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  • Safety in Relationships

    Here I go again. This is a topic that my husband just doesn't seem to
    understand. I have tried countless times, explaining what it takes for
    me to feel safe in this relationship and he seems to find flaws with
    it. I have told him what makes me feel unsafe and he finds flaws with
    that too. For some reason it isn't making sense to him. Either I'm
    not explaining it in a way that he understands or he is manipulating
    me.

    I am very curious as to what men and women in this newsgroup define as
    safety within a relationship.

    I am also curious to hear what makes folks feel unsafe.

    Thanks.

  • #2
    Safety in Relationships


    "Caren" <[email protected]> wrote in message
    news:[email protected] om...
    Here I go again. This is a topic that my husband just doesn't seem to understand. I have tried countless times, explaining what it takes for me to feel safe in this relationship and he seems to find flaws with it. I have told him what makes me feel unsafe and he finds flaws with that too. For some reason it isn't making sense to him. Either I'm not explaining it in a way that he understands or he is manipulating me. I am very curious as to what men and women in this newsgroup define as safety within a relationship. I am also curious to hear what makes folks feel unsafe.

    I'm really sorry, call me dim - I don't understand the question. What do you
    mean by safety?


    Comment


    • #3
      Safety in Relationships

      "Caren" <[email protected]> wrote in message
      news:[email protected] om...
      Here I go again. This is a topic that my husband just doesn't seem to understand. I have tried countless times, explaining what it takes for me to feel safe in this relationship and he seems to find flaws with it. I have told him what makes me feel unsafe and he finds flaws with that too. For some reason it isn't making sense to him. Either I'm not explaining it in a way that he understands or he is manipulating me. I am very curious as to what men and women in this newsgroup define as safety within a relationship. I am also curious to hear what makes folks feel unsafe.
      I don't understand what you mean by "safe"? Is it a trust issue? Or do you
      mean safe as in having smoke detectors (I have one in every room)


      Comment


      • #4
        Safety in Relationships

        >"Caren" <[email protected]> wrote in message
        news:[email protected] om...
        Here I go again. This is a topic that my husband just doesn't seem to understand. I have tried countless times, explaining what it takes for me to feel safe in this relationship and he seems to find flaws with it. I have told him what makes me feel unsafe and he finds flaws with that too. For some reason it isn't making sense to him. Either I'm not explaining it in a way that he understands or he is manipulating me. I am very curious as to what men and women in this newsgroup define as safety within a relationship. I am also curious to hear what makes folks feel unsafe.
        I'm really sorry, call me dim - I don't understand the question. What do youmean by safety?

        Caren, I'm with her (him?). I'm not sure what you mean. It might help if
        you could expand a bit.

        Sheila

        Comment


        • #5
          Safety in Relationships


          "Caren" <[email protected]> wrote in message
          news:[email protected] om...
          Here I go again. This is a topic that my husband just doesn't seem to understand. I have tried countless times, explaining what it takes for me to feel safe in this relationship and he seems to find flaws with it. I have told him what makes me feel unsafe and he finds flaws with that too. For some reason it isn't making sense to him. Either I'm not explaining it in a way that he understands or he is manipulating me. I am very curious as to what men and women in this newsgroup define as safety within a relationship. I am also curious to hear what makes folks feel unsafe.
          I suspect there are no meaningful generalizations -- it's probably related
          to the topics of differing emotional needs, differing "love languages",
          differing personalities. Someone who thinks providing predictability and
          constancy is an expression of love probably cannot grasp at all how someone
          else thinks providing surprise and variability would be one.

          Having said that, safety to me *does* have within it some notion of
          predictability and constancy. That within broad, predictable limits, no
          matter what I say or do the other person will be there and won't hurt me
          physically or emotionally, and won't cause them to freak out -- respond in
          ways that will hurt me. I guess I'd put it this way -- a relationship feels
          safe to me if I don't have to keep my guard up -- if I can feel free to be
          me.

          Ted


          Comment


          • #6
            Safety in Relationships

            "WhansaMi" <whansami[email protected]> wrote in message
            news:[email protected]
            Caren, I'm with her (him?). I'm not sure what you mean. It might help
            if
            you could expand a bit.
            Weird. *I* think I understand exactly what Caren is asking and saying.
            What does that say?

