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Thread: Issue w/husband's ex wife and his inlaws regarding custody of his son Nebraska

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    Default Issue w/husband's ex wife and his inlaws regarding custody of his son Nebraska

    My husband, Scott, has full custody of his 9 year old son, Ethan. His ex wife has visitation every other weekend. However, when it is her weekend, she picks up Ethan after school on Friday, drops him off at Scott's parents' house, and doesn't pick him up until Saturday or Sunday. Her visitation ends Monday morning when she drops him off at school. Usually she doesn't pick him up until Sunday afternoon. So she does not take the time that she is given with her son.
    Meanwhile, Scott's relationship with his parents is very strained. Although, he has never denied them the right to see Ethan regardless of their relationship problems. However, we are trying to make it so that Ethan's mother, Jackie, isn't dropping him off over at Scott's parents house every weekend for 95% of the visit, when it is HER time to be doing things and spending time with her son. They went through a long custody battle for her to get those visits, and now she just tosses them aside.

    Also whenever Jackie and Scott's mom are together, they grill Ethan about things that go on at our house, like do we feed him vegetable, who comes over to our house, do we drink, etc etc. Scott's parents are very toxic people, but we still want them to be part of Ethan's life, but in limited doses, not for 3 days every other weekend. Ethan has ADHD and emotional issues(due to Jackie abandoning him and moving away for over a year with almost no contact) and whenever he spends a lot of time at his grandparents, he comes back talking baby talk, not listening, being defiant, etc, because he has no rules or expectations or routine when visiting them(hence why we want to limit the visitation length at Grandma and Grandpa's)

    Scott told his father today that he wanted the visits during Jackie's time with Ethan to stop, and Scott's father refused, saying that he'd take us to court if we tried to say that they can't see Ethan. How on earth do we get this to stop? We never said that the grandparents couldn't see Ethan, we just want him to get his time with his mother that he wants and needs. We want to prove the point to JACKIE that she cannot just pawn Ethan off on his grandparents and flit in and out of Ethan's life during HER visitation time. This isn't a vendetta against Scott's parents. How do we avoid her doing this? She won't listen to Scott saying she "has to work" and this is why she drops Ethan off at the grandparents. We think she is lying about having to work in the first place. Is Scott within his rights to show up at his parents and pick up Ethan if Jackie continues to do this, since Jackie is not taking her time with her son as she is supposed to be per the court order? We also want to prove a point to Scott's parents that WE are in charge of Ethan, not them, and what we say goes as far as his upbringing and they do have rights, but we will be the ones to tell them when and how long they can see Ethan.

    Hopefully this makes sense and I have explained myself throughly. I tired to make it as short and sweet as possible. I am tired of Scott's parents threatening to take us to court when they have no grounds. We can't afford it, and there's no reason, they are just trying to control the situation, as they have always tried to control every aspect of our lives. We have never denied them visits with Ethan nor do we plan on taking him away. We just want his mother to show some accountability as a parent and spend time with her son, because he feels unwanted and we don't know what else to do. Please advise!! Thanks for reading!!!!

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    What Mom does with her visitation time is up to her.

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    And really, you're only the stepparent. There's no "we" to the extent you're suggesting - you're certainly not in charge of anything, including Ethan.

    (I'm a stepparent myself - but I had to learn my place)

    Now with that said, Dad can go to court if Mom is not seeing Ethan AT ALL during her visitation - if she's dropping him off as soon as she picks him up and not seeing him the entire time until she drops him back off at Dad's - that would in fact be a reason to change visitation; but if she is seeing him, spending at least some time with him (like on Sundays), Dad's going to lose. And pay Mom's legal fees, most likely.

    Mom is allowed to use babysitters during her parenting time, including the grandparents.

    As far as lawsuits go, neither Dad nor the grandparents have anything at this point in time - in my opinion. And no, Dad can't just go and pick up Ethan during Mom's parenting time just because Ethan is with the grandparents or a sitter.

