Rules for a Happy Marriage

[Whisper]

I was going thru some old emails from when my Hubby and I were planning out
wedding ..found this..thought I would share.. author unknown...

Kass

Rules for a Happy Marriage


Never both be angry at the same time.
Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire.
If one of you HAS to win an argument, let it be your mate.
If you have to criticize, do it lovingly.
Never bring up mistakes of the past.
Neglect the whole world rather than each other.
Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled.
At least once every day try to say one kind or complimentary thing to your
life's partner.
When you have done something wrong, be ready to admit it and ask for
forgiveness.
It takes two to make a quarrel, and the one in the wrong is the one who does
the most talking.

[Jack C Lipton]

Whisper wrote:

I was going thru some old emails from when my Hubby and I were planning our wedding ..found this..thought I would share.. author unknown...

Thanks for the posting (sure, it may be a repost...)

Rules for a Happy Marriage 1. Never both be angry at the same time.

Actually you have to learn NOT to be angered when
your mate angry, and anger can be contagious. As
I note below, a lot of things are contagious.

2. Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. 3. If one of you HAS to win an argument, let it be your mate.

Just remember that when one wins, both lose.

4. If you have to criticize, do it lovingly. 5. Never bring up mistakes of the past.

For men this mistake is easier to avoid. Women seem
to have "total grievance recall" and reflects back to
#1, above.

That doesn't mean men all have short memories, it's
just that enough don't "live" in the past and so their
resentments are not always freshly at hand.

6. Neglect the whole world rather than each other. 7. Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled.

How does one do this when it usually seems better to
let sleeping dogs lie?

7a. If you must sleep apart, it should be due to a
business trip or hospital stay.

8. At least once every day try to say one kind or complimentary thing to your life's partner. 9. When you have done something wrong, be ready to admit it and ask for forgiveness.

This is usually a good idea in the workplace, too,
but realize that it's usually best to have a solution
in hand as well there.

Within a marriage you don't need the solution itself,
just the willingness to use consensus with your
partner in working out a satisfactory solution.

10. It takes two to make a quarrel, and the one in the wrong is the one who does the most talking.

I't add, as a corollary:

10a. Just because you've silenced yourself and are
nursing a silent anger doesn't mean you're right,
either.

So, even if you've kept your mouth shut, a sullen
mood full of resentment does not help.

And:

11. If one is unhappy, both are. Unhappiness is
extremely contagious. Happiness is, unfortunately,
not as contagious, so you have to work harder at
it. Enthusiasm is key.


I *was* initially going to make comments that were more
light-hearted but this one hit me in enough spots.

--
Jack C Lipton | cupasoup@softhome.net | http://www.asstr.org/~CupaSoup/

[Jack C Lipton]

Whisper wrote:

I was going thru some old emails from when my Hubby and I were planning our wedding ..found this..thought I would share.. author unknown...

Thanks for the posting (sure, it may be a repost...)

Rules for a Happy Marriage 1. Never both be angry at the same time.

Actually you have to learn NOT to be angered when
your mate angry, and anger can be contagious. As
I note below, a lot of things are contagious.

2. Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. 3. If one of you HAS to win an argument, let it be your mate.

Just remember that when one wins, both lose.

4. If you have to criticize, do it lovingly. 5. Never bring up mistakes of the past.

For men this mistake is easier to avoid. Women seem
to have "total grievance recall" and reflects back to
#1, above.

That doesn't mean men all have short memories, it's
just that enough don't "live" in the past and so their
resentments are not always freshly at hand.

6. Neglect the whole world rather than each other. 7. Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled.

How does one do this when it usually seems better to
let sleeping dogs lie?

7a. If you must sleep apart, it should be due to a
business trip or hospital stay.

8. At least once every day try to say one kind or complimentary thing to your life's partner. 9. When you have done something wrong, be ready to admit it and ask for forgiveness.

This is usually a good idea in the workplace, too,
but realize that it's usually best to have a solution
in hand as well there.

Within a marriage you don't need the solution itself,
just the willingness to use consensus with your
partner in working out a satisfactory solution.

