I have a question for happily married couples-healthy couples

[Shashay Doofray]

I agree with your husband.

SD

[Caren]

Before I married my husband, I had a toxic relationship with a man.
It was a relationship that lasted for 8 years, with a lot of splitting
up and getting back together. The relationship ended abruptly and I
never made peace with the ending. I have always stayed in touch with
his daughter via email and we have a nice relationship-I'm sort of
motherly to her. She told me about a year or two ago that he has
Parkinson's Disease and I felt a need to contact him. It took a very
long time for me to finally gather up the nerve to contact him because
I was afraid that he'd ignore it or something.

At any rate, I recently made contact. I told him all about my life
(marriage, children, career, where I live-I no longer live in the same
state as he) and I asked about his life, his illness, etc. He emailed
back and I emailed him back.

I also, from time to time, email my ex-boyfriend from college. I send
him pictures of my kids once in a while and it's a nice
relationship-no pretenses. I'm on great terms with my ex-husband,
having had an incredibly amicable divorce about 21 years ago. My
husband likes him very much and he has stayed at our house (from out
of town) when our son graduated from high school and college.

Okay, here's my question. My husband thinks that it's inappropriate
for me to be emailing ex boyfriends! I see it as something 100%,
totally innocent. I have no motives other than to takl about old
times from time to time. I also stay in touch with lots and lots of
girlfriends and my family. I do web searches on the college and high
school reunion thing, looking for old friends once in a while and just
love to talk to someone from the past.

At any rate, I told me husband that I see it as totally normal and it
is really bugging me that he thinks that it's wrong. I think that is
insane. I told him that I was doing it, so I had nothing to hide.
And I also told him that he could read the stupid emails if he wanted.
I have nothing to hide which is why I told him!

I'd appreciate some thoughts on this...and I am going to share this
thread with him.

[Chrys]

"Caren" <caren50@msn.com> wrote in message
news:3754f0b3.0401301047.3ce093d5@posting.google.c om...

Okay, here's my question. My husband thinks that it's inappropriate for me to be emailing ex boyfriends! I see it as something 100%, totally innocent. I have no motives other than to takl about old times from time to time. I also stay in touch with lots and lots of girlfriends and my family. I do web searches on the college and high school reunion thing, looking for old friends once in a while and just love to talk to someone from the past. At any rate, I told me husband that I see it as totally normal and it is really bugging me that he thinks that it's wrong. I think that is insane. I told him that I was doing it, so I had nothing to hide. And I also told him that he could read the stupid emails if he wanted. I have nothing to hide which is why I told him! I'd appreciate some thoughts on this...and I am going to share this thread with him.

If it is truly innocent and stays that way and you aren't hiding anything
from your husband, then I see no harm to keeping in touch with old
boyfriends.

[22Ted]

Caren wrote:

Before I married my husband, I had a toxic relationship with a man. It was a relationship that lasted for 8 years, with a lot of splitting up and getting back together. The relationship ended abruptly and I never made peace with the ending. I have always stayed in touch with his daughter via email and we have a nice relationship-I'm sort of motherly to her. She told me about a year or two ago that he has Parkinson's Disease and I felt a need to contact him. It took a very long time for me to finally gather up the nerve to contact him because I was afraid that he'd ignore it or something. At any rate, I recently made contact. I told him all about my life (marriage, children, career, where I live-I no longer live in the same state as he) and I asked about his life, his illness, etc. He emailed back and I emailed him back. I also, from time to time, email my ex-boyfriend from college. I send him pictures of my kids once in a while and it's a nice relationship-no pretenses. I'm on great terms with my ex-husband, having had an incredibly amicable divorce about 21 years ago. My husband likes him very much and he has stayed at our house (from out of town) when our son graduated from high school and college. Okay, here's my question. My husband thinks that it's inappropriate for me to be emailing ex boyfriends! I see it as something 100%, totally innocent. I have no motives other than to takl about old times from time to time. I also stay in touch with lots and lots of girlfriends and my family. I do web searches on the college and high school reunion thing, looking for old friends once in a while and just love to talk to someone from the past. At any rate, I told me husband that I see it as totally normal and it is really bugging me that he thinks that it's wrong. I think that is insane. I told him that I was doing it, so I had nothing to hide. And I also told him that he could read the stupid emails if he wanted. I have nothing to hide which is why I told him! I'd appreciate some thoughts on this...and I am going to share this thread with him.

