Safety in Relationships

[Stephanie Stowe]

Safety in Relationships


"Doug Anderson" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]

"glunk" <[email protected]> writes:

"Doug Anderson" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]_s02...

"glunk" <[email protected]> writes: > "Doug Anderson" <[email protected]> wrote in message > news:[email protected]_s03... > > "glunk" <[email protected]> writes: > > > > > I guess I have something in common with your 14 yo. You have a

hair

> across > > > your ***, and I am fairly chill. Heck, I am so chill that at 36 years

> old I > > > still say the word "chill." Oh, and "cool. " And "wicked" (NH

thing).

> > > > Not jus NH. But I haven't heard it outside of New England. And I > > don't _think_ I've heard it south of Boston even within NE. > > > > The question I have is do _kids_ still say "wicked" or are you > > actually dating yourself? > > I have no idea. My son says wicked. But he is three, and he says

whatever I

> say. All of which is beside the point. Totally beside the point! I just like language, especially regional variations. So I like it when I'm in Seattle in a restaurant and I hear someone three tables over in a North Shore accent saying "wicked nice cah!" (For the rest of you, that refers to an automobile you wish you were driving!)

Did you see Finding Nemo? I about died laughing at the scene when the animals were passing on the story. When the lobster started talking, DH

and

I cracked up and DS had no idea why. Not really. I saw it on an airplane, and didn't rent the headphones. My kids liked it a lot (I rented the headphones for them, not planning to watch it myself, but I got kind of engrossed in the animation).

Forget it. Without the headphones, the lobster is not funny.

[Stephanie Stowe]

Safety in Relationships


"Ignoramus7328" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]

In article <[email protected]_s54>, Doug Anderson wrote:

Ignoramus32482 <[email protected]> writes:

In article <[email protected]>, WhansaMi

wrote:

> >> >>> Whatever. That sounds so ****ed ANAL I cannot quite get with that

program.

>>> Personally, I would not feel the need to bust the kid's chops. Life

will be

>>> plain difficult enough without me getting all punitive on him or

her. If

>>the >>> teenager is going to make a success of being an adult, they still

need love

>>> and support. >> >>I'm with you. I am a huge believer in both natural consequences and >>logical consequences, but the consequences of having a baby as a >>teenager are so huge that I wouldn't feel the need to dream up more

of

>>them to make a point. > > But, ya know, I've seen a number of circumstances where the teen

really

> *doesn't* have to handle the consequences. In the spirit of "We're

all family,

> and we'll pull together, and there is joy in the birth of EVERY

baby," the

> **family** raises that baby, and the teen really ends up with no more > responsibility than a big sister has. The grandmother moves in and

does most

> of the night feeding, because "Well, she has to be at school in the

morning,

> you know". Grandpa laughingly talks about how "That child will never

walk,

> because he's carried around by everyone all the time." The teen goes

on with

> her life, pretty much as if nothing has changed, except that she

talks a lot

> about *her* baby, and dresses it up and takes it to the mall,

returning him

> home to grandma so she can go on a date. > > And, then everyone is all surprised when she is pregnant again in two

years,

> or, worse, the younger sister is pregnant. I have to say that I have never seen such a situation, which could obviously be a reflection of my limited experience, or a reflection of the fact that my social circle involves loving families where that sort of thing (whoring around for missing love) does not happen, since kids do get love and attention. Kids see responsible parents, and also act responsibly, even if parents do not threaten them with all kinds of nonsense. I think there are social groups in the U.S. where this would be normal. And in those groups you have to be an exceptional parent to avoid this scenario. That could be right.

And then in many middle-class social groups this would be extremely unusual and most parents will avoid this scenario without even trying especially hard.

Exactly. The key is emulate those parents where such things do not happen very much.

It is not jut a specific set of parents but the whole social group and what
is "normal" within that group, I think.

On the other hand, if I had a child at the age of 15, by now that child would just have graduated from high school this June, pretty cool. i

[Doug Anderson]

Safety in Relationships

"glunk" <[email protected]> writes:

"Ignoramus7328" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]

In article <[email protected]_s54>, Doug Anderson wrote:

snip

I think there are social groups in the U.S. where this would be normal. And in those groups you have to be an exceptional parent to avoid this scenario. That could be right.

