I'm not getting it... help! Illinois

[MomofBoys]

OK, I have asked a lot about right of first refusal, and I guess my pretty little brain just can't grasp what I am assuimg is probably a simple concept, so PLEASE HELP!

Hypothetical example:

Say we have ROFR in our agreement, and it says that the other parent must be notified if I cannot be with the child for 6 hours.

Does this now mean that my son can no longer go on little overnight trips to see my MIL? She's not his biological grandmother, but she has certainly taken on the roll of grandmother. Once a month or so, she'll take him for an overnight. She'll take him to the movies, do crafts with him, bake cookies, all that grandmotherly stuff I hope to do one day so my boys and their wives can get a little alone time. Would I have to stop that, or would it be allowed since it is status quo? Would that have to be written specifically in the order that he is allowed one night per month during my time to stay with his "step-grandmother?"

Also, if I wanted it writted that HE cannot have non-related overnight guests, does that mean if friends come to visit ME, then they have to stay at a hotel? Or if, for example, I were to go to my parent's lake house. My brother is there with his girlfriend, and we're all staying overnight. Am I breaking the arrangement?

We are nowhere near an agreement. I am just trying to clarify my understanding of these things.

[xpq559]

Mom,

You are way over thinking things. This is not going to be a joint custody situation. You are going to have sole legal custody, and he will have visitations. In this case, you can put restrictions on his visitations that have nothing to do with the time your son spends with you. Of course, a judge has to approve those restrictions, so make sure you have good reason for them. Not allowing non-related overnight guest during his visitation is not an unusual restriction.

Also, the right of first refusal does not effect the situation you describe. If your son is going over for a visit, you do not need to offer that time to the other parent, but if you and your husband were planning a trip and needed someone to watch your son in order to take that trip, then you would be required to offer that time to the other parent.

And finally, in the case of the lake house, in my book, this is a classic case of don’t ask, don’t tell. I do not see that this would be a violation of anything. I assume your brother and his girlfriend stay in a room other than where you stay, so I guess you could argue it is just like a hotel. But why even bring that up. If the family is comfortable enough with the girlfriend to go on vacation with her, I really don’t see why this even needs to be mentioned. Of course you could just tell your brother to get married. Then the problem is solved.

[mommyof4]

Well, actually, since the order would state no unrelated guests of the opposite sex may stay over night while you have your son, you wouldn't even have a problem with that, would you?

After all, the oppopite sex member of this equation is YOUR BROTHER! The unrealted member of the eqation is another woman...same sex.

Now, relax....

Biiiiigggg breath.....hold (1..2..3..)...and....release....

Feel better?

[xpq559]

Actually, I believe momofboys also wanted to keep the pot smoking buddies away from her son. In that case they would not include a statement of the opposite sex. But again, it really does not apply here. The no overnight guest clause would be a condition of visitation. She would not have to follow the same rules. If at a later date he wanted to change that clause, he could hire yet another attorney and take the matter up again.

The brother can keep the girlfriend.

[MomofBoys]

Actually, I believe momofboys also wanted to keep the pot smoking buddies away from her son. In that case they would not include a statement of the opposite sex. But again, it really does not apply here. The no overnight guest clause would be a condition of visitation. She would not have to follow the same rules. If at a later date he wanted to change that clause, he could hire yet another attorney and take the matter up again.

The brother can keep the girlfriend.

That is exactly right, xpq. At this point, I don't want the boy around ANY of "P's" friends for overnights, male or female.

I apparently am having a hard time separating his visitation order from a custody order. They are two different things, correct? So his visitation order (and we are fast forwarding into the future when he has regular visitation, here) could say no overnights with non-related people, and that wouldn't apply to me? Would that only apply if we have JOINT custody?

*raises eyebrow*

GAH! I just need to stop all this worrying! It will bring me wrinkles! And seeing as I turn 34 TODAY (selfish promotion - attention hoor here), then I should avoid anything that gives me wrinkles!

[mommyof4]

That is exactly right, xpq. At this point, I don't want the boy around ANY of "P's" friends for overnights, male or female.

I apparently am having a hard time separating his visitation order from a custody order. They are two different things, correct? So his visitation order (and we are fast forwarding into the future when he has regular visitation, here) could say no overnights with non-related people, and that wouldn't apply to me? Would that only apply if we have JOINT custody?

*raises eyebrow*

GAH! I just need to stop all this worrying! It will bring me wrinkles! And seeing as I turn 34 TODAY (selfish promotion - attention hoor here), then I should avoid anything that gives me wrinkles!

Happy Birthday to you.
Happy Birthday to you.
Happy BIRTHDAY dear attention hoor ...

Happy birthday to yooooouuuuuu!

Seriously, happy birthday and stop worrying. The loser can't even find the courthouse.

[MomofBoys]

Birthday Confession....

I'm still in my PJs.

It's almost 2pm.

[mommyof4]

Birthday Confession....

I'm still in my PJs.

It's almost 2pm.

Yeah well...

It's NOT my birthday and I am still in my PJs. I'm just celebrating your birthday in the style you have set forth.

[ShakinThingzUp]

I'm jealous........ wishing I WAS in my pjs still...

btw HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

[xpq559]

Happy Belated Birthday.

If it helps you to understand the difference, just look at what is now happening to Britney Spears. Before her latest outburst, her visitation order required that she have a court appointed moderator with her when ever she was with the kids. Certainly K-Fed, the surprisingly better parent here does not need to follow those same rules.

Your case would be similar. If a judge thinks they are acceptable restriction, you can request that “dad” not have overnight guest when he has your son with him. If he agrees to the restriction, you don’t even have to ok it with the judge. You just put it in the order. Once the order is in place, the only way for him to change it is to go back to court and have that restriction removed.