            Ted


            Comment


            • #7
              Safety in Relationships

              On 30 Jun 2004 12:43:35 -0700, Caren
              <[email protected]> wrote:
              Here I go again. This is a topic that my husband just doesn't seem to understand. I have tried countless times, explaining what it takes for me to feel safe in this relationship and he seems to find flaws with it. I have told him what makes me feel unsafe and he finds flaws with that too. For some reason it isn't making sense to him. Either I'm not explaining it in a way that he understands or he is manipulating me. I am very curious as to what men and women in this newsgroup define as safety within a relationship. I am also curious to hear what makes folks feel unsafe.
              Men don't look for safety. Men deal with danger when it happens. That's
              what makes us men.
              Thanks.
              You're welcome.

              Check out: http://www.manlymen.org (don't type .com) )

              -Tony

              --
              "If the grass appears to be greener on the other side of the fence, it's time
              to fertilize your lawn!"
              Want to jump start your marriage? Consider a Marriage Encounter weekend.
              Check out http://www.wwme.org for more information.

              Comment


              • #8
                Safety in Relationships

                On Wed, 30 Jun 2004 15:06:22 -0500, Seeker
                <[email protected]> wrote:
                "WhansaMi" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]
                Caren, I'm with her (him?). I'm not sure what you mean. It might help
                if
                you could expand a bit.
                Weird. *I* think I understand exactly what Caren is asking and saying. What does that say?
                It says you're a girly man

                -Tony

                --
                "If the grass appears to be greener on the other side of the fence, it's time
                to fertilize your lawn!"
                Want to jump start your marriage? Consider a Marriage Encounter weekend.
                Check out http://www.wwme.org for more information.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Safety in Relationships


                  "Caren" <[email protected]> wrote in message
                  news:[email protected] om...
                  Here I go again. This is a topic that my husband just doesn't seem to understand. I have tried countless times, explaining what it takes for me to feel safe in this relationship and he seems to find flaws with it. I have told him what makes me feel unsafe and he finds flaws with that too. For some reason it isn't making sense to him. Either I'm not explaining it in a way that he understands or he is manipulating me. I am very curious as to what men and women in this newsgroup define as safety within a relationship. I am also curious to hear what makes folks feel unsafe. Thanks.
                  It seems me to that feeling "safe" is a personal issue. I remember
                  in my Army basic training days, guys were scared by machine gun fire and
                  by gas attacks. It never dawned on me that it was not safe.
                  My reasoning was that thousands of other guys before me went
                  through the gas chambers and obstacle course without getting killed.
                  Why would it be dangerous for me? After all they "wanted" us to live
                  at least until it was somebody else shooting at us.

                  He doesn't understand you because he is not you. He has his own
                  set of fears and things that make him feel scared. Maybe he is
                  just too ignorant to be afraid of the future and you are so smart that
                  you see every pitfall?

                  He could be more sensitive to your weakness' and fears. That might
                  make you feel safe, but would you really be any safer?

                  I don't think that there is any way to squeeze logic from emotions like
                  feeling safe. It is takes place in a particular place in your brain. I
                  believe
                  it is the Amygdala but correct me if I misstate. It is the very
                  same place that we feel love and enjoy touch and experience urges.
                  It is the animal brain within us.





                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Safety in Relationships


                    "Tony Miller" <[email protected]> wrote in message
                    news:[email protected]
                    On 30 Jun 2004 12:43:35 -0700, Caren <[email protected]> wrote:
                    Here I go again. This is a topic that my husband just doesn't seem to understand. I have tried countless times, explaining what it takes for me to feel safe in this relationship and he seems to find flaws with it. I have told him what makes me feel unsafe and he finds flaws with that too. For some reason it isn't making sense to him. Either I'm not explaining it in a way that he understands or he is manipulating me. I am very curious as to what men and women in this newsgroup define as safety within a relationship. I am also curious to hear what makes folks feel unsafe.
                    Men don't look for safety. Men deal with danger when it happens. That's what makes us men.

                    That is not universal by any stretch of the imagination. I wonder if it is
                    even prevalent.
                    Thanks. You're welcome. Check out: http://www.manlymen.org (don't type .com) ) -Tony -- "If the grass appears to be greener on the other side of the fence, it's
                    time
                    to fertilize your lawn!" Want to jump start your marriage? Consider a Marriage Encounter weekend. Check out http://www.wwme.org for more information.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Safety in Relationships

                      >"WhansaMi" <[email protected]> wrote in message
                      news:[email protected]
                      Caren, I'm with her (him?). I'm not sure what you mean. It might help
                      if
                      you could expand a bit.
                      Weird. *I* think I understand exactly what Caren is asking and saying.What does that say?Ted
                      There are many ways of feeling safe, from physical safety issues, to emotional
                      safety issues, to financial safety issues. I don't necessarily want to deal
                      with one of them if what she is asking for is about another.

