I am happier here, but it has nothing to do with my family being closer, it has to do with our location and the quality of life here. Albuquerque is where we lived for 2 years before moving out here. She grew up there. My folks live near Chicago. We don't live IN St. Louis, there is virtually no crime here because we live ON Scott AFB in Illinois. We've been here for almost 2 years, and we have great friends and a nice house here on base. The reason behind the possible move is because of a job opening there, same pay, just lesser quality of life, poor school district, rougher kids(gangs are more abundant there). Don't get me wrong, I loved ABQ when we lived there, such a laid back atmosphere, but not really a good place to raise kids. The reason she has been on such a kick to get out of here is because of a sick Grandma and her mother constantly seeding the idea in her head that she is not happy here. If we were to move out there, my wife's family consists of a college age brother, and her mom, who live separately, but still, compare that to all my family who may not have as much money as her mom does to throw around, but still makes it known how much they love her. My wife has been raised in a household where money buys happiness, money buys love. That never has been or ever will be the case with my family, and maybe I do show a little resentment towards her family in that sense, but that's because of my morale upbringing.

My prediction? Your "morale" upbringing will lead to a divorce within
5 years.

None of us can know whether the move is right for your family or not.
What I do see is that you completely discount your wife's reasons for
wanting to move. You blame them on "her mother constantly seeding the
idea in her head that she is not happy."

If this is true (that your wife is too immature to know what she wants
and whether she is happy) then you're in trouble. If it is false,
then you are being incredibly disrespectful by thinking of your wife
as a child who can't possibly know what would _really_ make her happy.

You are also disrespectful toward her family. You imply that their
values are about money only, and your family is more moral. Maybe
this is warranted, but I bet you'd be upset if your wife thought of
your family with similar disrespect.

Guess what? You aren't going to find a happy resolution to this by
being "right." Your only chance is to take each other seriously and
try to weigh the pros and cons. You aren't taking your wife seriously
(I don't know if she is taking you seriously).

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