10. It takes two to make a quarrel, and the one in the wrong is the one who does the most talking.

I't add, as a corollary:

10a. Just because you've silenced yourself and are
nursing a silent anger doesn't mean you're right,
either.

So, even if you've kept your mouth shut, a sullen
mood full of resentment does not help.

And:

11. If one is unhappy, both are. Unhappiness is
extremely contagious. Happiness is, unfortunately,
not as contagious, so you have to work harder at
it. Enthusiasm is key.


I *was* initially going to make comments that were more
light-hearted but this one hit me in enough spots.

--
Jack C Lipton | cupasoup@softhome.net | http://www.asstr.org/~CupaSoup/

You forgot the two most important rules.
1. NEVER GET MARRIED
2. If you are already married, GET A DIVORCE



On Thu, 25 Mar 2004 04:13:43 GMT, "Whisper"
<whisperishere@bctonline.com> wrote:

I was going thru some old emails from when my Hubby and I were planning outwedding ..found this..thought I would share.. author unknown...KassRules for a Happy MarriageNever both be angry at the same time.Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire.If one of you HAS to win an argument, let it be your mate.If you have to criticize, do it lovingly.Never bring up mistakes of the past.Neglect the whole world rather than each other.Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled.At least once every day try to say one kind or complimentary thing to yourlife's partner.When you have done something wrong, be ready to admit it and ask forforgiveness.It takes two to make a quarrel, and the one in the wrong is the one who doesthe most talking.

You forgot the two most important rules.
1. NEVER GET MARRIED
2. If you are already married, GET A DIVORCE



On Thu, 25 Mar 2004 04:13:43 GMT, "Whisper"
<whisperishere@bctonline.com> wrote:

I was going thru some old emails from when my Hubby and I were planning outwedding ..found this..thought I would share.. author unknown...KassRules for a Happy MarriageNever both be angry at the same time.Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire.If one of you HAS to win an argument, let it be your mate.If you have to criticize, do it lovingly.Never bring up mistakes of the past.Neglect the whole world rather than each other.Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled.At least once every day try to say one kind or complimentary thing to yourlife's partner.When you have done something wrong, be ready to admit it and ask forforgiveness.It takes two to make a quarrel, and the one in the wrong is the one who doesthe most talking.

On Thu, 25 Mar 2004 10:36:39 GMT, cupasoup@softhome.net (Jack C
Lipton) wrote:

7a. If you must sleep apart, it should be due to a business trip or hospital stay.

Or VD

On Thu, 25 Mar 2004 10:36:39 GMT, cupasoup@softhome.net (Jack C
Lipton) wrote:

7a. If you must sleep apart, it should be due to a business trip or hospital stay.

Or VD

[Red]

"Jack C Lipton" <cupasoup@softhome.net> wrote in message
news:slrnc65dj4.1l7.cupasoup@soup2nets.net.dhis.or g...

Whisper wrote:

Thanks for the posting (sure, it may be a repost...)

Actually you have to learn NOT to be angered when your mate angry, and anger can be contagious. As I note below, a lot of things are contagious.

Just remember that when one wins, both lose.

For men this mistake is easier to avoid. Women seem to have "total grievance recall" and reflects back to #1, above. That doesn't mean men all have short memories, it's just that enough don't "live" in the past and so their resentments are not always freshly at hand.

I don't know if that is fair. I'm a woman and I don't bring up mistakes of
the past, and I hate it when people do that. My old roommate in college did
this kind of **** all the time...with me, with her boyfriend, with her other
friends.

How does one do this when it usually seems better to let sleeping dogs lie?

Maybe this is related to number 5 above. If you never talk about stuff and
get it out in the open, it's easier to dwell on it internally until one day
you just explode from keeping it all in for so long. Maybe that's what's
going on when it seems to you like women are "living in the past..." They're
not living in the past...they never got to talk about their greivances in
the first place so those greivances were left to fester.

7a. If you must sleep apart, it should be due to a business trip or hospital stay.

Or because your husband snores and you really need a good night's sleep

<snip>

10. It takes two to make a quarrel, and the one in the wrong is the one who does the most talking.

I don't see why this is necessarily true.

I't add, as a corollary: 10a. Just because you've silenced yourself and are nursing a silent anger doesn't mean you're right, either.

