My insecurities? Please help

[Aubrey Hemler]

On Tue, 13 Jul 2004 15:11:21 GMT, Doug Anderson wrote:

OK, so what you are saying is that what she has done in the past is more important to you than who she is now, and your relationship with her now.

No, just that the thought of her with other men drives me totally batty.
There have been times, during lovemaking, when the image of her with past
men pops into my head and I'm unable to finish.

It drives me crazy.

If I were you, I would be concentrating on the fact that this wonderful woman has chosen to be with _me_ now, and that is what woul count.

She told me she dated the older guy because it was, "Someone that just
happened to look my way". She was in a bad relationship at the time and
left it for the older guy.

I then went on to assume that I was just someone that looked her way, too.

I find expecting her to have been faithful to you before she met you bizarre, and don't understand it at all, but it is your decision to make.

It's more the fact that something I thought was special and unique turned
out to be a farce. All those times joking with her about my age...I feel
like a schmuck...I feel humiliated.

It suggests to me though that although you've spent more years on earth than your girlfriend, you might not be the "grown-up" in this relationship.

I wouldn't disagree with that...I'm finding.

[Doug Anderson]

Aubrey Hemler <ah.emler@nospammers.net> writes:

On Tue, 13 Jul 2004 15:11:21 GMT, Doug Anderson wrote:

No, just that the thought of her with other men drives me totally batty. There have been times, during lovemaking, when the image of her with past men pops into my head and I'm unable to finish. It drives me crazy.

She told me she dated the older guy because it was, "Someone that just happened to look my way". She was in a bad relationship at the time and left it for the older guy. I then went on to assume that I was just someone that looked her way, too.

It's more the fact that something I thought was special and unique turned out to be a farce. All those times joking with her about my age...I feel like a schmuck...I feel humiliated.

I wouldn't disagree with that...I'm finding.

Look. Is being with her good? Is it really good? Does she find it
really good also?

If "yes," be grateful, this is what most people _want_.

If "no," break up with her and find someone else.

You recognize that your problems center around your insecurities, not
around your relationship. If you can't find a way to get over these
insecurities, I predict they will not only destroy this particular
relationship, but will damage all future ones as well.

I realize getting over insecurities is harder than having someone slap
you upside the head and tell you "get over it" (which I admit is
essentially what I've been doing). But if you want to live a good
life, it is probably essential that you find _some_ way to get over
this sort of insecurity.

Doug

[JWB]

"Aubrey Hemler" <ah.emler@nospammers.net> wrote in message
news:gjiloa30vw8b.t3n0y8mcrtik$.dlg@40tude.net...

On Tue, 13 Jul 2004 15:11:21 GMT, Doug Anderson wrote:

No, just that the thought of her with other men drives me totally batty. There have been times, during lovemaking, when the image of her with past men pops into my head and I'm unable to finish. It drives me crazy.

well, she's been with other men. If you can't learn to deal with this, you
have no hope in this (or any) relationship.

[Suzanne]

>

I realize getting over insecurities is harder than having someone slap you upside the head and tell you "get over it" (which I admit is essentially what I've been doing). But if you want to live a good life, it is probably essential that you find _some_ way to get over this sort of insecurity.

Is it insecurity, or is it jealousy? I've been dealing with the same thing
and I think it's more the latter, at least on my part. Maybe in order to
have jealous feelings, there has to be some insecurity present... who knows.

My husband has a child with his ex-wife and it's been hard accepting the
bond that they share and how she came into this world. He delivered her and
when I hear him talking about it, I have to grin and bear it. I can't stand
the thought that he shared this with this other woman. It drives me crazy,
although I'm learning with time, to deal with it. It's either deal, or
leave and I'm not about to let something that I can't change, ruin my
future. I love him too much.

Ironically, what I have a harder time dealing with, are the women that he
casually dated, in between his divorce and when he met me.

He was the first man in my adult life, that I had a normal dating
relationship with. I married my first husband, fresh out of high school and
was married to him, until my mid-thirties. I don't know if that has
anything to do with the coping issue, but I think in some ways, the lack of
experience on my part, does affect how I deal with certain things.

Live, learn and grow, that's my motto right now.

Suzanne

[Doug Anderson]

" Suzanne" <jsnobles@sbcglobal.net> writes:

I realize getting over insecurities is harder than having someone slap you upside the head and tell you "get over it" (which I admit is essentially what I've been doing). But if you want to live a good life, it is probably essential that you find _some_ way to get over this sort of insecurity. Is it insecurity, or is it jealousy? I've been dealing with the same thing and I think it's more the latter, at least on my part. Maybe in order to have jealous feelings, there has to be some insecurity present... who knows.

Certainly insecurity is related to jealousy.

But if you are upset about relationships in the past which are not
ongoing, then that is clearly insecurity and not jealousy.

