Step parent adoption in North Carolina

[stress12D]

Wow,

Don't know where to begin, just need a little advice. I have been raising my oldest stepson since he was 14 months old and his brother since last year in may. The oldes is now turning 5. They are 13 months apart. We have a very close relationship with each other. But actually my fiancee and I are not married yet because I was in school, I needed the financial aid from filing single. I have a great job now. We are planning to get married, but are considering doing it quick. We are interested in doing a stepparent adoption, but we do not even have full custody. Do we need to establish full custody before an adoption. How long do we have to be married in NC before we can try for an adoption. The mother is not going to voluntarily give her rights away. She has been diagnosed with mental illness and in and out of centers. She has given the kids to him, but hates me, we have to hide it from her for the last 4 years, so she doesn't flip out. She will not sign full custody over to him, but the social services told her that the younger one had to live with his father also or he was going to foster care. But once they come to us nothing else is done through social services. I can't even take them to the doctor or anything, because I have no rights. I have tried to get the youngest one counseling, he has been affected by things, but they will not let me because i have no legal rights.When I got to the doctor they turn me away. His dad can't go to appointments every week, my fiancee works a lot. So take care of them all the time. It is very frustrating, don't know where to begin really. I just know that i love them very much and would like to be their parent, because I do it all anyway. Any advice is appreciated. It is frustrating to know that I do everything and she has all these rights. She has not provided any support at all the whole time they have been with us.

[MomofBoys]

Wow,

Don't know where to begin, just need a little advice. I have been raising my oldest stepson since he was 14 months old and his brother since last year in may. The oldes is now turning 5. They are 13 months apart. We have a very close relationship with each other. But actually my fiancee and I are not married yet because I was in school, I needed the financial aid from filing single. I have a great job now. We are planning to get married, but are considering doing it quick. We are interested in doing a stepparent adoption, but we do not even have full custody. Do we need to establish full custody before an adoption. How long do we have to be married in NC before we can try for an adoption. The mother is not going to voluntarily give her rights away. She has been diagnosed with mental illness and in and out of centers. She has given the kids to him, but hates me, we have to hide it from her for the last 4 years, so she doesn't flip out. She will not sign full custody over to him, but the social services told her that the younger one had to live with his father also or he was going to foster care. But once they come to us nothing else is done through social services. I can't even take them to the doctor or anything, because I have no rights. I have tried to get the youngest one counseling, he has been affected by things, but they will not let me because i have no legal rights.When I got to the doctor they turn me away. His dad can't go to appointments every week, my fiancee works a lot. So take care of them all the time. It is very frustrating, don't know where to begin really. I just know that i love them very much and would like to be their parent, because I do it all anyway. Any advice is appreciated. It is frustrating to know that I do everything and she has all these rights. She has not provided any support at all the whole time they have been with us.

Let me understand this:

Your boyfriend has two children with one woman, ages 5 and 4. You have been taking care of the 5 year old for about 4 years now, the the 4 year old for the past year. You want to adopt these children once you marry.

Ok.... first of all, they are not currently your stepchildren. I get that you love them, but you are not married to their father. You are, for all intensive purposes, their babysitter.

Second, if the mother does not wish to terminate her rights, then you can basically just stop right there. It's never going to happen. The fact that she is mentally ill makes it even LESS likely that it could be done against her will.

Third, who has actual custody? If your boyfriend has the children all the time, then he should petition for residential custody.

Fourth, what do you mean you have hidden from her for four years? If you hid from he WITH her son, you can both be prosecuted.

[stress12D]

You are crazy and RUDE!

I understand that you are trying to help. But our address is not hidden. We are getting married. He is the custodial parent, social services has taken these children away. You need to read more carefully before you reply to something. Anyway these are opinions I am not sure of your credentials. I thought I would have help on this website not criticism. I am cancelling my member ship. Thanks for nothing. You are crazy!

[mommyof4]

Well, that was a completely irrational response to a legitimate answer.


You are not married. You are not a step mother. You cannot adopt.

As long as the children are safe and living with a relative and the mother does not consent to the adoption, it won't happen.

