A question to ponder...

[Amy D]

A question to ponder...



Sh3|| wrote:

If you found out your spouse had a affiar, and you ask them and they admitted it. Would you want to know the details if you were clueless of the affiar? Shell

Nope, no details. Okay, the sick part of me might want them. The intelligent part would go straight to a lawyer.

I know, I sound unforgiving. I've forgiven more than my share. An affair would be the marriage-buster.

amy

[Amy D]

A question to ponder...



Sh3|| wrote:

"Doug Anderson" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]_s01...

"Sh3||" <[email protected]> writes:

"Doug Anderson" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]_s04... > "Sh3||" <[email protected]> writes: > > > If you found out your spouse had a affiar, and you ask them and they > > admitted it. Would you want to know the details if you were > > clueless of the affiar? > > Depends on your idea of details. I'd like to know why it happened, > and maybe figure out what to do so it doesn't happen again. > > As far as specific details about who did what to whom and when, no > thank you. Why is a good question. I should ask that one.

Let me suggest that if this isn't an abstract point, the "why" question is often complicated. Often it is too complicated to get a complete answer by asking. (Which isn't to say you shouldn't ask.) If my wife had been dishonest with me about something important, I'd want to know that she understood how hurtful that was to me, and was struggling with her own issues to figure out what was behind that.

I know he understands how much he hurt me but when i asked him why he did it he said he did not know. Shell

Just keep in the back of your mind that a cheater can convincingly justify anything.....

And remember HE broke his vows not her....

amy

[WhansaMi]

A question to ponder...

>Sh3|| wrote:

If you found out your spouse had a affiar, and you ask them and they

admitted it. Would you want to know the details if you were clueless of theaffiar?

Shell

Nope, no details. Okay, the sick part of me might want them. Theintelligent part would go straight to a lawyer.I know, I sound unforgiving. I've forgiven more than my share. An affairwould be the marriage-buster.amy

Amy, I've just read three posts from you, and, ya know... I think we might just
be long lost sisters. ;-)

Sheila

[Kimberlee]

A question to ponder...

Okay. how's about [email protected]~spamstinks~acsalaska.net
Please delete the ~spamstinks~
This is supposed to reduce spam and those little autobots that pick up your
email address from newsgroups.
Don't know if it works or not...but I do it anyway.
Thank you!!!
~Kimberlee


"urf" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]
: I tried it again Kimberlee.
:
: "Kimberlee" <[email protected]~to~SENDMAILhotmail.com> wrote in message
: news:[email protected]
: > Didn't get it.
: > Could you try me again at @hotmail.com
: > ~Kimberlee
: >
: >
: > "urf" <[email protected]> wrote in message
: > news:[email protected]
: > : I think I sent you an email with my address. If you don't get it soon
: post
: > : back here. I'm very flattered that you think I can be helpful.
: > :
: > :
: > : "Kimberlee" <[email protected]~to~SENDMAILhotmail.com> wrote in message
: > : news:[email protected]
: > : > URF,
: > : > You responded to a question one time by talking about a time when
: > Estelle
: > : > cared for you when you were recovering.
: > : > May I email you privately? I have a couple of questions (looking
for
: > some
: > : > wisdom).
: > : > ~Kimberlee
: > : >
: > : >
: > : >
: > : >
: > : > "urf" <[email protected]> wrote in message
: > : > news:[email protected]
: > : > :
: > : > : "Sh3||" <[email protected]> wrote in message
: > : > : news:[email protected]
: > : > : If you found out your spouse had a affiar, and you ask them and
they
: > : > : admitted it. Would you want to know the details if you were
: clueless
: > of
: > : > the
: > : > : affiar?
: > : > :
: > : > : Shell
: > : > :
: > : > : From conversations with knowledgeable parties I have learned that
: > : usually
: > : > : the cheating partner
: > : > : wants to put it behind (a form of denial) while the other wants to
: > pick
: > : > over
: > : > : the details
: > : > : as one would eating a lobster. That is, they immerse themselves in
: it,
: > : > then
: > : > : endlessly pick over the
: > : > : leavings but they will never be satisfied. It is a way for them to
: be
: > : > : included in the act itself.
: > : > : Obviously, the victimized partners feelings should be respected
and
: > the
: > : > : cheating partner
: > : > : should share whatever detail is demanded (though it may lead to
: > further
: > : > : dishonesty in descriptions)
: > : > : but there is a point of diminishing returns.
: > : > :
: > : > : The thing is that an "affair" says more about the person having it
: > than
: > : > : their partner. Like
: > : > : it or not, we all have an inner self running around somewhere
inside
: > our
: > : > : heads and that self has ego and
: > : > : that self has weaknesses and that self is less than what we would
: like
: > : to
: > : > : portray and admit even to ourselves.
: > : > : We often act to prove our lack of worth even as we claim to the
: world
: > : how
: > : > : fine we are.
: > : > : It is the intimacy between two people that reveals the warts. It
is
: > : divine
: > : > : to forgive but
: > : > : stupid to allow someone to trample your feelings repeatedly.
: > : > :
: > : > :
: > : > :
: > : > :
: > : > :
: > : >
: > : >
: > :
: > :
: >
: >
:
:

[jdlaw]

A question to ponder...

