Safety in Relationships

[Caren]

Here I go again. This is a topic that my husband just doesn't seem to
understand. I have tried countless times, explaining what it takes for
me to feel safe in this relationship and he seems to find flaws with
it. I have told him what makes me feel unsafe and he finds flaws with
that too. For some reason it isn't making sense to him. Either I'm
not explaining it in a way that he understands or he is manipulating
me.

I am very curious as to what men and women in this newsgroup define as
safety within a relationship.

I am also curious to hear what makes folks feel unsafe.

Thanks.

[Dushichka]

Safety in Relationships


"Caren" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected] om...

Here I go again. This is a topic that my husband just doesn't seem to understand. I have tried countless times, explaining what it takes for me to feel safe in this relationship and he seems to find flaws with it. I have told him what makes me feel unsafe and he finds flaws with that too. For some reason it isn't making sense to him. Either I'm not explaining it in a way that he understands or he is manipulating me. I am very curious as to what men and women in this newsgroup define as safety within a relationship. I am also curious to hear what makes folks feel unsafe.

I'm really sorry, call me dim - I don't understand the question. What do you
mean by safety?

[JWB]

Safety in Relationships

"Caren" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected] om...

Here I go again. This is a topic that my husband just doesn't seem to understand. I have tried countless times, explaining what it takes for me to feel safe in this relationship and he seems to find flaws with it. I have told him what makes me feel unsafe and he finds flaws with that too. For some reason it isn't making sense to him. Either I'm not explaining it in a way that he understands or he is manipulating me. I am very curious as to what men and women in this newsgroup define as safety within a relationship. I am also curious to hear what makes folks feel unsafe.

I don't understand what you mean by "safe"? Is it a trust issue? Or do you
mean safe as in having smoke detectors (I have one in every room)

[WhansaMi]

Safety in Relationships

>"Caren" <[email protected]> wrote in message

news:[email protected] om...

Here I go again. This is a topic that my husband just doesn't seem to understand. I have tried countless times, explaining what it takes for me to feel safe in this relationship and he seems to find flaws with it. I have told him what makes me feel unsafe and he finds flaws with that too. For some reason it isn't making sense to him. Either I'm not explaining it in a way that he understands or he is manipulating me. I am very curious as to what men and women in this newsgroup define as safety within a relationship. I am also curious to hear what makes folks feel unsafe.

I'm really sorry, call me dim - I don't understand the question. What do youmean by safety?

Caren, I'm with her (him?). I'm not sure what you mean. It might help if
you could expand a bit.

Sheila

[Seeker]

Safety in Relationships


"Caren" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected] om...

Here I go again. This is a topic that my husband just doesn't seem to understand. I have tried countless times, explaining what it takes for me to feel safe in this relationship and he seems to find flaws with it. I have told him what makes me feel unsafe and he finds flaws with that too. For some reason it isn't making sense to him. Either I'm not explaining it in a way that he understands or he is manipulating me. I am very curious as to what men and women in this newsgroup define as safety within a relationship. I am also curious to hear what makes folks feel unsafe.

I suspect there are no meaningful generalizations -- it's probably related
to the topics of differing emotional needs, differing "love languages",
differing personalities. Someone who thinks providing predictability and
constancy is an expression of love probably cannot grasp at all how someone
else thinks providing surprise and variability would be one.

Having said that, safety to me *does* have within it some notion of
predictability and constancy. That within broad, predictable limits, no
matter what I say or do the other person will be there and won't hurt me
physically or emotionally, and won't cause them to freak out -- respond in
ways that will hurt me. I guess I'd put it this way -- a relationship feels
safe to me if I don't have to keep my guard up -- if I can feel free to be
me.

Ted

[Seeker]

Safety in Relationships

"WhansaMi" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]

Caren, I'm with her (him?). I'm not sure what you mean. It might help

if

you could expand a bit.

Weird. *I* think I understand exactly what Caren is asking and saying.
What does that say?

