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Will this violent man get visitation?

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  • #16
    Why is it you are only reading lines that you wish to argue with when we as DV veterans are giving you the tools you need to have him arrested?

    Have your parents, the owner of the home you are living in, send him a certified letter stating he is not allowed to step foot on their property or be charged with criminal tresspassing. Keep the proof that he received the letter. When he comes by, have him arrested for criminal tresspass.

    Do not allow him near you. Call the police every time he is abusive. The police are PROBABLY giving you a hard time because you ALLOWED him into your home. They will do that because they are brought into man/woman arguments every day in which the woman does start it... DO NOT allow him in and then you will have no problem having him hauled away for threatening behavior.

    If you can't bring yourself to do it, have your father read this post and let him take care of it. Have your parents read the resource links I posted above then.

    Comment


    • #17
      It just sounds to me like I'm being attacked and told I am the reason why I'm being abused. And why does everyone keep telling me I'm endangering my child when I am protecting her. If I'm no longer allowing him in my home or around my daughter, there is nothing to call the police about NOW. So all I have is my testimony that this has happened in the past. I can't call the police and tell them I was assaulted 3 months age, isn't it a little to late for that? I think it is bizarre to imply that I'm "playing" the DV card as if I don't have the right to voice that he is what he is. Yeah, I got pregnant to him, and you all laid down with your abusers too. So, did that make them any less evil? Because that's what I think an abuser is. And I also think it is bizarre to imply that the police are always there to protect you. If you think there is no such thing as corrupt authority, I feel sorry for you. And the state police is who told me they will not arrest him. A friend of mine called after her abuser attacked her and shredded her pants she had on with a knife and when the state police arrived 2 HOURS LATER, they said they had to talk with him first to be sure she didn't start it. As if he was going to admit he was wrong! This is why we don't call here, they will say exactly what you all are, and there is nothing we can do without the law on our sides. I am an excellent mother, and would die for my child before I would ever let anything happen to her, so you don't have to stress that i am endangering my child, when it is her father who is. If the court is going to attack me like this, and I have no proof to present them with, then it sounds like I am screwed. The Opposing side will definately have a lot to go on without me having any record of the abuse, so I guess what you are saying is that there is nothing I can do.
      Maybe you are not hostile, I guess it was you who endangered your child by staying with your abuser too. So maybe you just don't want me to make the same mistake you did.

      Comment


      • #18
        From this comment: "Recently he has become aggressive toward my father and mother, threatening them, basically terrorizing them in their own home, and yes, all of this radical behavior in front of my child" you would have to believe that you are still allowing him in your parents' home.

        Going forward, go through with the steps I noted, have him arrested anytime he comes to the property. Do not answer any of his phone calls, let them go to voice mail. Cut off ALL contact between you and he. Let him file for visitation. He will first need to prove paternity and then you will be able to show your proof that he shouldn't have unsupervised visitation.

        And if you feel that my posts are attacking - btw I did catch that yours attacked me - then you are really out for an argument and I won't be a party to it.

        Comment


        • #19
          Originally posted by 2macos1 View Post
          It just sounds to me like I'm being attacked and told I am the reason why I'm being abused. And why does everyone keep telling me I'm endangering my child when I am protecting her. If I'm no longer allowing him in my home or around my daughter, there is nothing to call the police about NOW. So all I have is my testimony that this has happened in the past. I can't call the police and tell them I was assaulted 3 months age, isn't it a little to late for that? I think it is bizarre to imply that I'm "playing" the DV card as if I don't have the right to voice that he is what he is. Yeah, I got pregnant to him, and you all laid down with your abusers too. So, did that make them any less evil? Because that's what I think an abuser is. And I also think it is bizarre to imply that the police are always there to protect you. If you think there is no such thing as corrupt authority, I feel sorry for you. And the state police is who told me they will not arrest him. A friend of mine called after her abuser attacked her and shredded her pants she had on with a knife and when the state police arrived 2 HOURS LATER, they said they had to talk with him first to be sure she didn't start it. As if he was going to admit he was wrong! This is why we don't call here, they will say exactly what you all are, and there is nothing we can do without the law on our sides. I am an excellent mother, and would die for my child before I would ever let anything happen to her, so you don't have to stress that i am endangering my child, when it is her father who is. If the court is going to attack me like this, and I have no proof to present them with, then it sounds like I am screwed. The Opposing side will definately have a lot to go on without me having any record of the abuse, so I guess what you are saying is that there is nothing I can do.
          Maybe you are not hostile, I guess it was you who endangered your child by staying with your abuser too. So maybe you just don't want me to make the same mistake you did.
          Many of us here have BTDT. We have had to learn how to LEGALLY protect both ourselves and our children. By your own posting (cause that is what I'm responding to) you were attacked several times with your child in your arms...By having ANY contact with him you are endangering your child. That is how the courts will view your allegations. This is what YOU wrote:

          He assaulted me while I was pregnant, and after I had the baby, while she was in my arms and another time while I was breastfeeding her

          You have to understand that parents have a Constitutional Right to their children. If takes quite a lot for the courts to interfere with a parents rights. That is what we are trying to help you understand so that you can take proactive steps in protecting your child.

          And if you plan on going to court you will have to be a little more resilient than you have been here...For the benefit of your case. If you were to behave in court the way you have on this forum you will loose.
          Please Note: My "warm and fuzzy" font is not working, therefor my posts will be direct and to the point.

          Thank you in advance for your anticipated understanding.

          Bay

          Comment


          • #20
            Once again, instead of reading to what I had to say, you picked out the parts where you thought you are being accused instead of learning anything.

            Did you even read the part of my post that told you how to get PROOF of what he has been doing. Do you really think that a police officer or court could ignore the voice and/or image of your abuser and wonder what really happened should you need to call them?


            Throughout these statements, the only inference that can be concluded, as you phrased them in the present tense (particularly the bolded words), is that this situation is currently going on.

            Throughout this 8 years he has been severely violent and extremely mentally and physically abusive to me.

            Recently he has become aggressive toward my father and mother, threatening them, basically terrorizing them in their own home, and yes, all of this radical behavior in front of my child.

            I have never had him arrested



            And due to these sentences, one could only conclude that this is your current situation as well. The difference being is that these, combined with your statement that never had him arrested, show that you have indeed placed your child in danger by allowing him to continue contact with your child.:

            I have allowed him to come to the home I share with my parents daily to see our daughter.

            And he insists on coming to see her very intoxicated at 3 or 4 am to wake her because "he has a right to see his daughter".

            He even admitted to me that he used to sit with the child he had to his wife while she was at work, and leave him in a high chair ALL DAY while he got drunk and passed out!!!

            He assaulted me while I was pregnant, and after I had the baby, while she was in my arms and another time while I was breastfeeding her.



            Its too bad (for your child especially) that you would rather whine than really do anything to plan for your case. I think Demartian is right. You're just looking for conflict. Probably what you thrive on. Good luck.
            Don't listen to a word I say because ya know I've gotta be crazy to be a Brown's fan.

            Comment


            • #21
              Well...I know that some on this site consider me the forum b*tch..or as one sweet guy call me the "big mouth"... ...But in defense of the OP, she strikes me as afraid. I think she is being argumentative with us because it's safe to do so. She would like a "magical" solution that does not involve a confrontation with her ex...unfortunately she has to stand up for herself in order to resolve this problem. She is still very frightened of him, but does know that what the right thing to do is...she is just to scared to do it...hence the defensive attitude. It's hard to admit you are too scared to protect your child properly.

              OP...I do understand your feelings...I really do. But you must find the inner strength to end this circle of violence now...Before it's to late. Contact the resources that were link on this thread and get help...You don't have to live this way. There is happiness for you in life if you can find the courage to fight for it!!
              Please Note: My "warm and fuzzy" font is not working, therefor my posts will be direct and to the point.

              Thank you in advance for your anticipated understanding.