                      Sheila

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Safety in Relationships



                        Caren wrote:
                        Here I go again. This is a topic that my husband just doesn't seem to understand. I have tried countless times, explaining what it takes for me to feel safe in this relationship and he seems to find flaws with it. I have told him what makes me feel unsafe and he finds flaws with that too. For some reason it isn't making sense to him. Either I'm not explaining it in a way that he understands or he is manipulating me. I am very curious as to what men and women in this newsgroup define as safety within a relationship. I am also curious to hear what makes folks feel unsafe. Thanks.
                        I'm not sure this is going to help, Caren. What I'm seeing as the
                        problem is that your husband's having a problem accepting that you
                        don't feel the way he does about this issue. Either consciously or
                        subconsciously, he can't 'get' that your feeling of X isn't some-
                        thing he can prove is wrong. It just is.

                        Tracey

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Safety in Relationships


                          "Tony Miller" <[email protected]> wrote in message
                          news:[email protected]
                          On 30 Jun 2004 12:43:35 -0700, Caren <[email protected]> wrote:
                          Here I go again. This is a topic that my husband just doesn't seem to understand. I have tried countless times, explaining what it takes for me to feel safe in this relationship and he seems to find flaws with it. I have told him what makes me feel unsafe and he finds flaws with that too. For some reason it isn't making sense to him. Either I'm not explaining it in a way that he understands or he is manipulating me. I am very curious as to what men and women in this newsgroup define as safety within a relationship. I am also curious to hear what makes folks feel unsafe.
                          Men don't look for safety. Men deal with danger when it happens. That's what makes us men.
                          Thanks.
                          You're welcome. Check out: http://www.manlymen.org (don't type .com) ) -Tony
                          Speak for yourself Tony. I'm all man and I choose to be safe.


                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Safety in Relationships

                            [email protected] (Caren) writes:
                            Here I go again. This is a topic that my husband just doesn't seem to understand. I have tried countless times, explaining what it takes for me to feel safe in this relationship and he seems to find flaws with it. I have told him what makes me feel unsafe and he finds flaws with that too. For some reason it isn't making sense to him. Either I'm not explaining it in a way that he understands or he is manipulating me. I am very curious as to what men and women in this newsgroup define as safety within a relationship. I am also curious to hear what makes folks feel unsafe.
                            It is hard to know exactly what to think based on your description,
                            but I find myself wanting to give your husband a slap upside the head.

                            It doesn't _matter_ whether he agrees with what makes you feel safe or
                            unsafe, those are your feelings and aren't subject to persuasion by
                            him. It is possible to make him understand that?

                            Now having said that, it is conceivable that he is unable or unwilling
                            to do what is required to make you feel safe.


                            I have to say, I don't think much about safety or unsafety in our
                            relationship. My mother-in-law is an alcoholic, and one thing that
                            (occasionally) makes me feel unsafe is when my wife drinks a lot in an
                            evening. (Not physically unsafe.)

                            The things that make me feel safe are the (general) knowledge that I
                            am her first priority and that no matter what she was doing, she would
                            take time for me if I needed her.

                            But I don't know if either of these things are what you had in mind.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Safety in Relationships

                              On Wed, 30 Jun 2004 21:55:16 GMT, urf
                              <[email protected]> wrote:
                              "Tony Miller" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]
                              On 30 Jun 2004 12:43:35 -0700, Caren <[email protected]> wrote:
                              Here I go again. This is a topic that my husband just doesn't seem to understand. I have tried countless times, explaining what it takes for me to feel safe in this relationship and he seems to find flaws with it. I have told him what makes me feel unsafe and he finds flaws with that too. For some reason it isn't making sense to him. Either I'm not explaining it in a way that he understands or he is manipulating me. I am very curious as to what men and women in this newsgroup define as safety within a relationship. I am also curious to hear what makes folks feel unsafe.
                              Men don't look for safety. Men deal with danger when it happens. That's what makes us men.
                              Thanks.
                              You're welcome. Check out: http://www.manlymen.org (don't type .com) ) -Tony
                              Speak for yourself Tony. I'm all man and I choose to be safe.
                              You must be one of those "sensitive" men, urf

                              -Tony

                              --
                              "If the grass appears to be greener on the other side of the fence, it's time
                              to fertilize your lawn!"
                              Want to jump start your marriage? Consider a Marriage Encounter weekend.
                              Check out http://www.wwme.org for more information.

                              Comment

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