Should I tell

[Mr_sbr]

To make a long story short, After 20 yrs of being fairly happily
married I had a 3 month long emotional affair with a woman in a
different city. It became physical just last month, but we mutually
decided to break it off recently because we saw no future in it. It
would be fair to say that I still have strong feelings for her, and
she, I. Now it started for all the usual reasons, felling lonely and
neglected, but I certainly don't use that as an excuse.

My question is should I tell my wife? I don't think there is a chance
she would find out, and it wouldn't be to relieve my own guilt. I
just feel after months of doing the wrong thing, telling her would be
the right thing. We have two teenage children with whom I am a very
active father. I know what I did was unforgivable, but i just think
she should know, I would want to.

[somebody]

Mr_sbr wrote:

To make a long story short, After 20 yrs of being fairly happily married I had a 3 month long emotional affair with a woman in a different city. It became physical just last month, but we mutually decided to break it off recently because we saw no future in it. It would be fair to say that I still have strong feelings for her, and she, I. Now it started for all the usual reasons, felling lonely and neglected, but I certainly don't use that as an excuse. My question is should I tell my wife? I don't think there is a chance she would find out, and it wouldn't be to relieve my own guilt. I just feel after months of doing the wrong thing, telling her would be the right thing. We have two teenage children with whom I am a very active father. I know what I did was unforgivable, but i just think she should know, I would want to.

Get professional advice :P I wouldn't want to be you and tell her
without someone to protect me from being shot.

[Doug Anderson]

mrsbr_175@hotmail.com (Mr_sbr) writes:

To make a long story short, After 20 yrs of being fairly happily married I had a 3 month long emotional affair with a woman in a different city. It became physical just last month, but we mutually decided to break it off recently because we saw no future in it. It would be fair to say that I still have strong feelings for her, and she, I. Now it started for all the usual reasons, felling lonely and neglected, but I certainly don't use that as an excuse. My question is should I tell my wife? I don't think there is a chance she would find out, and it wouldn't be to relieve my own guilt. I just feel after months of doing the wrong thing, telling her would be the right thing.

What would be right about it? I'm not disagreeing with you, but I'm
wondering what your motive is.

We have two teenage children with whom I am a very active father. I know what I did was unforgivable, but i just think she should know, I would want to.

Apart from whether you tell her or not, the right thing to do for the
long-term future is to address the state of your marriage. If you (as
a couple) don't know how to do that alone, then go get marriage
counseling!

Doug

[Ignoramus12052]

If I were in your shoes, which I try very hard not to be, I would not
confeess. Despite that, I would become very contrite and make every
effort possible to make up for this wrongdoing and shower your wife
with attention, thankfulness, love, understanding etc,and also never
sleep around again.

Confession, as such, is not going to help matters.

i

[Exray]

Mr_sbr wrote:
..
| |
| | My question is should I tell my wife? I don't think there is a
| | chance she would find out, and it wouldn't be to relieve my own
| | guilt. I just feel after months of doing the wrong thing, telling
| | her would be the right thing. We have two teenage children with
| | whom I am a very active father. I know what I did was
| | unforgivable, but i just think she should know, I would want to.

You absolutely should NOT tell her. Telling her would be, no matter how you
view it, an effort to assuage your own guilt. You WANT somebody to yell at
you, go see a therapist who might oblige. Telling your wife simply adds
hurt and has no benefit.

You think you'd want to know? Maybe yes, maybe no. What would you do if
you found your wife had fallen for somebody and had until recently been
having an affair? Would you be more attentive to her? I doubt it. I think
you'd simply be angry and hurt. So would she be if you told.

Your punishment is to have to bear this failing alone. The question is
whether you're adult enough to just suck it up, accept that punishment, and
then go on to do your best building a good marriage.

[JWB]

"Mr_sbr" <mrsbr_175@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:659eb625.0410191254.6cc17c4e@posting.google.c om...

To make a long story short, After 20 yrs of being fairly happily married I had a 3 month long emotional affair with a woman in a different city. It became physical just last month, but we mutually decided to break it off recently because we saw no future in it. It would be fair to say that I still have strong feelings for her, and she, I. Now it started for all the usual reasons, felling lonely and neglected, but I certainly don't use that as an excuse. My question is should I tell my wife? I don't think there is a chance she would find out, and it wouldn't be to relieve my own guilt. I just feel after months of doing the wrong thing, telling her would be the right thing. We have two teenage children with whom I am a very active father. I know what I did was unforgivable, but i just think she should know, I would want to.

Don't be so sure she won't find out. Stuff like this is *very* hard to keep
a secret for years and years. And by not telling, you make it *worse* when
she finds out later.