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    Uhhhhhh yea I don't think so. Not when we had to go through an expensive custody battle so she could get her weekend visits and now she only spends half the day with her son. So no, that's not acceptable and that's ridiculous to suggest that what she's doing is OK. I was hoping for some actual advice on how to help my stepson and my family but apparently if I'm going to get people siding with the dead beat mother so I guess I've come to the wrong place.

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    And no I'm not "just a step parent" I'M the one raising HER son. And I obviously care more about his interests than his own flesh and blood mother. She's the one pawning her son off on grandparents because she can't handle being a parent. I can't imagine any judge looking kindly on that. Oh not to mention she's two years behind on child support and her third of day care payments. I find it amazing you all just excuse her behavior. If she were a man you'd probably be singing a different tune I'm sure.

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    Child support and visitation are seperate issues

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    Quote Originally Posted by panther10758 View Post
    Child support and visitation are seperate issues
    Yes, I realize they are separate issues. That was just a tidbit more insight on this woman and how selfish she is and how little she cares. I see I've wasted my time here no further comments needed.

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    I made that comment because many who come here assume incorrectly they can lump the two together to build an assumed case. I am sorry if your offended

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    Quote Originally Posted by RB1980 View Post
    And no I'm not "just a step parent" I'M the one raising HER son. And I obviously care more about his interests than his own flesh and blood mother. She's the one pawning her son off on grandparents because she can't handle being a parent. I can't imagine any judge looking kindly on that. Oh not to mention she's two years behind on child support and her third of day care payments. I find it amazing you all just excuse her behavior. If she were a man you'd probably be singing a different tune I'm sure.

    I'm actually being realistic. In the eyes of the court, you are a "legal stranger". You seriously need to look at determine if you're being a little too over-involved in this. Legally, if you get too involved in your husband's custody matters he can eventually lose custody TO MOM - do you really want that? Seriously, IT HAS HAPPENED.

    Stepparents have to be very, very careful when it comes to their spouse's kids.

    I know it's hard - like I said, I'm a stepparent myself - and in the past, I was dreadful. I interfered with my ex's life (the kids) to the point where he almost lost his parenting time and custody. Of course I was a better Mommy! Bio Mom was of course an evil harridan who didn't deserve a lick of water if she was on fire, let alone her kids! So I did what I thought was right - I got completely overinvolved.

    Much later on, after the ex and I broke up (I was just the girlfriend, too - even worse!), I happened to meet up with his ex again.

    We sat down and talked. She treated me with much more grace and dignity than I deserved, but she was gracious enough to acknowledge where I was coming from. We still talk now, actually. But I learned from my mistakes, and I know my place.

    Why am I telling you this? Because you're reacting like every other over-involved stepparent out there (and believe me, I've done it myself). Nobody is excusing Mom's behavior. We're telling you how things work in real life, when Dad actually has to go to court, what the court cares about and what it doesn't care about. Because trust me, the last thing you want is Dad losing custody because the judge thinks his wife is overstepping and trying to get rid of Mom.

    It's actually out of kindness.

    Something for you to think about, perhaps.
    Last edited by Dogmatique; 04-30-2012 at 03:56 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by RB1980 View Post
    Uhhhhhh yea I don't think so. Not when we had to go through an expensive custody battle so she could get her weekend visits and now she only spends half the day with her son. So no, that's not acceptable and that's ridiculous to suggest that what she's doing is OK. I was hoping for some actual advice on how to help my stepson and my family but apparently if I'm going to get people siding with the dead beat mother so I guess I've come to the wrong place.


    ^^^

    This is what I'm talking about. And honestly? On several other legal boards if you came here with your original post, you would have been slaughtered. If answered at all.

    We're nicer here

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    Exclamation Das ist in der Doktor!

