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  • Marriage on the rocks about moving

    We origionally moved here near St. Louis from New Mexico almost 2 years ago
    to be closer to my family. They live about 4 hours away now, compared to 3
    days of driving. She left behind her mom and the rest of her family so that
    we could be closer to mine. I come from a family of 10, my parents have
    been married for over 30 years, she comes from a broken family in which her
    mother has been re-married twice now. Family has always been a huge part of
    my life, and I want it to be a big part of my daughter's.
    My daughter was born a year ago in March, and now my worries are for her,
    the education out there is rated the poorest 2 years running. The crime is
    so much more abundant, and our finacial well-being is at stake by moving out
    there. In the 2 years of living out there, my family never visited once.
    They called pretty often and we flew out to see them twice a year, but now
    it seems like the reason we're moving back there is because her mom calls
    all the time telling her how much she misses my daughter. This is her first
    grandchild, and I understand all the hype along with it, but I have a
    feeling moving out west again will not make my wife any happier than she is
    now. I need help figuring all this out, should I bite the bullet like she
    did and just go back, or should I standmy ground and stay here for the sake
    of my daughter knowing her family.


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  • #2
    Marriage on the rocks about moving

    "Favre for President '04" <[email protected]> wrote in message
    news:[email protected]
    We origionally moved here near St. Louis from New Mexico almost 2 years
    ago
    to be closer to my family. They live about 4 hours away now, compared to
    3
    days of driving. She left behind her mom and the rest of her family so
    that
    we could be closer to mine. I come from a family of 10, my parents have been married for over 30 years, she comes from a broken family in which
    her
    mother has been re-married twice now. Family has always been a huge part
    of
    my life, and I want it to be a big part of my daughter's. My daughter was born a year ago in March, and now my worries are for
    her,
    the education out there is rated the poorest 2 years running. The crime
    is
    so much more abundant, and our finacial well-being is at stake by moving
    out
    there. In the 2 years of living out there, my family never visited once. They called pretty often and we flew out to see them twice a year, but now it seems like the reason we're moving back there is because her mom calls all the time telling her how much she misses my daughter. This is her
    first
    grandchild, and I understand all the hype along with it, but I have a feeling moving out west again will not make my wife any happier than she
    is
    now. I need help figuring all this out, should I bite the bullet like she did and just go back, or should I standmy ground and stay here for the
    sake
    of my daughter knowing her family.
    your wife's family also must be included when you say "my daughter knowing
    her family". You seem to think that your family is "better" than hers (why
    else mention the multiple marriages).

    You married your wife's family as well as your wife. You really should have
    thought of that before having kids with her. If family is so important to
    you, why didn't you marry someone in your hometown?



    Comment


    • #3
      Marriage on the rocks about moving

      "Favre for President '04" <[email protected]> wrote in message
      news:[email protected]
      We origionally moved here near St. Louis from New Mexico almost 2 years
      ago
      to be closer to my family. They live about 4 hours away now, compared to
      3
      days of driving. She left behind her mom and the rest of her family so
      that
      we could be closer to mine. I come from a family of 10, my parents have been married for over 30 years, she comes from a broken family in which
      her
      mother has been re-married twice now. Family has always been a huge part
      of
      my life, and I want it to be a big part of my daughter's. My daughter was born a year ago in March, and now my worries are for
      her,
      the education out there is rated the poorest 2 years running. The crime
      is
      so much more abundant, and our finacial well-being is at stake by moving
      out
      there. In the 2 years of living out there, my family never visited once. They called pretty often and we flew out to see them twice a year, but now it seems like the reason we're moving back there is because her mom calls all the time telling her how much she misses my daughter. This is her
      first
      grandchild, and I understand all the hype along with it, but I have a feeling moving out west again will not make my wife any happier than she
      is
      now. I need help figuring all this out, should I bite the bullet like she did and just go back, or should I standmy ground and stay here for the
      sake
      of my daughter knowing her family.
      your wife's family also must be included when you say "my daughter knowing
      her family". You seem to think that your family is "better" than hers (why
      else mention the multiple marriages).

      You married your wife's family as well as your wife. You really should have
      thought of that before having kids with her. If family is so important to
      you, why didn't you marry someone in your hometown?