[Cheryl]

On 19 Oct 2004 22:03:00 GMT, Ignoramus12052
<ignoramus12052@NOSPAM.12052.invalid> wrote:

If I were in your shoes, which I try very hard not to be, I would notconfeess. Despite that, I would become very contrite and make everyeffort possible to make up for this wrongdoing and shower your wifewith attention, thankfulness, love, understanding etc,and also neversleep around again.

That's the sure way to tell her!! She'd know in a second if he started
doing all that out of nowhere. Act contrite - for what, she'd
wonder... new thankfulness and showering attention and understanding -
any woman would start rumaging around the guy's email or wallet or
whatever for signs of the other woman, ask friends, ask him. She'd
know for sure.

Sounds like he should address their problems honestly, in order to
solve them. And stop speaking to that other woman! I know you are
because how else would you know she still has feelings for you?
You'll only get over her if you stop speaking to her; she's poison to
your marriage. You'll lose your wife to a woman willing to be with a
lonely married man.

Confession, as such, is not going to help matters.i

[Ignoramus12052]

On Tue, 19 Oct 2004 22:44:59 GMT, Amy <anon@anon.com> wrote:

On 19 Oct 2004 22:03:00 GMT, Ignoramus12052<ignoramus12052@NOSPAM.12052.invalid > wrote:

That's the sure way to tell her!! She'd know in a second if he started doing all that out of nowhere. Act contrite - for what, she'd wonder... new thankfulness and showering attention and understanding - any woman would start rumaging around the guy's email or wallet or whatever for signs of the other woman, ask friends, ask him. She'd know for sure.

I disagree with your opinion. People do change their behavior for many
reasons, not only due to guilt. He does not have to ask like a guilty
puppy, all he needs to do is be a good husband.

Sounds like he should address their problems honestly, in order to solve them. And stop speaking to that other woman! I know you are because how else would you know she still has feelings for you? You'll only get over her if you stop speaking to her; she's poison to your marriage. You'll lose your wife to a woman willing to be with a lonely married man.

I agree with that.

i

Confession, as such, is not going to help matters.i

--

[Tracey]

Mr_sbr wrote:

To make a long story short, After 20 yrs of being fairly happily married I had a 3 month long emotional affair with a woman in a different city. It became physical just last month, but we mutually decided to break it off recently because we saw no future in it. It would be fair to say that I still have strong feelings for her, and she, I. Now it started for all the usual reasons, felling lonely and neglected, but I certainly don't use that as an excuse. My question is should I tell my wife? I don't think there is a chance she would find out, and it wouldn't be to relieve my own guilt. I just feel after months of doing the wrong thing, telling her would be the right thing. We have two teenage children with whom I am a very active father. I know what I did was unforgivable, but i just think she should know, I would want to.

Well, I come at this from a slightly different angle than others
seem to. Having been in your wife's position (my husband had an
emotional then physical affair, but quite a bit longer than yours),
one of the sources of my anger was that my husband acted like the
decision about *our* marriage was *his* alone to make. After his
affair became known and we were in the Twilight Zone of 'Divorce
or try and work it out', at times I was almost incoherent with
rage at him keeping such a secret about himself and the state of
our marriage from me. Like I didn't have the right to know what
kind of man I was married to. Like I didn't have the right to
make my own decision as to whether to stay married to him or not.

There's always the chance (a pretty high chance, too) that your
wife will decide to divorce you for your affair if you tell her.
Your betrayal of her and your wedding vows is/was something that
is over now and you will never repeat <I would hope>. But your
keeping that information from your wife will be an on-going betrayal
for the rest of your and her life.

Tracey

[Buster Van Buren]

"Mr_sbr" <mrsbr_175@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:659eb625.0410191254.6cc17c4e@posting.google.c om...

To make a long story short, After 20 yrs of being fairly happily married I had a 3 month long emotional affair with a woman in a different city. It became physical just last month, but we mutually decided to break it off recently because we saw no future in it. It would be fair to say that I still have strong feelings for her, and she, I. Now it started for all the usual reasons, felling lonely and neglected, but I certainly don't use that as an excuse. My question is should I tell my wife? I don't think there is a chance she would find out, and it wouldn't be to relieve my own guilt. I just feel after months of doing the wrong thing, telling her would be the right thing. We have two teenage children with whom I am a very active father. I know what I did was unforgivable, but i just think she should know, I would want to.

And what would that accomplish? You are a selfish man who only thinks of
himself. By telling her, you would feel "better" and she would be
devastated. It would give you a nice "closure" at her expense. The "right
thing" would have been not to cheat on her....so now you feel
bad...GOOD...you should feel bad. Instead of breaking her heart, why don't
you just try making it up to her by giving her more respect from now on and
talking to her about the fact that you feel lonely and neglected. Put 50%
of the effort you put forth in your affair into recapturing what you've lost
in the marriage and the dividends will roll in.

