A question to ponder...

[Sh3||]

If you found out your spouse had a affiar, and you ask them and they admitted it. Would you want to know the details if you were clueless of the affiar?

Shell

[Doug Anderson]

A question to ponder...

"Sh3||" <[email protected]> writes:

If you found out your spouse had a affiar, and you ask them and they admitted it. Would you want to know the details if you were clueless of the affiar?

Depends on your idea of details. I'd like to know why it happened,
and maybe figure out what to do so it doesn't happen again.

As far as specific details about who did what to whom and when, no
thank you.

[Sh3||]

A question to ponder...


"Doug Anderson" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]_s04...

"Sh3||" <[email protected]> writes:

If you found out your spouse had a affiar, and you ask them and they admitted it. Would you want to know the details if you were clueless of the affiar?

Depends on your idea of details. I'd like to know why it happened, and maybe figure out what to do so it doesn't happen again. As far as specific details about who did what to whom and when, no thank you.

Why is a good question. I should ask that one.

Shell

[Doug Anderson]

A question to ponder...

"Sh3||" <[email protected]> writes:

"Doug Anderson" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]_s04...

"Sh3||" <[email protected]> writes:

If you found out your spouse had a affiar, and you ask them and they admitted it. Would you want to know the details if you were clueless of the affiar?

Depends on your idea of details. I'd like to know why it happened, and maybe figure out what to do so it doesn't happen again. As far as specific details about who did what to whom and when, no thank you.

Why is a good question. I should ask that one.

Let me suggest that if this isn't an abstract point, the "why"
question is often complicated. Often it is too complicated to get a
complete answer by asking. (Which isn't to say you shouldn't ask.)

If my wife had been dishonest with me about something important, I'd
want to know that she understood how hurtful that was to me, and was
struggling with her own issues to figure out what was behind that.

[Sh3||]

A question to ponder...


"Doug Anderson" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]_s01...

"Sh3||" <[email protected]> writes:

"Doug Anderson" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]_s04...

"Sh3||" <[email protected]> writes: > If you found out your spouse had a affiar, and you ask them and they > admitted it. Would you want to know the details if you were > clueless of the affiar? Depends on your idea of details. I'd like to know why it happened, and maybe figure out what to do so it doesn't happen again. As far as specific details about who did what to whom and when, no thank you.

Why is a good question. I should ask that one.

Let me suggest that if this isn't an abstract point, the "why" question is often complicated. Often it is too complicated to get a complete answer by asking. (Which isn't to say you shouldn't ask.) If my wife had been dishonest with me about something important, I'd want to know that she understood how hurtful that was to me, and was struggling with her own issues to figure out what was behind that.

I know he understands how much he hurt me but when i asked him why he did it he said he did not know.

Shell

[Tracey]

A question to ponder...

I know he understands how much he hurt me but when iasked him why he did it he said he did not know.

Been there. Got the same response. My question then
to him was 'Well, if you don't know *why*, then how
can I believe that you won't do it again? If you
haven't figured out why you did it, then you can't
figure out how to keep yourself from doing it again.'

Tracey

[Doug Anderson]

A question to ponder...

"Sh3||" <[email protected]> writes:

"Doug Anderson" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]_s01...

"Sh3||" <[email protected]> writes:

"Doug Anderson" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]_s04... > "Sh3||" <[email protected]> writes: > > > If you found out your spouse had a affiar, and you ask them and they > > admitted it. Would you want to know the details if you were > > clueless of the affiar? > > Depends on your idea of details. I'd like to know why it happened, > and maybe figure out what to do so it doesn't happen again. > > As far as specific details about who did what to whom and when, no > thank you. Why is a good question. I should ask that one.

Let me suggest that if this isn't an abstract point, the "why" question is often complicated. Often it is too complicated to get a complete answer by asking. (Which isn't to say you shouldn't ask.) If my wife had been dishonest with me about something important, I'd want to know that she understood how hurtful that was to me, and was struggling with her own issues to figure out what was behind that.

I know he understands how much he hurt me but when i asked him why he did it he said he did not know.

So I would find that an unacceptable answer.

Not that it is necesararily dishonest. He may not understand why he
did it. Maybe he was just being selfish and thought he could get away
with. Maybe he is missing something in your relationship and was
looking for it. Maybe he is insecure and the only way to feed that
emptiness is by making conquests. Maybe he just doesn't care about you.

Probably all of those are wrong - I'm not trying to play guessing
games. I'm just saying for me the answer "I don't know why" wouldn't
cut it.

[urf]

A question to ponder...


"Sh3||" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]
If you found out your spouse had a affiar, and you ask them and they
admitted it. Would you want to know the details if you were clueless of the
affiar?

Shell

From conversations with knowledgeable parties I have learned that usually
the cheating partner
wants to put it behind (a form of denial) while the other wants to pick over
the details
as one would eating a lobster. That is, they immerse themselves in it, then
endlessly pick over the
leavings but they will never be satisfied. It is a way for them to be
included in the act itself.
Obviously, the victimized partners feelings should be respected and the
cheating partner
should share whatever detail is demanded (though it may lead to further
dishonesty in descriptions)
but there is a point of diminishing returns.

