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New Stepmom Needs advice stepdaughter very attached

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  • #16
    I disagree

    I'm a mother and I have also been a step mother. I have to disagee with one thing.

    "When she is at your house - you ARE the mom, you should NOT have to call her mother to make any decisions. You can step in and be the mother because that is your role when she is at your house (and you aren't stepping on the bio-mom's toes because it isn't her time to have the child). That's what's hard is when you play that part, then she goes home and you aren't the mom anymore so to speak. It is very hard to walk that fine line."

    That's WRONG in so many ways. A STEPMOM has no business making any decisions concerning the child. That should always be left to one or both of the PARENTS to do, unless there is an emergency.



    Well I disagree with you there...It is my house and my husband and I make the rules........If my step-daughter gets her agenda signeda at school for behavior reasons I am NOT going to call her mom and ask what kind of punishment I should enforce at MY house..>That is absurd....you must not have a step-child that resides at your house 50% of the month.....I consult her mother and most major decisions regarding school and other stuff but I will not have another woman...My husband's ex doesn't call him and consult with him about what rules to enforce at her house
    what we do works for us........thanks for your opinion though

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    • #17
      Originally posted by stepmominTX
      Well I disagree with you there...It is my house and my husband and I make the rules........If my step-daughter gets her agenda signeda at school for behavior reasons I am NOT going to call her mom and ask what kind of punishment I should enforce at MY house..>That is absurd....you must not have a step-child that resides at your house 50% of the month.....I consult her mother and most major decisions regarding school and other stuff but I will not have another woman...My husband's ex doesn't call him and consult with him about what rules to enforce at her house
      what we do works for us........thanks for your opinion though
      I'm not saying the PARENTS need to consult each other when there is an issue with the child. What I said was that STEP PARENTS need to let the PARENTS do the PARENTING. Yes, it's your house and you have every right to set general rules for your house that would apply to ANY CHILD (your own, a step child, a child's friend, a niece or nephew). But when it comes to PUNISHMENT, that should always be left to the parents. Not only for obvious reasons, but a step parent disciplining a child, even when it's the SAME punishment the parent would give, can be, legally, considered abuse. All it takes is one parent, getting pissed off one time, and making a call to CPS, to really screw up a persons life.

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      • #18
        Well, I guess it is different strokes for different folks...My step-daughter's mom is totally fine with any punishment that is enforced in our house( and who dished out that punishment)..I guess maybe because it is not corporal punishment.....About the most enforced rule is no TV for misbehavior at school......We have two really great kids!
        My husband and I talk about any and all punishment for our children before it is dished out,,, I generally ask him to do the handing out of punishment for his daughter and either one of us do it for our son....I do this because I want my step-daughter to see that her father is the "main" parent at this house.
        Like I said before...My step-daughter has one mom and one dad and one step-mom..she knows who is who and what role everyone plays...She always know that I love her very much. Like it or not, she will be the one (in front of her mom ) to tell people that she has TWO mom's and how blessed she is ...She says that she has one mom who gave birth to her and one mom that God gave her....No matter what your opinion is or what role you play in a child's life..That is a powerful statement to hear a 10 year old say....I live up to that statment each and every day by providing a loving and safe environment for her and my son. I really don't care who dishes out the punishment or if you think I should or not....I know what has worked for us for 6 years..we have never been to court or threatned each other with it or had a disagreement that we couldn't work out... My step-daughter knows a life of two homes,each with parents that love her very much,parents that are mature enough to know their roles in that young life and how to handle themselves accordingly...She didn't ask for her parents to be divorced and it is up to them not to screw up a life because they couldn't make their marriage work..It is up to me, as a step-mom, to only add to her life not interfer in it....

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        • #19
          Originally posted by stepmominTX
          Well, I guess it is different strokes for different folks...My step-daughter's mom is totally fine with any punishment that is enforced in our house( and who dished out that punishment)..I guess maybe because it is not corporal punishment.....About the most enforced rule is no TV for misbehavior at school......We have two really great kids!
          My husband and I talk about any and all punishment for our children before it is dished out,,, I generally ask him to do the handing out of punishment for his daughter and either one of us do it for our son....I do this because I want my step-daughter to see that her father is the "main" parent at this house.
          Like I said before...My step-daughter has one mom and one dad and one step-mom..she knows who is who and what role everyone plays...She always know that I love her very much. Like it or not, she will be the one (in front of her mom ) to tell people that she has TWO mom's and how blessed she is ...She says that she has one mom who gave birth to her and one mom that God gave her....No matter what your opinion is or what role you play in a child's life..That is a powerful statement to hear a 10 year old say....I live up to that statment each and every day by providing a loving and safe environment for her and my son. I really don't care who dishes out the punishment or if you think I should or not....I know what has worked for us for 6 years..we have never been to court or threatned each other with it or had a disagreement that we couldn't work out... My step-daughter knows a life of two homes,each with parents that love her very much,parents that are mature enough to know their roles in that young life and how to handle themselves accordingly...She didn't ask for her parents to be divorced and it is up to them not to screw up a life because they couldn't make their marriage work..It is up to me, as a step-mom, to only add to her life not interfer in it....
          It sounds like your situation works great for everyone. And your doing the right thing letting dad be the main parent at your house. It's completely different if your ENFORCING the rules and the punishments that have been set at your house, then it is if the rules and the punishment actually came from YOU. That's