    Well, welcome to the wonderful world of divorce,
    ain't love grand ?
    Well would like a long answer ?
    or,
    a short one?
    Yeah, my vote is for a short overly simplified one....
    So, if I understand it, Scott's ex picks the kiddo up and promptly drops him off at G&P's house and splits and does her thing because she's has free child care for the weekend.
    She then returns at her leisure to spend what little bonding time she has left with the little tyke, and along with Grammar's help,they spend some quality time grilling Jr for what ever dirt they think they can drag out of him. Boy, there's a sociopath in the making if ever I saw one !! Does that pretty much sum it up?

    Well, what I have to suggest isn't going to come cheep,
    but neither is psychiatric counseling for Jr. for the twenty years going to come cheep either.
    Or,
    you could opt to let the State do it for you in the form of solitary confinement, I mean, what's a few nickels and dimes between family members anyway? Maybe Scott's parents will chip in for treatment, ya never know unless ya ask right?
    Scott needs to put on his big boy panties and check around for his backbone.
    Have him look in his Mom's purse or maybe it's in his ex's back pocket, what ever, but it is way past time he took it back and started using it.

    First off, I see a visit to an Attorney in Scott's future with the topic of visitation modification being at the top of the list of things to discuss. I'd start with supervised visitation and work your way up.
    You say Scott has told his Dad to back off and knock off the BS?
    Unless you were there to witness this monumental event personally, I suspect you may have gotten a watered down version of how the story went, I'm guessing.
    You say Scott's parents have threatened to take you to court if you won't let them see the boy?
    FOR WHAT? not allowing them to further contort and twist his growing little mind?
    Yeah, that would be cruel and unusual punishment wouldn't it? ok, you could allow them to be there during the supervised visitation hours, and I said hours not days

    Anyway, back to this taking you to court crap, I think they're just trying to blow smoke up your @ss. If they threaten you again, tell them to go ahead. They don't have a leg to stand on, and if the DID find An Attorney that didn't laugh them back out the front door after you go to court and they lose, and they would, I doubt they'd have a pot left to piss in!

    Your husband needs to get that boy away from those three NOW.
    Not tomorrow, not next week, but NOW before they can inflict anymore damage than they already have!
    Ya think?
    Good Luck.

    ..____________
    ~ Those who cannot hear an angry shout,
    may strain to hear a whisper

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    Quote Originally Posted by drruthless View Post
    Well, welcome to the wonderful world of divorce,
    ain't love grand ?
    Well would like a long answer ?
    or,
    a short one?
    Yeah, my vote is for a short overly simplified one....
    So, if I understand it, Scott's ex picks the kiddo up and promptly drops him off at G&P's house and splits and does her thing because she's has free child care for the weekend.
    She then returns at her leisure to spend what little bonding time she has left with the little tyke, and along with Grammar's help,they spend some quality time grilling Jr for what ever dirt they think they can drag out of him. Boy, there's a sociopath in the making if ever I saw one !! Does that pretty much sum it up?

    Well, what I have to suggest isn't going to come cheep,
    but neither is psychiatric counseling for Jr. for the twenty years going to come cheep either.
    Or,
    you could opt to let the State do it for you in the form of solitary confinement, I mean, what's a few nickels and dimes between family members anyway? Maybe Scott's parents will chip in for treatment, ya never know unless ya ask right?
    Scott needs to put on his big boy panties and check around for his backbone.
    Have him look in his Mom's purse or maybe it's in his ex's back pocket, what ever, but it is way past time he took it back and started using it.

    First off, I see a visit to an Attorney in Scott's future with the topic of visitation modification being at the top of the list of things to discuss. I'd start with supervised visitation and work your way up.
    You say Scott has told his Dad to back off and knock off the BS?
    Unless you were there to witness this monumental event personally, I suspect you may have gotten a watered down version of how the story went, I'm guessing.
    You say Scott's parents have threatened to take you to court if you won't let them see the boy?
    FOR WHAT? not allowing them to further contort and twist his growing little mind?
    Yeah, that would be cruel and unusual punishment wouldn't it? ok, you could allow them to be there during the supervised visitation hours, and I said hours not days

    Anyway, back to this taking you to court crap, I think they're just trying to blow smoke up your @ss. If they threaten you again, tell them to go ahead. They don't have a leg to stand on, and if the DID find An Attorney that didn't laugh them back out the front door after you go to court and they lose, and they would, I doubt they'd have a pot left to piss in!