      Comment


      • #4
        Marriage on the rocks about moving


        "Favre for President '04" <[email protected]> wrote in message
        news:[email protected]
        We origionally moved here near St. Louis from New Mexico almost 2 years
        ago
        to be closer to my family. They live about 4 hours away now, compared to
        3
        days of driving. She left behind her mom and the rest of her family so
        that
        we could be closer to mine. I come from a family of 10, my parents have been married for over 30 years, she comes from a broken family in which
        her
        mother has been re-married twice now. Family has always been a huge part
        of
        my life, and I want it to be a big part of my daughter's. My daughter was born a year ago in March, and now my worries are for
        her,
        the education out there is rated the poorest 2 years running. The crime
        is
        so much more abundant, and our finacial well-being is at stake by moving
        out
        there. In the 2 years of living out there, my family never visited once. They called pretty often and we flew out to see them twice a year, but now it seems like the reason we're moving back there is because her mom calls all the time telling her how much she misses my daughter. This is her
        first
        grandchild, and I understand all the hype along with it, but I have a feeling moving out west again will not make my wife any happier than she
        is
        now. I need help figuring all this out, should I bite the bullet like she did and just go back, or should I standmy ground and stay here for the
        sake
        of my daughter knowing her family.

        Maybe you could clarify a bit: How did the subject of moving come up? Is
        your wife unhappy where you are now? Are you financially stable where you
        are now? How does your family and your wife get along?
        On thing I noticed throughout your post is that you seem to feel that your
        family is more important than your wife's, which is wrong. You say "for the
        sake of my daughter knowing her family", but your wife's family is your
        daughters family every bit as much as yours is.
        Moving is hard, and if you move again, it should be to a place you've chosen
        because you feel you would be happy and successful there. And when I say
        you, I mean you and your wife. Deciding together. List the pros and cons.
        Maybe the solution lies in moving somewhere in between. Don't make up
        reasons, but rather look at the facts. For example, you say that crime is
        much more abundant in New Mexico, but St Louis has a personal crime rate
        that is 5 times the national average. You don't say where you lived in New
        Mexico, but Albequerque is 2 times. Gallup is on par with the national
        average. Santa Fe is half the national average. As for schools, there are
        good and bad schools in every community. The trick is doing your research
        before your daughter is old enough to attend.
        My point is, you seem to be looking for reasons to stay where you are
        because *you* are happier near your family, not necessarily because the
        reasons are the real issues. This isn't "bad" in and of itself, but you need
        to take into consideration the happiness of your family as well and work
        with your wife to come up with a solution that suits you both.

        kimberly


        Comment


        • #5
          Marriage on the rocks about moving


          "Favre for President '04" <[email protected]> wrote in message
          news:[email protected]
          We origionally moved here near St. Louis from New Mexico almost 2 years
          ago
          to be closer to my family. They live about 4 hours away now, compared to
          3
          days of driving. She left behind her mom and the rest of her family so
          that
          we could be closer to mine. I come from a family of 10, my parents have been married for over 30 years, she comes from a broken family in which
          her
          mother has been re-married twice now. Family has always been a huge part
          of
          my life, and I want it to be a big part of my daughter's. My daughter was born a year ago in March, and now my worries are for
          her,
          the education out there is rated the poorest 2 years running. The crime
          is
          so much more abundant, and our finacial well-being is at stake by moving
          out
          there. In the 2 years of living out there, my family never visited once. They called pretty often and we flew out to see them twice a year, but now it seems like the reason we're moving back there is because her mom calls all the time telling her how much she misses my daughter. This is her
          first
          grandchild, and I understand all the hype along with it, but I have a feeling moving out west again will not make my wife any happier than she
          is
          now. I need help figuring all this out, should I bite the bullet like she did and just go back, or should I standmy ground and stay here for the
          sake
          of my daughter knowing her family.