              Bay

              Comment


              • #22
                OSM, I believe because of your personal issue with having your ex's child, you have generalized me as if I am the same person you have dealt with. I think it is awful for you to suggest that I am a bad mother. Or that I am whining. If the goal here was to help me, than why would you just not state, "This is what the court will say. . ." instead of giving me your personal opinion brought about by your emotions. I'm trying to understand that is the situation here, but implying that my child needs to be felt sorry for because I am her mother does not sound like help to me.
                I was looking for help not a conflict, but do you really not expect a conflict when you imply to someone they are not wanting to keeping their child safe? I wouldn't even have posted if I was not trying to make a plan. So I think it's clear that my baby girl is my main concern. That is why I want so badly for him to not get visitations.
                I agree that if I continue to let him come around it is not safe for my child. You are saying call the police. I've spoke to DV in my area and they agreed too much time has gone past for anything to be done about even these most "recent" actions. If me threatening to call the police at this point does keep him away, what can I do to help my baby? I know now what I SHOULD HAVE DONE. But I felt that no matter what HE did, I would be sure she didn't get hurt, even if he had to kill me in order for me to make sure of it. Now I know it is hurting her, that's why I'm trying to do this. There is no need to feel sorry for my child, I in no way put this man or myself before her.
                His threats of what he will say when he goes to court; how I was promiscuous as a young teen, the fact that I live with my parents and don't work;how he owns businesses, his own home, and rental properties, how he knows all the right people in all the right places. And his promise to make up lies about whatever he can think of as the most heinous things and have friends and family testify to it These are the things that frighten me so much. I know they are his manipulations, but what if he just happens to have a judge that believes him, or knows him? And I loose her to him. Frightened is not a strong enough word to describe the thought of loosing your child. I have thought about calling CPS the times that he was this way around her, but just as you have said, it wouldn't be him, the father, who is at fault, it would be me.
                By the way, he signed an acknowledgement of paternity form which gives him parental rights,(yeah once again, stupid me)because I believed AGAIN, he had changed. So it's not whining, we live in a very small town and he has what it takes to get what he wants, it's fear.
                Last edited by 2macos1; 12-19-2007, 09:30 PM. Reason: adding

                Comment


                • #23
                  Originally posted by 2macos1 View Post
                  OSM, I believe because of your personal issue with having your ex's child, you have generalized me as if I am the same person you have dealt with. I think it is awful for you to suggest that I am a bad mother. Or that I am whining. If the goal here was to help me, than why would you just not state, "This is what the court will say. . ." instead of giving me your personal opinion brought about by your emotions. I'm trying to understand that is the situation here, but implying that my child needs to be felt sorry for because I am her mother does not sound like help to me.
                  I was looking for help not a conflict, but do you really not expect a conflict when you imply to someone they are not wanting to keeping their child safe? I wouldn't even have posted if I was not trying to make a plan. So I think it's clear that my baby girl is my main concern. That is why I want so badly for him to not get visitations.
                  I agree that if I continue to let him come around it is not safe for my child. You are saying call the police. I've spoke to DV in my area and they agreed too much time has gone past for anything to be done about even these most "recent" actions. If me threatening to call the police at this point does keep him away, what can I do to help my baby? I know now what I SHOULD HAVE DONE. But I felt that no matter what HE did, I would be sure she didn't get hurt, even if he had to kill me in order for me to make sure of it. Now I know it is hurting her, that's why I'm trying to do this. There is no need to feel sorry for my child, I in no way put this man or myself before her.
                  His threats of what he will say when he goes to court; how I was promiscuous as a young teen, the fact that I live with my parents and don't work;how he owns businesses, his own home, and rental properties, how he knows all the right people in all the right places. And his promise to make up lies about whatever he can think of as the most heinous things and have friends and family testify to it These are the things that frighten me so much. I know they are his manipulations, but what if he just happens to have a judge that believes him, or knows him? And I loose her to him. Frightened is not a strong enough word to describe the thought of loosing your child. I have thought about calling CPS the times that he was this way around her, but just as you have said, it wouldn't be him, the father, who is at fault, it would be me.
                  By the way, he signed an acknowledgement of paternity form which gives him parental rights,(yeah once again, stupid me)because I believed AGAIN, he had changed. So it's not whining, we live in a very small town and he has what it takes to get what he wants, it's fear.

                  Signing the AOP does NOT give him rights..He has to go to court to obtain any custody or visitation rights. Without a court order you have ZERO obligation to allow him near the child.

                  Once again you are attacking the people here that are trying to help you...Perhaps you should seek assistance from legal council in your area. Please make sure you have an attorney to represent you in court...you are not able to do this pro se....
                  Please Note: My "warm and fuzzy" font is not working, therefor my posts will be direct and to the point.

                  Thank you in advance for your anticipated understanding.