The thing is that an "affair" says more about the person having it than
their partner. Like
it or not, we all have an inner self running around somewhere inside our
heads and that self has ego and
that self has weaknesses and that self is less than what we would like to
portray and admit even to ourselves.
We often act to prove our lack of worth even as we claim to the world how
fine we are.
It is the intimacy between two people that reveals the warts. It is divine
to forgive but
stupid to allow someone to trample your feelings repeatedly.

[Kimberlee]

A question to ponder...

URF,
You responded to a question one time by talking about a time when Estelle
cared for you when you were recovering.
May I email you privately? I have a couple of questions (looking for some
wisdom).
~Kimberlee




"urf" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]
:
: "Sh3||" <[email protected]> wrote in message
: news:[email protected]
: If you found out your spouse had a affiar, and you ask them and they
: admitted it. Would you want to know the details if you were clueless of
the
: affiar?
:
: Shell
:
: From conversations with knowledgeable parties I have learned that usually
: the cheating partner
: wants to put it behind (a form of denial) while the other wants to pick
over
: the details
: as one would eating a lobster. That is, they immerse themselves in it,
then
: endlessly pick over the
: leavings but they will never be satisfied. It is a way for them to be
: included in the act itself.
: Obviously, the victimized partners feelings should be respected and the
: cheating partner
: should share whatever detail is demanded (though it may lead to further
: dishonesty in descriptions)
: but there is a point of diminishing returns.
:
: The thing is that an "affair" says more about the person having it than
: their partner. Like
: it or not, we all have an inner self running around somewhere inside our
: heads and that self has ego and
: that self has weaknesses and that self is less than what we would like to
: portray and admit even to ourselves.
: We often act to prove our lack of worth even as we claim to the world how
: fine we are.
: It is the intimacy between two people that reveals the warts. It is divine
: to forgive but
: stupid to allow someone to trample your feelings repeatedly.
:
:
:
:
:

[urf]

A question to ponder...

I think I sent you an email with my address. If you don't get it soon post
back here. I'm very flattered that you think I can be helpful.


"Kimberlee" <[email protected]~to~SENDMAILhotmail.com> wrote in message
news:[email protected]

URF, You responded to a question one time by talking about a time when Estelle cared for you when you were recovering. May I email you privately? I have a couple of questions (looking for some wisdom). ~Kimberlee "urf" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected] : : "Sh3||" <[email protected]> wrote in message : news:[email protected] : If you found out your spouse had a affiar, and you ask them and they : admitted it. Would you want to know the details if you were clueless of the : affiar? : : Shell : : From conversations with knowledgeable parties I have learned that

usually

: the cheating partner : wants to put it behind (a form of denial) while the other wants to pick over : the details : as one would eating a lobster. That is, they immerse themselves in it, then : endlessly pick over the : leavings but they will never be satisfied. It is a way for them to be : included in the act itself. : Obviously, the victimized partners feelings should be respected and the : cheating partner : should share whatever detail is demanded (though it may lead to further : dishonesty in descriptions) : but there is a point of diminishing returns. : : The thing is that an "affair" says more about the person having it than : their partner. Like : it or not, we all have an inner self running around somewhere inside our : heads and that self has ego and : that self has weaknesses and that self is less than what we would like

to

: portray and admit even to ourselves. : We often act to prove our lack of worth even as we claim to the world

how

: fine we are. : It is the intimacy between two people that reveals the warts. It is

divine

: to forgive but : stupid to allow someone to trample your feelings repeatedly. : : : : :

[Emma Anne]

A question to ponder...

Sh3|| <[email protected]> wrote:

If you found out your spouse had a affiar, and you ask them and they admitted it. Would you want to know the details if you were clueless of the affiar? Shell

I read somewhere that one of the most painful things about an affair is
that the wife (say she was the betrayed spouse) has been shut out of the
cheating relationship, and the OP has had a window into the privacy of
the marriage. So this needs to be reversed. The OP needs to be shut
out completely, and the wife needs a window into the cheating
relationship. So yes, I think details need to be shared, to the extent
the betrayed spouse needs them to be.

Surviving an Affair is supposed to be really good book for this
situation.

[Kimberlee]

A question to ponder...

