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mother needing advice

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  • mother needing advice

    I'm a 24 year old mother of 4 from Ohio.I've been with my boyfriend (their dad) for 7 years (since we both were 17). Since we have been together I have been punched, kicked, slapped, choked,and spit on, even in front of my kids (who of course were crying hysterically). Not to mention I have been called every name possible, most of which are to obscene to list. The name calling happens on a daily basis, with the physical happening at least weekly if not more. He throws these tantrums where he starts breaking things and throwing things (like our toaster, or our coffee table) and punches holes in the walls, little fits like he's 3. But yet i feel like when he tells me that I caused everything to happen, I really did. I feel like it really was my fault. I feel like maybe if I wouldn't have asked him for that $5, or if I would have taken out the garbage maybe it wouldn't have happen. But than there's the times where I sit and try to figure out what I did to start it and I can't seem to think of one thing. And then there's the few and seldom times that we get along and act like everything is ok, that's what has kept me here this long. I feel like I should get out for both me and my kids, but I keep feeling like maybe someday he'll change. I feel like I owe it to my kids to try to stay with him, so they have their dad in their life everyday. Plus, not that it really matters, but I feel like he is right when he says nobody will ever want me besides him or my kids. Am I wrong? What should I do? I really need some advice. I feel like an idiot, but I need other opinions..

  • #2
    If this is an accurate portrayal of your situation (and I'm sure you’re being honest, but I just have to add that) then you need to GET OUT AND GET OUT NOW. Don't think you’re doing your kids any favors by staying there. I speak from personal experience, because I used to be that kid. I used to pray every single night that we'd leave. That used to be my every Christmas and birthday wish. And let me tell you, although I personally was never touched during these outburst, it definitely had an effect on the person I became and on my future relationships with men. For years, I couldn't trust a man. If a man so much as looked like he might be the tiniest bit upset--nothing more than a facial expression indicating frustration--I ran for the hills. Two of my sisters, on the other hand, ended up married to abusive men, in my opinion because they came to believe that type of behavior was acceptable. And for years, even after becoming an adult, I was royally pissed at my Mom because she'd stayed instead of trying to get out (and I heard every excuse there was, including all the ones that you listed). The probability that he'll ever change is about ten-hundred-million-billon to one. If anything, men like this only get worse over time. I sincerely doubt that his claim that "nobody will ever want you besides me" is accurate, but even if it's true (maybe you have three eyes/fifteen fingers/etc)--so what? A man is not necessary for survival. Get some training if you need it, get a job, file for child support, get help from the government if necessary. It may not be easy, but nothing in life is. Call a shelter, the people there can give you guidance on what steps to take. And get a restraining order!
    Last edited by pty; 08-04-2005, 10:59 PM.


    • #3
      Get Help for you and Kids

      I recently got out of an abusive relationship. Its been 9 months since then I am now FREE.
      He has a new girlfriend.......he will concentrate his energy on her now.
      Although he does try to use a 4 1/2 yr old daughter to control me. I use the system as much as I can to help me and have PFA protection order against him. I too was living in Ohio when most of this abuse happened.

      I will tell you that what I left the relationship with as far as the abuse was a great deal more then the first time he threw me across the room.It does get worse.
      Do you have family and friends you can stay with?
      Have you thought of a protection order for you or one for you and your kids.?

      My daughter has seen the abuse and she knows what Daddy did and recalls it. Low self esteem was an issue with her as it is with children of domestic violence.As well as acting wout with her toys what happened and afraid of monsters. She is seeing councelor.

      I would urge you to get a support system together , friends, family tell someone anyone what is happening to you. Once you tell one perosn it gets easier to talk to people about what is happening. Once you have a support system...its easier to see the light and get out and get FREE.
      Please feel free to email me
      [email protected]

      Natalie FREE at Last!


      • #4
        All of the above is correct have to go now! It will not get any better. These people are right, the children are only suffering from this. I bet if you asked them if they wanted to stay or go they would want to go. No child wants to see their parent being beaten by the other nor do they deserve to be witness to such chaos. My daughter was only 1 1/2 when my ex and I split but at 3 she was pointing to the wall talking about the time daddy put a hole in it. She was frightened of her father when we were together. Now she is 9 (she will be 10 in a month) and she is closer to dad than she is me. Her father and I just could not live together. Trust me when I say that your children will support you. They probably want out just as bad as you do. Don't believe those awful words that he says to you. That is his way of bringing you down so that you will think that you would not be able to make it anywhere but with him. That is just an extension of his abuse. My situation was not as bad as yours but very well could have been. I chose early on that I was not going to stick around for that. You have to stand up and say..."I AM SOMEBODY AND I AM WORTH IT!!". There are plenty of places that can help if you do not have family and friends that can help you. Start with making a plan. Then get you and your children a bag together with everything that you absolutely will need. Just your necessities. When he leaves to go to work or whatever, you grab the children and their bags and go!! Walk out that door and don't look back. Sort out the legalities later. Good luck and if you need to talk, feel free to email me.

        [email protected]


        • #5
          Help is a phone call away.

          Mother of 4, You may not know it, but, you have already taken the first step. You are asking for help. Ohio has very strict laws regarding domestic violence, not to mention, childrens' service agencies can help protect you and your children from your husband. You have a duty to your children to end the cycle of violence. Remember, children live what they learn. Your husbands abusive behavior toward you is not intended as "love licks", they are hurtful and destructive. I know you are afraid to leave because of the children, finances, etc., but aren't you more afraid to stay? Think about that question. If you are ready to get out, let me know, we WILL help you. I am an active member of the National Coalition of Domestic and Sexual Violence and a 16 year survivor. If you stay, eventually, HE WILL KILL YOU. It is not about love at this point, it is about power and control over your life. Please contact me, i will help you get in the right direction to get away from him. In the meantime, i will pray that you and your children sleep safely tonight and out of harms way. May God Bless.


          • #6

            I will guarantee you this... When you leave him, and you may very well have your doubts at the time... You will look back on that day 6 months from now and be appaulled and embarassed that you took it that long! You will be a new woman, with new hope and the only thing that ever keeps me going is knowing that my life will be great soon and I will look back on these days and say "What the hell was I thinking"? The universe will help you as it sees you truly helping yourself.


            • #7
              Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

              You need help NOW. It is not about if anyone else ever wants you, but you have kids you need to be alive for and raise, and to make sure you can live the life you are blessed with free from the threat of violence. They should be able to help you get some counseling, and possibly into a shelter so you can leave the situation and start a new life somewhere else.


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