Obviously your husband's concerns and thoughts are the issue here.. and
any feedback we could give you won't change that.

Perhaps you just need to decide what is most important to you. Your
husband's wishes on this, or the ability to keep in contact with
ex-boyfriends.

Personally, I think he's being unrealistic assuming that you've never
given him any reason to doubt your honesty in the past. I'd be slightly
irritated if my husband told me that I couldn't keep in contact with old
friends... but my irritation would come more from wondering what alien
had abducted my husband who doesn't have an ounce of jealousy in his body :P



--
email:
cari_p at comcast dot net

[JWB]

"Caren" <caren50@msn.com> wrote in message
news:3754f0b3.0401301047.3ce093d5@posting.google.c om...

Before I married my husband, I had a toxic relationship with a man. It was a relationship that lasted for 8 years, with a lot of splitting up and getting back together. The relationship ended abruptly and I never made peace with the ending. I have always stayed in touch with his daughter via email and we have a nice relationship-I'm sort of motherly to her. She told me about a year or two ago that he has Parkinson's Disease and I felt a need to contact him. It took a very long time for me to finally gather up the nerve to contact him because I was afraid that he'd ignore it or something. At any rate, I recently made contact. I told him all about my life (marriage, children, career, where I live-I no longer live in the same state as he) and I asked about his life, his illness, etc. He emailed back and I emailed him back. I also, from time to time, email my ex-boyfriend from college. I send him pictures of my kids once in a while and it's a nice relationship-no pretenses. I'm on great terms with my ex-husband, having had an incredibly amicable divorce about 21 years ago. My husband likes him very much and he has stayed at our house (from out of town) when our son graduated from high school and college. Okay, here's my question. My husband thinks that it's inappropriate for me to be emailing ex boyfriends! I see it as something 100%, totally innocent. I have no motives other than to takl about old times from time to time. I also stay in touch with lots and lots of girlfriends and my family. I do web searches on the college and high school reunion thing, looking for old friends once in a while and just love to talk to someone from the past. At any rate, I told me husband that I see it as totally normal and it is really bugging me that he thinks that it's wrong. I think that is insane. I told him that I was doing it, so I had nothing to hide. And I also told him that he could read the stupid emails if he wanted. I have nothing to hide which is why I told him! I'd appreciate some thoughts on this...and I am going to share this thread with him.

well, you probably know what I'm going to say, Caren... I don't see this as
"normal". The ex-husband, yea, that's fine, because you have a child
together. The others.... I mean, I don't want to sound mean here (because I
like you), but you gotta let go. Yea, I know it's your past, but I think
reaching back to past boyfriends is a bit much. I'd spend that time and
energy on the present.

I agree with your husband on the ex-boyfriend thing.

[urf]

Give it up.

Why would you intentionally do something that bugs your husband?
Is it to assert yourself? I'm all for assertive women, but pick your
battles. Too much ego involved. Think of the symbolism of what
you are doing what does it say to him about you without
actually using words?

Worst case is to do it on the sly.


"Caren" <caren50@msn.com> wrote in message
news:3754f0b3.0401301047.3ce093d5@posting.google.c om...