And then in many middle-class social groups this would be extremely unusual and most parents will avoid this scenario without even trying especially hard.

Exactly. The key is emulate those parents where such things do not happen very much. It is not jut a specific set of parents but the whole social group and what is "normal" within that group, I think.

Yeah. That was what I was talking about. Parents can have a dramatic
affect on a child, but so can the child's peers.

[Kimberlee]

Safety in Relationships

Safe, to me, means nurturing.
Even if flaws are pointed out, they should be pointed out in a nurturing,
kind way; not in anger, not to gain control.
Sometimes folks find flaws in order to manipulate, control, disparage, and
brow beat.
~Kimberlee


"Caren" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected] om...

Here I go again. This is a topic that my husband just doesn't seem to understand. I have tried countless times, explaining what it takes for me to feel safe in this relationship and he seems to find flaws with it. I have told him what makes me feel unsafe and he finds flaws with that too. For some reason it isn't making sense to him. Either I'm not explaining it in a way that he understands or he is manipulating me. I am very curious as to what men and women in this newsgroup define as safety within a relationship. I am also curious to hear what makes folks feel unsafe. Thanks.

[urf]

Safety in Relationships

Hello stranger. Where ya been?

"Kimberlee" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]

Safe, to me, means nurturing. Even if flaws are pointed out, they should be pointed out in a nurturing, kind way; not in anger, not to gain control. Sometimes folks find flaws in order to manipulate, control, disparage, and brow beat. ~Kimberlee "Caren" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected] om...

Here I go again. This is a topic that my husband just doesn't seem to understand. I have tried countless times, explaining what it takes for me to feel safe in this relationship and he seems to find flaws with it. I have told him what makes me feel unsafe and he finds flaws with that too. For some reason it isn't making sense to him. Either I'm not explaining it in a way that he understands or he is manipulating me. I am very curious as to what men and women in this newsgroup define as safety within a relationship. I am also curious to hear what makes folks feel unsafe. Thanks.

[Kimberlee]

Safety in Relationships

Oh, it's been a busy summer!
Our house burned down in April...so we've been trying to figure out what's
next!
Work is going well--keeping busy, but finally getting my energy back.
Life is well...we are blessed.

How're things in your neck of the woods?
~Kimberlee



"urf" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]

Hello stranger. Where ya been? "Kimberlee" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]

Safe, to me, means nurturing. Even if flaws are pointed out, they should be pointed out in a

nurturing,

kind way; not in anger, not to gain control. Sometimes folks find flaws in order to manipulate, control, disparage,

and

brow beat. ~Kimberlee "Caren" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected] om...

Here I go again. This is a topic that my husband just doesn't seem to understand. I have tried countless times, explaining what it takes for me to feel safe in this relationship and he seems to find flaws with it. I have told him what makes me feel unsafe and he finds flaws with that too. For some reason it isn't making sense to him. Either I'm not explaining it in a way that he understands or he is manipulating me. I am very curious as to what men and women in this newsgroup define as safety within a relationship. I am also curious to hear what makes folks feel unsafe. Thanks.

[urf]

Safety in Relationships

We are blessed as well. My #1 son is moving into a new house around the
corner from
us next week. #2 son moved a few months ago. #3 had us all out to his condo
in
Hoboken a few weeks ago. All 3 granddaughters are in fine health and love
their
poppy. I seriously thinking about retirement and Estelle is working for
someone
else for the first time in 30 years. I miss her around me all day but I love
seeing
her when she comes home. It reminds me of when we first met.

"Kimberlee" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]

Oh, it's been a busy summer! Our house burned down in April...so we've been trying to figure out what's next! Work is going well--keeping busy, but finally getting my energy back. Life is well...we are blessed. How're things in your neck of the woods? ~Kimberlee "urf" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]

Hello stranger. Where ya been?