If you're angry you should express that. Feelins aren't right or wrong. They
just are.

So, even if you've kept your mouth shut, a sullen mood full of resentment does not help.

Yeah but keeping your mouth shut probably led to the sullen mood of
resentment.

And: 11. If one is unhappy, both are. Unhappiness is extremely contagious. Happiness is, unfortunately, not as contagious, so you have to work harder at it. Enthusiasm is key. I *was* initially going to make comments that were more light-hearted but this one hit me in enough spots.

Cheryl

[Red]

"Jack C Lipton" <cupasoup@softhome.net> wrote in message
news:slrnc65dj4.1l7.cupasoup@soup2nets.net.dhis.or g...

Whisper wrote:

Thanks for the posting (sure, it may be a repost...)

Actually you have to learn NOT to be angered when your mate angry, and anger can be contagious. As I note below, a lot of things are contagious.

Just remember that when one wins, both lose.

For men this mistake is easier to avoid. Women seem to have "total grievance recall" and reflects back to #1, above. That doesn't mean men all have short memories, it's just that enough don't "live" in the past and so their resentments are not always freshly at hand.

I don't know if that is fair. I'm a woman and I don't bring up mistakes of
the past, and I hate it when people do that. My old roommate in college did
this kind of **** all the time...with me, with her boyfriend, with her other
friends.

How does one do this when it usually seems better to let sleeping dogs lie?

Maybe this is related to number 5 above. If you never talk about stuff and
get it out in the open, it's easier to dwell on it internally until one day
you just explode from keeping it all in for so long. Maybe that's what's
going on when it seems to you like women are "living in the past..." They're
not living in the past...they never got to talk about their greivances in
the first place so those greivances were left to fester.

7a. If you must sleep apart, it should be due to a business trip or hospital stay.

Or because your husband snores and you really need a good night's sleep

<snip>

10. It takes two to make a quarrel, and the one in the wrong is the one who does the most talking.

I don't see why this is necessarily true.

I't add, as a corollary: 10a. Just because you've silenced yourself and are nursing a silent anger doesn't mean you're right, either.

If you're angry you should express that. Feelins aren't right or wrong. They
just are.

So, even if you've kept your mouth shut, a sullen mood full of resentment does not help.

Yeah but keeping your mouth shut probably led to the sullen mood of
resentment.

And: 11. If one is unhappy, both are. Unhappiness is extremely contagious. Happiness is, unfortunately, not as contagious, so you have to work harder at it. Enthusiasm is key. I *was* initially going to make comments that were more light-hearted but this one hit me in enough spots.

Cheryl

[Phil T]

HI "Whisper"

I could not have said it better - very good indeed!

Rules for a Happy MarriageNever both be angry at the same time.Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire.If one of you HAS to win an argument, let it be your mate.If you have to criticize, do it lovingly.Never bring up mistakes of the past.Neglect the whole world rather than each other.Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled.At least once every day try to say one kind or complimentary thing to yourlife's partner.When you have done something wrong, be ready to admit it and ask forforgiveness.It takes two to make a quarrel, and the one in the wrong is the one who doesthe most talking.

--
Phil

[Phil T]

HI "Whisper"

I could not have said it better - very good indeed!

Rules for a Happy MarriageNever both be angry at the same time.Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire.If one of you HAS to win an argument, let it be your mate.If you have to criticize, do it lovingly.Never bring up mistakes of the past.Neglect the whole world rather than each other.Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled.At least once every day try to say one kind or complimentary thing to yourlife's partner.When you have done something wrong, be ready to admit it and ask forforgiveness.It takes two to make a quarrel, and the one in the wrong is the one who doesthe most talking.

--
Phil

[shinypenny]

"Whisper" <whisperishere@bctonline.com> wrote in message news:<X%s8c.1774$WC3.16744@ord-read.news.verio.net>...

I was going thru some old emails from when my Hubby and I were planning out wedding ..found this..thought I would share.. author unknown... Kass Rules for a Happy Marriage Never both be angry at the same time. Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. If one of you HAS to win an argument, let it be your mate. If you have to criticize, do it lovingly. Never bring up mistakes of the past. Neglect the whole world rather than each other. Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled. At least once every day try to say one kind or complimentary thing to your life's partner. When you have done something wrong, be ready to admit it and ask for forgiveness. It takes two to make a quarrel, and the one in the wrong is the one who does the most talking.

