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The RIGHT thing to do... California

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  • The RIGHT thing to do... California

    Hi, im new but I thought maybe someone on here could help me
    I have a complicated situation, im married to my high school sweetheart, we were together for pretty much 6 years before we got married but right after high school while I was in college he slept with his next door neighbor and she became pregnant. We split up for a few months because he had planned on doing the right thing and marrying her unfortunately for her that didnt work out and we ended up back together. He was served with papers to establish parentage and he got involved in a custody suit with the mother where he was asking for joint custody and visitation. The problem with it is the mother lives with her parents and they are making the decisions for her and saying she has to allow it or leave their house. She doesnt have a job or any training and she never has. She hasnt allowed my husband to see his child since he was 3 months old, he is now 17 months. She is getting married in a few months and my husband feels the connection has been lost due to not seeing him. She is now accusing him of abusing ME ( im not sure why) and saying he shouldnt even be allowed custody but wants CS even after she is married....Is there a way for my husband to give up rights and not be financially responsible? The mother is planning on having her fiance adopt my stepson and still wants my husband paying CS after this....Please help I need advice on how this situation works...

  • #2
    First off everyone will want to know is there a support order?
    IS there a visitation custody order?
    1st
    IF there is a visitation order and the mom denies visitation at the correct time of the visit, then your boyfiend should bring his paperwork to the mom's house. ASk very nicely for the child. They say no... call the police ask them to enforce the order... HE visits the kid OR the police will at the very least fill out a report.
    2nd
    Take mom to court. Contempt of court for not following the order.
    3rd
    If a step parent were to adopt the child and the BIO-dad consented it would terminate all rights to the child and end any obligation to the child... ie no right to visit and no obligation to pay support!
    4th
    A step-parent can no adopt a child till they have been married for 1 year so he's gonna have to keep paying till it is done.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by stuckinamuck View Post
      First off everyone will want to know is there a support order?
      IS there a visitation custody order?
      1st
      IF there is a visitation order and the mom denies visitation at the correct time of the visit, then your boyfiend should bring his paperwork to the mom's house. ASk very nicely for the child. They say no... call the police ask them to enforce the order... HE visits the kid OR the police will at the very least fill out a report.
      2nd
      Take mom to court. Contempt of court for not following the order.
      3rd
      If a step parent were to adopt the child and the BIO-dad consented it would terminate all rights to the child and end any obligation to the child... ie no right to visit and no obligation to pay support!
      4th
      A step-parent can no adopt a child till they have been married for 1 year so he's gonna have to keep paying till it is done.

      No, no court orders have happened yet, the mothers lawyer is refusing to speak to my husbands attorney, my husband, or myself. She has expressed her desires to other people in his family and my husband and myself are trying to give her what she wants, but we are torn, he hasnt seen his son in so long but he still would like to be part of his sons life and I fully support him in that, but he doesnt want to make her life any more difficult than it already has become. I just dont know how to handle the situation, I dont understand how she could be so against the father of her child having a relationship with his son. There are so many fathers out there who dont want to be part of their childrens lives and she has told me that she doesnt ever want him near her son again and that if he tries for it, she will take him for everything she has. This case is getting uglier everyday and I am not familiar with the laws at all.....

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by gabby04 View Post
        No, no court orders have happened yet, the mothers lawyer is refusing to speak to my husbands attorney, my husband, or myself. She has expressed her desires to other people in his family and my husband and myself are trying to give her what she wants, but we are torn, he hasnt seen his son in so long but he still would like to be part of his sons life and I fully support him in that, but he doesnt want to make her life any more difficult than it already has become. I just dont know how to handle the situation, I dont understand how she could be so against the father of her child having a relationship with his son. There are so many fathers out there who dont want to be part of their childrens lives and she has told me that she doesnt ever want him near her son again and that if he tries for it, she will take him for everything she has. This case is getting uglier everyday and I am not familiar with the laws at all.....
        Unfortunately your husband will have to wait until the court orders visitation, until then there is no way of forcing mom to allow visits. Once the order is issued and Mom denies visits your husband will need to file for contempt.

        What "things" are you and hubby trying to give her?
        If it's money- CS without a court order:
        Hubby needs to NOT pay her ANYTHING until the court orders him to. He should put the money in the bank. Unfortunately the CS system is set up really stupid- any monies paid by a NCP WITHOUT a court order will be considered a GIFT. When the CS order is issued they will order retro support and he won't get credit for what he's willingly paid.