My husband has a child with his ex-wife and it's been hard accepting the bond that they share and how she came into this world. He delivered her and when I hear him talking about it, I have to grin and bear it. I can't stand the thought that he shared this with this other woman. It drives me crazy, although I'm learning with time, to deal with it. It's either deal, or leave and I'm not about to let something that I can't change, ruin my future. I love him too much.

To the extent to which you are upset about your husband's current
relationship with his ex-wife, that is jealousy. The extent to which
you are upset about the relationship he _used_ to have with his wife
is insecurity.

Ironically, what I have a harder time dealing with, are the women that he casually dated, in between his divorce and when he met me.

This is insecurity. Remember, he picked _you_ not them!

[Suzanne]

"Doug Anderson" <ethelthelogremovethis@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:LSUIc.63700$JR4.60789@attbi_s54...

" Suzanne" <jsnobles@sbcglobal.net> writes:

thing

and I think it's more the latter, at least on my part. Maybe in order

to

have jealous feelings, there has to be some insecurity present... who

knows.

Certainly insecurity is related to jealousy.

If you tell me I have low self-esteem next, I'm going to cry. Just
teasing - I'm sure they have a lot to do with one another.

But if you are upset about relationships in the past which are not ongoing, then that is clearly insecurity and not jealousy.

and

when I hear him talking about it, I have to grin and bear it. I can't

stand

the thought that he shared this with this other woman. It drives me

crazy,

although I'm learning with time, to deal with it. It's either deal, or leave and I'm not about to let something that I can't change, ruin my future. I love him too much. To the extent to which you are upset about your husband's current relationship with his ex-wife, that is jealousy. The extent to which you are upset about the relationship he _used_ to have with his wife is insecurity.

Then call me insecure, because it's the past relationship that gets me more
than the present. There isn't much of a relationship there, although
they've remained on good terms, because of their daughter.

he

casually dated, in between his divorce and when he met me. This is insecurity. Remember, he picked _you_ not them!

Yeah, yeah, yeah... I know. Luckily, he didn't sleep with any of them. My
insecure/jealous self would probably have gone over the edge by now.

Seriously, these are all new feelings for me to be dealing with. I *am*
dealing with them, by the way. I have a brain fart every once in awhile and
I let it get the better of me, but my husband for whatever reason,
understands and helps me deal with it. I'm proud to say that the farts are
becoming few and far between.

I have learned one thing - being with someone who has a past, especially one
that produced a child, isn't easy. Actually, it's one of the hardest things
I've ever had to deal with. I never had many friends who had become second
wives, so I never heard the war stories. It ain't nothing to sneeze at - at
least not for me.

Suzanne

[Doug Anderson]

" Suzanne" <jsnobles@sbcglobal.net> writes:

"Doug Anderson" <ethelthelogremovethis@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:LSUIc.63700$JR4.60789@attbi_s54...

thing

to

knows.

If you tell me I have low self-esteem next, I'm going to cry. Just teasing - I'm sure they have a lot to do with one another.

and

stand

crazy,

Then call me insecure, because it's the past relationship that gets me more than the present. There isn't much of a relationship there, although they've remained on good terms, because of their daughter.

he

Yeah, yeah, yeah... I know. Luckily, he didn't sleep with any of them. My insecure/jealous self would probably have gone over the edge by now. Seriously, these are all new feelings for me to be dealing with. I *am* dealing with them, by the way. I have a brain fart every once in awhile and I let it get the better of me, but my husband for whatever reason, understands and helps me deal with it. I'm proud to say that the farts are becoming few and far between. I have learned one thing - being with someone who has a past, especially one that produced a child, isn't easy. Actually, it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I never had many friends who had become second wives, so I never heard the war stories. It ain't nothing to sneeze at - at least not for me.

Think of it this way. Do you like your husband the way he is? If so,
that's good - since he already has a past, he may be done going
through big changes. And you being married to him is an avenue for
your own growth.

On the other hand, if he had no past, you would have to anticipate him
going through big life changes at some point (and maybe soon). You
might not like him so well afterwards!

To paraphrase Oscar Wilde (and Monty Python): "The only thing worse
than having a past is not having one."

Doug

[Suzanne]

> >

I have learned one thing - being with someone who has a past, especially

one

that produced a child, isn't easy. Actually, it's one of the hardest

things

I've ever had to deal with. I never had many friends who had become

second

wives, so I never heard the war stories. It ain't nothing to sneeze

at - at

least not for me. Think of it this way. Do you like your husband the way he is? If so, that's good - since he already has a past, he may be done going through big changes. And you being married to him is an avenue for your own growth. On the other hand, if he had no past, you would have to anticipate him going through big life changes at some point (and maybe soon). You might not like him so well afterwards!

Omigod... I had typed something so similar to this and I deleted it, before
I sent my last post. My ex husband had no past and he cheated on me, after
16 years of marriage. The typical mid-life crisis.

Talk about turning something around in your mind! I'm sitting her smiling
right now, thinking how silly it would sound if I ran up to my husband when
he got home and thanked him for sleeping with other women. Never thought
I'd utter those words!

Suzanne