          I still have a great relationship with my former step daughter and her mom and I've haven't been with her dad in 7 YEARS. She still comes over and spends weekends with her brother & sister and we go to all of the big, and many of the small, events in her life. I see her more then her dad does. She'll call just to talk. Now that she's a teenager, she'll call about things she doesn't want to go to mom about. But her mom knows that if it's anything at all that she needs to know, either I will tell her myself or I will make sure that her daughter tells her. When my daughter gets to be a teenager, she'll have an older sister to talk to about things. One that know what kind of things I should know and what things can be kept between sisters.

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          • #20
            Here we go again......

            I knew this would happen...
            Last week the mother said that she didn't want to be the bad guy and now she still will not let her daughter come over. She is soooo using her daughter as an excuse to string along my husband.

            We tried moving to California two years ago and she called everyday. His daughter didn't even get on the phone. He even told me that even though they were divorced for 4 years, before she had her second child with her then boyfreind/now husband, she asked my husband (I didn't know him then) that she wanted a second child with him so the children didn't have different fathers. Of course he said, HELL NO!

            She didn't start acting up until my husband told her to limit her phone calls to just talking about their daughter. He didn't care what was going on with her life.

            I'm sorry but as soon as she heard that my husband and I got married in Las Vegas she packed her bags and got married in Las Vegas too. Of course she didn't decide to marry (even though she already had the second child with her boyfreind) until my husband remarried. And she was with her boyfreind/husband a bit longer than my husband and me.

            I am so sick of her and her childish games. Many people are going through the same thing. No wonder everyone feels bad for me when they know I married someone with a child from a previous marriage.

            My husband needs to modify his divorce agreement to mention that he gives me permission to do things for his daughter. All we need is to spend time with the daughter with out mother aways in our face. She cries that I'm taking her daughter away from her but she turns around and denies my husband.

            She would **** in her pants when my husband decides the hell with her and just take the money.!! But we both love the child too much to do that. Not to mention his child loves us too much to remain silent about all this.

            The mother can grow up on her own time. WE ARE NOT GOING TO PLAY HER GAME.

            Comment


            • #21
              Response in regards of Step Mom

              Cpang,
              Know exactly how you feel. Trust me, I've been in the similar situation. We met while my step daughter was two. She's almost 6 now. And his ex-wife tried so many "evil things" from Reporting to school that I hit on my stepdaughter, to Child Protective Service because she felt that I abuse her daughter, and lots more. Very immature, silly and selfish. My one advise for you, to be STRONG, bold, and be Confident that Your husband is marrying YOU and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, not his ex wife. The most important thing is You're trying to be a step-parent who cares, guides, and loves your step daughter. On the other hand, in regards to the phone call your husband needs to be assertive, and let his ex know that they only need to communicate about things that are related to their daughter.
              I think a lot of mothers should be thankful/happy/grateful that their children are safe /loved/ being taken care in the loving environment instead of being insecure and felt that someone is going to take their place. As a step mother, I know my line, respect the mother. However, if the mother is very immature/inconsiderate/selfish, then as a step mother, you just do what your "heart" tells you what to do.
              Every child needs and deserves a Loving, and caring environment no matter what! They need to experience a good childhood no matter what situation caused their moms/dads separated. Our goals as step parents are to be there for our children, support, guide and love them unconditionally. Then, everything will be okay like it's supposed to be. Good luck for all the step parents. You're all wonderful. We've taken a very strong and challenging path to be with someone who already have a child/children. It's not as easy, but it's a very rewarding journey to watch them grow older, and to learn that All children will love their PARENTs unconditionally no matter what whether he/she is their blood or step parents. The key is to just love, guide, protect your step children unconditionally, and The Universe will bless, heal everybody with Its LOVE. And Hopefully everyone will grow, and learn from his/her own lesson.

              Comment

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