Trauma after adultery just won't go away. Please help, what can I do?

[paul]

Here's my story. It's not a hoax, though to most people it might seem
a silly thing, it's a huge problem for me and I'd be grateful for your
help - what should I do.

I am a 58 year old male.

20 years ago I had a one night stand with my wife's friend who I will
call Anne.
I became besotted with Anne but she moved on. It remained a one night
stand and we lost touch. My wife had her suspicions about Anne but I
lied. Life went on for 15 years and I forgot about Anne.

Then, after 15 years I began talking to myself, saying out loud "Anne,
I love you" and "Anne, I'd like to f*** you". This came out of nowhere
and, as far as I am aware, nothing triggered it. I was talking out
loud at inappropriate times and then my wife heard me.

I admitted the adultery and she was devastated. She understandably
believes that I am still mentally involved with Anne.

For the last 5 years I have been fighting the urge to talk out loud
and have mostly been keeping it under control. Now, however, the
problem has got worse. I talk out loud, saying the same things (as
above) but I am NOT aware I am doing it (I really don't know I have
spoken - even when it is brought to my attention). You can imagine how
my wife feels about this.

I love my wife and am full of remorse about my previous
unfaithfullness. Anne never crosses my conscious mind - so why, why am
I talking out loud?

I don't have any history of psychological problems and in other ways
am a reasonably stable person.

I thought I may have a variant of tourette syndrome but as far as I
can tell from internet searches this is a childhood illness.

I am ashamed I am talking out loud. I do not want to continually hurt
my wife.

Any help or advice will be gratfully received.

[Supercalifragil Isticexpialidocius]

Well, i guess its not a matter of me just telling you to 'keep your
mouth shut' ! I would go to a Pychiatrist on this one because its
something you dont have any control over . Id hate to see you in a
restaurant with your wife , and you turning to the married lady at back
of you and saying :" Anne, i want to ____ you !" (if her name just
happens to BE anne...then you could end up on a stretcher before you
finish your burger).

[Supercalifragil Isticexpialidocius]

Well, i guess its not a matter of me just telling you to 'keep your
mouth shut' ! I would go to a Pychiatrist on this one because its
something you dont have any control over . Id hate to see you in a
restaurant with your wife , and you turning to the married lady at back
of you and saying :" Anne, i want to ____ you !" (if her name just
happens to BE anne...then you could end up on a stretcher before you
finish your burger).

[tracert]

"paul" <paul222@mail.com> wrote in message
news:f1bb03a0.0502250348.34a0a7b7@posting.google.c om...

Here's my story. It's not a hoax, though to most people it might seem a silly thing, it's a huge problem for me and I'd be grateful for your help - what should I do. I am a 58 year old male. 20 years ago I had a one night stand with my wife's friend who I will call Anne. I became besotted with Anne but she moved on. It remained a one night stand and we lost touch. My wife had her suspicions about Anne but I lied. Life went on for 15 years and I forgot about Anne. Then, after 15 years I began talking to myself, saying out loud "Anne, I love you" and "Anne, I'd like to f*** you". This came out of nowhere and, as far as I am aware, nothing triggered it. I was talking out loud at inappropriate times and then my wife heard me. I admitted the adultery and she was devastated. She understandably believes that I am still mentally involved with Anne. For the last 5 years I have been fighting the urge to talk out loud and have mostly been keeping it under control. Now, however, the problem has got worse. I talk out loud, saying the same things (as above) but I am NOT aware I am doing it (I really don't know I have spoken - even when it is brought to my attention). You can imagine how my wife feels about this. I love my wife and am full of remorse about my previous unfaithfullness. Anne never crosses my conscious mind - so why, why am I talking out loud? I don't have any history of psychological problems and in other ways am a reasonably stable person. I thought I may have a variant of tourette syndrome but as far as I can tell from internet searches this is a childhood illness. I am ashamed I am talking out loud. I do not want to continually hurt my wife.

Consult a neurologist, and a psychiatrist. Maybe you have a brain tumor, or
have had a stroke.

[tracert]

"paul" <paul222@mail.com> wrote in message
news:f1bb03a0.0502250348.34a0a7b7@posting.google.c om...