Buster Van Buren
www.dearbuster.com
www.dearbuster.blogspot.com
buster@dearbuster.com

[Mr_sbr]

I appreciate the insight from all who answered, it certainly gives me
a much needed viewpoint other than my own. One of the earlier post
asked me about my real motive, and Tracy, you nailed it best. I know
this may seem laughable to some of you, but I have always tried to be
the best husband posible and that is what my wife has to judge me by.
In order for her to make an informed decision as to whether or not to
continue with me, she should know the whole picture. This seems fair
to me.

I really do think the easy way to go would to be silent. It would
save everyone invloved a lot of pain, save me a lot of scorn, and as I
said let a fairly happy marrage continue. As far as guilt, I could
probably deal with it in a way to not overwhelm me(that statement
alone probably makes me a bigger A-hole in most of your eyes). But
after months of doing the wrong thing, I just wonder if telling her
would be the start of doing the right thing, no matter what the
ramifications to myself. Don't get me wrong it bothers me when I
think about the ramifications to every one else (wife, kids, family
and friends), but is protecting them a good enough reason not to do
what I'm starting to think whould be the right thing.....telling her.
Thank you again for your insight, it is really appreciated.

Tracey <rbrancher2@aol.com> wrote in message news:<4175D274.90005@aol.com>...

Mr_sbr wrote:

Well, I come at this from a slightly different angle than others seem to. Having been in your wife's position (my husband had an emotional then physical affair, but quite a bit longer than yours), one of the sources of my anger was that my husband acted like the decision about *our* marriage was *his* alone to make. After his affair became known and we were in the Twilight Zone of 'Divorce or try and work it out', at times I was almost incoherent with rage at him keeping such a secret about himself and the state of our marriage from me. Like I didn't have the right to know what kind of man I was married to. Like I didn't have the right to make my own decision as to whether to stay married to him or not. There's always the chance (a pretty high chance, too) that your wife will decide to divorce you for your affair if you tell her. Your betrayal of her and your wedding vows is/was something that is over now and you will never repeat <I would hope>. But your keeping that information from your wife will be an on-going betrayal for the rest of your and her life. Tracey

[The Watsons]

"Mr_sbr" <mrsbr_175@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:659eb625.0410200348.db846b8@posting.google.co m...

I appreciate the insight from all who answered, it certainly gives me a much needed viewpoint other than my own. One of the earlier post asked me about my real motive, and Tracy, you nailed it best. I know this may seem laughable to some of you, but I have always tried to be the best husband posible and that is what my wife has to judge me by. In order for her to make an informed decision as to whether or not to continue with me, she should know the whole picture. This seems fair to me. I really do think the easy way to go would to be silent. It would save everyone invloved a lot of pain, save me a lot of scorn, and as I said let a fairly happy marrage continue. As far as guilt, I could probably deal with it in a way to not overwhelm me(that statement alone probably makes me a bigger A-hole in most of your eyes). But after months of doing the wrong thing, I just wonder if telling her would be the start of doing the right thing, no matter what the ramifications to myself. Don't get me wrong it bothers me when I think about the ramifications to every one else (wife, kids, family and friends), but is protecting them a good enough reason not to do what I'm starting to think whould be the right thing.....telling her. Thank you again for your insight, it is really appreciated.

I'm going to veer off the track and climb out of a window here (and just a
warning: I bypassed your original post, so I'm going off of context here).

From what I understand, you had a very short term affair that was mostly
emotional, and was physical for a month, tops.

Based on that, you have three options as I see them. You can take the guys'
route and not tell her period, which I think is about as scumbag wrong as
you can get. You can take the gals' route and tell her right off, and deal
with the ensuing fallout.

Or my third option...

I believe that an affair in *most cases* isn't the issue itself, I believe
it's symptomatic of an underlying problem in the marriage. And I say this as
a kid whose father had at least three or four affairs that *I* can track by
the time I was 17 (and my mother could tell more), and who has watched other
people have affairs and go through counseling successfully, realize the
marriage was completely wrong and divorce or go through counseling and
successfully repair the marriage.

My thinking is that you need to go in to see your family doc, get tested for
some STDs. If you come up positive, do not pass go and instead go directly
to your wife to tell her-and be prepared to simply hand her your ***. If you
do not come up positive, I think it might be time to wander into a
counselor's office, figure out what it was that tempted you to do this
(because you've mentioned even above that this is a happy, long term
marriage), and once you've figured it out, bring her into it. I think
telling your wife too soon will cause you two to focus on *just* the affair,
and not on any underlying problems. Or an alternative to that-once you find
out you're negative and you have a counselor's appointment lined up, then
you can tell her that in conjuction with the affair. She may very well be
tempted to come in with you.

Hope it works for the best.