        Since your husband has an attorney he should just let the attorney handle things, and it will be alot easier on both of you.

        Comment


        • #5
          Court Date and new complications

          Our lawyer finally got ahold of her lawyer and found out that the mom has been doing nothing but lying to her attorney claiming that he hasnt tried to see his son since he was born....we have proof against this of course and pictures with the child but it still is getting kind of crazy. He put in an order to show cause and got mediation and a court date set up in a month. Here are my questions, if he is willing to pay child support and wants to be part of his life are there any reasons a judge would deny him his rights as the father? Also He is leaving for boot camp for the Air Force in February will him not using his visitation for 2 months give her an advantage of saying he isnt around and taking his visitation away? My husband wants to be able to provide for his son and the military is beneficial for everyone involved. Is it going to be a problem in the end though?

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by gabby04 View Post
            Our lawyer finally got ahold of her lawyer and found out that the mom has been doing nothing but lying to her attorney claiming that he hasnt tried to see his son since he was born....we have proof against this of course and pictures with the child but it still is getting kind of crazy. He put in an order to show cause and got mediation and a court date set up in a month. Here are my questions, if he is willing to pay child support and wants to be part of his life are there any reasons a judge would deny him his rights as the father? Also He is leaving for boot camp for the Air Force in February will him not using his visitation for 2 months give her an advantage of saying he isnt around and taking his visitation away? My husband wants to be able to provide for his son and the military is beneficial for everyone involved. Is it going to be a problem in the end though?
            Absent any proof that he is a danger to his child, the court will allow visitation at the very least. I personally don't see where him entering the military will present a problem, but there's no way of knowing how any particular Judge will view it.

            Comment


            • #7
              Mediation is Tomorrow!

              Hey, if anyone has any advice for what needs to be brought up or how mediation works in these situations please let me know ASAP, im sorry I didnt give much notice, Court is next Monday, we really have no hope of anything working out in Mediation, the mother told us to stop contacting her lawyer for requests of visitation now altogether, she says we are wasting her money on attorney fees when we know she refuses to let us see the little boy. If we have court on monday what are the odds we will get a temporary order for visitation so we can see him for Christmas? Im so nervous....my husband and I are kind of left in the dark on tomorrows issues....please help

              Comment


              • #8
                The odds of getting visitation are about 99.9999% (provided that he poses no danger to the child). The mother will have no say. Relax, take a deep breath, and be prepared to develop a relationship with this child. Good luck.
                HOOK 'EM HORNS!!!
                How do you catch a very rare rabbit?
                (unique up on him)
                How do catch an ordinary rabbit?
                (same way)

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by gabby04 View Post
                  Hey, if anyone has any advice for what needs to be brought up or how mediation works in these situations please let me know ASAP, im sorry I didnt give much notice, Court is next Monday, we really have no hope of anything working out in Mediation, the mother told us to stop contacting her lawyer for requests of visitation now altogether, she says we are wasting her money on attorney fees when we know she refuses to let us see the little boy. If we have court on monday what are the odds we will get a temporary order for visitation so we can see him for Christmas? Im so nervous....my husband and I are kind of left in the dark on tomorrows issues....please help
                  How did the hearing go? Did your hubby get a temp visitstion order?