I like:

"If you must argue, do so while completely naked, sitting on the bed
facing each other, and holding hands."

jen

[shinypenny]

"Whisper" <whisperishere@bctonline.com> wrote in message news:<X%s8c.1774$WC3.16744@ord-read.news.verio.net>...

I was going thru some old emails from when my Hubby and I were planning out wedding ..found this..thought I would share.. author unknown... Kass Rules for a Happy Marriage Never both be angry at the same time. Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. If one of you HAS to win an argument, let it be your mate. If you have to criticize, do it lovingly. Never bring up mistakes of the past. Neglect the whole world rather than each other. Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled. At least once every day try to say one kind or complimentary thing to your life's partner. When you have done something wrong, be ready to admit it and ask for forgiveness. It takes two to make a quarrel, and the one in the wrong is the one who does the most talking.

I like:

"If you must argue, do so while completely naked, sitting on the bed
facing each other, and holding hands."

jen

[Jack C Lipton]

shinypenny wrote:

"If you must argue, do so while completely naked, sitting on the bed facing each other, and holding hands."

You, m'dear, are a complete optimist. I like
the sentiment, though. I'll let you know how
she reacts when I propose it.

--
Jack C Lipton | cupasoup@softhome.net | http://www.asstr.org/~CupaSoup/

[Jack C Lipton]

shinypenny wrote:

"If you must argue, do so while completely naked, sitting on the bed facing each other, and holding hands."

You, m'dear, are a complete optimist. I like
the sentiment, though. I'll let you know how
she reacts when I propose it.

--
Jack C Lipton | cupasoup@softhome.net | http://www.asstr.org/~CupaSoup/

[Emma Anne]

Whisper <whisperishere@bctonline.com> wrote:

I was going thru some old emails from when my Hubby and I were planning out wedding ..found this..thought I would share.. author unknown... Kass Rules for a Happy Marriage

These aren't bad, actually. Usually I find these sorts of things far to
corny and inrealistic.

Never both be angry at the same time. Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. If one of you HAS to win an argument, let it be your mate. If you have to criticize, do it lovingly. Never bring up mistakes of the past. Neglect the whole world rather than each other. Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled. At least once every day try to say one kind or complimentary thing to your life's partner. When you have done something wrong, be ready to admit it and ask for forgiveness. It takes two to make a quarrel, and the one in the wrong is the one who does the most talking.

A lot of the emphasis seems to be on not fighting. This is something
I've changed my opinion on over the years. I do think frank airings of
feelings and even heated discussions are good things, but I now think
fights just result in hurt feelings and defensiveness. Less closeness,
not more.

[Emma Anne]

Whisper <whisperishere@bctonline.com> wrote:

I was going thru some old emails from when my Hubby and I were planning out wedding ..found this..thought I would share.. author unknown... Kass Rules for a Happy Marriage

These aren't bad, actually. Usually I find these sorts of things far to
corny and inrealistic.

Never both be angry at the same time. Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. If one of you HAS to win an argument, let it be your mate. If you have to criticize, do it lovingly. Never bring up mistakes of the past. Neglect the whole world rather than each other. Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled. At least once every day try to say one kind or complimentary thing to your life's partner. When you have done something wrong, be ready to admit it and ask for forgiveness. It takes two to make a quarrel, and the one in the wrong is the one who does the most talking.

A lot of the emphasis seems to be on not fighting. This is something
I've changed my opinion on over the years. I do think frank airings of
feelings and even heated discussions are good things, but I now think
fights just result in hurt feelings and defensiveness. Less closeness,
not more.

[Seeker]

"Emma Anne" <mbjq@earthlink.net> wrote in message
news:1gb791q.6z35ne1cgcapcN%mbjq@earthlink.net...

A lot of the emphasis seems to be on not fighting. This is something I've changed my opinion on over the years. I do think frank airings of feelings and even heated discussions are good things, but I now think fights just result in hurt feelings and defensiveness. Less closeness, not more.

