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What do I do now? California

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  • What do I do now? California

    My son's father and I never married nor lived together. We have managed to get through the last 3.5 years with some major disagreements here and there but for the most part have worked through them without any permanent damage until now. We have always done things together as a family (photos, birthdays, holidays, etc) and for the most part we have co-parented well - I should say as long as I do everything that is. The BF was severely abused as a child and is extremely narcissistic and feels that because he gives me money I am expected to go above and beyond the call of duty (I plan every outing, remind him he needs to see his son once per week, take him to his race car events - these are all out of town btw - etc.) He fits the Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder well and said he won’t go to therapy with me as he’s too smart for the therapist and won’t get anything out of it as he’ll just tell them what they want to hear. Don't get me wrong he has himself provided for me by allowing me to stay home with our son for 6 months and bought me a new car and paid off my credit cards - loan basis, I make monthly payments.

    He is very well off and I am not, but we agreed that I would be the caretaker and he the provider, but after we got in an argument over the holiday, he has not returned my phone calls nor answered my e-mails therefore not paying me for this month and forcing me to pay rent with savings. I will not be able to pay for next months rent or daycare. Since this is the second time in almost a year that he has cut me off financially I am retaining a lawyer, but having a hard time getting in for an appt. due to the holidays.

    He makes $300,000 and I make $53,000 and gives me $1500/month - I know this is below what a court would grant, but I thought it would be better for our son for us to get along.

    What is my next step? Do I call his work to see where he is? His work doesn't know he has a son; my doing this would really infuriate him.

    Do I call his family?

    Do I just sit on it until he calls me?

    He's very difficult to get a long with - everyone has to walk on eggshells around him, as he just isn't a happy person. He’s fake around his family - they have no idea how little he sees his son or even that he is so miserable. He is very manipulative and aggressive - in talk only, he's never been physical.

    Any advice would be appreciated.

  • #2
    He is under no obligation to pay you anything unless a court tells him to do so.

    First, his paternity must be established.

    Then, you go to court and work out child support and visitation. These are separate issues.

    Telling his whole family what he has or hasn't done will not legally help the situation.
    Not everything that makes you mad, sad or uncomfortable is legally actionable.

    I am not now nor ever was an attorney.

    Any statements I make are based purely upon my personal experiences and research which may or may not be accurate in a court of law.


    • #3
      Paternity has already been establish and proper papers filed when our son was an infant.

      He knows I can't pay for rent without his help and it is his way of showing me who is the boss - I've asked to get things on paper many times and he refuses. Because of this the only way would be for me to take him to court and I've always known that it will ruin any chance of us co-parenting, but now he is leaving me know choice... most likely on purpose.

      I was thinking of calling his family to make sure he's okay, but I can see your point there is no way to this through anyone really without explaining that he's disappeared.

      I'm so dissapointed at how juvinelle he's being.


      • #4
        Better to have everything court ordered than to have him controlling you. It seems right now he is trying to pull all of your strings and cut you off if you don't agree with him and that is not fair to the child.


        • #5
          I've avoided court for a very big reason. I know he will get partial custody, but since he has cut me off financially, I now have no choice.

          I've had my son with me the entire 3.5 yrs of his life - with the occasional overnight stay at his dads (maybe 7 nights in the last 2 years). His dad says he works all the time - I'm sure that's possibly true, but he certainly has plenty of time for a social life and girlfriend.

          He's said to me he wants 50/50 custody before and I have stated I don't agree - he's all talk, if I don't call him he won't call me to see his son. I tested it last year and finally called him after 3 weeks went by without contact. I accepted the fact that I would have to initiate his visits with our son and have done so consistently.

          I just don't trust him. He is irresponsible when it comes to many things. For instance, most of the electrical outlets in his house don't have covers - wires are exposed, the cabinets in the kitchen are missing most of the doors, he has a beer tap machine that constantly gets the floor wet due to condensation yet he has an electrical extension cord right next to it on the floor, and even had pot on the coffee table the last time our son spent the night at his house. I could go on, but I think you get the idea.

          This is going to get really ugly.


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