advice on relationship

[Karen Ray-Stewart]

I have been writing to an ex-boyfriened through e-mail... has anyone
else done this ?? Did you tell your spouse ? Was she/he alright with it ??

Do you think it is alright to chat with a former boy/girlfriend over e-mail
??

Karen

[JWB]

"Karen Ray-Stewart" <karen.ray-stewart@sympatico.ca> wrote in message
news:bN7od.4585$Ro.231153@news20.bellglobal.com...

I have been writing to an ex-boyfriened through e-mail... has anyone else done this ?? Did you tell your spouse ? Was she/he alright with it ?? Do you think it is alright to chat with a former boy/girlfriend over e-mail ??

In most cases, no.

But why are you conversing with him?

[Bill in Co.]

That depends ENTIRELY on you and your spouse, and how much trust and
confidence you have in each other, and your relationship. I don't see
how anybody here can really answer that for you.

Karen Ray-Stewart wrote:

I have been writing to an ex-boyfriened through e-mail... has anyone else done this ?? Did you tell your spouse ? Was she/he alright with it

??

Do you think it is alright to chat with a former boy/girlfriend over

e-mail

?? Karen

[Ellie]

Karen Ray-Stewart wrote:

I have been writing to an ex-boyfriened through e-mail... has anyone else done this ?? Did you tell your spouse ? Was she/he alright with it ?? Do you think it is alright to chat with a former boy/girlfriend over e-mail ??

If you have to ask, no.

[Tracey]

Karen Ray-Stewart wrote:

I have been writing to an ex-boyfriened through e-mail... has anyone else done this ??

Yes.

Did you tell your spouse ?

Yes. If I hadn't felt I could tell my spouse, I wouldn't have been
writing him.

Was she/he alright with it ??

Yes. If he wasn't all right with it, I wouldn't have written him.

Do you think it is alright to chat with a former boy/girlfriendover e-mail ??

Yes, but only if your spouse knows and if you could show your spouse
all of the correspondence. If your spouse doesn't know and you can't
show your spouse all of the correspondence, then, IMO, you shouldn't
be writing them.

Tracey

[WhansaMi]

>Karen Ray-Stewart wrote:

I have been writing to an ex-boyfriened through e-mail... has anyone else done this ?? Did you tell your spouse ? Was she/he alright with it??

e-mail

Sure, as long as it isn't something you hide from your spouse. But, IMO, if
you are hiding a relationship from your spouse, it is wrong.

Sheila

[No Spammmmm]

Why would you not tell your spouse?

Karen Ray-Stewart wrote:

I have been writing to an ex-boyfriened through e-mail... has anyone else done this ?? Did you tell your spouse ? Was she/he alright with it ?? Do you think it is alright to chat with a former boy/girlfriend over e-mail ?? Karen

[mbinro]

If you have to ask..... then maybe you already know the answer.

"Karen Ray-Stewart" <karen.ray-stewart@sympatico.ca> wrote in message news:<bN7od.4585$Ro.231153@news20.bellglobal.com>. ..

I have been writing to an ex-boyfriened through e-mail... has anyone else done this ?? Did you tell your spouse ? Was she/he alright with it ?? Do you think it is alright to chat with a former boy/girlfriend over e-mail ?? Karen

[Karen Ray-Stewart]

"JWB" <jwb3333__remove__@excite.com> wrote in message
news:30cgnjF2t9h16U1@uni-berlin.de...

"Karen Ray-Stewart" <karen.ray-stewart@sympatico.ca> wrote in message news:bN7od.4585$Ro.231153@news20.bellglobal.com...

In most cases, no. But why are you conversing with him?

I found his e-mail and decided to say Hello, I have spoke with other
ex-boyfriends over the years,but this was a more serious relationship then
any of the others were. I have kept friends with most of my ex-boyfriends.
I'm conversing with him because I want to chat, go over old times and have
some questions answered that were left unanswered 5-7 yrs ago.

[Karen Ray-Stewart]

My husband is aware that I have been e-mailing this person.



"WhansaMi" <whansami@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20041121173906.06096.00000629@mb-m21.aol.com...

