Worried dad of three Tennessee

[3lilones]

I am a father of three. I currently reside in KY where I bought a home and have lived for the past four years, but my ex-wife lives in TN. I have returned from deployments to find my children in a sad state. The children who don't know any better sleep on top of sheets covering a large hole in the bed springs among other things. I remedied the matter the next day with new mattresses but that's the least of the concerns. She has either lived with or "dated" more than 23 men in the last four years. She has had several fiancé’s and has moved more than 14 times in the past two years. I took the kids from that during the time I was home (in between deployments) and they lived with me and my fiancé. During this time their grades stabilized and became good, regular medical and dental visits were a routine thing and my son even began to eat vegetables. I left to another deployment and this time the kids went to an entire different state where she was going to have a new life. The new life didn't last long because of a disagreement with her parents and she moved back to TN. For two months these poor children lived in a foreclosed home without power or water and my 5 year old even admitted that they had to poop outside or in the sink. This is but a small piece of information on an ongoing story. As of today my son is mentally ill now thinking he can pick locks and is tough because he has a mow hawk. My daughter wants a boyfriend because she is allowed to hang out with a 10 year old that has one and my youngest has five cavities when 6 months ago he had none. I need to do something about this but don't know how to go about it. Her constant complaint is that I don't pay enough but she doesn't have a job and her new "fiancé", puts his vehicle modification needs above the family’s needs. I don't worry about their clothes or extra items (boy scouts, cheerleading) anymore because I pay for all of that anyway. I wish she would stop throwing away $45 sneakers because she likes the grunge look better. I am worried for the mental stability of the children. I want my sweet little ones back.

[GotSmart]

If you are military, you have resources that you can tap that others do not. I would start either with your immediate supervisor, or the Chaplin.

Either way you will be dealing with lawyers.

[3lilones]

Turns out the Chaplain is useless and JAG doesn't interfere with Civil issues of this manner. My chain of command said I should call on the FRG and if you have ever been military you know how the FRG is, before long it will become a huge international incident and everyone will know all the details of something I would rather keep limited to those involved. I just want her to wake up and realize that every pair of pants that shows her attention is not as important as those children.

[GotSmart]

As the regulars know, I raised three daughters on my own. (single father, full custody) It took a lot to get it done. My lawyer had well over 100 hours in by the time he stopped counting. I ended up doing a lot of construction for him to pay the bill.

I have some recommendations.

1. Document, document, document. Names, dates, photographs. Take pictures of everything. Document the clothing that you send with them, as well as what she sends back.

2. Get married to your fiance', as a married person who owns a good home, is better than someone with a good home living with someone. She will not be their mother, but as your wife she looks much better on paper than as your girlfriend. (Stability)

3. Wake up. Your ex will not listen if she is as you describe. Remember that kids NEVER get the story straight, and can not be depended on to tell an unbiased story. If a judge talks to them, it will be in chambers, and only for a few minutes. (way down the line) A child is still in the "ME" stage, and everything is filtered around their perception of reality.

4. NEVER say anything bad about their mother in front of the kids. They will see who is being real, and who is not. Kids are much smarter than most people give them credit for.

To this day my ex agrees that my taking the children was the best thing that could have happened. She did not feel that way at first.

You can PM me if you would like. If this stays on the board, there are some other excellent members that have been through the legal mill, and can give great advice.

5. Talk to a lawyer.

[3lilones]

Thank you, I am so distressed over this and I can't do anything about it at the moment. I have a good woman at home that takes care of all my needs while I am away. She has been a real trooper through all of this and takes the kids whenever she can without seeming like she is forcing any issue. I have a lawyer but it's very impersonal. I don't think principal and doing the right thing is in anybody’s vocabulary anymore. Nevertheless this is happening and I have a very limited time to be with my children before they no longer want "mommy or daddy" around anymore. My heart hurts for my innocent babies that don't know any better than their mom is teaching them and what my fiancé is attempting to instill. (which are polar opposites by the way)

[GotSmart]

My oldest is 24, and she still wants Dad around. Just not all the time. She lives 400 miles away, and she calls me at odd times just to talk. They will never be little again, so take things as you can. It is the trips to the park, and pick nicks that make the best long term memories. Take pictures.

Sleep on it, and then tomorrow, when you are refreshed, we can discuss.