You should probably find out if the other woman has any diseases. Have him
get checked out by a doctor before he touches you. There are too many
horrible STDs going around.




"Sh3||" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]
If you found out your spouse had a affiar, and you ask them and they
admitted it. Would you want to know the details if you were clueless of the
affiar?

Shell

[Melanie]

A question to ponder...

>If you found out your spouse had a affiar, and you ask them and they =
admitted it. Would you want to know the details if you were clueless of =
the affiar?

I would want to know the details as far as who, where, and why? Regardless of
the answer, I would be lawyer bound.
Melanie

[Amy D]

A question to ponder...



WhansaMi wrote:

Sh3|| wrote:

If you found out your spouse had a affiar, and you ask them and they

admitted it. Would you want to know the details if you were clueless of theaffiar?

Shell

Nope, no details. Okay, the sick part of me might want them. Theintelligent part would go straight to a lawyer.I know, I sound unforgiving. I've forgiven more than my share. An affairwould be the marriage-buster.amy Amy, I've just read three posts from you, and, ya know... I think we might just be long lost sisters. ;-) Sheila

Maybe. I've been in and out of here several times through the years in various
stages of insanity/relationship/marriage. I'm sure I seemed like an entirely
different person every time. Result of growing up in your 30's and growing old at
the same time...... Unfortunately, it seems the saner I get the closer to
divorce I get.....

amy <who is off to be a kid with the kids at an early Mardi Gras parade!>

[Sh3||]

A question to ponder...


"jdlaw" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]

You should probably find out if the other woman has any diseases. Have him get checked out by a doctor before he touches you. There are too many horrible STDs going around. "Sh3||" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected] If you found out your spouse had a affiar, and you ask them and they admitted it. Would you want to know the details if you were clueless of the affiar? Shell

We did for sure on that as I got told by him that the did use a condom but then she told her husband they did not. (BTW my form of revenge to her as I am spitful was to make sure her old man knew about the affair)

Shell

[Chrys]

A question to ponder...

"Sh3||" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected] ...
We did for sure on that as I got told by him that the did use a condom but
then she told her husband they did not. (BTW my form of revenge to her as
I am spitful was to make sure her old man knew about the affair)

Shell


Condoms aren't 100% effective at preventing diseases. Have you and your
husband been tested since this happened?

[shinypenny]

A question to ponder...

"Sh3||" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:<[email protected] m>...

Yes he said he was sorry, I guess my problem is I still dont trust him and that will take a while to build.

Undoubtedly. Your trust in him has suffered quite a blow. If you
decide to stay in the marriage, it's going to take quite some time to
build the trust back up. Hopefully he understands this and will be
patient with you.

When i orginally asked him why his answer was he did not know why he did it. Then i asked him to think on it. And I feel as though him at least telling me that little bit of info is at least closure. He has nothing to do with the "skinny chick" no more, yes I have lost a tonne of wait (all this shoveling snow sur does help) And I am a stay at home mom now which does help a lot.

That's a very good sign that he's willing to have nothing to do with
the skinny chick anymore.

I just was actually shocked over his answer. And because I'm very insecure about my weight I thought that maybe there was a difference. He does regret doing it though. As thats why he is trying to do everything to please me including moving 2 provinces and selling our house because I did not want to live in that town no more, nor have the house that the affair took place in.

Another good sign... he's trying to make amends to you.

So in that sense he has apoligized for all the heart ache he has caused me, and he tells me he loves me every day.

Yet another good sign... he's offering you the reassurance you need to
help build back your trust in him. Sounds to me like he has
re-committed to you in his heart and mind; all that's left is for you
to decide whether or not you wish to recommit.

My problem still is its hard for him to open up to me.

Perhaps this episode in your marriage will force him to learn to open
up more to you.

And I'm the wife that wants to know the details as I had no clue the affair took place. I'm still trying to put the peices together. Not that I want to know everything just some answers and not lies.

Personally if it were me I'd try hard to refrain from asking for too
many details. It sounds to me like it is water under the bridge, so
the only thing that sort of "lobster-picking" is going to accomplish
is further anxiety and hurt for you.