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Mediation Results-

                    Mediation wasnt too bad, no orders were set. They were only in mediation for about 15 minutes....My stepson's mother started crying when she saw us come in her mom told us they werent expecting us to show up. Apparently when they went into mediation they asked the mother what she wanted and she said she would only allow supervised visitation in her own living room at hours that were convenient for herself and her family with my husband only, his family including myself are not to see him ever. When the mediatior asked her why she felt this was the best outcome she replied with "its just what I want" the mediatior said that wasnt a valid reason to restrict everything so much and she just said that was how she felt when the mediatior started asking my husband a question she blurted out that she couldnt trust him with her son and her reasons given were that 1.) He didnt change a diaper for him one time at her house {might I add that when he goes over there he isnt allowed to touch his son} and that 2.) She brought him over to one of my husbands friends houses and the friend's dog supposedly nipped at the baby....then she said my husband allowed it because he "needed to learn." My husband isnt that sort of person he has watched both myself and his younger brother get bit by dogs and seen how devastated we were he would never EVER allow his son to get hurt for any reason by anybody. Then they asked my husband what he wanted, he said unsupervised visitation at LEAST every other weekend, overnight with my family at my house. After she denied that they asked who she would be putting down as supervisors for visitation and she said herself or her family only in her house, my husband said no, and the mediator said nothing would be accomplished in there so she sent them home. We go to court next monday at 9 am....Could anyone tell me what for sure needs to be brought up? The mom is alienating my husband having her new fiance play dad which wouldnt upset my husband so much if he were allowed to be dad too....we understand that her new husband will be taking on a father type role but not the ONLY dad. They make his son run away if he sees my husband on the street. (He lives two doors down from my mother in law) The mother is also claiming that neither my husband or myself would know how to take care of his son and that he has special needs that cant be met by us. My husband has 3 younger siblings whom he has helped raise and has worked in nurseries and watched a young handicapped boy by himself. Myself, I have been working childcare since I was 9, both assisting my then single working mother with my Down Syndrome little sister who had to be watched carefully because of holes in her heart, her classes from age 2 on, nurseries, i was certified through trustline and the fbi to SUPERVISE custody case children and to watch children whose parents were on welfare and couldnt pay me, and I am a coach for special olympics....can any of those things be brought up? In case of our absence due to work, my mother would be watching him, she is the head coach of the special olympics swim and softball team, she has raised my handicapped sister, and she doesnt work. Before that she was a sherriff, she is retired from the department now because of back problems. I was just wondering if that should be brought up in court, my family is more than qualified to take care of children. We also set up a room for my stepson just in case he was able to come over. My husband is scared of losing his son for good, and we really dont want him to have to suffer through sitting in her living room to see him, he will but then nobody else will ever get to see him.... Any advice? Oh and the First right of refusal? Would that mean he would have to ask the mother before his family members including his wife were able to watch him while he was at work or would I be able to watch him before we would have to ask her?

                    Sorry for such a long post im just very concerned.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by gabby04 View Post
                      Mediation wasnt too bad, no orders were set. They were only in mediation for about 15 minutes....My stepson's mother started crying when she saw us come in her mom told us they werent expecting us to show up. Apparently when they went into mediation they asked the mother what she wanted and she said she would only allow supervised visitation in her own living room at hours that were convenient for herself and her family with my husband only, his family including myself are not to see him ever. When the mediatior asked her why she felt this was the best outcome she replied with "its just what I want" the mediatior said that wasnt a valid reason to restrict everything so much and she just said that was how she felt when the mediatior started asking my husband a question she blurted out that she couldnt trust him with her son and her reasons given were that 1.) He didnt change a diaper for him one time at her house {might I add that when he goes over there he isnt allowed to touch his son} and that 2.) She brought him over to one of my husbands friends houses and the friend's dog supposedly nipped at the baby....then she said my husband allowed it because he "needed to learn." My husband isnt that sort of person he has watched both myself and his younger brother get bit by dogs and seen how devastated we were he would never EVER allow his son to get hurt for any reason by anybody. Then they asked my husband what he wanted, he said unsupervised visitation at LEAST every other weekend, overnight with my family at my house. After she denied that they asked who she would be putting down as supervisors for visitation and she said herself or her family only in her house, my husband said no, and the mediator said nothing would be accomplished in there so she sent them home. We go to court next monday at 9 am....Could anyone tell me what for sure needs to be brought up? The mom is alienating my husband having her new fiance play dad which wouldnt upset my husband so much if he were allowed to be dad too....we understand that her new husband will be taking on a father type role but not the ONLY dad. They make his son run away if he sees my husband on the street. (He lives two doors down from my mother in law) The mother is also claiming that neither my husband or myself would know how to take care of his son and that he has special needs that cant be met by us. My husband has 3 younger siblings whom he has helped raise and has worked in nurseries and watched a young handicapped boy by himself. Myself, I have been working childcare since I was 9, both assisting my then single working mother with my Down Syndrome little sister who had to be watched carefully because of holes in her heart, her classes from age 2 on, nurseries, i was certified through trustline and the fbi to SUPERVISE custody case children and to watch children whose parents were on welfare and couldnt pay me, and I am a coach for special olympics....can any of those things be brought up? In case of our absence due to work, my mother would be watching him, she is the head coach of the special olympics swim and softball team, she has raised my handicapped sister, and she doesnt work. Before that she was a sherriff, she is retired from the department now because of back problems. I was just wondering if that should be brought up in court, my family is more than qualified to take care of children. We also set up a room for my stepson just in case he was able to come over. My husband is scared of losing his son for good, and we really dont want him to have to suffer through sitting in her living room to see him, he will but then nobody else will ever get to see him.... Any advice? Oh and the First right of refusal? Would that mean he would have to ask the mother before his family members including his wife were able to watch him while he was at work or would I be able to watch him before we would have to ask her?

