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I have no idea what to do. California

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  • I have no idea what to do. California

    Hello, everyone.

    I'll try and make this short: I'm 15 and living in a single-parent household. My father overdosed when I was 13 (May 2008), leaving me to live with my mother, who is unemployed. We do have enough money to get by for at least a year, but it's questionable after that.

    I believe I am being emotionally and verbally abused. In the past 2 days or so, I have been researching what will qualify as abuse, and my situation fits perfectly. In my home, things are occurring such as invalidation (my mother telling me nothing I feel is worth-while), constant chaos, verbal assault (I am getting told I am an embarrassment, a narcissist, etc. I also get told that I have no friends, I am "disturbed," I'm overly dramatic, and selfish), and emotional abandonment (when I try and talk to my mom about being upset, she doesn't respond at all).

    Since my father has died (less that 2 years), my mother has had 4 serious boyfriends, all of which she abandons me to be with. In fact, she brought home a total stranger this week, and I had to listen to them have sex for 4 hours that night. I'm totally fine with the idea of her dating; however, I am not fine with the fact that I am constantly uncomfortable in my own home.

    I also am left alone for weekends constantly. I cannot drive, so I am stuck in my home. It's really hard for me to watch my mother go "clubbing" and not come home until 1 am, although she said she'd be home at 8. Her solution is to pay one of her friends (who lacks responsibility) to come babysit me. It's quite infuriating, seeing as I am more mature than the majority of her friends.

    Last night, I wrote her a 5 page letter, pouring my heart out. I explained how abandoned, hurt, and alone I feel. Instead of trying to comfort me, she began to scream at me and call me names. She interpreted my letter as me telling her how bad of a mother she was, which was not my intention. I walked out of my house at 8 pm and spent the night at my ballet teacher's mother's house, down the street.

    The majority of my friends, who are mature and responsible adults, agree with me that my situation is less than ideal. My mother provides for me financially and physically, but my emotional support is lacking. It's affecting me physically as well. I can't sleep more than 4 hours a night, I'm breaking out from stress, I am always emotionally exhausted, and I am lacking an appetite.

    My mother genuinely doesn't understand how to parent me, at all. That makes sense, because she had overbearing parents, and I was a surprise baby. I know she's trying to find herself (the phrase midlife crisis comes to mind) and is lost because she lost her husband, but she doesn't understand how lost I am. I am not her first priority.

    The only family on my mother's side lives in Illinois and could not provide for me. My father's family refuses to speak with me and pretend I don't exist. Even if they spoke to me, they are all addicted to some sort of substance, whether it be alcohol, drugs, or food.

    I don't have a school counselor to speak to, either, because I am home schooled for this year. I will be attending a public high school next year, so that will change. I don't want to involve law enforcement either.

    My plan so far is to just get through this year. Once I finish driver's education and get my permit in May, my mother says she will start working. The only problem is that her possible job is in a town 30 minutes away, which means she will not be available to drive me to school, ballet, or work (I will start teaching ballet this summer). I am planning to apply for a hardship license, but I know the chances of me getting one are slim to none. I can't use "insanity" as a legitimate reason, either.

    I feel as if I am out of options. I don't think I want to become emancipated, either, because I know I cannot provide for myself. I have a friend who is willing to take me in if necessary, yet I know I would qualify as a runaway if that happened.

    All I know for sure is that I will go absolutely insane if I have to live here for the next 3 years. Can anyone help me?

  • #2
    Will your mother give you permission to live elsewhere?
    The above answer, whatever it is, assumes that no legally binding and enforceable contract or CBA says otherwise. If it does, then the terms of the contract or CBA apply.


    • #3
      She has in the past. I lived in Chicago for 6 months doing ballet training. I don't know if she'd let me live somewhere else because of her, seeing as she thinks she's the best parent around. If things escalate to the point where she starts throwing things again or kicks me out for a couple of hours, then she might for her sake.


      • #4
        If she gives you permission to live elsewhere, then you can. However, at your age and under the circumstances you have described, if you do not have her permission to leave, you are stuck. She has the right to be a bad parent.
        The above answer, whatever it is, assumes that no legally binding and enforceable contract or CBA says otherwise. If it does, then the terms of the contract or CBA apply.


        • #5
          So, she has the right to abuse me? I understand how hard it is to prove that emotional and verbal abuse is occurring, but what about physical abuse? Although it is rare, she has thrown things at me, pushed me, and punched me. None of this is documented, but I will be sure to document it the next time it occurs.