Here's my story. It's not a hoax, though to most people it might seem a silly thing, it's a huge problem for me and I'd be grateful for your help - what should I do. I am a 58 year old male. 20 years ago I had a one night stand with my wife's friend who I will call Anne. I became besotted with Anne but she moved on. It remained a one night stand and we lost touch. My wife had her suspicions about Anne but I lied. Life went on for 15 years and I forgot about Anne. Then, after 15 years I began talking to myself, saying out loud "Anne, I love you" and "Anne, I'd like to f*** you". This came out of nowhere and, as far as I am aware, nothing triggered it. I was talking out loud at inappropriate times and then my wife heard me. I admitted the adultery and she was devastated. She understandably believes that I am still mentally involved with Anne. For the last 5 years I have been fighting the urge to talk out loud and have mostly been keeping it under control. Now, however, the problem has got worse. I talk out loud, saying the same things (as above) but I am NOT aware I am doing it (I really don't know I have spoken - even when it is brought to my attention). You can imagine how my wife feels about this. I love my wife and am full of remorse about my previous unfaithfullness. Anne never crosses my conscious mind - so why, why am I talking out loud? I don't have any history of psychological problems and in other ways am a reasonably stable person. I thought I may have a variant of tourette syndrome but as far as I can tell from internet searches this is a childhood illness. I am ashamed I am talking out loud. I do not want to continually hurt my wife.

Consult a neurologist, and a psychiatrist. Maybe you have a brain tumor, or
have had a stroke.

[Doug Laidlaw]

paul wrote:

Here's my story. It's not a hoax, though to most people it might seem a silly thing, it's a huge problem for me and I'd be grateful for your help - what should I do. I am a 58 year old male. 20 years ago I had a one night stand with my wife's friend who I will call Anne. I became besotted with Anne but she moved on. It remained a one night stand and we lost touch. My wife had her suspicions about Anne but I lied. Life went on for 15 years and I forgot about Anne. Then, after 15 years I began talking to myself, saying out loud "Anne, I love you" and "Anne, I'd like to f*** you". This came out of nowhere and, as far as I am aware, nothing triggered it. I was talking out loud at inappropriate times and then my wife heard me. I admitted the adultery and she was devastated. She understandably believes that I am still mentally involved with Anne. For the last 5 years I have been fighting the urge to talk out loud and have mostly been keeping it under control. Now, however, the problem has got worse. I talk out loud, saying the same things (as above) but I am NOT aware I am doing it (I really don't know I have spoken - even when it is brought to my attention). You can imagine how my wife feels about this. I love my wife and am full of remorse about my previous unfaithfulness. Anne never crosses my conscious mind - so why, why am I talking out loud? I don't have any history of psychological problems and in other ways am a reasonably stable person. I thought I may have a variant of tourette syndrome but as far as I can tell from internet searches this is a childhood illness. I am ashamed I am talking out loud. I do not want to continually hurt my wife. Any help or advice will be gratfully received.

Paul, I am on the opposite side to "UnwillB etc". I am willing to believe
that one's conscience is there for a useful purpose, and we shouldn't
really need policemen to protect us from amoral types like him.

You have bottled this up for a long time, hidden it from your wife. You
feel guilty. This is normal guilt and is a good sign. When most of us
were churchgoers, we believed in sin, and the guilt which follows. Now we
try to say that we are machines, without a conscience, and we don't need a
conscience any more.

Psychiatrists have never tried to argue that "normal guilt" was anything
else but a healthy reaction. It is not pathological. You feel that you
have let your wife down, You say that you expected the relationship with
Anne to go further, but it didn't.

I would advise you to consult a psychiatrist or marriage guidance counsellor
who shares the values I have outlined. Explore with him your ongoing
feelings about Anne and your feelings towards your wife. More than that I
can't suggest. It is this very feeling of guilt that Christianity offers
an answer for, but if you are like many today, you will prefer the advice
of a professional. You will realize by now that I believe you are a normal
person with a sense of responsibility. Good for you.

