Visitation already being violated Hawaii

[Nohea]

On May 12, 2010, my boyfriend (BF) took his ex to court for violation of his visitation rights. The judge awarded an order (parenting proposal plan) stipulating the every other weekend visits, parents must communicate regarding visitation and the normal holidays visitation. The judge made it clear to the ex not to put the children in the middle and the two parties must come to a mutual agreement. The ex tried to use that the its the kids decision if they want to go or not and he should respect that. The judge said that she must encourage the kids to go with their father. Long story short, the kids always wants to spend time with their father but, the ex always denies them. Basically, she hasn't been following the divorce decree for 8 years.

On Thursday, May 13, 2010, we went to watch his 16 yo daughter's softball game. His 12 yo son approached him and said that he wanted to be with his friends this weekend and he no need go if he doesn't want to go. How can his son go from, always asking his mom to go with Dad, from this statement. I don't understand. My assumption is that the ex is brain washing him. Anyways, BF called his ex from his daughter's cell and tried to make arrangement with for the weekend visitation. She told my BF to "No call me, don't call my phone!"

On Friday, May 14, 2010, BF left a message on ex house phone to make arrangements for the weekend visitation. We went to watch his daughter's state championship game and after the game, his son approached him again. Stating he has a game on Saturday and he wants to be with his friends. BF said, "no worry son, i'll take you to your game". The son said okay. Later that night, because of the message BF left at ex home, the son called BF. He was telling BF that next week he can come for visitation. BF said, son that's not my visitation day. Son said, "well mom said the following weekend then." BF stated, "I'm not suppose to put you in the middle. Me and Mom suppose to talk and come to a mutual agreement." He asked son to put his ex on the phone. She refused to talk to BF.

Saturday on May 15, 2010. it was his visitation day so my BF was kinda worried that ex would make allegations towards him (like she had done so during their divorce) so he called for HPD for assistance. When we got there, ex and his son was not home. Ex's husbands son was home and BF asked if he could call ex. Anyways, she returned home and was furious. The officer told her that BF is exercising his rights and he's there to enforce the order. Ex stated, "well i'm not gonna force my son to go with somebody that he doesn't want to go to." BF calmly said, "we suppose to communicate regarding visitation and the kids cannot be put in the middle". She replied, "like i told you in court, i no need communicate with you". The officer than said, "okay, since he is at practice right now, mom this would be your weekend and Dad, next week is your weekend'. Ex agreed saying, "yah, he can try next week". BF told ex, "we can do this the easy way or the hard way". She took off storming towards the house saying, "what ever".

At this point, BF knows this would be an on-going battle and he will continue to call HPD for assistance so there is no allegations on his part. My question is, how long does BF has to endure this? When can he file to go back to court cause he knows that she will continue to violate the order like she has done so with the divorce decree. And what will happen to ex if BF does take her back to court.

[GotSmart]

BF needs to grow up, and stop making statements to aggravate the mother of his child. He had the police on his side before he used his tough guy line.

Document every violation, and take her back to court.

All communication should be in writing.

Most of all, since you are not a parent, you should NEVER get in the middle.

Good luck, and peaceful resolutions.

[Nohea]

Visitation violation in Hawaii

Let me take you down to memory lane...Ex left BF and her 3 kids (10 years ago) for a guy, who she'd married...let me re phrase that, choose her now husband, over her kids because the guy did not want the kids...from what the kids told me, it was a very emotional time for them...BF had the kids for a year while she ran off with this guy...she then filed a TRO against BF stating all kinds of allegations to win custody of the children...she won...my BF is trying to be very careful of what he does around his EX and does not want any TRO on him...so it's not "grow up" its being cautious...As for me, I don't care about what the Ex does but I do care about my BF children...they are very respectful and we have an awesome relationship were they call me up for advice or anything, especially his daughters...the things i do is not for my BF, its for his children...also, on May 12, 2010 BF also had CSEA hearing...BF pays direct payment to his 18 yo daughter and goes thru CSEA for his 2 minor children...EX had an option to modify for his 3 children however refused and modified for 2 of his minor children only so she could have more money...his 18 yo daughter (who attends a full time accredited college) is left to fend for herself cause the mother left her out...how selfish is that...the children can have the best of both worlds if, mom allows it.

BF does document everything and he is just following the order...should he violate the order, guess what, EX will be taking him to court...i've been around for almost 9 years of this merry go round and seen what this has done to the children as well as BF...enough is enough...as a female, i know how women can be vindictive and manipulate their way to anything...especially, mother's who wants to protect their children from anything and anyone...they will make up and do anything...ANYTHING!...its only natural...I don't have any ill feelings towards the EX...it'll will be wrong to have them cause really, I don't know her...only what she has done.

So my question is, what would happen to EX if she continues to violate the order when BF takes her back to court? How long should he wait before he files for a hearing?

[Nohea]

Also, how can BF communicate in writing where there is no email address...it does state Communication and Information sharing to be between parents regarding visitation...the order does not stipulate to communicate in writing...however it does say that he is allowed call his children at reasonable hours or email his children at their email address...the reason for this, BF was tired of his children getting hurt and irritated because they were put in the middle through out the years...he does not know why EX is mad at him or has this ill feelings towards him...all he wants is to spend time with his children.