Jess

[FakeName]

"Mr_sbr" <mrsbr_175@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:659eb625.0410191254.6cc17c4e@posting.google.c om...

To make a long story short, After 20 yrs of being fairly happily married I had a 3 month long emotional affair with a woman in a different city. It became physical just last month, but we mutually decided to break it off recently because we saw no future in it. It would be fair to say that I still have strong feelings for her, and she, I. Now it started for all the usual reasons, felling lonely and neglected, but I certainly don't use that as an excuse. My question is should I tell my wife? I don't think there is a chance she would find out, and it wouldn't be to relieve my own guilt. I just feel after months of doing the wrong thing, telling her would be the right thing. We have two teenage children with whom I am a very active father. I know what I did was unforgivable, but i just think she should know, I would want to.

I was in the same situation as you are, seven years ago. We'd been married
for ten years at the time. The guilt was eating me alive, I was drinking
too much, unable to sleep, depressed, etc. I drank a bottle of rum one night
one night and confessed.
My husband freaked out. Got a gun, waved it around, threatened to kill
himself (and the other guy), and then told EVERYONE. All of our families,
all of our friends, his employees (he owned a business at the time), our
family physician, the guy on the street. He took our children (oh, he told
the children too) and stayed with his sister for a week. His family all
told him to file for divorce, but he came back, and now, we're doing well.
Things are better now , because we addressed the problems that led me to
stray, but there was a lot of fallout for several years. Are you prepared to
handle it? Many times I think things would have been better if I sucked it
up and never said anything.

[Tracey]

FakeName wrote:

Many times I think things would have been better if I sucked it up and never said anything.

I'm not sure why you think things would have been better if you
had sucked it up. Sounds like your issues would have never been
addressed (or addressed much later), you were on the path to
alcoholism and depression which had a high possibility of ruining
your marriage and you weren't dealing with the guilt well on your
own.

Compare it to the fact that now you're doing well, things are
better in your marriage and you addressed the problems. Doesn't
sound as if things would have better if you had kept quiet to
me.

Tracey

[Tracey]

Mr_sbr wrote:

I appreciate the insight from all who answered, it certainly gives me a much needed viewpoint other than my own. One of the earlier post asked me about my real motive, and Tracy, you nailed it best. I know this may seem laughable to some of you, but I have always tried to be the best husband posible and that is what my wife has to judge me by. In order for her to make an informed decision as to whether or not to continue with me, she should know the whole picture. This seems fair to me. I really do think the easy way to go would to be silent. It would save everyone invloved a lot of pain, save me a lot of scorn, and as I said let a fairly happy marrage continue. As far as guilt, I could probably deal with it in a way to not overwhelm me(that statement alone probably makes me a bigger A-hole in most of your eyes). But after months of doing the wrong thing, I just wonder if telling her would be the start of doing the right thing, no matter what the ramifications to myself. Don't get me wrong it bothers me when I think about the ramifications to every one else (wife, kids, family and friends), but is protecting them a good enough reason not to do what I'm starting to think whould be the right thing.....telling her. Thank you again for your insight, it is really appreciated. Tracey <rbrancher2@aol.com> wrote in message news:<4175D274.90005@aol.com>...

[Doug Anderson]

"The Watsons" <warpedsystems@dcrc.net> writes:

I'm going to veer off the track and climb out of a window here (and just a warning: I bypassed your original post, so I'm going off of context here). From what I understand, you had a very short term affair that was mostly emotional, and was physical for a month, tops. Based on that, you have three options as I see them. You can take the guys' route and not tell her period, which I think is about as scumbag wrong as you can get. You can take the gals' route and tell her right off, and deal with the ensuing fallout.

I mentioned this in the context of jen's post too, but I think only 2
out of 5 men posting on this suggested that he shouldn't tell.

And only about half of the women posting suggested unambiguously that
he should.

So I'm not seeing a "guys' route" and a "gals' route" here myself!


As far as your post, I agree with what I took to be the spirit of it,
which is that dealing with the affair as well as possible and working
on improving the OP's marriage is the real priority, not whether to
"tell" or not.

And, jumping to the hypothetical, if it was me I'd "tell." But then I
wouldn't have had the secret in the first place since if I was going
to sleep with someone else, I wouldn't do it without my wife's
knowledge.

Doug

[Tracey]

Mr_sbr wrote:

I appreciate the insight from all who answered, it certainly gives me a much needed viewpoint other than my own. One of the earlier post asked me about my real motive, and Tracy, you nailed it best. I know this may seem laughable to some of you, but I have always tried to be the best husband posible and that is what my wife has to judge me by. In order for her to make an informed decision as to whether or not to continue with me, she should know the whole picture. This seems fair to me.