Doug.
--
ICQ Number 178748389. Registered Linux User No. 277548.
Imagine all the people living for today.
- John Lennon.

[Doug Laidlaw]

paul wrote:

Here's my story. It's not a hoax, though to most people it might seem a silly thing, it's a huge problem for me and I'd be grateful for your help - what should I do. I am a 58 year old male. 20 years ago I had a one night stand with my wife's friend who I will call Anne. I became besotted with Anne but she moved on. It remained a one night stand and we lost touch. My wife had her suspicions about Anne but I lied. Life went on for 15 years and I forgot about Anne. Then, after 15 years I began talking to myself, saying out loud "Anne, I love you" and "Anne, I'd like to f*** you". This came out of nowhere and, as far as I am aware, nothing triggered it. I was talking out loud at inappropriate times and then my wife heard me. I admitted the adultery and she was devastated. She understandably believes that I am still mentally involved with Anne. For the last 5 years I have been fighting the urge to talk out loud and have mostly been keeping it under control. Now, however, the problem has got worse. I talk out loud, saying the same things (as above) but I am NOT aware I am doing it (I really don't know I have spoken - even when it is brought to my attention). You can imagine how my wife feels about this. I love my wife and am full of remorse about my previous unfaithfulness. Anne never crosses my conscious mind - so why, why am I talking out loud? I don't have any history of psychological problems and in other ways am a reasonably stable person. I thought I may have a variant of tourette syndrome but as far as I can tell from internet searches this is a childhood illness. I am ashamed I am talking out loud. I do not want to continually hurt my wife. Any help or advice will be gratfully received.

Paul, I am on the opposite side to "UnwillB etc". I am willing to believe
that one's conscience is there for a useful purpose, and we shouldn't
really need policemen to protect us from amoral types like him.

You have bottled this up for a long time, hidden it from your wife. You
feel guilty. This is normal guilt and is a good sign. When most of us
were churchgoers, we believed in sin, and the guilt which follows. Now we
try to say that we are machines, without a conscience, and we don't need a
conscience any more.

Psychiatrists have never tried to argue that "normal guilt" was anything
else but a healthy reaction. It is not pathological. You feel that you
have let your wife down, You say that you expected the relationship with
Anne to go further, but it didn't.

I would advise you to consult a psychiatrist or marriage guidance counsellor
who shares the values I have outlined. Explore with him your ongoing
feelings about Anne and your feelings towards your wife. More than that I
can't suggest. It is this very feeling of guilt that Christianity offers
an answer for, but if you are like many today, you will prefer the advice
of a professional. You will realize by now that I believe you are a normal
person with a sense of responsibility. Good for you.

Doug.
--
ICQ Number 178748389. Registered Linux User No. 277548.
Imagine all the people living for today.
- John Lennon.

[Supercalifragil Isticexpialidocius]

'When most of us were churchgoers, we believed in sin, and the guilt
which follows. Now we try to say that we are machines, without a
conscience, and we don't need a conscience any more.'

REPLY: Good analogy on what happens when one puts distance between
himself and the Creator. God gave us a conscience to live by and make
correct decisions by ; but today, the masses suppress it. In Bills
case, i think he has a medical condition if he is as uncontrolled as he
is saying he is. But, ive seen God work instant healing and miracles and
asking him for this is proper.

'I would advise you to consult a psychiatrist or marriage guidance
counsellor who shares the values I have outlined. Explore with him your
ongoing feelings about Anne and your feelings towards your wife

REPLY: Yes...agree.

'It is this very feeling of guilt that Christianity offers an answer
for, but if you are like many today, you will prefer the advice of a
professional.'

REPLY: The real 'professional' is none other than the Creator who
understands you better than you do or that any counsellor can ; deepen
your relationship with him and...see a Counsellor...but be sure you find
a non secular Counsellor, otherwise, you will conflicting opinion to
what the Creator says clearly in his written word to mankind concerning
Sin, guilt, conscience, shame, etc...

[Supercalifragil Isticexpialidocius]

'When most of us were churchgoers, we believed in sin, and the guilt
which follows. Now we try to say that we are machines, without a
conscience, and we don't need a conscience any more.'