[Dogmatique]

Um...can I please just point out that June 2010 hasn't yet occurred?!

[Nohea]

My bad, this all happened in May .

[Alice Dodd]

The kids are growing up. Making demands on them regardless of what they have scheduled is not going to win points. When his son asked him twice to switch weekends, he should have gotten mom involved an made the switch. Yes, MOM is a PITA. So...

When the kids have a weekend coming up, arrange to pick them up at school. They can bring an overnight bag with them. That avoids the whole 'mom took them somewhere' game when he goes to pick up the kid. If the kid has a game, take them to the game that weekend. Meet his friends, meet his friends' parents. Invite them all to go for pizza after the game. Let the kid and his friends know that you are a family. It will probably score points with the kids as well.

A 12 year old is starting to want independence and will resent being told that the visitation order is more important than what he wants. Work with him, and after a while, he'll probably start siding with his dad anyway.

[Nohea]

Alice Dodd, its very good advice. Its all of a sudden became, "I like spend time with my friends". It was never that before. He would always want to go with Dad but Mom refuses the child of his request. Dad also tried telling son that his friends can come and he was stoked. But yet, son changes his story because I know he's being coached.

Dad wants to communicate with Mom for the sole purpose of visitation and it was an order by the judge but Mom refuses to. How does Dad make arrangements at this point? Its gonna go back to square one where Dad and Mom will be communicating though the children and putting them in the middle again. We know this process will be hard in the beginning and Dad is being very patient.

Thank you for your advice.

[Alice Dodd]

How far a way is Dad from Mom's house? Can he easily drop by and leave a note? Can he reach the kids on the phone? And most important question, does he have permission to pick his children up from school? This is very important, if a child is injured and needs to be taken to the hospital, Dad needs to be on the list.

So what he does is make arrangements with the kid. Try to keep it to the required weekend, and let the kid know that he'll be brought to his games, that he should invite his buddies to ask their parents to join you all for pizza and video games after (when they play video games it's a great time for Dad to get to know his friends' parents) etc. Once that's arranged, leave a note for Mom that you're picking up the kid AT SCHOOL.

Tell the kid to pack an overnight bag. If the kids there but with no clothes, you can take him home (if he has a key) and let him get clothes. If that doesn't work, maybe he needs clothes and stuff he can keep at your house. That way mom's intrusion is kept to a minimum, and unless she takes the kid out of school that day, you get the kid without having to deal with her. And if she DOES take the kid out of school, that's a good thing to bring up with the court.

The biggest thing is to work with the kid so that he doesn't have to be totally cut off from his friends for the weekend - he's starting to have a social life outside of school, and that will just cause resentment.

If Dad starts getting involved in his social life, getting to know his friends and their parents, and planning get togethers, he will be the HERO!!!! Get on the email list for his school, his sports etc. So you have his calendar. When he says "I have something planned", he says, that's great, how can we make this work! And let him know to start planning things on other dates or to include Dad in his plans. Don't plan the whole weekend around him, but let him control some of it. No Disneyland Dad stuff, do regular family stuff. Play board games at home, play ball in the back yard - BE with him, have fun with him, get to know him etc.

A trick - when you want him to share with you or with Dad (mostly Dad) do something that allows you both to talk, but not face to face. That puts the pressure on. It's easier for the kid to bring up a difficult sujbect if you're side by side. So go for a hike, a bike ride, work on a project together, like building something. Then just as questions, and LISTEN. Ask how school is going. Ask how sports are going. Ask how he's getting along with his siblings. Don't spy on Mom, and don't ask him to tell stories about her, but ask what he's done lately with her that was fun. Just get involved in his life. (This applies to all of the kids.).

Plan the coolest adventures in the world. Go camping, hike a volcano, go snorkeling (and learn about the fish you see). Join the Sierra Club. Go bird watching (very fun, even for beginners). Get binoculars and a local bird book. There are a million fun but cheap things to do that kids might groan over, but will enjoy once they get out there. Do science projects, read together. Get legos and kinex - they're expensive at the store but you can buy big lot of them on eBay very cheap. Create a car rally, with parents driving and kids navigating. Go Geocaching. Be the really cool place where the kid wants to bring all their friends and hang out. (A trampoline in the back yard goes a long way towards this). Watch Amazing Race with them, when it's on, it's awesome!

Start some traditions with the kids and you (the girlfriend) that aren't done with his other family. Make sure the kids get really neat birthday parties at their house.

I could go on and on. Oh yeah, take lots of pictures and put them on the walls. If they have their own room at your house, get together with them and design it. How do they want it painted? There are lots of stencils out there or you can make your own to do a really cool job. Make them WANT to be there. Invite them to bring a friend for the weekend, just let them know that it will be a family thing, not a way for them to not really spend time with Dad.

Kids can be really neat at 12. They're not quite ready to totally separate from parents yet, and they're opening up to new things to do. Give them a few things to pick from and put on their calendar to have something to look forward to.

Gosh, I wish I had kids, there are so many cool things to do. I pray that I marry someone who has kids that will give us lots of grandkids. I want to take them RV'ing for the whole summer and show them the country.