          Maybe you could clarify a bit: How did the subject of moving come up? Is
          your wife unhappy where you are now? Are you financially stable where you
          are now? How does your family and your wife get along?
          On thing I noticed throughout your post is that you seem to feel that your
          family is more important than your wife's, which is wrong. You say "for the
          sake of my daughter knowing her family", but your wife's family is your
          daughters family every bit as much as yours is.
          Moving is hard, and if you move again, it should be to a place you've chosen
          because you feel you would be happy and successful there. And when I say
          you, I mean you and your wife. Deciding together. List the pros and cons.
          Maybe the solution lies in moving somewhere in between. Don't make up
          reasons, but rather look at the facts. For example, you say that crime is
          much more abundant in New Mexico, but St Louis has a personal crime rate
          that is 5 times the national average. You don't say where you lived in New
          Mexico, but Albequerque is 2 times. Gallup is on par with the national
          average. Santa Fe is half the national average. As for schools, there are
          good and bad schools in every community. The trick is doing your research
          before your daughter is old enough to attend.
          My point is, you seem to be looking for reasons to stay where you are
          because *you* are happier near your family, not necessarily because the
          reasons are the real issues. This isn't "bad" in and of itself, but you need
          to take into consideration the happiness of your family as well and work
          with your wife to come up with a solution that suits you both.

          kimberly


          Comment


          • #6
            Marriage on the rocks about moving

            "Nexis" <[email protected]> writes:
            "Favre for President '04" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]
            We origionally moved here near St. Louis from New Mexico almost 2 years
            ago
            to be closer to my family. They live about 4 hours away now, compared to
            3
            days of driving. She left behind her mom and the rest of her family so
            that
            we could be closer to mine. I come from a family of 10, my parents have been married for over 30 years, she comes from a broken family in which
            her
            mother has been re-married twice now. Family has always been a huge part
            of
            my life, and I want it to be a big part of my daughter's. My daughter was born a year ago in March, and now my worries are for
            her,
            the education out there is rated the poorest 2 years running. The crime
            is
            so much more abundant, and our finacial well-being is at stake by moving
            out
            there. In the 2 years of living out there, my family never visited once. They called pretty often and we flew out to see them twice a year, but now it seems like the reason we're moving back there is because her mom calls all the time telling her how much she misses my daughter. This is her
            first
            grandchild, and I understand all the hype along with it, but I have a feeling moving out west again will not make my wife any happier than she
            is
            now. I need help figuring all this out, should I bite the bullet like she did and just go back, or should I standmy ground and stay here for the
            sake
            of my daughter knowing her family.
            Maybe you could clarify a bit: How did the subject of moving come up? Is your wife unhappy where you are now? Are you financially stable where you are now? How does your family and your wife get along? On thing I noticed throughout your post is that you seem to feel that your family is more important than your wife's, which is wrong. You say "for the sake of my daughter knowing her family", but your wife's family is your daughters family every bit as much as yours is. Moving is hard, and if you move again, it should be to a place you've chosen because you feel you would be happy and successful there. And when I say you, I mean you and your wife. Deciding together. List the pros and cons.
            Yes.
            Maybe the solution lies in moving somewhere in between.
            Probably not. If you are a long traveling distance from both
            families, then it is hard to get much help. One big thing I'd look at
            is which family is actually more likely to be helpful with the
            day-to-day issues around having children. My wife and I didn't live
            near either of our families when our children were born, and then we
            moved even further away.

            But if we were to have chosen where to live based on whose family to
            be near, it would have been mine since my parents are both more
            excited about their grandchildren, and more inclined to help out.

            Don't make up reasons, but rather look at the facts. For example, you say that crime is much more abundant in New Mexico, but St Louis has a personal crime rate that is 5 times the national average. You don't say where you lived in New Mexico, but Albequerque is 2 times. Gallup is on par with the national average. Santa Fe is half the national average. As for schools, there are good and bad schools in every community. The trick is doing your research before your daughter is old enough to attend. My point is, you seem to be looking for reasons to stay where you are because *you* are happier near your family, not necessarily because the reasons are the real issues. This isn't "bad" in and of itself, but you need to take into consideration the happiness of your family as well and work with your wife to come up with a solution that suits you both.
            The rest of this makes sense.