                  Bay

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    I guess once you get out of an abusive relationship you get to be better than those who haven't yet. GOOD-BYE.
                    And don't waste your time replying, I won't be coming back to this lion's den.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      In the past 3 business days have you:

                      researched whether or not this person has a police record where he lives/has lived?

                      researched whether or not this person has an arrest/conviction record?

                      spoken or interviewed with any attorneys to handle your case?

                      researched your state laws regarding custody?

                      gathered any witness statements regarding his behavior?

                      arranged to have access to and a plan of how you would use an audio and/or visual recording device to gather evidence against him should he show up?



                      In this statement you finally seem to be getting it (though the rest of your post is still??????) I have thought about calling CPS the times that he was this way around her, but just as you have said, it wouldn't be him, the father, who is at fault, it would be me.


                      What I am saying to you is that unless you begin to be proactive about planning your case, you will lose. If you, prior to any court ordered visitation agreement is signed by a judge (after you present all the evidence I HOPE you are able to collect), let him see your daughter, you are putting both you and her in danger.

                      Though it seems some of this may be sinking in per this statement: If the goal here was to help me, than why would you just not state, "This is what the court will say. . ." but do I really need to hold your hand and walk you through it?

                      You are still mistaking experience for emotion. I don't know you. You don't know me. Your case has no personal impact on my life and the only emotion I may feel right now would be one of compassion for your child and a hope that her mother will stop being so completely dense as to not understand what we are saying here. Oops, I guess there is another emotion there, frustration.

                      BTW, a signed AOP gives him the right to pay child support. Nothing else. You are the one who has given a violent man the "right" to have access to your child. That is what the court will say.

                      The reason I said you were whining is that not one single response you have given to any of the replys you have recieved was a discussion on or about the suggestions made. Your responses were singularly limited to defensive arguments based on what you felt was implied vs what was actually said.
                      Don't listen to a word I say because ya know I've gotta be crazy to be a Brown's fan.

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Originally posted by 2macos1 View Post
                        His threats of what he will say when he goes to court; how I was promiscuous as a young teen, the fact that I live with my parents and don't work;how he owns businesses, his own home, and rental properties, how he knows all the right people in all the right places. And his promise to make up lies about whatever he can think of as the most heinous things and have friends and family testify to it These are the things that frighten me so much. I know they are his manipulations, but what if he just happens to have a judge that believes him, or knows him? And I loose her to him. Frightened is not a strong enough word to describe the thought of loosing your child. I have thought about calling CPS the times that he was this way around her, but just as you have said, it wouldn't be him, the father, who is at fault, it would be me.
                        By the way, he signed an acknowledgement of paternity form which gives him parental rights,(yeah once again, stupid me)because I believed AGAIN, he had changed. So it's not whining, we live in a very small town and he has what it takes to get what he wants, it's fear.
                        Let him threaten all he wants, with every single thing you listed, none of it has any relevence to who gets custody of a child. Why do so many people think that you need some fancy job to get custody of a child? It's who can care best for the child by way of their caring, not money. He can however be charged more child support for having all those rental properties.

                        Signing the AOP gives him no rights until he files for them. It really doesn't matter that he signed it. He still has the same rights as if he didn't sign it. He still needs to file for visitation himself.

                        I along with plenty of others have been in abusive relationships. It's not a badge of honor. We speak out so others know that you can stop listening to their threats and turn things around.

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Originally posted by 2macos1 View Post
                          I guess once you get out of an abusive relationship you get to be better than those who haven't yet. GOOD-BYE.
                          And don't waste your time replying, I won't be coming back to this lion's den.
                          Again, I would advise you to have a lawyer with you in court...If you think an anonymous internet forum is "the lions den" then I can't imagine how you will cope with Opposing council and an impatient Judge. Childish, immature theatrics will not be tolerated in court. I actually DO consider myself "better" than you...but not because I am rid of my abuser...But because I had the sence and intellect to LISTEN to those who had walked in my shoes and came out the other end with their dignity restored. You really are not ready to leave your abuser...and hopefully your child will not have to pay for YOUR mistake with her life.
                          Please Note: My "warm and fuzzy" font is not working, therefor my posts will be direct and to the point.

                          Thank you in advance for your anticipated understanding.

                          Bay

                          Comment

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