Didn't get it.
Could you try me again at @hotmail.com
~Kimberlee


"urf" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]
: I think I sent you an email with my address. If you don't get it soon post
: back here. I'm very flattered that you think I can be helpful.
:
:
: "Kimberlee" <[email protected]~to~SENDMAILhotmail.com> wrote in message
: news:[email protected]
: > URF,
: > You responded to a question one time by talking about a time when
Estelle
: > cared for you when you were recovering.
: > May I email you privately? I have a couple of questions (looking for
some
: > wisdom).
: > ~Kimberlee
: >
: >
: >
: >
: > "urf" <[email protected]> wrote in message
: > news:[email protected]
: > :
: > : "Sh3||" <[email protected]> wrote in message
: > : news:[email protected]
: > : If you found out your spouse had a affiar, and you ask them and they
: > : admitted it. Would you want to know the details if you were clueless
of
: > the
: > : affiar?
: > :
: > : Shell
: > :
: > : From conversations with knowledgeable parties I have learned that
: usually
: > : the cheating partner
: > : wants to put it behind (a form of denial) while the other wants to
pick
: > over
: > : the details
: > : as one would eating a lobster. That is, they immerse themselves in it,
: > then
: > : endlessly pick over the
: > : leavings but they will never be satisfied. It is a way for them to be
: > : included in the act itself.
: > : Obviously, the victimized partners feelings should be respected and
the
: > : cheating partner
: > : should share whatever detail is demanded (though it may lead to
further
: > : dishonesty in descriptions)
: > : but there is a point of diminishing returns.
: > :
: > : The thing is that an "affair" says more about the person having it
than
: > : their partner. Like
: > : it or not, we all have an inner self running around somewhere inside
our
: > : heads and that self has ego and
: > : that self has weaknesses and that self is less than what we would like
: to
: > : portray and admit even to ourselves.
: > : We often act to prove our lack of worth even as we claim to the world
: how
: > : fine we are.
: > : It is the intimacy between two people that reveals the warts. It is
: divine
: > : to forgive but
: > : stupid to allow someone to trample your feelings repeatedly.
: > :
: > :
: > :
: > :
: > :
: >
: >
:
:

[Sh3||]

A question to ponder...


"Tracey" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]

I know he understands how much he hurt me but when iasked him why he did it he said he did not know.

Been there. Got the same response. My question then to him was 'Well, if you don't know *why*, then how can I believe that you won't do it again? If you haven't figured out why you did it, then you can't figure out how to keep yourself from doing it again.' Tracey

Good point.

Shell

[Sh3||]

A question to ponder...


"Emma Anne" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:1g623kb.1cj78821hehpheN%[email protected]

Sh3|| <[email protected]> wrote:

If you found out your spouse had a affiar, and you ask them and they admitted it. Would you want to know the details if you were clueless of the affiar? Shell

I read somewhere that one of the most painful things about an affair is that the wife (say she was the betrayed spouse) has been shut out of the cheating relationship, and the OP has had a window into the privacy of the marriage. So this needs to be reversed. The OP needs to be shut out completely, and the wife needs a window into the cheating relationship. So yes, I think details need to be shared, to the extent the betrayed spouse needs them to be. Surviving an Affair is supposed to be really good book for this situation.

I read alot of books on the subject, we even went to a marriage councellor towards the end of his affair, things were not going well in councelling as he could not open up to the marriage councellor. (I guess some people have issues about this)

My marriage councellor suggested him writing a letter to me telling me the answers to my questions. So I thought long and hard about the questions and typed them out on the pc. The the computer crashed and I lost it all (yes (I'm stupid for not putting it on floppy) He started to write me back also. Now hes not bother to start another letter. I have asked him about it once. He still has not written. I dont want to harp to him.

Shell

[urf]

A question to ponder...

I tried it again Kimberlee.

"Kimberlee" <[email protected]~to~SENDMAILhotmail.com> wrote in message
news:[email protected]

Didn't get it. Could you try me again at @hotmail.com ~Kimberlee "urf" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected] : I think I sent you an email with my address. If you don't get it soon

post

: back here. I'm very flattered that you think I can be helpful. : : : "Kimberlee" <[email protected]~to~SENDMAILhotmail.com> wrote in message : news:[email protected] : > URF, : > You responded to a question one time by talking about a time when Estelle : > cared for you when you were recovering. : > May I email you privately? I have a couple of questions (looking for some : > wisdom). : > ~Kimberlee : > : > : > : > : > "urf" <[email protected]> wrote in message : > news:[email protected] : > : : > : "Sh3||" <[email protected]> wrote in message : > : news:[email protected] : > : If you found out your spouse had a affiar, and you ask them and they : > : admitted it. Would you want to know the details if you were

clueless

of : > the : > : affiar? : > : : > : Shell : > : : > : From conversations with knowledgeable parties I have learned that : usually : > : the cheating partner : > : wants to put it behind (a form of denial) while the other wants to pick : > over : > : the details : > : as one would eating a lobster. That is, they immerse themselves in

it,

: > then : > : endlessly pick over the : > : leavings but they will never be satisfied. It is a way for them to

be

: > : included in the act itself. : > : Obviously, the victimized partners feelings should be respected and the : > : cheating partner : > : should share whatever detail is demanded (though it may lead to further : > : dishonesty in descriptions) : > : but there is a point of diminishing returns. : > : : > : The thing is that an "affair" says more about the person having it than : > : their partner. Like : > : it or not, we all have an inner self running around somewhere inside our : > : heads and that self has ego and : > : that self has weaknesses and that self is less than what we would

like

: to : > : portray and admit even to ourselves. : > : We often act to prove our lack of worth even as we claim to the

world

: how : > : fine we are. : > : It is the intimacy between two people that reveals the warts. It is : divine : > : to forgive but : > : stupid to allow someone to trample your feelings repeatedly. : > : : > : : > : : > : : > : : > : > : :