Isn't it Gottman who says he can tell how well a marriage will fare just by
seeing *how* a couple fights? Not, "whether", but "how".

I avoid fights at all cost. That is probably a mistake.

Ted

[Seeker]

"Emma Anne" <mbjq@earthlink.net> wrote in message
news:1gb791q.6z35ne1cgcapcN%mbjq@earthlink.net...

A lot of the emphasis seems to be on not fighting. This is something I've changed my opinion on over the years. I do think frank airings of feelings and even heated discussions are good things, but I now think fights just result in hurt feelings and defensiveness. Less closeness, not more.

Isn't it Gottman who says he can tell how well a marriage will fare just by
seeing *how* a couple fights? Not, "whether", but "how".

I avoid fights at all cost. That is probably a mistake.

Ted

[Red]

"Seeker" <tedds212removethis@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:c3v6qe$2ars74$1@ID-123438.news.uni-berlin.de...

"Emma Anne" <mbjq@earthlink.net> wrote in message news:1gb791q.6z35ne1cgcapcN%mbjq@earthlink.net...

Isn't it Gottman who says he can tell how well a marriage will fare just

by

seeing *how* a couple fights? Not, "whether", but "how". I avoid fights at all cost. That is probably a mistake.

Probably.

I saw a news magazine show (maybe it was "Dateline" or maybe it was "60
Minutes") about some guy who hooked up all these scientific doo-dads to
couples to measure their physical responses, and then told the couples to
talk about some of their bigger marital issues.

He was able to predict, with a good amount of accuracy, which marriages
would end in divorce. The common denominator in the failed marriages was
that one or both partners expressed the feeling of contempt for the other.
Apparently, more than anger, or sadness, or anything, feeling contempous of
your partner is a marriage killer. I thought that was rather interesting.

Cheryl

[Red]

"Seeker" <tedds212removethis@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:c3v6qe$2ars74$1@ID-123438.news.uni-berlin.de...

"Emma Anne" <mbjq@earthlink.net> wrote in message news:1gb791q.6z35ne1cgcapcN%mbjq@earthlink.net...

Isn't it Gottman who says he can tell how well a marriage will fare just

by

seeing *how* a couple fights? Not, "whether", but "how". I avoid fights at all cost. That is probably a mistake.

Probably.

I saw a news magazine show (maybe it was "Dateline" or maybe it was "60
Minutes") about some guy who hooked up all these scientific doo-dads to
couples to measure their physical responses, and then told the couples to
talk about some of their bigger marital issues.

He was able to predict, with a good amount of accuracy, which marriages
would end in divorce. The common denominator in the failed marriages was
that one or both partners expressed the feeling of contempt for the other.
Apparently, more than anger, or sadness, or anything, feeling contempous of
your partner is a marriage killer. I thought that was rather interesting.

Cheryl

[Seeker]

"Red" <clafount@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:c3v7i9$12lg$1@msunews.cl.msu.edu...

I saw a news magazine show (maybe it was "Dateline" or maybe it was "60 Minutes") about some guy who hooked up all these scientific doo-dads to couples to measure their physical responses, and then told the couples to talk about some of their bigger marital issues. He was able to predict, with a good amount of accuracy, which marriages would end in divorce. The common denominator in the failed marriages was that one or both partners expressed the feeling of contempt for the other. Apparently, more than anger, or sadness, or anything, feeling contempous

of

your partner is a marriage killer. I thought that was rather interesting.

That sounds very much like it was an interview with Gottman. I can't
imagine having an argument with my wife, either alone or in "public" -- the
rare times we have a clear argument -- in which either one of us would say
something that could be even construed as contemptuous of the other. Did
they say, or did you hear, what kind of language was used that was
understood to be expressing contempt? (Now, whether I might actually *feel*
contempuous of her at some moment -- that's a different question. I
suspect I have at times, and I know some here have read some of what I've
written as having done so. But I'd never express it to her.)

Ted

[Seeker]

"Red" <clafount@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:c3v7i9$12lg$1@msunews.cl.msu.edu...

