Will this violent man get visitation?

[2macos1]

I have a 4 month old daughter to a married man. Who I was in a relationship with for 8 years, and he has been married the entire time. Throughout this 8 years he has been severely violent and extremely mentally and physically abusive to me. I have never had him arrested, though I have documented some of the many incidents. He assaulted me while I was pregnant, and after I had the baby, while she was in my arms and another time while I was breastfeeding her. One of those two times was witnessed by my sister. He has signed an acknowledgement of paternity form, and I have allowed him to come to the home I share with my parents daily to see our daughter. I moved from a home with him to here because of his abusive behavior. Recently he has become aggressive toward my father and mother, threatening them, basically terrorizing them in their own home, and yes, all of this radical behavior in front of my child. He is also an alcoholic with a history of DUI charges and other alcohol related incidents. And he insists on coming to see her very intoxicated at 3 or 4 am to wake her because "he has a right to see his daughter".
Recently he has informed me he will be having his lawyer contact me and will take me to court for custody of our daughter. He believes I was a promiscuous woman before I met him(which I was), and therefore am a bad mother. Even though I have not been with anyone but him in 8 years. He says he has witnesses to testify that I am a bad person. I have never been arrested, do not drink alcohol, or do drugs, as all of these do apply to him. I am solely breastfeeding my daughter, she has refused a bottle and I have a lactation consultant to testify to this. He even admitted to me that he used to sit with the child he had to his wife while she was at work, and leave him in a high chair ALL DAY while he got drunk and passed out!!! , And that his wife has taken their infant child out at 3 or 4 am in snowstorms to wait in parking lots outside of bars for him, all because he ordered her to do so. She is also abused by him and will not refuse anything he orders her to do. He brags about this.
So. . . my question is, how likely is it, that if I request to a judge to grant him supervised visitation only, that he will if any at all? Or is it likely I will have to send my 4 month old baby off with this drunken monster? And does that fact that she refuses a bottle help me? What can I do to keep her safe and with me?

[demartian]

http://www.healingclub.com/resources.php

Please get yourself help for Domestic Violence. If you do NOT call the police on him each and every time he is abusive, threatening or a danger to your child, child services will be more likely to end up with full custody.

Do not believe any of his threats, call the police.

[Ohio "Step" Mom]

Domestic violence in the home is what prompted CPS to investigate and remove my exH's child from her mother's home. She now lives with me (and has since July 2005). She was born after I divorced my X. Unless you are willing to risk this happening to you, you will start making a report every single time, you will immediately file a domestic violence restraining order on behalf of you, your parents, and your daughter, and you will follow through with keeping that restraining order by not allowing any contact what so ever and reporting every single time he attempts contact with you by calling the police and having him arrested.

If you choose not to do this, don't be surprised if he does get visitation/custody because you will have allowed it by not protecting your daughter when you had the chance.


Not being mean, just being realistic and speaking from experience.

[mom26]

Unless he has killed someone or sexually assulated a child or anyone, he probly will get visitaion... He does have a right to his child... So you knew he was married and you were having a relationship with this man? What did his wife have to say? I would be furious...

[2macos1]

to answer your question

Yes I knew he was. I was 20 years old when I met him, he was 30. I'm not a bad person I was just young and dumb. If you've ever been abused by someone you know how hard it is to leave. I was the one who let her know about the whole relationship, because lies are not my thing.
I know he has a right to see his child, but does he have a right to possibly ruin her life by exposing her to all of his violence, alcoholism, and abuse? I don't think the makings of a strong independant woman lay in this type of environment. That's why I am trying to protect her from it. If his wife puts him before her own child, what would she do when it was my child on the line?

[2macos1]

You're not mean, just truthful

I understand that my child's safety is more important than my relationship or lack thereof with this man. I am not the type of mother to say, "oh, but I love him" and continue to expose my child to this kind of life. That is the reason why I moved in with my parents, so that she can have a better life. I have a degree, I am an educated woman, and plan to support myself and my child. At this point, I think it is best for me to be at home with her and raise her without the help of a daycare. Just a personal choice.
He is not afraid of authority, and is a bully. The police told me what he is doing is only a misdemeanor punishable by a fine. I feel that by agreeing to visitation, that I would not being doing my job as a mother to protect my child. I just want to make sure I go to a court (I already know he is not going to agree to anything I suggest to a mediator) with all of the evidence I need to show them he is violent.

[Ohio "Step" Mom]

Usually the first conviction for Domestic Violence is a misdemeanor, however, subsequent convictions become felonies. The same goes for violations of restraining orders. Each conviction will bring longer sentences and increasing fines. How long do you think he would continue his violent and intrusive behavior if he started having consequences to his actions?