[stress12D]

Get Real

I guess you people are not reading what I wrote. Obviously I cannot adopt if we are not married. I was asking if anyone new in north carolina how long we had to be married before step parent adoption was possible. Their mother does nothing, doesn't even offer any support, I do everything for them. I am not irrational or uneducated. Saying that mental illness will prevent adoption is crazy. Once we are married, it will be easy to prove that she cannot provide support for the children, as she has not been doing thus far. I really don't think you people can read, because you are not answering the specific quesitons i had just posting your own personal opinion. I have never been met with such rudeness especially toward someone who is trying to do the right thing by the children.

[mommyof4]

I guess you people are not reading what I wrote. Obviously I cannot adopt if we are not married. I was asking if anyone new in north carolina how long we had to be married before step parent adoption was possible. Their mother does nothing, doesn't even offer any support, I do everything for them. I am not irrational or uneducated. Saying that mental illness will prevent adoption is crazy. Once we are married, it will be easy to prove that she cannot provide support for the children, as she has not been doing thus far. I really don't think you people can read, because you are not answering the specific quesitons i had just posting your own personal opinion. I have never been met with such rudeness especially toward someone who is trying to do the right thing by the children.

You must be married at least one year. That is to start the proceedings. You can count on years of court, thousands upon thousands of dollars spent, many tears of frustration and still face the very real probability that you will not be successful. This is not an easy undertaking.

It doesn't matter at this point what the mother does or does not do. It is your CHOICE to support these children in whatever manner you do.

The right thing by the children is to let them know that Mommy loves them but just can't care for them right now, so they live with Daddy (and when you are married, his wife) who also love them and will protect and support them.

The only one who has responded with any level of rudeness is you.

[stress12D]

No, the first e-mail that i recieved was rude, short, and did not answer my questions. Obviously that is what I already do, let them know that is the case. So you are saying I should be their mother for the next 5 years then let her come back in after doing nothing. You people would be responding differently if it was a situation with a father. When a father is absent for whatever reason and not in the situation, he is a bad person and a u know what. But when a mother does it, it is okay because she has an excuse or something like that. All I wanted was personal opinions on adoption LAWS, not personal opions about what i should tell the children that I am babysitting 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I posted on here to get support or have my questions answered not be critizied. Yes I do make that choice, and those kids are my world, I do everything for them. So to be insulted and called a babysitter really offends me, especially when I am writing to get suggestions and help.

[atsiamanda]

OK 1st of all, take your emotions out of it.

Step parent adoption CAN NOT and WILL NOT happen without the consent of the mother unless her parental rights are stripped from her. Losing her parental right is different from custody.

As far as you being a babysitter, in the eyes of the court you are. I am the step mother to triplets and I was there the day they were born. (Whole other story). I can not make any legal decisions in regards to them. Their mother includes me on all school and medical reports as a point of contact. She also sends me an updated power of attorney when needed, even though I am over 800 miles away in case something were to happen and my husband was deployed. If she were to decide that I was the wicked witch and wanted to change her mind, she could in the drop of a hat.

In the eyes of the law, I am noone but their father's wife. In my home and heart I am "a" mother to them. I love them with everything in me, treat them like my own and would jump in front of a moving train if it would save them. You continue to love and support these children and that is all they need. When they are grown and look back, they will see you as their mother regardless if you adopt or not. That is what matters really.

Best of Luck

[MomofBoys]

No, the first e-mail that i recieved was rude, short, and did not answer my questions.

I actually did answer your questions... and asked a few of my own for clarification. That's what a lawyer will do. Do you plan on stomping out of the office of every attorney who asks you for clarification? Good luck with that.

Obviously that is what I already do, let them know that is the case. So you are saying I should be their mother for the next 5 years then let her come back in after doing nothing. You people would be responding differently if it was a situation with a father.

I suggest you slow your roll, sister. The answer is yes, if she wants to come back in a few years after doing nothing, you have no choice but to let her. That is, after all, the EXACT situation I am in with my son's biological father (as a matter of fact, we have court tomorrow). He up and left more than TWO years ago, and my husband has been the child's sole father figure and financial provider. And guess what? Not only will bio-daddy just be allowed back in my son's life (supevised, at first, but still there), but he doesn't even have to provide me with an explaniation of why he was gone.