            Comment


            • #7
              Marriage on the rocks about moving

              "Nexis" <[email protected]> writes:
              "Favre for President '04" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]
              We origionally moved here near St. Louis from New Mexico almost 2 years
              ago
              to be closer to my family. They live about 4 hours away now, compared to
              3
              days of driving. She left behind her mom and the rest of her family so
              that
              we could be closer to mine. I come from a family of 10, my parents have been married for over 30 years, she comes from a broken family in which
              her
              mother has been re-married twice now. Family has always been a huge part
              of
              my life, and I want it to be a big part of my daughter's. My daughter was born a year ago in March, and now my worries are for
              her,
              the education out there is rated the poorest 2 years running. The crime
              is
              so much more abundant, and our finacial well-being is at stake by moving
              out
              there. In the 2 years of living out there, my family never visited once. They called pretty often and we flew out to see them twice a year, but now it seems like the reason we're moving back there is because her mom calls all the time telling her how much she misses my daughter. This is her
              first
              grandchild, and I understand all the hype along with it, but I have a feeling moving out west again will not make my wife any happier than she
              is
              now. I need help figuring all this out, should I bite the bullet like she did and just go back, or should I standmy ground and stay here for the
              sake
              of my daughter knowing her family.
              Maybe you could clarify a bit: How did the subject of moving come up? Is your wife unhappy where you are now? Are you financially stable where you are now? How does your family and your wife get along? On thing I noticed throughout your post is that you seem to feel that your family is more important than your wife's, which is wrong. You say "for the sake of my daughter knowing her family", but your wife's family is your daughters family every bit as much as yours is. Moving is hard, and if you move again, it should be to a place you've chosen because you feel you would be happy and successful there. And when I say you, I mean you and your wife. Deciding together. List the pros and cons.
              Yes.
              Maybe the solution lies in moving somewhere in between.
              Probably not. If you are a long traveling distance from both
              families, then it is hard to get much help. One big thing I'd look at
              is which family is actually more likely to be helpful with the
              day-to-day issues around having children. My wife and I didn't live
              near either of our families when our children were born, and then we
              moved even further away.

              But if we were to have chosen where to live based on whose family to
              be near, it would have been mine since my parents are both more
              excited about their grandchildren, and more inclined to help out.

              Don't make up reasons, but rather look at the facts. For example, you say that crime is much more abundant in New Mexico, but St Louis has a personal crime rate that is 5 times the national average. You don't say where you lived in New Mexico, but Albequerque is 2 times. Gallup is on par with the national average. Santa Fe is half the national average. As for schools, there are good and bad schools in every community. The trick is doing your research before your daughter is old enough to attend. My point is, you seem to be looking for reasons to stay where you are because *you* are happier near your family, not necessarily because the reasons are the real issues. This isn't "bad" in and of itself, but you need to take into consideration the happiness of your family as well and work with your wife to come up with a solution that suits you both.
              The rest of this makes sense.

              Comment


              • #8
                Marriage on the rocks about moving

                Because we were both in the military, so I was rarely in my hometown. I am
                no longer in the military, but she is. My daughter will have no one her age
                to play with out there, where here she has 6 cousins she'll probably never
                get to see more than once a year.
                I love my wife's family, I do. But it's a little unfair for her to want
                to move back to a lesser quality of life to satisfy her own needs and wants.
                We moved here because it was neutral.


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                Comment


                • #9
                  Marriage on the rocks about moving

                  Because we were both in the military, so I was rarely in my hometown. I am
                  no longer in the military, but she is. My daughter will have no one her age
                  to play with out there, where here she has 6 cousins she'll probably never
                  get to see more than once a year.
                  I love my wife's family, I do. But it's a little unfair for her to want
                  to move back to a lesser quality of life to satisfy her own needs and wants.
                  We moved here because it was neutral.


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                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Marriage on the rocks about moving

                    "Favre for President '04" <[email protected]> writes:
                    Because we were both in the military, so I was rarely in my hometown. I am no longer in the military, but she is. My daughter will have no one her age to play with out there, where here she has 6 cousins she'll probably never get to see more than once a year.
                    There are no children your daughter's age "out there?" I knew the
                    west was primitive, but I didn't realize we'd stoppped reproducing
                    too.
                    I love my wife's family, I do. But it's a little unfair for her to want to move back to a lesser quality of life to satisfy her own needs and wants.
                    But maybe she things it is a higher quality of life! Perhaps being
                    near her family is important to her quality of life.
                    We moved here because it was neutral.
                    Two things:

                    1) nothing is ever really neutral, and if it was that is a bad reason
                    to decide to live somewhere.