[demartian]

Going to court with NO arrest records for violence against you and NO restraining order will be a problem. There are a lot of people who claim abuse when divorce/custody issues come up in court. If you are not having him arrested each and every time he is abusive or threatening to you and your family, then he may very well fall through the cracks and be allowed visitation or even joint custody.

[Baystategirl]

I have a 4 month old daughter to a married man. Who I was in a relationship with for 8 years, and he has been married the entire time. Throughout this 8 years he has been severely violent and extremely mentally and physically abusive to me. I have never had him arrested, though I have documented some of the many incidents. He assaulted me while I was pregnant, and after I had the baby, while she was in my arms and another time while I was breastfeeding her. One of those two times was witnessed by my sister. He has signed an acknowledgement of paternity form, and I have allowed him to come to the home I share with my parents daily to see our daughter. I moved from a home with him to here because of his abusive behavior. Recently he has become aggressive toward my father and mother, threatening them, basically terrorizing them in their own home, and yes, all of this radical behavior in front of my child. He is also an alcoholic with a history of DUI charges and other alcohol related incidents. And he insists on coming to see her very intoxicated at 3 or 4 am to wake her because "he has a right to see his daughter".
Recently he has informed me he will be having his lawyer contact me and will take me to court for custody of our daughter. He believes I was a promiscuous woman before I met him(which I was), and therefore am a bad mother. Even though I have not been with anyone but him in 8 years. He says he has witnesses to testify that I am a bad person. I have never been arrested, do not drink alcohol, or do drugs, as all of these do apply to him. I am solely breastfeeding my daughter, she has refused a bottle and I have a lactation consultant to testify to this. He even admitted to me that he used to sit with the child he had to his wife while she was at work, and leave him in a high chair ALL DAY while he got drunk and passed out!!! , And that his wife has taken their infant child out at 3 or 4 am in snowstorms to wait in parking lots outside of bars for him, all because he ordered her to do so. She is also abused by him and will not refuse anything he orders her to do. He brags about this.
So. . . my question is, how likely is it, that if I request to a judge to grant him supervised visitation only, that he will if any at all? Or is it likely I will have to send my 4 month old baby off with this drunken monster? And does that fact that she refuses a bottle help me? What can I do to keep her safe and with me?

Here are the issues you will have difficulty in court with.

1. Despite knowing he was abusive and dangerous, you deemed him good father material by getting pregnant and going to term.

2. YOU continued to live with this "monster" despite his assaulting you when pregnant...You also continued to live with this "monster" AFTER he attacked you with your child in your arms. YOU are actually just as guilty of child endangerment as he is.

3. If paternity has never been legally established and there are no visitation order in place, you do not legally have to let him near your child. That you do allow visitation will reflect to the court that you think he is safe to be around her. IF you do not think he is safe to be around your child and are allowing it anyway then YOU ARE GUILTY of child endangerment.

[2macos1]

Actually, I moved out of the home I had with this man when I found out I was pregnant. The reason was because I did not want my child around the violence. When he assaulted me while I was pregnant, he had actually come into my home without my permission, and cornered me. The police said because he did not physically kick in the door, they could not charge him with anything. For all they knew, I assaulted him first. This is the way the police react to domestic violence cases where I am from. Most women in similar situations are treated as if they are at fault, much like the opinion you seem to have. I am keeping him from my daughter, that is how I am protecting her. This "monster" bullys and barrels through whatever door he feels like. Maybe you have never met a very violent person, and I hope you never have to, but people like him are not afraid of the police. And where I come from, the police don't always show up. And if they do, you just might have to pay another way. I would move away if I had the money, but I can barely buy diapers. Maybe I am expressing myself using the wrong words, but I feel like I am trying to do the best I can to protect her. That is why I am trying to have the strongest case I can when I do go to court. I guess not everyone is fortunate enough to have their lives and decisions turn out perfectly.

[demartian]

I got away from my abusive ex 5 years ago. My son is now 9 years old. Yes, we do know what we are talking about. You don't list what part of the country you are from. Read the links I provided in my first post. There are FEDERAL hotlines that can help you if you feel your local law enforcement won't help. You AND your parents need to have him arrested when he is threatening or abusive to ANY of you. DO NOT let him into their home. DO NOT give him permission to see the child. Let him know that he is not allowed on their property, that he would be tresspassing if he steps foot on the property. Send him a certified letter of that and then press criminal tresspass charges if he goes against that request. He has not filed for visitation and you are not required to let him even see the child for a minute until he is granted visitation from a court.