I don't think it's laughable. I love my husband for who he is, not
for who I think he is or for some facade that he's put up for me to
love. In fact, looking back, the first year we were married, that's
what I loved, a facade. I know so much more about my husband now
and, while there are things that I don't totally agree with and things
that drive me crazy, it's easier for me to love the imperfect man
that he is than the perfect man he tried to be.

I really do think the easy way to go would to be silent. It would save everyone invloved a lot of pain, save me a lot of scorn, and as I said let a fairly happy marrage continue.

As you said, it's the easy way.

As far as guilt, I could probably deal with it in a way to not overwhelm me(that statement alone probably makes me a bigger A-hole in most of your eyes).

I don't think that. I doubt if you'll find many people who haven't
had to deal with guild in a way to not overwhelm themselves. Doesn't
make them a-holes, just makes them people who are trying to live
their lives in a productive way rather than a destructive way.

But after months of doing the wrong thing, I just wonder if telling her would be the start of doing the right thing, no matter what the ramifications to myself.

Well, IMO, the best way to end a lie is to tell the truth.

Don't get me wrong it bothers me when I think about the ramifications to every one else (wife, kids, family and friends), but is protecting them a good enough reason not to do what I'm starting to think whould be the right thing.....telling her. Thank you again for your insight, it is really appreciated.

I don't know if protecting them is a good enough reason not to tell.
I think it's very subjective and a 'one size fits all' answer won't
do. The issue, the person, how it will affect them, whether it's
really any of their business or not, all sorts of things will affect
my decision when it comes to telling someone something or not. On
this particular issue, though, IMO, it most definitely is your
wife's business.

Another part of this, for me at least, is not wanting to be seen
as something that I'm not. I couldn't go through life being seen
as the totally faithful wife when I haven't been. (No, this is not
a confession. :P )I want to be seen as I am and if my husband doesn't
love me for who I am, then the love would feel fake somehow.

Tracey

[The Watsons]

"Doug Anderson" <ethelthelogremovethis@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:yslle1e1i8.fsf@ethel.the.log...

I mentioned this in the context of jen's post too, but I think only 2 out of 5 men posting on this suggested that he shouldn't tell.

I originally skipped the thread and then came back to it for some reason; I
got the impression from the post I did pay attention to that it was a pretty
even split.

As far as your post, I agree with what I took to be the spirit of it, which is that dealing with the affair as well as possible and working on improving the OP's marriage is the real priority, not whether to "tell" or not. And, jumping to the hypothetical, if it was me I'd "tell." But then I wouldn't have had the secret in the first place since if I was going to sleep with someone else, I wouldn't do it without my wife's knowledge.

Same here, and there wouldn't be the issue of an STD because there would
have been protection all the way around. But that's just me being crazy, I
guess. And there's no more coffee left.

Damn.

Jess

[Doug Anderson]

Tracey <rbrancher2@aol.com> writes:

(snip)

I don't know if protecting them is a good enough reason not to tell. I think it's very subjective and a 'one size fits all' answer won't do. The issue, the person, how it will affect them, whether it's really any of their business or not, all sorts of things will affect my decision when it comes to telling someone something or not. On this particular issue, though, IMO, it most definitely is your wife's business.

I like every sentence in this paragraph.

(snip)

[Emma Anne]

Mr_sbr <mrsbr_175@hotmail.com> wrote:

I know what I did was unforgivable, but i just think she should know, I would want to.

I do see why so many people say keep it to yourself. But one problem I
always see is what does that do to the rest of your lives together? You
have a big secret you have to keep. And the nature of a secret is that
a little part of you has to always be guarding it. There are things you
can't talk about; things you have to steer conversations away from.
Your marriage already had big problems (or you wouldn't have had an
affair) and adding this to it can only make it more isolated and less
emotionally intimate.

The other big problem I see is the one Tracy described so well - the
unfairness of deciding for another person what they get to know about
their spouse and what decision they get to make.

One last point - you say she won't find out. I wouldn't be so sure
about that. Things do get found out. Also, she's known you for a long
time. She might well already know that *something* is wrong, that there
is *something* you are not telling her.

[Jennifer]

"The Watsons" <warpedsystems@dcrc.net> wrote in message
news:Y6vdd.5910$SW3.2603@fed1read01...

Based on that, you have three options as I see them. You can take the

guys'

route and not tell her period, which I think is about as scumbag wrong as you can get. You can take the gals' route and tell her right off, and deal with the ensuing fallout.

Hey hey hey! Weren't there ladies here, aside from myself, who think
silence is the best choice? Please don't frame this in guys v. gals, b/c I
don't fit into the "gals" box here (if there is one).

Jennifer

[The Watsons]

"Jennifer in Maryland" <JenPam2003@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:7YadnQfMB-YFk-rcRVn-3g@comcast.com...