I saw a news magazine show (maybe it was "Dateline" or maybe it was "60 Minutes") about some guy who hooked up all these scientific doo-dads to couples to measure their physical responses, and then told the couples to talk about some of their bigger marital issues. He was able to predict, with a good amount of accuracy, which marriages would end in divorce. The common denominator in the failed marriages was that one or both partners expressed the feeling of contempt for the other. Apparently, more than anger, or sadness, or anything, feeling contempous

of

your partner is a marriage killer. I thought that was rather interesting.

That sounds very much like it was an interview with Gottman. I can't
imagine having an argument with my wife, either alone or in "public" -- the
rare times we have a clear argument -- in which either one of us would say
something that could be even construed as contemptuous of the other. Did
they say, or did you hear, what kind of language was used that was
understood to be expressing contempt? (Now, whether I might actually *feel*
contempuous of her at some moment -- that's a different question. I
suspect I have at times, and I know some here have read some of what I've
written as having done so. But I'd never express it to her.)

Ted

[Jack C Lipton]

Emma Anne wrote:

Whisper wrote:

These aren't bad, actually. Usually I find these sorts of things far to corny and inrealistic.

Of course they're corny and idealistic; there are certain
things we want to aspire to, even if we'll never completely
arrive there!

We're all "works in progress", after all, completion only
found with the final shovelful delivered to our gravesite.

Never both be angry at the same time. Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. If one of you HAS to win an argument, let it be your mate. If you have to criticize, do it lovingly. Never bring up mistakes of the past. Neglect the whole world rather than each other. Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled. At least once every day try to say one kind or complimentary thing to your life's partner. When you have done something wrong, be ready to admit it and ask for forgiveness.

Actually, I just realized, this one little rule
needs some expansion; "... and if you're sure
you are completely in the right, check again."

It takes two to make a quarrel, and the one in the wrong is the one who does the most talking. A lot of the emphasis seems to be on not fighting. This is something I've changed my opinion on over the years. I do think frank airings of feelings and even heated discussions are good things, but I now think fights just result in hurt feelings and defensiveness. Less closeness, not more.

Actually, I suspect "low level" 'fighting' being
more like two dogs barking now and again may be
a way to reduce stress between since frustrations
and feeling get aired rather than becoming a
festering wound, never to see light.

The idea that I've gotten from one couple was that
they "barked" so that they wouldn't "bite".

Now, mind you, this is not talking about the way
people may "bark" out orders or insults, but more
a matter of airing differences in a way that they
get both seen... and, if possible, resolved.

Some more rules:

* Never argue with your partner if they're holding
a chainsaw.

* Don't write down your resentments since they can
always use the list against you in a divorce.

--
Jack C Lipton | cupasoup@softhome.net | http://www.asstr.org/~CupaSoup/

[Jack C Lipton]

Emma Anne wrote:

Whisper wrote:

These aren't bad, actually. Usually I find these sorts of things far to corny and inrealistic.

Of course they're corny and idealistic; there are certain
things we want to aspire to, even if we'll never completely
arrive there!

We're all "works in progress", after all, completion only
found with the final shovelful delivered to our gravesite.

Never both be angry at the same time. Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. If one of you HAS to win an argument, let it be your mate. If you have to criticize, do it lovingly. Never bring up mistakes of the past. Neglect the whole world rather than each other. Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled. At least once every day try to say one kind or complimentary thing to your life's partner. When you have done something wrong, be ready to admit it and ask for forgiveness.

Actually, I just realized, this one little rule
needs some expansion; "... and if you're sure
you are completely in the right, check again."

It takes two to make a quarrel, and the one in the wrong is the one who does the most talking. A lot of the emphasis seems to be on not fighting. This is something I've changed my opinion on over the years. I do think frank airings of feelings and even heated discussions are good things, but I now think fights just result in hurt feelings and defensiveness. Less closeness, not more.

Actually, I suspect "low level" 'fighting' being
more like two dogs barking now and again may be
a way to reduce stress between since frustrations
and feeling get aired rather than becoming a
festering wound, never to see light.

The idea that I've gotten from one couple was that
they "barked" so that they wouldn't "bite".