REPLY: Good analogy on what happens when one puts distance between
himself and the Creator. God gave us a conscience to live by and make
correct decisions by ; but today, the masses suppress it. In Bills
case, i think he has a medical condition if he is as uncontrolled as he
is saying he is. But, ive seen God work instant healing and miracles and
asking him for this is proper.

'I would advise you to consult a psychiatrist or marriage guidance
counsellor who shares the values I have outlined. Explore with him your
ongoing feelings about Anne and your feelings towards your wife

REPLY: Yes...agree.

'It is this very feeling of guilt that Christianity offers an answer
for, but if you are like many today, you will prefer the advice of a
professional.'

REPLY: The real 'professional' is none other than the Creator who
understands you better than you do or that any counsellor can ; deepen
your relationship with him and...see a Counsellor...but be sure you find
a non secular Counsellor, otherwise, you will conflicting opinion to
what the Creator says clearly in his written word to mankind concerning
Sin, guilt, conscience, shame, etc...

[Doug Laidlaw]

ChimChimery ChimChimery wrote:

'When most of us were churchgoers, we believed in sin, and the guilt which follows. Now we try to say that we are machines, without a conscience, and we don't need a conscience any more.' REPLY: Good analogy on what happens when one puts distance between himself and the Creator. God gave us a conscience to live by and make correct decisions by ; but today, the masses suppress it. In Bills case, i think he has a medical condition if he is as uncontrolled as he is saying he is. But, ive seen God work instant healing and miracles and asking him for this is proper. 'I would advise you to consult a psychiatrist or marriage guidance counsellor who shares the values I have outlined. Explore with him your ongoing feelings about Anne and your feelings towards your wife REPLY: Yes...agree. 'It is this very feeling of guilt that Christianity offers an answer for, but if you are like many today, you will prefer the advice of a professional.' REPLY: The real 'professional' is none other than the Creator who understands you better than you do or that any counsellor can ; deepen your relationship with him and...see a Counsellor...but be sure you find a non secular Counsellor, otherwise, you will conflicting opinion to what the Creator says clearly in his written word to mankind concerning Sin, guilt, conscience, shame, etc...

Yes, but what do you do when the lines of communication are broken? What do
you do for the non-believer? Personally, I don't believe in just giving
him a "referral" to the Creator. I have to do what I can at the
person-to-person level. (James 2:16) As my sig quote from Leslie D.
Weatherhead so eloquently puts it: "Love, even the love of God, is only
mediated through persons."

"Kitchen Table Wisdom" puts it this way (roughly) "In this moment, I am
here. Use me to heal." I am "on the spot", like the Good Samaritan. He
didn't choose to meet the man that day. Life threw the situation at him,
and he responded. Sometimes I have to stop myself rushing in with some
quick answer.

Doug.
--
ICQ Number 178748389. Registered Linux User No. 277548.
A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends.
- Baltasar Gracian.

[Doug Laidlaw]

ChimChimery ChimChimery wrote:

'When most of us were churchgoers, we believed in sin, and the guilt which follows. Now we try to say that we are machines, without a conscience, and we don't need a conscience any more.' REPLY: Good analogy on what happens when one puts distance between himself and the Creator. God gave us a conscience to live by and make correct decisions by ; but today, the masses suppress it. In Bills case, i think he has a medical condition if he is as uncontrolled as he is saying he is. But, ive seen God work instant healing and miracles and asking him for this is proper. 'I would advise you to consult a psychiatrist or marriage guidance counsellor who shares the values I have outlined. Explore with him your ongoing feelings about Anne and your feelings towards your wife REPLY: Yes...agree. 'It is this very feeling of guilt that Christianity offers an answer for, but if you are like many today, you will prefer the advice of a professional.' REPLY: The real 'professional' is none other than the Creator who understands you better than you do or that any counsellor can ; deepen your relationship with him and...see a Counsellor...but be sure you find a non secular Counsellor, otherwise, you will conflicting opinion to what the Creator says clearly in his written word to mankind concerning Sin, guilt, conscience, shame, etc...