Hey hey hey! Weren't there ladies here, aside from myself, who think silence is the best choice? Please don't frame this in guys v. gals, b/c I don't fit into the "gals" box here (if there is one).

For horses. No clue-I was responding to one post deep in a thread I'd
mostly ignored.

Jess

[Mr_sbr]

Tracey <rbrancher2@aol.com> wrote in message news:<4176A301.5040800@aol.com>...

Mr_sbr wrote:

I don't think it's laughable. I love my husband for who he is, not for who I think he is or for some facade that he's put up for me to love. In fact, looking back, the first year we were married, that's what I loved, a facade. I know so much more about my husband now and, while there are things that I don't totally agree with and things that drive me crazy, it's easier for me to love the imperfect man that he is than the perfect man he tried to be.

As you said, it's the easy way.

I don't think that. I doubt if you'll find many people who haven't had to deal with guild in a way to not overwhelm themselves. Doesn't make them a-holes, just makes them people who are trying to live their lives in a productive way rather than a destructive way.

Well, IMO, the best way to end a lie is to tell the truth.

I don't know if protecting them is a good enough reason not to tell. I think it's very subjective and a 'one size fits all' answer won't do. The issue, the person, how it will affect them, whether it's really any of their business or not, all sorts of things will affect my decision when it comes to telling someone something or not. On this particular issue, though, IMO, it most definitely is your wife's business. Another part of this, for me at least, is not wanting to be seen as something that I'm not. I couldn't go through life being seen as the totally faithful wife when I haven't been. (No, this is not a confession. :P )I want to be seen as I am and if my husband doesn't love me for who I am, then the love would feel fake somehow. Tracey

Again, thanks for all of the responces, and Tracy I especially
appreciate your insight. Your responce seems to be similar to what I
have been thinking in the abstract, you have made it more concrete and
easier for me to see the right thing. While a few responces have been
pretty judgemental (believe it I know I deserve it), you have looked
beyond the crime and put a human face on the situation, thanks.

Also, for some of the other posters, I always used protection when
with the "other woman".

[Auntie Em]

On 19 Oct 2004 13:54:36 -0700, mrsbr_175@hotmail.com (Mr_sbr) wrote:

To make a long story short, After 20 yrs of being fairly happilymarried I had a 3 month long emotional affair with a woman in adifferent city. It became physical just last month, but we mutuallydecided to break it off recently because we saw no future in it. Itwould be fair to say that I still have strong feelings for her, andshe, I. Now it started for all the usual reasons, felling lonely andneglected, but I certainly don't use that as an excuse.My question is should I tell my wife? I don't think there is a chanceshe would find out, and it wouldn't be to relieve my own guilt. Ijust feel after months of doing the wrong thing, telling her would bethe right thing. We have two teenage children with whom I am a veryactive father. I know what I did was unforgivable, but i just thinkshe should know, I would want to.

By telling her you hurt her twice. Once in the action and once by
telling her.

What could you possibly think will come of this confession other than
extreme pain for both your wife and your children? It serves no good
purpose.

Em
Be careful what you wish for....

[BottleRocket]

mbjq@earthlink.net (Emma Anne) wrote in message news:<1glyqkq.1r93vgu62qgupN%mbjq@earthlink.net>.. .

Mr_sbr <mrsbr_175@hotmail.com> wrote:

I do see why so many people say keep it to yourself. But one problem I always see is what does that do to the rest of your lives together? You have a big secret you have to keep. And the nature of a secret is that a little part of you has to always be guarding it.
There are things you can't talk about; things you have to steer conversations away from.

We've had these discussions before. There are things going on in my
head that
my wife is not privy too. I don't find that in itself a burden. This
particular secret would be tough to keep and I don't know how it
couldn't have some impact on the relationship, but I believe it would
subside over time. Whatever impact it would have would be far less
than revealing that I had an affair.

Your marriage already had big problems (or you wouldn't have had an affair) and adding this to it can only make it more isolated and less emotionally intimate. The other big problem I see is the one Tracy described so well - the unfairness of deciding for another person what they get to know about their spouse and what decision they get to make.

To me this is where a one time deal is much different than an ongoing
affair or series of affairs. I don't think one mistake at a weak
moment fundamentally changes who a person is, but it would sure stick
in the mind of the spouse if they were to find out. In statistics it
is common practice to throw out the "outliers". So in a way, Tracy's
point is another reason not to tell, because it will be difficult for
the spouse to look past this one incident and judge the person as a
whole.

One last point - you say she won't find out. I wouldn't be so sure about that. Things do get found out. Also, she's known you for a long time. She might well already know that *something* is wrong, that there is *something* you are not telling her.

She might find out and then he's got to deal with it. People say that
it's much worse if the person cheated on finds out from somebody else.
It's bad no matter who they find it out from. Cheating is a serious
breach of trust. Confessing doesn't restore that trust and may not
mean a damn thing to the person who was cheated on.