                      Sorry for such a long post im just very concerned.
                      With the mother being so stupidly up front about her reasons , stating "it's just what I want" the mom is going to provide most of the evidence in Dad's favor herself.

                      He should have all documentation with him and he should be calm and just firmly, but nicely state what he wants the court to order.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        And he should be reassured that the supervised visitation that she wants is NOT going to be reasonable to a court (unless your husband just rolls over and agrees to it). That is absolutely ridiculous and very easily can be shown to be detrimental to the child's well being.

                        He is not going to lose his son. (Man, this woman is stupid...is she trying to lose her case???) Just hang in there.

                        I would not bring up what your family can do to care for the child unless specifically asked who will be watching the child while he is at work and what training/qualifications they have to care for a special needs child. (Besides, if she is dumb enough to say that nobody involved except her can care for his child, he will have an ace when he says,"au contraire..." ) This is about the fact that he IS the father of this child and he has just as much right to be a parent as she does. Let her hang herself.
                        HOOK 'EM HORNS!!!
                        How do you catch a very rare rabbit?
                        (unique up on him)
                        How do catch an ordinary rabbit?
                        (same way)

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Thanks

                          Thank you both very much, that gives a little bit of hope back. Thank you again for the last statement too we will keep our mouths shut til she wants to bring it up

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            A new update

                            Hello everyone, im sorry to not have let anyone know how court went things have been rather hectic. My husband got, to say the least, "limited visitation." The judge ordered that because my husband was to be going into the military in february that he should only be able to see his son on wednesdays and saturdays for 3 hours each time, and only with my husbands mother present at all times. Well we have been trying to deal with that but for the first visit she decided that she would serve him with child support papers in the first 15 minutes he has had with his son in 9 months....then came over to tell him she didnt feel he should be able to continue visitation that day because he had gone outside to talk to the person who served him the papers who was from the child support agency....then an hour later she came over and said he needed medicine and shoved a saringe down his throat while he was sleeping and held his head back because he was sputtering and she was afraid he would spill it on the floor. To make matters worse then she said ok baby mommys gonna leave you with daddy again and stood in the doorway staring til he started to cry then left with a smile on her face.....this repeated for the first 3 visits we had with him. The court order was wednesdays and saturdays from 9 am to noon with the stipulation that should both my husband and the mother agree to change the day or time or combine any said things that it was the new court agreement for that time. She called us tonight at around 3pm and said that my stepson was sick (again, for the 4th time this month) and that my husband cant have visitation because she doesnt want him out of her house....she said in order to make it up to him that next week she would give him 2, 6 hours days to spend with his son, he agreed then changed his work schedule, she then called me to tell me the same thing, and my husbands mother to confirm, 20 minutes later she called to say she had changed her mind that she didnt want him to spend that much time with him because every time he comes home from spending time with us he is sad and doesnt want her....should my husband contact his lawyer and go back to court because she is calling 10-12 times a day changing times and days and telling my husband that his son hates being with him and accusing us of not taking care of him, its getting to be a problem and she is changing things until my husband is unable to see his son at all...she doesnt work and the baby isnt in school so the only schedule that is stopping things is ours but we cant continue to keep changing everything around her...and she refuses to make any effort at all to work around our schedules. On the bright side after 9 months of not seeing his father his son remembered him and is happy and smiling and runs to him everytime we are there. He is adorable and seems to have lots of fun with us.

                            Im sorry to ramble im just not sure if what she is doing is allowed....

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by gabby04 View Post
                              ...should my husband contact his lawyer and go back to court ecause she is calling 10-12 times a day changing times and days and telling my husband that his son hates being with him and accusing us of not taking care of him...
                              He should call his lawyer NOW. There is a court order. She is not allowed to change the times of the visitation. She is also not allowed to interfere with visitation. If the child needs medicine when he is with your husband, she should give it to him with instructions. She is not allowed to come into the home during your husband's visitation hours(unless he invites her in), and she is not allowed to show up and say, "That's it, time's up!" Document each and every time she does this. She is defying a court order. File for contempt TODAY. The judge will NOT be happy that she is so openly and brazenly defying his/her orders.

                              Comment

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