Yes, but what do you do when the lines of communication are broken? What do
you do for the non-believer? Personally, I don't believe in just giving
him a "referral" to the Creator. I have to do what I can at the
person-to-person level. (James 2:16) As my sig quote from Leslie D.
Weatherhead so eloquently puts it: "Love, even the love of God, is only
mediated through persons."

"Kitchen Table Wisdom" puts it this way (roughly) "In this moment, I am
here. Use me to heal." I am "on the spot", like the Good Samaritan. He
didn't choose to meet the man that day. Life threw the situation at him,
and he responded. Sometimes I have to stop myself rushing in with some
quick answer.

Doug.
--
ICQ Number 178748389. Registered Linux User No. 277548.
A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends.
- Baltasar Gracian.

[Doug Laidlaw]

Doug Laidlaw wrote:

paul wrote:

Paul, I am on the opposite side to "UnwillB etc". I am willing to believe that one's conscience is there for a useful purpose, and we shouldn't really need policemen to protect us from amoral types like him. You have bottled this up for a long time, hidden it from your wife. You feel guilty. This is normal guilt and is a good sign. When most of us were churchgoers, we believed in sin, and the guilt which follows. Now we try to say that we are machines, without a conscience, and we don't need a conscience any more. Psychiatrists have never tried to argue that "normal guilt" was anything else but a healthy reaction. It is not pathological. You feel that you have let your wife down, You say that you expected the relationship with Anne to go further, but it didn't. I would advise you to consult a psychiatrist or marriage guidance counsellor who shares the values I have outlined. Explore with him your ongoing feelings about Anne and your feelings towards your wife. More than that I can't suggest. It is this very feeling of guilt that Christianity offers an answer for, but if you are like many today, you will prefer the advice of a professional. You will realize by now that I believe you are a normal person with a sense of responsibility. Good for you. Doug.

Perhaps I should add as a rider that I am not necessarily in favour of
"telling all" to one's spouse. As someone said, it makes the erring
partner feel better, but it leaves the spouse with a feeling that their
partner can't be trusted. It may be appropriate to avoid that result. As
I said once before, there are no hard-and-fast rules. In the end it is a
matter of judgment. We can't avoid the responsibility of making decisions
like this. Paul's original post said that his wife already knew, and I
operated within those parameters.

Doug.
--
ICQ Number 178748389. Registered Linux User No. 277548.
Reach high, for stars lie hidden in your soul.
Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal.
- Unknown.

[Doug Laidlaw]

Doug Laidlaw wrote:

paul wrote:

Paul, I am on the opposite side to "UnwillB etc". I am willing to believe that one's conscience is there for a useful purpose, and we shouldn't really need policemen to protect us from amoral types like him. You have bottled this up for a long time, hidden it from your wife. You feel guilty. This is normal guilt and is a good sign. When most of us were churchgoers, we believed in sin, and the guilt which follows. Now we try to say that we are machines, without a conscience, and we don't need a conscience any more. Psychiatrists have never tried to argue that "normal guilt" was anything else but a healthy reaction. It is not pathological. You feel that you have let your wife down, You say that you expected the relationship with Anne to go further, but it didn't. I would advise you to consult a psychiatrist or marriage guidance counsellor who shares the values I have outlined. Explore with him your ongoing feelings about Anne and your feelings towards your wife. More than that I can't suggest. It is this very feeling of guilt that Christianity offers an answer for, but if you are like many today, you will prefer the advice of a professional. You will realize by now that I believe you are a normal person with a sense of responsibility. Good for you. Doug.

Perhaps I should add as a rider that I am not necessarily in favour of
"telling all" to one's spouse. As someone said, it makes the erring
partner feel better, but it leaves the spouse with a feeling that their
partner can't be trusted. It may be appropriate to avoid that result. As
I said once before, there are no hard-and-fast rules. In the end it is a
matter of judgment. We can't avoid the responsibility of making decisions
like this. Paul's original post said that his wife already knew, and I
operated within those parameters.

Doug.
--
ICQ Number 178748389. Registered Linux User No. 277548.
Reach high, for stars lie hidden in your soul.
Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal.
- Unknown.