I can also imagine that there are plenty of situations where it would
never be found out.

[BottleRocket]

Tracey <rbrancher2@aol.com> wrote in message news:<41769B63.3030501@aol.com>...

FakeName wrote:

I'm not sure why you think things would have been better if you had sucked it up. Sounds like your issues would have never been addressed (or addressed much later), you were on the path to alcoholism and depression which had a high possibility of ruining your marriage and you weren't dealing with the guilt well on your own. Compare it to the fact that now you're doing well, things are better in your marriage and you addressed the problems. Doesn't sound as if things would have better if you had kept quiet to me. Tracey

Yeah, that's how it worked out, but the man was waving a gun around,
it sounds like it could have easily turned out a _lot_ worse.

She was being eaten alive by the guilt, in which case she maybe she
had no choice but to tell. But what if you're able to get past the the
guilt? I honestly don't know whether I could get past the guilt or
not, but telling to me obviously puts the marriage at great risk. Not
telling has it own risks to be sure.

[Tracey]

BottleRocket wrote:

Tracey <rbrancher2@aol.com> wrote in message news:<41769B63.3030501@aol.com>...

Yeah, that's how it worked out, but the man was waving a gun around, it sounds like it could have easily turned out a _lot_ worse.

Would haves, could haves. This poster's situation didn't turn
tragic so to say that she shouldn't have told because it could
have turned out worse is a bit silly, I think.

Her overall situation is much better now than it was, from what
she has said. She went through a comparatively <in the larger
scheme of things> short period of ickiness and now is happy. To
say that she shouldn't have told so that period of ickiness never
happened is to ignore the fact that she's happy *now*. Especially
when you take into account her description of what her life was
like before she told.

She was being eaten alive by the guilt, in which case she maybe she had no choice but to tell. But what if you're able to get past the the guilt? I honestly don't know whether I could get past the guilt or not, but telling to me obviously puts the marriage at great risk. Not telling has it own risks to be sure.

Of course telling puts the marriage at great risk. Not telling puts
the marriage at great risk. Having an affair puts the marriage at
great risk. I don't see your point, really.

Look, I'm sort of a dabbler in legal shows. There's a recurrent
theme in them. A person does one thing that puts something in their
life at risk. They embezzle some money, they lose all of their
money gambling, they have an affair, they used to use drugs, etc.,
and, if that fact about them becomes public knowledge, then a part
of their life as they know it will be over. So, what then happens
is that that person takes some sort of steps to make sure that that
fact will not come out. They kill the person who knows, they burn
down a business so the records are lost, they do whatever it takes
to make sure that knowledge doesn't get out. At the end of the show,
what you see is that person is now headed to jail for a long time or
to deathrow when, if they had owned up to the original action, the
punishment or loss would have been much less. As a frequent watcher
of these shows, it makes no sense to me and it legally makes no sense
to compound the crimes in that way.

Now, I know that TV shows aren't directly applicable to real life
situations and comparing murdering someone so that your secret
doesn't become public knowledge isn't the same thing as telling
your spouse about an affair that you had but the concept of 'Don't
dig yourself in any deeper than you already are' is, IMO. Someone
has an affair. That's an action that puts their marriage at risk.
To then say that telling their spouse about the affair is putting
their marriage at risk is, IMO, ignoring the original risk-taking
and an attempt to justify keeping quiet. And I don't think it will
go very far if someone tells their spouse 'I didn't tell you because
I didn't want to lose you' 6 months, a year, five years, etc., down
the line.

I know that I have a little different spin on things than others
do because of my own experience. I guess being in a situation where
I had very important information about my husband and my marriage
kept from me for a long time has made me adamant that a person
shouldn't do that to their spouse.

Tracey

[Tracey]

BottleRocket wrote:

But what if you're able to get past the the guilt?

Sorry, got interrupted and lost my train of thought. Hehe.

What if the cheating spouse is able to get past the guilt without
telling their spouse? To me, that's only relevant if you <generic>
are of the belief that your marriage is yours alone. I don't quite
understand how many people, here and out in the non-internet world,
will, OOH, go on and on about how marriage is a partnership but
then advocate treating marriage as if it's one person's alone to
decide about.

My husband got the shock of his life, I think, when, in one of our
early discussions I made the statement that he needed to decide if
he wanted to remain married to me AND I needed to decide if I wanted
to remain married to him. For some reason, he seemed to have ignored
the fact that he was not the only one who could choose to end our
marriage and seemed to think that whether our marriage continued or
not was his decision only.

