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wanting to help abused friend

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  • wanting to help abused friend

    This is the first time I have posted on one of these things, but I am seriously concerned with a friends safety. She is 16 years old, and living at home with her parents in California. Her father is rather abusive with her. She sometimes calls me crying about it. I want to go to the authorities, but she has told me not to and put her trust into me. Her situation, though, is not completely cut and dry. First, her father hates her, and knows some things about her and her mother that could get them into trouble if she or I were to go to the authorities. She has an eating disorder and does not eat for days at a time. Also, she's a cutter, she cuts herself sometimes, and she does all of this without her mother noticing. I'm not sure if it is because her mother simply does not notice, or chooses not to notice. Her mother knows about her fathers abusive acts toward her, but feels that she can not do anything about it because he brings in most of the money and she is afraid that if she tells on him, she will lose her kids as well. My friend has three younger siblings, 11, 9, and 6. He is not abusive to the others, according to her, except the occassional verbal abuse to the 9 year old. What I want is for her to leave that house. I even suggested her coming to live with me in Illinios. She is afraid to go to the authorities mostly because her siblings still love their father very much since he still treats them well, and she is afraid that her mom will lose custody because of child neglect laws in California. Her siblings would be in foster care and she would hate herself for that. I would love to get some suggestions on my post and will try to reply back if you would like more details on her case. It confuses me greatly .

  • #2
    get her out now

    I really feel for your friend. Is he sexually abusing her??? any abuse is not ok. You need to tell her when school starts back up she should really go talk to her school conciler. Your friend really needs help before she ends up killing her self from cutting or her eating disorder. I know she loves her siblings but the abuse might end up happening to them. good luck e-mail me and let me know what is happening [email protected]


    • #3
      No she is not getting sexually abused, physical and mental abuse only. Not that I actually mean only. Because, in fact, any abuse is no good. I was hoping to get legal advice about this. She wants to get rid of him, but at the same time she wants her siblings to still have a father. Also, she is afraid that if she puts him away, that he would be able to tell the authorities enough information to put her mother up on neglect charges, which would end up putting her and her siblings in foster care. Then they would end up not having a mother or a father. Her mother wants to divorce him, but is afraid of the neglect charges that could be brought up against her, and he brings in most of the money to the house. Also, other than to my friend, he is overall a very good dad. I'm looking for some kind of loop hole in California law that her mom could use in order for him to pay child support and insurance, and for her not to worry if he starts spouting out neglect accusations, cause I can almost guarantee he will. Also, she tells me that in California, if the child refuses to see his/her parent, the parent does not have to pay child support for that particular child. Is this true? He is one of the highest paid persons in his field of work in their particular part of California, but she is afraid that if she refuses to visit him, and this law is true, that her mom will not be able to make ends meet. more help would be great!


      • #4
        I would have to say reporting it is her best option when a child is singled out like that when she leaves the father is likely to single out another child


        • #5
          Not a rocket scientist, but...

          If the other children are being neglected or abused by the mother, neither parent needs ANY of the children. However, if the mother wants help for her daughter, herself and the other children, she should contact the Department of Children and Family Services in CA. There are some very strict laws intended on protecting the children and non-abusive parent. Also, suggest to your friend that she anonymously contact the California Coalition Against Domestic Violence. CA has several agencies that are bound by confidentiality and will not violate her privacy. Best of luck to your friend and let me know if i can be of any further assistance.


          • #6
            Thanks for thbe suggestions. Her mother is really a very good mom. Her father just hates them. Why they are married, I do not know. He's the type of guy that thinks that if hes going down he'll drag some other people down with him. Which is what he would do to her mother. In greater detail, what he has on her is not really strong, but may hold up in a court room. Things such as her mother not noticing that she cuts herself, that she has an eating disorder, and allowing her to drink, while shes underage are things that he has on her mother. Her mother is trying to leave him, but he's not dumb, and he can afford a better lawyer than her mom can. I'm trying to solve her case in the perfect way if I can! Please someone Help Me!


            • #7
              if she reports it she can allways defend her mother. there have been cases where just a father is forced to live away from the family even if they are married and wish to remain married she could striaght out say the father is lying about her mother and protect her mother if he trys to take her down with him. She can say that yes my mother knew about the cutting and eating disorder( if brought up) and she has been doing her best to help me cope and i have been getting better about them talking with my mother It's only my father that is the problem and how is he gonna proove that the mother gave her alc. doubt thats gonna happen tell her to go talk to someone and make it clear that it is her father that is the problem and not mom and that she just feels mom either loves him too much to leave or that maybe she is afraid of what he is capable of if she leaves


              • #8
                Try CASA

                A CASA is a Court Appointed Special Advocate whose only interest is looking out for the welfare of the child(ren) involved. Perhaps your friend could look up the CA chapter of CASA and get some help there for herself, her mother and her siblings. In addition, i strongly recommend your friend contacting Juvenille Services in the county in which she resides. They as well have resources to aide teenage kids who are living in difficult situations. If your friend has access online, there are a number of resources available for support groups for teens who are living in a violent home. I am the program director for a victims assistance program in TN. It is our policy that if we are contacted by a teen, everything remains confidential. We do everything that we can to help the teen get out of the situation, safely. That means, we pool our resources to work together until the teen is safely away from the abusive parent. Suggest to your friend to contact her local victims assistance program for help. She won't be turned down. My best to her and if you need to talk one on one you may email me and i will give you more information. My email addy is [email protected].
                May God Bless.


                • #9
                  Thank you all for your suggestions. My friend believes that her siblings will defend their father. That will end up costing her mother greatly. She says that he will tell them to tell the judge that she hit him first. That he was only defending himself. You've all made great suggestions, but I'm still waiting for the perfect one. Thank you everyone. Mor would be great.


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