Karen Ray-Stewart wrote:

??

e-mail

Sure, as long as it isn't something you hide from your spouse. But, IMO, if you are hiding a relationship from your spouse, it is wrong. Sheila

[Karen Ray-Stewart]

I only asked......I did not say that my spouse didn't know, he does know, I
was just asking for opinions as to what others have experienced.
Karen

"mbinro" <mbinro@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:51cf230a.0411220737.19e6cbbf@posting.google.c om...

If you have to ask..... then maybe you already know the answer. "Karen Ray-Stewart" <karen.ray-stewart@sympatico.ca> wrote in message news:<bN7od.4585$Ro.231153@news20.bellglobal.com>. ..

[JWB]

"Karen Ray-Stewart" <karen.ray-stewart@sympatico.ca> wrote in message
news:Sdood.14792$Le1.379935@news20.bellglobal.com. ..

"JWB" <jwb3333__remove__@excite.com> wrote in message news:30cgnjF2t9h16U1@uni-berlin.de...

I found his e-mail and decided to say Hello, I have spoke with other ex-boyfriends over the years,but this was a more serious relationship then any of the others were. I have kept friends with most of my ex-boyfriends. I'm conversing with him because I want to chat, go over old times and have some questions answered that were left unanswered 5-7 yrs ago.

Well, if you and your husband are comfortable with it, go ahead. However,
the fact that you asked here makes me doubt you are both truly comfortable
with it.

Unless kids are involved, I'm not a fan of reaching out to (or being close
friends with) ex's. I just see a tremendous downside to the situation, with
almost zero upside. A bad bet in any circumstance.

To me, part of being faithful (and building trust) is to largely avoid
situations where one can be unfaithful.

[Doug Anderson]

"Karen Ray-Stewart" <karen.ray-stewart@sympatico.ca> writes:

"JWB" <jwb3333__remove__@excite.com> wrote in message news:30cgnjF2t9h16U1@uni-berlin.de...

I found his e-mail and decided to say Hello, I have spoke with other ex-boyfriends over the years,but this was a more serious relationship then any of the others were. I have kept friends with most of my ex-boyfriends. I'm conversing with him because I want to chat, go over old times

Fine.

and have some questions answered that were left unanswered 5-7 yrs ago.

And this suggests you continue to be emotionally involved in that old
relationship. Hence your discomfort with this, and hence your
reluctance to share with your husband.

Look, the fact that you are even asking "Did you tell your spouse?"
and considering whether he would be alright with this should set off
alarm bells with you.

I can't imagine contacting a former girlfriend and having any reason
not to tell my spouse. But that's us.

Doug

[Doug Anderson]

"Karen Ray-Stewart" <karen.ray-stewart@sympatico.ca> writes:

My husband is aware that I have been e-mailing this person.

Then that seems fine.

[*Calinda*]

Doug Anderson wrote in news:jvwtwdkawg.fsf@ethel.the.log:

"Karen Ray-Stewart" <karen.ray-stewart@sympatico.ca> writes:

Then that seems fine.

I'd say yeah, it's fine.. as long as he's not only aware but okay with it.
If he has reservations, I would be respectful of his feelings enough not
to continue with the contact.

--
Cal~

Calinda dot Letter S at Gmail dot com

[JWB]

"*Calinda*" <CalindaDotLetterS@gmailRemove.com> wrote in message
news:Xns95A9875C9CD8519599491@130.133.1.4...

Doug Anderson wrote in news:jvwtwdkawg.fsf@ethel.the.log:

I'd say yeah, it's fine.. as long as he's not only aware but okay with it. If he has reservations, I would be respectful of his feelings enough not to continue with the contact.

agreed. Of course, sometimes situations like this are a kind of power
struggle, as in "I'm not giving up too much of myself..."

[Doug Anderson]

"JWB" <jwb3333__remove__@excite.com> writes:

"*Calinda*" <CalindaDotLetterS@gmailRemove.com> wrote in message news:Xns95A9875C9CD8519599491@130.133.1.4...

agreed. Of course, sometimes situations like this are a kind of power struggle, as in "I'm not giving up too much of myself..."

Yeah. I agree with Calinda too about this, but.

If I wanted to email an old friend (whether I used to have a romantic
attachment or not), and my wife was insecure about it, that would be a
problem. I've never given her reason to not trust me or to be
insecure (it might be different if I had), and I would consider it an
encroachment if she suddenly started worrying. My reaction _wouldn't_
be to stop correspondence, but to start a conversation about why this
correspondence was bothersome.