Tracey

[WhansaMi]

>BottleRocket wrote:

Sorry, got interrupted and lost my train of thought. Hehe. What if the cheating spouse is able to get past the guilt withouttelling their spouse? To me, that's only relevant if you <generic>are of the belief that your marriage is yours alone. I don't quiteunderstand how many people, here and out in the non-internet world,will, OOH, go on and on about how marriage is a partnership butthen advocate treating marriage as if it's one person's alone todecide about.My husband got the shock of his life, I think, when, in one of ourearly discussions I made the statement that he needed to decide ifhe wanted to remain married to me AND I needed to decide if I wantedto remain married to him. For some reason, he seemed to have ignoredthe fact that he was not the only one who could choose to end ourmarriage and seemed to think that whether our marriage continued ornot was his decision only.Tracey

Tracey, I guess what I hear people saying here is that they already have made
that decision -- that they wouldn't leave based on one indiscretion, no matter
what. That's a valid perspective, albeit one I don't share.

I did stay in a marriage where there was infidelity (as well as a whole host of
other issues), largely because I didn't want my kids to come from a broken
home.... and yes, because I didn't want a failed marriage. My ex did not tell
me; I found out on my own. His lack of honesty with me was one of the major
obstacles in our ever being able to put the marriage back together again. I
don't know if we could have ever made the marriage work. I do know that his
unwillingness to be honest with me prevented it from ever getting to the stage
of trying.

Sheila

[Tracey]

BottleRocket wrote:

We've had these discussions before. There are things going on in my head that my wife is not privy too. I don't find that in itself a burden.

I don't babble every thought that passes through my head to my
husband either (although he might disagree with that :P ), and I'm sure
there are thoughts he has that he doesn't share with me. And, if I
knew them all, I'd probably be very grateful he doesn't share them
with me. But we're not talking about a random 'Man, that new man/
woman at work is HOT!' thought that passes through your head. My
husband knows that I find Keith Hamilton Cobb from 'Andromeda'
almost painfully attractive <especially when his hair was long.
Drool!! :P~> He doesn't know that, when we were having our troubles,
I found myself attracted to a co-worker/friend of his who would
occasionally come to our house. I dealt with that myself, I did
nothing that, in any way, violated our vows and there's no reason
for him to have known it then or now.

This particular secret would be tough to keep and I don't know how it couldn't have some impact on the relationship, but I believe it would subside over time.

I don't know. I, personally, don't believe it would subside for me.
Every time I got an anniversary card extolling my virtues as a wife
< :P > or heard my husband make a statement about how we were best
friends or the trust he had in me, etc., I would feel guilty all over
again.

Whatever impact it would have would be far less than revealing thatI had an affair.

I don't get this kind of thinking. 'I did something wrong but if
I tell someone about it, the consequences will be bad so I just
won't tell.' I get pretty angry when my children cover up something
they did and their punishment is consequently higher than it would
have been if they had just told us when it happened. I've seen
countless people get in much bigger trouble after they've done
something wrong when they didn't immediately 'fess up. I've had
quite a few instances in my own life where, if I had kept quiet,
I would have gotten slammed later on when the truth had came out
but because I spoke up right away, the consequences were much
less and I was even helped out of the trouble I got myself in.

My husband found out when he tried to break off the affair before
I ever knew about it, he couldn't break it off and nothing got
better between us. But when I knew what was going on, it suddenly
got lots easier for him to deal with what he needed to deal with.
He had me to back him up and give him support when he needed it.
It was hell on me, but it was impossible for him to do what he
needed to do without me knowing what was going on.

To me this is where a one time deal is much different than an ongoing affair or series of affairs. I don't think one mistake at a weak moment fundamentally changes who a person is, but it would sure stick in the mind of the spouse if they were to find out. In statistics it is common practice to throw out the "outliers". So in a way, Tracy's point is another reason not to tell, because it will be difficult for the spouse to look past this one incident and judge the person as a whole.

But, if someone doesn't tell, their spouse isn't able to judge them
as a whole person either. They're judging their spouse based on lies
and a facade. And, well, it's not anyone else's decision to make as
to how another person judges another. If I had chosen to judge my
husband as a liar and a cheat and a person I didn't want to remain
married to based on his affair, that's *my* decision to make. Not
one that he has the right to make for me.

She might find out and then he's got to deal with it. People say that it's much worse if the person cheated on finds out from somebody else. It's bad no matter who they find it out from. Cheating is a serious breach of trust. Confessing doesn't restore that trust and may not mean a damn thing to the person who was cheated on.

And that's a decision that *that person* gets to make. It's not mine
to make for you, it's not my husband's to make for me.

I can also imagine that there are plenty of situations where it would never be found out.

There are lots of things about me that not everyone knows. They have
no reason to know them. My interactions with them doesn't require that
they know them. My relationship with them doesn't require that they
know them. My spouse, OTOH, has a much larger area of 'need to know'
than everyone else.

Tracey