Ted

[Tony Miller]

Safety in Relationships

On 30 Jun 2004 12:43:35 -0700, Caren
<[email protected]> wrote:

Here I go again. This is a topic that my husband just doesn't seem to understand. I have tried countless times, explaining what it takes for me to feel safe in this relationship and he seems to find flaws with it. I have told him what makes me feel unsafe and he finds flaws with that too. For some reason it isn't making sense to him. Either I'm not explaining it in a way that he understands or he is manipulating me. I am very curious as to what men and women in this newsgroup define as safety within a relationship. I am also curious to hear what makes folks feel unsafe.

Men don't look for safety. Men deal with danger when it happens. That's
what makes us men.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Check out: http://www.manlymen.org (don't type .com) )

-Tony

--
"If the grass appears to be greener on the other side of the fence, it's time
to fertilize your lawn!"
Want to jump start your marriage? Consider a Marriage Encounter weekend.
Check out http://www.wwme.org for more information.

[Tony Miller]

Safety in Relationships

On Wed, 30 Jun 2004 15:06:22 -0500, Seeker
<[email protected]> wrote:

"WhansaMi" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]

Caren, I'm with her (him?). I'm not sure what you mean. It might help

if

you could expand a bit.

Weird. *I* think I understand exactly what Caren is asking and saying. What does that say?

It says you're a girly man

-Tony

--
"If the grass appears to be greener on the other side of the fence, it's time
to fertilize your lawn!"
Want to jump start your marriage? Consider a Marriage Encounter weekend.
Check out http://www.wwme.org for more information.

[urf]

Safety in Relationships


"Caren" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected] om...

Here I go again. This is a topic that my husband just doesn't seem to understand. I have tried countless times, explaining what it takes for me to feel safe in this relationship and he seems to find flaws with it. I have told him what makes me feel unsafe and he finds flaws with that too. For some reason it isn't making sense to him. Either I'm not explaining it in a way that he understands or he is manipulating me. I am very curious as to what men and women in this newsgroup define as safety within a relationship. I am also curious to hear what makes folks feel unsafe. Thanks.

It seems me to that feeling "safe" is a personal issue. I remember
in my Army basic training days, guys were scared by machine gun fire and
by gas attacks. It never dawned on me that it was not safe.
My reasoning was that thousands of other guys before me went
through the gas chambers and obstacle course without getting killed.
Why would it be dangerous for me? After all they "wanted" us to live
at least until it was somebody else shooting at us.

He doesn't understand you because he is not you. He has his own
set of fears and things that make him feel scared. Maybe he is
just too ignorant to be afraid of the future and you are so smart that
you see every pitfall?

He could be more sensitive to your weakness' and fears. That might
make you feel safe, but would you really be any safer?

I don't think that there is any way to squeeze logic from emotions like
feeling safe. It is takes place in a particular place in your brain. I
believe
it is the Amygdala but correct me if I misstate. It is the very
same place that we feel love and enjoy touch and experience urges.
It is the animal brain within us.

[Stephanie Stowe]

Safety in Relationships


"Tony Miller" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]

On 30 Jun 2004 12:43:35 -0700, Caren <[email protected]> wrote:

Here I go again. This is a topic that my husband just doesn't seem to understand. I have tried countless times, explaining what it takes for me to feel safe in this relationship and he seems to find flaws with it. I have told him what makes me feel unsafe and he finds flaws with that too. For some reason it isn't making sense to him. Either I'm not explaining it in a way that he understands or he is manipulating me. I am very curious as to what men and women in this newsgroup define as safety within a relationship. I am also curious to hear what makes folks feel unsafe.

Men don't look for safety. Men deal with danger when it happens. That's what makes us men.

That is not universal by any stretch of the imagination. I wonder if it is
even prevalent.

Thanks. You're welcome. Check out: http://www.manlymen.org (don't type .com) ) -Tony -- "If the grass appears to be greener on the other side of the fence, it's

time

to fertilize your lawn!" Want to jump start your marriage? Consider a Marriage Encounter weekend. Check out http://www.wwme.org for more information.

[WhansaMi]

Safety in Relationships

>"WhansaMi" <[email protected]> wrote in message

news:[email protected]

Caren, I'm with her (him?). I'm not sure what you mean. It might help

if

you could expand a bit.

Weird. *I* think I understand exactly what Caren is asking and saying.What does that say?Ted

There are many ways of feeling safe, from physical safety issues, to emotional
safety issues, to financial safety issues. I don't necessarily want to deal
with one of them if what she is asking for is about another.