    Your husband needs to get that boy away from those three NOW.
    Not tomorrow, not next week, but NOW before they can inflict anymore damage than they already have!
    Ya think?
    Good Luck.

    ..____________
    ~ Those who cannot hear an angry shout,
    may strain to hear a whisper


    Um...where are you coming from here?!

    There's no LEGAL reason for Dad to even bring this to court unless Mom is not seeing the child AT ALL during her parenting time.

    It doesn't matter what you or Stepmom "think" about Mom and and the grandparents. If there is actual mental abuse going on (and I think you're making WAY more of this than is realistic), Dad would have notified child services, right?

    He hasn't?

    Oh. Then he has NOTHING. There is absolutely no legal reason to even request supervised visitation at this point. There's no proof of anything at all. I'll repeat - Dad has nothing.

    What IS Dad doing about it? Is he teaching the child coping skills? You know, that whole parenting thing?

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    Maybe the good doctor would like to present the legal backing for his opinion?
    The above answer, whatever it is, assumes that no legally binding and enforceable contract or CBA says otherwise. If it does, then the terms of the contract or CBA apply.

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    Quote Originally Posted by cbg View Post
    Maybe the good doctor would like to present the legal backing for his opinion?
    The good doctor would love to present my legal backing but alas that is not possible.
    My thoughts are well known, so to repeat myself would serve no purpose.
    The basis for my opinions were bestowed on me starting at the age of eight and continued to be given until the age of fifteen when I was big enough to take the belt from my fathers hand.
    I carry examples of what is legal and what is good parenting upon my back, and shall do so for the rest of my life.

    Um...where are you coming from here?!
    Where am I coming from you ask ?
    I feel neither need,
    nor obligation for further elaboration as to my place of origination,
    other than to say,
    good day.

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    No offense intended, doctor, just a bit confused. But then I've been up since 4:00 this morning, so maybe I'm not tracking well.
    The above answer, whatever it is, assumes that no legally binding and enforceable contract or CBA says otherwise. If it does, then the terms of the contract or CBA apply.

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    I think drruthless is speaking from his heart rather than a legal perspective.

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    Quote Originally Posted by HRinMA View Post
    I think drruthless is speaking from his heart rather than a legal perspective.
    Agree HRinMA.
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    An anecdote (such as the one I gave) is one thing.

    But making suggestions based on emotion which go directly against the legal reality - I'm sorry, but I just feel that's a little irresponsible even though I know where the doc is coming from on a personal level.

    We have, I feel, a responsibility to the poster to give as much of a realistic view of what to expect in court as we possibly can. I've tried to do that here, and I know it did (unfortunately, and unintentionally) hurt the OP's feelings. I can't unring that bell, but that's why I wrote the other post.

    My posts here have given the OP a realistic and accurate expectation. drruthless's post is not realistic, and will cost Dad time and money and possibly anger the judge and bias the whole thing AGAINST Dad...and that's the very last thing Dad wants.

    To reiterate from the OP's original post, and hopefully put the issue to bed, Dad currently has nothing UNLESS Mom is not spending ANY time with Ethan during her parenting time. Given that's NOT the case (she's spending time with Ethan on the Sundays)...Dad has nothing. There is also no reliable proof of any wrongdoing by the grandparents.

    There is nothing to bring before the court.

    (Though I do agree that the grandparents haven't got a snowball in a hot place's chance of getting GPV in this situation - they're blowing smoke)

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    I'm in a bit of a pickle here. You see, I can understand where the stepmommy is coming from. And she is right- if the mommy wants to spend time with her kid, she should. But she doesn't. Instead she dumps the poor kid at her parent's place. Ok. She's not right in doing that, but it's lot illegal either.
    Her parents are willing to fight in court. Ok, I guess don't fight them?