[Caren]

Safety in Relationships

"Kimberlee" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:<[email protected]>...

Oh, it's been a busy summer! Our house burned down in April...so we've been trying to figure out what's next! Work is going well--keeping busy, but finally getting my energy back. Life is well...we are blessed. How're things in your neck of the woods? ~KimberleeYou have got be to kidding! Kimberlee, how are you doing? And how

is your husband doing? You are an amazing woman, after being through
your husband's ordeal, your house burning down and still feeling
blessed.

Bless you!!!

((((((((Kimberlee))))))))

[Kimberlee]

Safety in Relationships

Oh, I have my days; believe me! There are days when I'm not
amazing--rather, more resembling something the cat drug in!

You know, the one thing it all comes back to for me is love. We've been so
blessed throughout both ordeals, and we always have had options. The
morning after the fire, our driveway was packed with people who'd come over
to help. They brought food, coffee, clothing, socks (!) tools, gloves,
shovels, rakes, and lots and lots of hugs and love. We're still getting
offers of help from people we don't even know. I've worked with so many
clients who were isolated, afraid, alone with no support, to know that I'm
very, very fortunate! I didn't work for 2 weeks after the fire, but when I
would stop by the office to check on mail and messages, my office was always
stacked with donations from the community. What has meant the most to me
were the loving cards we received from people; kind words and love, from
complete strangers. In the big scheme of things, that is so much more
important than "things." It bolstered my hope for our country, and
strengthened my faith in God. And of course, I have my husband. When I
first received the call, neighbors and EMS workers feared that Skip was
trapped in the house.

In comparison, this tragedy is easier to cope with on some levels because my
best friend is here to talk with, to share with, and to cry with. The last
one, he was so loopy on morphine he wasn't much help <grin>.

The first 2 months after the fire were easier for Skip than for me. I was
so totally lost and grieving so much the loss of our birds and beloved dog,
Ono.
Now I think he's struggling more than I am. We're staying in a small
apartment (again, blessed by acquaintances who called us 3 days after the
fire and said "We have an apartment we were going to rent out in about 6
weeks--why don't you stay there for a while until you get on your feet?").
He feels displaced, though, because he doesn't have his own "space" to bring
projects home and putter. He's also a little overwhelmed, trying to figure
out whether to buy, re-build, rent, or scrap it all and leave Alaska
altogether (I'm not a big fan of this idea, but the idea of moving to the
Big Island is appealing to him). I suggested a couple of days ago that we
just simply stay put where we are for the winter, then re-examine our
options later in the winter. I think we're trying to make too many big
decisions right now, and I know that *I'm* overwhelmed.

And laughter, dear. Appreciating the gift of laughter for the gift it is!
~Kimberlee

"Caren" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected] om...

"Kimberlee" <[email protected].com> wrote in message

news:<[email protected]>...

Oh, it's been a busy summer! Our house burned down in April...so we've been trying to figure out

what's

next! Work is going well--keeping busy, but finally getting my energy back. Life is well...we are blessed. How're things in your neck of the woods? ~KimberleeYou have got be to kidding! Kimberlee, how are you doing? And how is your husband doing? You are an amazing woman, after being through your husband's ordeal, your house burning down and still feeling blessed. Bless you!!! ((((((((Kimberlee))))))))

[Tracey]

Safety in Relationships



Kimberlee wrote:

He's also a little overwhelmed, trying to figure out whether to buy,re-build, rent, or scrap it all and leave Alaska altogether (I'm nota big fan of this idea, but the idea of moving to the Big Island isappealing to him).

Well, I'm with Skip. Ask him if he wants a little help in the 'giving
Kimberlee a push' department. :P

I suggested a couple of days ago that we just simply stay put where we are for the winter, then re-examine our options later in the winter. I think we're trying to make too many big decisions right now, and I know that *I'm* overwhelmed.