Sheila

[Tracey]

Safety in Relationships



Caren wrote:

Here I go again. This is a topic that my husband just doesn't seem to understand. I have tried countless times, explaining what it takes for me to feel safe in this relationship and he seems to find flaws with it. I have told him what makes me feel unsafe and he finds flaws with that too. For some reason it isn't making sense to him. Either I'm not explaining it in a way that he understands or he is manipulating me. I am very curious as to what men and women in this newsgroup define as safety within a relationship. I am also curious to hear what makes folks feel unsafe. Thanks.

I'm not sure this is going to help, Caren. What I'm seeing as the
problem is that your husband's having a problem accepting that you
don't feel the way he does about this issue. Either consciously or
subconsciously, he can't 'get' that your feeling of X isn't some-
thing he can prove is wrong. It just is.

Tracey

[urf]

Safety in Relationships


"Tony Miller" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]

On 30 Jun 2004 12:43:35 -0700, Caren <[email protected]> wrote:

Here I go again. This is a topic that my husband just doesn't seem to understand. I have tried countless times, explaining what it takes for me to feel safe in this relationship and he seems to find flaws with it. I have told him what makes me feel unsafe and he finds flaws with that too. For some reason it isn't making sense to him. Either I'm not explaining it in a way that he understands or he is manipulating me. I am very curious as to what men and women in this newsgroup define as safety within a relationship. I am also curious to hear what makes folks feel unsafe.

Men don't look for safety. Men deal with danger when it happens. That's what makes us men.

Thanks.

You're welcome. Check out: http://www.manlymen.org (don't type .com) ) -Tony

Speak for yourself Tony. I'm all man and I choose to be safe.

[Doug Anderson]

Safety in Relationships

[email protected] (Caren) writes:

Here I go again. This is a topic that my husband just doesn't seem to understand. I have tried countless times, explaining what it takes for me to feel safe in this relationship and he seems to find flaws with it. I have told him what makes me feel unsafe and he finds flaws with that too. For some reason it isn't making sense to him. Either I'm not explaining it in a way that he understands or he is manipulating me. I am very curious as to what men and women in this newsgroup define as safety within a relationship. I am also curious to hear what makes folks feel unsafe.

It is hard to know exactly what to think based on your description,
but I find myself wanting to give your husband a slap upside the head.

It doesn't _matter_ whether he agrees with what makes you feel safe or
unsafe, those are your feelings and aren't subject to persuasion by
him. It is possible to make him understand that?

Now having said that, it is conceivable that he is unable or unwilling
to do what is required to make you feel safe.


I have to say, I don't think much about safety or unsafety in our
relationship. My mother-in-law is an alcoholic, and one thing that
(occasionally) makes me feel unsafe is when my wife drinks a lot in an
evening. (Not physically unsafe.)

The things that make me feel safe are the (general) knowledge that I
am her first priority and that no matter what she was doing, she would
take time for me if I needed her.

But I don't know if either of these things are what you had in mind.

[Tony Miller]

Safety in Relationships

On Wed, 30 Jun 2004 21:55:16 GMT, urf
<[email protected]> wrote:

"Tony Miller" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]

On 30 Jun 2004 12:43:35 -0700, Caren <[email protected]> wrote:

Here I go again. This is a topic that my husband just doesn't seem to understand. I have tried countless times, explaining what it takes for me to feel safe in this relationship and he seems to find flaws with it. I have told him what makes me feel unsafe and he finds flaws with that too. For some reason it isn't making sense to him. Either I'm not explaining it in a way that he understands or he is manipulating me. I am very curious as to what men and women in this newsgroup define as safety within a relationship. I am also curious to hear what makes folks feel unsafe.

Men don't look for safety. Men deal with danger when it happens. That's what makes us men.

Thanks.

You're welcome. Check out: http://www.manlymen.org (don't type .com) ) -Tony

Speak for yourself Tony. I'm all man and I choose to be safe.

You must be one of those "sensitive" men, urf

-Tony

--
"If the grass appears to be greener on the other side of the fence, it's time
to fertilize your lawn!"
Want to jump start your marriage? Consider a Marriage Encounter weekend.
Check out http://www.wwme.org for more information.