          Or, for this to happen would I have to involve CPS? I don't want to end up in a foster home or anything. If CPS did have to eventually be involved, could I then live with a friend?


          • #6
            If you are being physically abused, then yes, you call CPS. "Mental and emotional abuse" isn't going to cut it. While I'm not necessarily saying this is the case here, sometimes what teens consider "emotional abuse" is actually good parenting. All teens are looking for independence, but are not necessarily ready for the level of independence they want, and a parent's attempt at keeping them out of trouble is seen as "mental and emotional abuse". Therefore, such claims are met with more than just a grain of salt.

            If CPS finds it necessary to remove you from the home (and they will not, based on what you have posted, but if at some point they do) while they may be willing to allow you to live with another family member, it is quite unlikely that you would be allowed to live with a friend. Not unless the parents of that friend have been certified as foster parents by the state.

            Here is the bottom line - you will not be allowed to live with a friend unless your mother gives you permission.
            The above answer, whatever it is, assumes that no legally binding and enforceable contract or CBA says otherwise. If it does, then the terms of the contract or CBA apply.


            • #7
              Well, I can't involve CPS then, seeing as I have no relatives who are willing or able to take me in.

              Thank you for your replies. I'll just try and wait it out.


              • #8
                Ok so the abuse is only bad if you get to choose where you live?


                • #9

                  Your statement is incorrect. Yes, this abuse is bad, but it could be worse if I end up in a foster home. If I do contact CPS and they do decide it is necessary to remove me from my home, I would have no where to go. Which would leave me in a foster home.

                  In my mind, I'd rather wait out 3 years in a place where I generally know how my mother reacts than end up in a questionable foster home.


                  • #10
                    No my statement is 100% correct. If the abuse was so bad any place (even Foster care) would be better. By the way there are many very good Foster homes. Therefore it is my view you are just a teen wanting her own way and the abuse is either not there or blown out of proportion


                    • #11

                      It is unfortunate you feel that way. You do not know my situation, seeing as you do not live in my home, nor do you know me personally. Seeing as you are an adult, I find your response to be quite rude, especially because I am asking for help about child abuse.

                      I sincerely hope that, in the future, you will not find it necessary to put down adolescents who are already in distress.


                      • #12
                        You were given help your turned it down and decided to stay where you are. To me that shows it isnt that bad. Furthermore almost every week some teen comes here or other sites screaming about abuse yet they seem to want only to live with their BF/GF, friend etc. You want help? Then you contact children's services they will offer help. That help may not be removal from home. That is in the extreme. They will likely offer counseling for both you and Mom. Together with this counselor you and Mom can fix what is broken. There is your solution anything else doesnt exist! Now either the abuse exist and you make that call or it doesnt and you just pout. Your choice


                        • #13
                          Given that the "abuse" in this case is termed primarily as "emotional and mental" and given that this would NOT result in the OP being removed from the home in any case, this entire discussion is moot. Even if she did contact CPS, based on what she has posted she'd remain where she is. So a discussion of the poster's motives is irrelevant.

                          Shut it down now, please.
                          The above answer, whatever it is, assumes that no legally binding and enforceable contract or CBA says otherwise. If it does, then the terms of the contract or CBA apply.


                          • #14
                            Which takes us right back to counseling for her and Mom as I stated


                            • #15
                              I see no reason for this thread to be shut down. I am quite obviously in distress. While the abuse I feel I am subjected to is mainly emotionally and verbally, there have been occurrences of physical abuse. These occurrences are things such as punching, pushing, and throwing things. I must emphasize that these occurrences are rare.

                              I am well aware of the fact that my situation could be much has been, seeing as I lived with a bipolar, physically abusive cocaine addict for the majority of my life.

                              However, I know my situation could be much better as well. I feel I need to make it clear that if I do, in fact, move out of my mother's home and into a friend's, I am not expecting it to be a slumber party 24/7. I am more than willing to pay what little rent I can (from my personal savings and from my job) and fully provide for myself in regards to food, clothing, medical expenses, entertainment, and (eventually) gas money. I do have quite a lot of money saved up, in case of an emergency.

                              I also would love to improve the relationship with my mother. I am more than willing to enter family counseling. However, my mother is not as willing as I, seeing as she believes she is not in the wrong. If CPS became involved in my situation, it would most definitely end any positive feelings my mother has towards me, and I don't want that. While I am upset with her actions, I still care about her, and would sincerely like to have a great relationship with her.

                              Living with an addict taught me that I cannot change the mindset of others, no matter how hard I try, and to accept that. I can only change what I have control of.


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