That's probably a good idea. Although, trying to decide whether to
move to Hawaii in the middle of an Alaskan winter is probably not
the *best* time to make that decision. LOL

Tracey

[Kimberlee]

Safety in Relationships

I think you're right, Tracy.
Ask me at -40, with only 4 hours' daylight, and you might get a "Heck yeah;
let's go *right now*!"
LOL
~Kimberlee


"Tracey" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]

Kimberlee wrote:

He's also a little overwhelmed, trying to figure out whether to buy,re-build, rent, or scrap it all and leave Alaska altogether (I'm nota big fan of this idea, but the idea of moving to the Big Island isappealing to him).

Well, I'm with Skip. Ask him if he wants a little help in the 'giving Kimberlee a push' department. :P

I suggested a couple of days ago that we just simply stay put where we are for the winter, then re-examine our options later in the winter. I think we're trying to make too many big decisions right now, and I know that *I'm* overwhelmed.

That's probably a good idea. Although, trying to decide whether to move to Hawaii in the middle of an Alaskan winter is probably not the *best* time to make that decision. LOL Tracey

[Kimberlee]

Safety in Relationships

I think you're right, Tracy.
Ask me at -40, with only 4 hours' daylight, and you might get a "Heck yeah;
let's go *right now*!"
LOL
~Kimberlee


"Tracey" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]

Kimberlee wrote:

He's also a little overwhelmed, trying to figure out whether to buy,re-build, rent, or scrap it all and leave Alaska altogether (I'm nota big fan of this idea, but the idea of moving to the Big Island isappealing to him).

Well, I'm with Skip. Ask him if he wants a little help in the 'giving Kimberlee a push' department. :P

I suggested a couple of days ago that we just simply stay put where we are for the winter, then re-examine our options later in the winter. I think we're trying to make too many big decisions right now, and I know that *I'm* overwhelmed.

That's probably a good idea. Although, trying to decide whether to move to Hawaii in the middle of an Alaskan winter is probably not the *best* time to make that decision. LOL Tracey

[Tracey]

Safety in Relationships



Kimberlee wrote:

I think you're right, Tracy. Ask me at -40, with only 4 hours' daylight, and you might get a "Heck yeah; let's go *right now*!" LOL ~Kimberlee

When we moved here from Minneapolis, the three days that the movers
packed us out were snowy and never got above 10 degrees. The only way
I made it through those days were to keep thinking 'I'm going to be
in Hawaii in five days. I'm going to be in Hawaii in five days.'

Tracey

[Tracey]

Safety in Relationships



Kimberlee wrote:

I think you're right, Tracy. Ask me at -40, with only 4 hours' daylight, and you might get a "Heck yeah; let's go *right now*!" LOL ~Kimberlee

When we moved here from Minneapolis, the three days that the movers
packed us out were snowy and never got above 10 degrees. The only way
I made it through those days were to keep thinking 'I'm going to be
in Hawaii in five days. I'm going to be in Hawaii in five days.'

Tracey

[dana934]

Move to Hawai`i?


In response to Kimberlee's post #219:
Hawai`i is one of those places that have widely different value for men
and for women. Your husband would likely be very much happier there than you would. Native Hawaiians sometimes say "No Hawaiians, no aloha," to which i say "Plenty Hawaiian men, still no aloha." The men of Hawai`i are generally a bunch of very large babies, and i don't mean only Native Hawaiian men; men come over from the mainland, spend a couple of weeks, see the amount of bs the women are used to putting up with and, at some level, decide it would be a whole lot easier to move to Hawai`i than to grow up. Both of my cat sisters died in agony there (and i hope you'll accept my heartfelt sympathy on the loss of Ono and the birds) because of the infantile self-centeredness of three Hawaiian men -- one a crook, one a kidnapper
and one who let a pair of vicious dogs roam at will over miles of territory where he knew there were cats, smaller dogs, mongooses, et al. When i was hospitalized, the hospital staff stole seven of the then-new, gold colored
dollars, my watch and some other things from my packet of belongings, which was kept in the nursing station safe. The men there are contemptuous of women and think nothing of draping an arm around the shoulders of any unwilling woman they can find. If you can both appreciate and give aloha; if you vote for a full range of options for people of color, women, and children & teenagers; then the place for you is the northern California coast.