But this is a personal observation about _our_ relationship, not a
general observation about relationships.

Doug

[JWB]

"Doug Anderson" <ethelthelogremovethis@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:9gr7mlk9ax.fsf@ethel.the.log...

"JWB" <jwb3333__remove__@excite.com> writes:

Yeah. I agree with Calinda too about this, but. If I wanted to email an old friend (whether I used to have a romantic attachment or not), and my wife was insecure about it, that would be a problem.

Yes, it's all in context of the relationship.


I've never given her reason to not trust me or to be

insecure (it might be different if I had), and I would consider it an encroachment if she suddenly started worrying. My reaction _wouldn't_ be to stop correspondence, but to start a conversation about why this correspondence was bothersome. But this is a personal observation about _our_ relationship, not a general observation about relationships.

I agree. That's a lot like my relationship too. But if I were going to give
"general" advice, I'd say keep the "ex's" to a bare minimum, as many times
(I'd say most, actually), it's not as "innocent" as the parties suggest.

[Tai]

Karen Ray-Stewart wrote:

I only asked......I did not say that my spouse didn't know, he does know, I was just asking for opinions as to what others have experienced.

Where is your question coming from? I mean, if you were entirely comfortable
why would it occur to you to wonder if it was appropriate? You say your
husband knows but you don't say if he's happy about it. Is that it? You
think it's innocent but he doesn't and you're at an impasse?

In which case it becomes a relationship issue and not about whether or not,
in general terms, it's a good idea to email old lovers.

Tai

[Tony Miller]

On Sun, 21 Nov 2004 16:29:59 -0500, Karen Ray-Stewart
<karen.ray-stewart@sympatico.ca> wrote:

I have been writing to an ex-boyfriened through e-mail... has anyone else done this ?? Did you tell your spouse ? Was she/he alright with it ?? Do you think it is alright to chat with a former boy/girlfriend over e-mail ??

If you're not married, yes. If you're married, no.

-Tony

--
"If the grass appears to be greener on the other side of the fence, it's time
to fertilize your lawn!"
Want to jump start your marriage? Consider a Marriage Encounter weekend.
Check out http://www.wwme.org for more information.

[Karen Ray-Stewart]

I am comfortable with it, I just wondered what the general opinion is on
this topic. So far it is very mixed. My DH knows this person and they were
friends. Dh's concern is that I will get hurt by this person again, just
by what he tells me. It is all innocent and DH has read the e-mails I have
received.


"Tai" <tainuiti@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:30fb5vF30h72bU1@uni-berlin.de...

Karen Ray-Stewart wrote:

Where is your question coming from? I mean, if you were entirely comfortable why would it occur to you to wonder if it was appropriate? You say your husband knows but you don't say if he's happy about it. Is that it? You think it's innocent but he doesn't and you're at an impasse? In which case it becomes a relationship issue and not about whether or not, in general terms, it's a good idea to email old lovers. Tai

[Tai]

Karen Ray-Stewart wrote:

I am comfortable with it, I just wondered what the general opinion is on this topic. So far it is very mixed. My DH knows this person and they were friends. Dh's concern is that I will get hurt by this person again, just by what he tells me. It is all innocent and DH has read the e-mails I have received.

I see, your husband is just feeling protective of you and that's entirely
reasonable, imo, especially if your ex-bf is someone who manages to create a
bit of a chaos around him, emotionally. So if I were you I'd think about
whether I wanted to, or even could, be drawn into anything beyond pleasant
friendliness. But other than that if it's just casual "Hi, how are you
doing? Last week we went camping." stuff then I don't see any problem with
staying in touch.


Tai

[Seeker]

In article <30fknjF30vottU1@uni-berlin.de>, Tai <tainuiti@yahoo.com>
wrote:

But other than that if it's just casual "Hi, how are you doing? Last week we went camping." stuff then I don't see any problem with staying in touch.

Then why bother? -- why invest time and enrgy in a casual relationship
when I'm sure you have serious ones that could use more attention.
(They are times I think an extraverted feeler is a condraction it
terms!)

ted

[Tai]

Seeker wrote:

In article <30fknjF30vottU1@uni-berlin.de>, Tai <tainuiti@yahoo.com> wrote:

Then why bother? -- why invest time and enrgy in a casual relationship when I'm sure you have serious ones that could use more attention. (They are times I think an extraverted feeler is a condraction it terms!)