No one said it was fair. But it is how it works.

If she is gone with no contact and no support, then your boyfriend MIGHT have a case to terminate her rights against her will.

But yes, and you need to snap into reality here..... it is HARDER, not EASIER.... HARDER to do it if she has a diagnosed mental illness. The courts will not take away children from someone with a disability, and mental illness is a disability. That leaves way too much room to overturn the ruling years later on appeal if she recieves proper care and is on the road to recovery.

Don't believe me? Do a search on here for a member named Demartian. She cannot get her son's bio-father's rights terminated, and nto only has he had no contact for several years, he abused both her and the child. Why? Because he is an alcoholic, and alcoholism is a recognized mental disease.

When a father is absent for whatever reason and not in the situation, he is a bad person and a u know what. But when a mother does it, it is okay because she has an excuse or something like that.

That's just ridiculous. We are equal opportunity here. We despise all parents who turn their backs on their kids, not just the ones with outdoor plumbing.

All I wanted was personal opinions on adoption LAWS, not personal opions about what i should tell the children that I am babysitting 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

And you got them. You cannot adopt these children unless the mother agrees to it. If you think it will be simple, you are the one with mental problems.

I posted on here to get support or have my questions answered not be critizied. Yes I do make that choice, and those kids are my world, I do everything for them. So to be insulted and called a babysitter really offends me, especially when I am writing to get suggestions and help.

Legally, you hold no more standing in their lives than a babysitter. No one is questioning your committment to the children, but you need to face reality. You are no where close to being their legal mother. And if this is how you plan to handle it when you get bad news, you are only making it more difficult for yourself.

Before you complain that your case if different, do some research, or pay a lawyer for a consult. You will get the same answers you are getting here for free.

[MomofBoys]

Also, your first post specifically stated:

The mother is not going to voluntarily give her rights away. She has been diagnosed with mental illness and in and out of centers. She has given the kids to him, but hates me, we have to hide it from her for the last 4 years, so she doesn't flip out.

Now, I this is where I asked about hiding from her. You mentioned hiding "it." What were you hiding?

That won't really go over well in front of a judge, that you have been actively hiding what I assume is either your involvement with her children or the children themselves from her.

I understand that you don't like these responses, but that doesn't make them any less accurate.

[mommyof4]

No, the first e-mail that i recieved was rude, short, and did not answer my questions. Obviously that is what I already do, let them know that is the case. So you are saying I should be their mother for the next 5 years then let her come back in after doing nothing. You people would be responding differently if it was a situation with a father. When a father is absent for whatever reason and not in the situation, he is a bad person and a u know what. But when a mother does it, it is okay because she has an excuse or something like that. All I wanted was personal opinions on adoption LAWS, not personal opions about what i should tell the children that I am babysitting 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I posted on here to get support or have my questions answered not be critizied. Yes I do make that choice, and those kids are my world, I do everything for them. So to be insulted and called a babysitter really offends me, especially when I am writing to get suggestions and help.

Why are you yelling at me with your little (3, no less) faces?

I answered your questions. Nothing else. MoB posted 100% correct information.

You are NOT their mother. You have not been their mother for the past 5 years. You will not be their mother for the next 5 years (unless of course, you manage to accomplish the next to impossible). You will be their father's wife who allows you to be included in the circle of love that is his family.

My answer would be, and has been, the same to a man wanting to adopt his future wife's children.

[MomofBoys]

You forget the

For fun, try to make those faces:



You will crack yourself up, I swear.

[stress12D]

Wow

Your responses are incorrect, not accurate. No I do not like it, it was extremely rude. We have to hide the fact that we are getting married, not where the children live. She knows our address. You are not a lawyer, so you cannot say what a judge will or will not like. I have been financially and emotionally involved in these children, it will be up to a judge. But thanks for nothing, I appreciate all your help.

[mommyof4]

You forget the

For fun, try to make those faces:



You will crack yourself up, I swear.

Whoops...

I still don't know why I got the X3.

Here. Mine are more fun.

[stress12D]

WOw

For your information, I have been his mother for the past 4 years. When her parental rights are terminated and I sign the birth certificate, I will be the legal mother at that point. It is not impossible at all, you need to research more information.