Now, mind you, this is not talking about the way
people may "bark" out orders or insults, but more
a matter of airing differences in a way that they
get both seen... and, if possible, resolved.

Some more rules:

* Never argue with your partner if they're holding
a chainsaw.

* Don't write down your resentments since they can
always use the list against you in a divorce.

--
Jack C Lipton | cupasoup@softhome.net | http://www.asstr.org/~CupaSoup/

[Tai]

Whisper wrote:

I was going thru some old emails from when my Hubby and I were planning out wedding ..found this..thought I would share.. author unknown... Kass Rules for a Happy Marriage Never both be angry at the same time.

Not always possible

Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire.

Yes

If one of you HAS to win an argument, let it be your mate.

Definitely not always possible!

If you have to criticize, do it lovingly.

Yes

Never bring up mistakes of the past.

unless they are unresolved

Neglect the whole world rather than each other.

Yes

Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled.

No, some arguments can't be solved in a few hours. They can be shelved
before bedtime, though.

At least once every day try to say one kind or complimentary thing to your life's partner.

More days than not is fine, too

When you have done something wrong, be ready to admit it and ask for forgiveness.

Yes

It takes two to make a quarrel, and the one in the wrong is the one who does the most talking.

No, the one doing the most talking might just be the more talkative spouse

Tai

[Tai]

Whisper wrote:

I was going thru some old emails from when my Hubby and I were planning out wedding ..found this..thought I would share.. author unknown... Kass Rules for a Happy Marriage Never both be angry at the same time.

Not always possible

Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire.

Yes

If one of you HAS to win an argument, let it be your mate.

Definitely not always possible!

If you have to criticize, do it lovingly.

Yes

Never bring up mistakes of the past.

unless they are unresolved

Neglect the whole world rather than each other.

Yes

Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled.

No, some arguments can't be solved in a few hours. They can be shelved
before bedtime, though.

At least once every day try to say one kind or complimentary thing to your life's partner.

More days than not is fine, too

When you have done something wrong, be ready to admit it and ask for forgiveness.

Yes

It takes two to make a quarrel, and the one in the wrong is the one who does the most talking.

No, the one doing the most talking might just be the more talkative spouse

Tai

[shadowheart]

Emma Anne wrote:

A lot of the emphasis seems to be on not fighting.**This*is*something I've changed my opinion on over the years.**I*do*think*frank*airings*of feelings and even heated discussions are good things, but I now think fights just result in hurt feelings and defensiveness.**Less*closeness, not more.

Oh I agree. It is all in the way one sorts out disagreements. I know when I
get upset I need to cool down. Then my hubby and I can discuss things. The
same for him. Weknow to give each other space. Fortunately neither he nor I
get very upset with each other too often. I guess we are pretty compatible

[shadowheart]

Emma Anne wrote:

A lot of the emphasis seems to be on not fighting.**This*is*something I've changed my opinion on over the years.**I*do*think*frank*airings*of feelings and even heated discussions are good things, but I now think fights just result in hurt feelings and defensiveness.**Less*closeness, not more.

Oh I agree. It is all in the way one sorts out disagreements. I know when I
get upset I need to cool down. Then my hubby and I can discuss things. The
same for him. Weknow to give each other space. Fortunately neither he nor I
get very upset with each other too often. I guess we are pretty compatible

[Amy D]

Tai wrote:

Whisper wrote:

Not always possible

If it's heavy duty angry ONE has to be sensible.....two crazy angers
make a helluva mess......

Yes

Yes, but not always easy.......

Definitely not always possible!

Shouldn't be a "win" alot of times......often requires compromise.....

Yes

Agreed

unless they are unresolved

Which is interesting....if it becomes a hot button again why weren't
they resolved the first time? <This is not against Tai at all, more of a
reflection on my marriage>

Yes

Hmmm...to a point....unless one partner has a tendency to neglect the
world to a fault.....what if the "world" involves your children?

No, some arguments can't be solved in a few hours. They can be shelved before bedtime, though.

Agreed.

More days than not is fine, too

But striving for once a day is good.

Yes

Agreed.

No, the one doing the most talking might just be the more talkative spouse

Agreed....the one throwing things around may be the one in the wrong.

Tai