                    2) your certainty that _you_ are correct will prevent you and your
                    wife from ever resolving this in a good way.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Marriage on the rocks about moving

                      "Favre for President '04" <[email protected]> writes:
                      Because we were both in the military, so I was rarely in my hometown. I am no longer in the military, but she is. My daughter will have no one her age to play with out there, where here she has 6 cousins she'll probably never get to see more than once a year.
                      There are no children your daughter's age "out there?" I knew the
                      west was primitive, but I didn't realize we'd stoppped reproducing
                      too.
                      I love my wife's family, I do. But it's a little unfair for her to want to move back to a lesser quality of life to satisfy her own needs and wants.
                      But maybe she things it is a higher quality of life! Perhaps being
                      near her family is important to her quality of life.
                      We moved here because it was neutral.
                      Two things:

                      1) nothing is ever really neutral, and if it was that is a bad reason
                      to decide to live somewhere.

                      2) your certainty that _you_ are correct will prevent you and your
                      wife from ever resolving this in a good way.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Marriage on the rocks about moving

                        I'll admit, I am happier here, but it has nothing to do with my family
                        being closer, it has to do with our location and the quality of life here.
                        Albuquerque is where we lived for 2 years before moving out here. She grew
                        up there. My folks live near Chicago. We don't live IN St. Louis, there is
                        virtually no crime here because we live ON Scott AFB in Illinois. We've
                        been here for almost 2 years, and we have great friends and a nice house
                        here on base. The reason behind the possible move is because of a job
                        opening there, same pay, just lesser quality of life, poor school district,
                        rougher kids(gangs are more abundant there). Don't get me wrong, I loved
                        ABQ when we lived there, such a laid back atmosphere, but not really a good
                        place to raise kids.
                        The reason she has been on such a kick to get out of here is because of a
                        sick Grandma and her mother constantly seeding the idea in her head that she
                        is not happy here.
                        If we were to move out there, my wife's family consists of a college age
                        brother, and her mom, who live separately, but still, compare that to all my
                        family who may not have as much money as her mom does to throw around, but
                        still makes it known how much they love her. My wife has been raised in a
                        household where money buys happiness, money buys love. That never has been
                        or ever will be the case with my family, and maybe I do show a little
                        resentment towards her family in that sense, but that's because of my morale
                        upbringing.


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                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Marriage on the rocks about moving

                          I'll admit, I am happier here, but it has nothing to do with my family
                          being closer, it has to do with our location and the quality of life here.
                          Albuquerque is where we lived for 2 years before moving out here. She grew
                          up there. My folks live near Chicago. We don't live IN St. Louis, there is
                          virtually no crime here because we live ON Scott AFB in Illinois. We've
                          been here for almost 2 years, and we have great friends and a nice house
                          here on base. The reason behind the possible move is because of a job
                          opening there, same pay, just lesser quality of life, poor school district,
                          rougher kids(gangs are more abundant there). Don't get me wrong, I loved
                          ABQ when we lived there, such a laid back atmosphere, but not really a good
                          place to raise kids.
                          The reason she has been on such a kick to get out of here is because of a
                          sick Grandma and her mother constantly seeding the idea in her head that she
                          is not happy here.
                          If we were to move out there, my wife's family consists of a college age
                          brother, and her mom, who live separately, but still, compare that to all my
                          family who may not have as much money as her mom does to throw around, but
                          still makes it known how much they love her. My wife has been raised in a
                          household where money buys happiness, money buys love. That never has been
                          or ever will be the case with my family, and maybe I do show a little
                          resentment towards her family in that sense, but that's because of my morale
                          upbringing.