Curiosity, mild feelings of interest, a link with the past, maybe..... all
pretty small items but they could have some value to someone. I have some
people I talk to once a year or so but still enjoy staying in touch with
even at that low level. I don't know how frequent the correspondence is
between the OP and her old friend is. Perhaps that's germaine?

Tai

[mbinro]

I see your point of keeping in touch with old fiends to remember the
past. But to have your husband say that he was being controlling...
controlling what? the fact you are talking to old boy friends? you are
being controlling, in fact you are even controlling your old boyfiends
by having them tell you what they are up to. I have a friend that
always used to have to keep in touch with their old bos. All of our
firends knew that she was keeping them around in case the current bo
broke up, or she felt wasn't good enough.

Did you break up with those boyfirends or did they dump you?

If one of my old girlfiends called me up, I most likely would first
think and say "why are you contating me?" I really have no interest in
what they have to say that is why I am not with them.

[Mel n' Oma]

"Karen Ray-Stewart" <karen.ray-stewart@sympatico.ca> wrote in
news:bN7od.4585$Ro.231153@news20.bellglobal.com:

I have been writing to an ex-boyfriened through e-mail... has anyone else done this ?? Did you tell your spouse ? Was she/he alright with it ?? Do you think it is alright to chat with a former boy/girlfriend over e-mail ?? Karen

Even if it's OK with your spouse (probably marginally at best), don't
forget about your ex BF, who may well think you want to fan the embers.
Not fair to them either, might even call it self-serving.

[Karen Ray-Stewart]

"Chris" <x@x.com> wrote in message news:Xns95AA6303DEA2Fxxx@130.133.1.4...

"Karen Ray-Stewart" <karen.ray-stewart@sympatico.ca> wrote in news:bN7od.4585$Ro.231153@news20.bellglobal.com:

Even if it's OK with your spouse (probably marginally at best), don't forget about your ex BF, who may well think you want to fan the embers. Not fair to them either, might even call it self-serving.

NO, don't want to fan the embers...and there are no embers there anyway, at
least on his side, I have some embers, but after hearing from him and
having some questions answered, the embers that were there are growing cold.
He meant alot to me, and want him to know he always will mean something in
my life. Can't have him die without knowing that. My DH is alright with
it, his concern is me hearing something I don't want to know and being
upset, and hurt by it. There are just some questions you need answers to at
some point.

[Tracey]

Karen Ray-Stewart wrote:

There are just some questions you need answers to at some point.

IME, when it comes to failed relationships, that just isn't true.
Especially when the relationship is in the past and there's no
indication that I will have a relationship with that person in the
future. In fact, for me, it's never been 'I need your answers',
it's always been 'I need you to give me the answers that *I* believe
are true.'

Tracey

[Tine]

"Tony Miller" <tony@cigardiary.com> wrote in message
news:slrncq4vnn.ii4.tony@home.cigardiary.com...

On Sun, 21 Nov 2004 16:29:59 -0500, Karen Ray-Stewart <karen.ray-stewart@sympatico.ca> wrote:

it ??

Do you think it is alright to chat with a former boy/girlfriend over

e-mail

?? If you're not married, yes. If you're married, no.

My husband has had a few girlfriends from years ago that he kept in touch
with after he broke up with them. This was long before he met me.

He still talks to those people now we are married. I've read the logs of
conversations - they're fairly infrequent and completely innocent, but I
still feel jealous as hell for some strange reason.

I can't ask him to stop talking to people he's known for years though can I?

There's one person I DID stop him talking to - I feel crap for that but I
didn't trust this person, I trusted my husbands intentions, but I didn't
trust HER to not manipulate him - he'd already cheated on one girl with her,
and having seen how it happened I do believe that the blame was on her, not
him (some women can be incredibly manipulative and considering the
circumstances I can see why he would have clutched at anything - trust me on
this one, I'm not trying to pass blame or anything but it was a bad time in
his life.). We had a few arguments before he cut off contact and I still
feel bad but I really couldn't trust that relationship.

The others are most definately innocent though, so why in a situation like
that would I be 'controlling' over it? I think the problem here is ME being
jealous, not him doing something he's done for years.

--
Tine