[Baystategirl]

Actually, I moved out of the home I had with this man when I found out I was pregnant. The reason was because I did not want my child around the violence. When he assaulted me while I was pregnant, he had actually come into my home without my permission, and cornered me. The police said because he did not physically kick in the door, they could not charge him with anything. For all they knew, I assaulted him first. This is the way the police react to domestic violence cases where I am from. Most women in similar situations are treated as if they are at fault, much like the opinion you seem to have. I am keeping him from my daughter, that is how I am protecting her. This "monster" bullys and barrels through whatever door he feels like. Maybe you have never met a very violent person, and I hope you never have to, but people like him are not afraid of the police. And where I come from, the police don't always show up. And if they do, you just might have to pay another way. I would move away if I had the money, but I can barely buy diapers. Maybe I am expressing myself using the wrong words, but I feel like I am trying to do the best I can to protect her. That is why I am trying to have the strongest case I can when I do go to court. I guess not everyone is fortunate enough to have their lives and decisions turn out perfectly.

...sigh....Did you read the FIRST LINE IN MY POST???????????:

Here are the issues you will have difficulty in court with.

Are you suggesting that you were repeatedly attacked by your ex and when you called the police they either DIDN'T show up or disregarded the attack all together?? Did you contact the State police? The mayor? The Governor? An attorney? Please remember if you want to play the "DV Card" in court you are required to PROVE your allegations. If you attempt to testify that you were denied protection from your police department be prepared to deal with the legal repercussion of such a statement. Remember 911 logs are kept forever.

[2macos1]

hostility?

Why are you so hostile, and are you condoning domestic violence? I guess you are just too strong of a person to ever have someone treat you badly, or are you the one who usually plays that role in a relationship? You sound like you live in a perfect world. My aunt was literally beat to death by her abuser. Was this her fault? Did she deserve it? That's when our police force did something about it. Yes, there are laws to protect us against domestic violence, but the police do not have to apply these to each and every situation. And most of the time the charge will be punishable by only a fine. Anyway, I guess I was mistaken when I thought the purpose of this forum was to get opinions from educated or experienced individuals, not to be demeaned and judged. Thank you others for your help.

[Baystategirl]

Why are you so hostile, and are you condoning domestic violence? I guess you are just too strong of a person to ever have someone treat you badly, or are you the one who usually plays that role in a relationship? You sound like you live in a perfect world. My aunt was literally beat to death by her abuser. Was this her fault? Did she deserve it? That's when our police force did something about it. Yes, there are laws to protect us against domestic violence, but the police do not have to apply these to each and every situation. And most of the time the charge will be punishable by only a fine. Anyway, I guess I was mistaken when I thought the purpose of this forum was to get opinions from educated or experienced individuals, not to be demeaned and judged. Thank you others for your help.

I am not hostile. I am trying to tell you how your own actions or lack of action will appear to a court. I in no way condone DV. For you to infer from my posting such a thing is bizarre. I myself was involved in a DV relationship and have had to deal with these same issues. Courts are not nice and understanding...When you approach a Judge and tell him that the father to your child is a "monster" you had better have proof. That is a legal reality. If you prefer I could "flower" up my wording and tell you when you want to hear rather than a legal reality that will actually HELP you prepare for court...Is that what you would like?

The purpose of this forum is to help you prepare for your court case. If you think that apposing council or the Judge won't question YOUR actions you are not dealing with reality.

[Ohio "Step" Mom]

I haven't read anything hostile in this thread. What you are being told is the reality of the legal system. You came here seeking advice and I would think that you would want honesty. Baystate is only being honest and trying to help you. Unless you report the things that have/are happening you will not have the documentation to back up your claims in court and the court will not have anything to support a determination that he cannot have visitation.

Courts do not want to have their decisions appealed and overturned. You have to give them what they need to support any decision they make. No one can do this but YOU.

You want to protect your daughter, we get that. If the police do not respond to the first call, you keep calling, even if he is gone by that time. You have to make a report. Even if you have to go down to the station in person to make a report, do it. If you have to do an in person report at the station, and he has caused damage to your home, take pictures (digital or camera phone) and show them and ask them to come to the home for themselves to collect evidence. If you have injuries, take pictures or ask that they do. If they need evidence that he came in the home without permission, help them with that by locking the doors at all times. Have a tape recorder or video camera going if he shows up and play the tape for the police.

If you sit back and continue to whine and complain about it instead of being proactive about helping the police to have the evidence they need to get charges to stick, nothing will change and he WILL get visitation.

No one here wants him to have visitation if he is violent. However, unless you have the documentation and the evidence that shows his violent behavior, unless you stop him from being allowed to see the child (btw by allowing the violence to continue, you are endangering your child), he will get visitation. We are trying to help you here. Stop being defensive. Stop being a victim. Start helping yourself and your daughter.

And before you decide that I just don't understand.... I do. And the only way it stopped for me, the only way I was able to prove to the court the claims I was making was to do exactly as I have told you here. I now have sole physical and legal custody of our son and he sees his son when and if I say so. It can be done but first, you have to get yourself out of "poor pitiful me" mode and start preparing your case.