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                          Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
                          Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
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                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Marriage on the rocks about moving

                            "Favre for President '04" <[email protected]> writes:
                            I'll admit, I am happier here, but it has nothing to do with my family being closer, it has to do with our location and the quality of life here. Albuquerque is where we lived for 2 years before moving out here. She grew up there. My folks live near Chicago. We don't live IN St. Louis, there is virtually no crime here because we live ON Scott AFB in Illinois. We've been here for almost 2 years, and we have great friends and a nice house here on base. The reason behind the possible move is because of a job opening there, same pay, just lesser quality of life, poor school district, rougher kids(gangs are more abundant there). Don't get me wrong, I loved ABQ when we lived there, such a laid back atmosphere, but not really a good place to raise kids. The reason she has been on such a kick to get out of here is because of a sick Grandma and her mother constantly seeding the idea in her head that she is not happy here. If we were to move out there, my wife's family consists of a college age brother, and her mom, who live separately, but still, compare that to all my family who may not have as much money as her mom does to throw around, but still makes it known how much they love her. My wife has been raised in a household where money buys happiness, money buys love. That never has been or ever will be the case with my family, and maybe I do show a little resentment towards her family in that sense, but that's because of my morale upbringing.
                            My prediction? Your "morale" upbringing will lead to a divorce within
                            5 years.

                            None of us can know whether the move is right for your family or not.
                            What I do see is that you completely discount your wife's reasons for
                            wanting to move. You blame them on "her mother constantly seeding the
                            idea in her head that she is not happy."

                            If this is true (that your wife is too immature to know what she wants
                            and whether she is happy) then you're in trouble. If it is false,
                            then you are being incredibly disrespectful by thinking of your wife
                            as a child who can't possibly know what would _really_ make her happy.

                            You are also disrespectful toward her family. You imply that their
                            values are about money only, and your family is more moral. Maybe
                            this is warranted, but I bet you'd be upset if your wife thought of
                            your family with similar disrespect.


                            Guess what? You aren't going to find a happy resolution to this by
                            being "right." Your only chance is to take each other seriously and
                            try to weigh the pros and cons. You aren't taking your wife seriously
                            (I don't know if she is taking you seriously).

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Marriage on the rocks about moving

                              "Favre for President '04" <[email protected]> writes:
                              I'll admit, I am happier here, but it has nothing to do with my family being closer, it has to do with our location and the quality of life here. Albuquerque is where we lived for 2 years before moving out here. She grew up there. My folks live near Chicago. We don't live IN St. Louis, there is virtually no crime here because we live ON Scott AFB in Illinois. We've been here for almost 2 years, and we have great friends and a nice house here on base. The reason behind the possible move is because of a job opening there, same pay, just lesser quality of life, poor school district, rougher kids(gangs are more abundant there). Don't get me wrong, I loved ABQ when we lived there, such a laid back atmosphere, but not really a good place to raise kids. The reason she has been on such a kick to get out of here is because of a sick Grandma and her mother constantly seeding the idea in her head that she is not happy here. If we were to move out there, my wife's family consists of a college age brother, and her mom, who live separately, but still, compare that to all my family who may not have as much money as her mom does to throw around, but still makes it known how much they love her. My wife has been raised in a household where money buys happiness, money buys love. That never has been or ever will be the case with my family, and maybe I do show a little resentment towards her family in that sense, but that's because of my morale upbringing.
                              My prediction? Your "morale" upbringing will lead to a divorce within
                              5 years.

                              None of us can know whether the move is right for your family or not.
                              What I do see is that you completely discount your wife's reasons for
                              wanting to move. You blame them on "her mother constantly seeding the
                              idea in her head that she is not happy."

                              If this is true (that your wife is too immature to know what she wants
                              and whether she is happy) then you're in trouble. If it is false,
                              then you are being incredibly disrespectful by thinking of your wife
                              as a child who can't possibly know what would _really_ make her happy.

                              You are also disrespectful toward her family. You imply that their
                              values are about money only, and your family is more moral. Maybe
                              this is warranted, but I bet you'd be upset if your wife thought of
                              your family with similar disrespect.


                              Guess what? You aren't going to find a happy resolution to this by
                              being "right." Your only chance is to take each other seriously and
                              try to weigh the pros and cons. You aren't taking your wife seriously
                              (I don't know if she is taking you seriously).

                              Comment

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