Although, I will say that your husband deserves to see your pain over
this. It will reinforce to him that he should never do this to you
again. So if you *do* ask questions, be sure to cry a lot when he
gives you his answers. :-)

Hes addmitted to me he does not want to tell me alot because he does not want to hurt me.

He needs to tell you only that which will impact your relationship
going forward. It may be painful to hear that there are things you
could improve, but that's nothing compared to the pain you'd endure
hearing about something that happened in the past that is now water
under the bridge. All you need to know about the past is that the
experience was one that made him realize how important you are to him,
and he decided to do the right thing by you and try to make it up to
you.

Good luck,
jen

[Sh3||]

A question to ponder...


"Chrys" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]

"Sh3||" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected] ... We did for sure on that as I got told by him that the did use a condom but then she told her husband they did not. (BTW my form of revenge to her as I am spitful was to make sure her old man knew about the affair) Shell Condoms aren't 100% effective at preventing diseases. Have you and your husband been tested since this happened?

Yes as soon as I found out I went and got tested

Shell

[Sh3||]

A question to ponder...


"shinypenny" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected] om...

"Sh3||" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:<[email protected] m>...

Yes he said he was sorry, I guess my problem is I still dont trust him and that will take a while to build.

Undoubtedly. Your trust in him has suffered quite a blow. If you decide to stay in the marriage, it's going to take quite some time to build the trust back up. Hopefully he understands this and will be patient with you.

When i orginally asked him why his answer was he did not know why he did it. Then i asked him to think on it. And I feel as though him at least telling me that little bit of info is at least closure. He has nothing to do with the "skinny chick" no more, yes I have lost a tonne of wait (all this shoveling snow sur does help) And I am a stay at home mom now which does help a lot.

That's a very good sign that he's willing to have nothing to do with the skinny chick anymore.

I just was actually shocked over his answer. And because I'm very insecure about my weight I thought that maybe there was a difference. He does regret doing it though. As thats why he is trying to do everything to please me including moving 2 provinces and selling our house because I did not want to live in that town no more, nor have the house that the affair took place in.

Another good sign... he's trying to make amends to you.

So in that sense he has apoligized for all the heart ache he has caused me, and he tells me he loves me every day.

Yet another good sign... he's offering you the reassurance you need to help build back your trust in him. Sounds to me like he has re-committed to you in his heart and mind; all that's left is for you to decide whether or not you wish to recommit.

My problem still is its hard for him to open up to me.

Perhaps this episode in your marriage will force him to learn to open up more to you.

And I'm the wife that wants to know the details as I had no clue the affair took place. I'm still trying to put the peices together. Not that I want to know everything just some answers and not lies.

Personally if it were me I'd try hard to refrain from asking for too many details. It sounds to me like it is water under the bridge, so the only thing that sort of "lobster-picking" is going to accomplish is further anxiety and hurt for you. Although, I will say that your husband deserves to see your pain over this. It will reinforce to him that he should never do this to you again. So if you *do* ask questions, be sure to cry a lot when he gives you his answers. :-)

Hes addmitted to me he does not want to tell me alot because he does not want to hurt me.

He needs to tell you only that which will impact your relationship going forward. It may be painful to hear that there are things you could improve, but that's nothing compared to the pain you'd endure hearing about something that happened in the past that is now water under the bridge. All you need to know about the past is that the experience was one that made him realize how important you are to him, and he decided to do the right thing by you and try to make it up to you. Good luck, jen

Thanks I think things are going better its been just over 6 months now since we have moved and no contact with him and any female ;o)

And yes I do end up crying when he did tell me some things.

And I guess I will have to let go in time of the questions that he does not and will not answer do to the fact that he figures he will hurt me.


Shell

[Coorslte]

A question to ponder...

Sh3|| wrote:

"jdlaw" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]

You should probably find out if the other woman has any diseases. Have himget checked out by a doctor before he touches you. There are too manyhorrible STDs going around."Sh3||" <[email protected]> wrote in messagenews:[email protected] .com...If you found out your spouse had a affiar, and you ask them and theyadmitted it. Would you want to know the details if you were clueless of theaffiar?Shell

We did for sure on that as I got told by him that the did use a condom but then she told her husband they did not. (BTW my form of revenge to her as I am spitful was to make sure her old man knew about the affair) Shell

I understand why you made sure her husband knew, but from his viewpoint
(and I was there in my first marriage), I would just as soon not know
anything (not even know there was and affair). When a friend told me
that my wife at the time was having an affair with on of out co-workers
it was probably the worst I had ever felt in my life. I know that the
marriage was probably doomed from the start, but I could have certainly
lived without that feeling.....any other reason for divorce would have
been better.