    I see this poor kid being used as a pawn in this sick and really (really bad cuss word) up game between parents and grandparents. It seems to me that NO ONE cares about this kid for the kid's sake. Instead it's "gimme gimme gimme" and "he's mine!', "NO! he's mine!", NOOO! I said he's MINE!!!" Just a big (really bad cuss word) up game in which this poor kid is going to under up with a really (really bad cuss word) up mental problem.

    As far as I'm concerned, when parents start playing these games they should both lose custody. PERIOD. No one cares about the kid FOR the kid. They only care about the kid for their own personal sake.

    I understand where DR is coming from, and I also understand a few of the others here.
    I don't give a **** about either side. But I have that young man in my prayers. God knows he's gonna need all he can get.
    I don't believe what I write, and neither should you. Information furnished to you is for debate purposes only, be sure to verify with your own research.
    Keep in mind that the information provided may not be worth any more than either a politician's promise or what you paid for it (nothing).
    I also may not have been either sane or sober when I wrote it down.
    Don't worry, be happy.

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    Just a brief reminder:

    This is a LEGAL board. Where folks come for LEGAL information.

    I'm not unsympathetic to the doc's emotions, but the poster has a right to expect us to answer based on law, not emotions.
    The above answer, whatever it is, assumes that no legally binding and enforceable contract or CBA says otherwise. If it does, then the terms of the contract or CBA apply.

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    I just screwed up guys. Cbg made a post, and in an attempt to reply to it I clicked on the wrong button to edit. I tried to back out of that option and I accidentally deleted it. But she is right- this is a legal forum, not a place to express our personal opinions like Dr. & I have done.

    Aside from that, legally, unless the mommy and grandparents are doing anything abusive to the kid, there's is nothing that can be done. So until there is proof or even reasonable suspicion of any physical, verbal or mental/psychological abuse, the daddy and the step mommy's hands are tied.

    I will say, however, the son will remember this when he's an adult. Other than that all we can do is watch.


    Cbg, I'm sorry about deleting your post.
    I don't believe what I write, and neither should you. Information furnished to you is for debate purposes only, be sure to verify with your own research.
    Keep in mind that the information provided may not be worth any more than either a politician's promise or what you paid for it (nothing).
    I also may not have been either sane or sober when I wrote it down.
    Don't worry, be happy.

    http://www.rcfp.org/taping/index.html is a good resource!

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    You didn't delete it, CJ. It's still there.
    The above answer, whatever it is, assumes that no legally binding and enforceable contract or CBA says otherwise. If it does, then the terms of the contract or CBA apply.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Dogmatique View Post
    An anecdote (such as the one I gave) is one thing.

    But making suggestions based on emotion which go directly against the legal reality - I'm sorry, but I just feel that's a little irresponsible even though I know where the doc is coming from on a personal level.

    We have, I feel, a responsibility to the poster to give as much of a realistic view of what to expect in court as we possibly can. I've tried to do that here, and I know it did (unfortunately, and unintentionally) hurt the OP's feelings. I can't unring that bell, but that's why I wrote the other post.

    My posts here have given the OP a realistic and accurate expectation. drruthless's post is not realistic, and will cost Dad time and money and possibly anger the judge and bias the whole thing AGAINST Dad...and that's the very last thing Dad wants.

    To reiterate from the OP's original post, and hopefully put the issue to bed, Dad currently has nothing UNLESS Mom is not spending ANY time with Ethan during her parenting time. Given that's NOT the case (she's spending time with Ethan on the Sundays)...Dad has nothing. There is also no reliable proof of any wrongdoing by the grandparents.

    There is nothing to bring before the court.

    (Though I do agree that the grandparents haven't got a snowball in a hot place's chance of getting GPV in this situation - they're blowing smoke)
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    We'll see you there, my friend!!
    The above answer, whatever it is, assumes that no legally binding and enforceable contract or CBA says otherwise. If it does, then the terms of the contract or CBA apply.

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