Before I married my husband, I had a toxic relationship with a man. It was a relationship that lasted for 8 years, with a lot of splitting up and getting back together. The relationship ended abruptly and I never made peace with the ending. I have always stayed in touch with his daughter via email and we have a nice relationship-I'm sort of motherly to her. She told me about a year or two ago that he has Parkinson's Disease and I felt a need to contact him. It took a very long time for me to finally gather up the nerve to contact him because I was afraid that he'd ignore it or something. At any rate, I recently made contact. I told him all about my life (marriage, children, career, where I live-I no longer live in the same state as he) and I asked about his life, his illness, etc. He emailed back and I emailed him back. I also, from time to time, email my ex-boyfriend from college. I send him pictures of my kids once in a while and it's a nice relationship-no pretenses. I'm on great terms with my ex-husband, having had an incredibly amicable divorce about 21 years ago. My husband likes him very much and he has stayed at our house (from out of town) when our son graduated from high school and college. Okay, here's my question. My husband thinks that it's inappropriate for me to be emailing ex boyfriends! I see it as something 100%, totally innocent. I have no motives other than to takl about old times from time to time. I also stay in touch with lots and lots of girlfriends and my family. I do web searches on the college and high school reunion thing, looking for old friends once in a while and just love to talk to someone from the past. At any rate, I told me husband that I see it as totally normal and it is really bugging me that he thinks that it's wrong. I think that is insane. I told him that I was doing it, so I had nothing to hide. And I also told him that he could read the stupid emails if he wanted. I have nothing to hide which is why I told him! I'd appreciate some thoughts on this...and I am going to share this thread with him.

[Chrys]

"urf" <urf@nospam.com> wrote in message
news:qczSb.95$bn1.47@nwrdny02.gnilink.net...

Give it up. Why would you intentionally do something that bugs your husband? Is it to assert yourself? I'm all for assertive women, but pick your battles. Too much ego involved. Think of the symbolism of what you are doing what does it say to him about you without actually using words? Worst case is to do it on the sly.

Although I can understand a man being insecure in a case like this whether
he has reason to be or not, surely you don't mean that women should never
do anything that bugs their husbands? It's not like she deliberately
decided to do something for no reason but to make him mad.

[Tony Miller]

On 30 Jan 2004 10:47:00 -0800, Caren
<caren50@msn.com> wrote:

<Snip>

Okay, here's my question. My husband thinks that it's inappropriate for me to be emailing ex boyfriends! I see it as something 100%, totally innocent. I have no motives other than to takl about old times from time to time. I also stay in touch with lots and lots of girlfriends and my family. I do web searches on the college and high school reunion thing, looking for old friends once in a while and just love to talk to someone from the past.

It makes your husband uncomfortable, and puts a strain on your
relationship. I would stop doing it. And it really doesn't matter how
innocent you believe it is. It makes your husband feel bad. Why do you
want to make someone you love feel bad? Is talking to these men worth it?

-Tony

--
"If the grass appears to be greener on the other side of the fence, it's time
to fertilize your lawn!"
Want to jump start your marriage? Consider a Marriage Encounter weekend.
Check out http://www.wwme.org for more information.

[Tracey]

>At any rate, I told me husband that I see it as totally

normal

I'm right there with ya, Caren.

and itis really bugging me that he thinks that it's wrong.I think that is insane.

<screech> We just parted company. I don't think that most
problems between couples come from their differences. I
think that most problems between couples come from not
accepting their differences. In your situation, neither
one of you seem to be accepting the others' differences
in regards to this topic. To me, the solution to this is
pretty simple in theory. For you to not think he's insane
or think he's wrong in not sharing your opinion on keeping
in touch with people you were once romantically involved
with and for him to not think that your wanting to keep in
touch with people you were once romantically involved with
is inappropriate.

Tracey

[Tracey]

>Think of the symbolism of what you are doing what does

it say to him about you without actually using words?

But, what is the symbolism of his actions/attitude? I'm
not so fond of the impression I'm getting here that it's
Caren that is obligated to do something differently just
because her husband doesn't share her beliefs.

Worst case is to do it on the sly.

Eeeeuuuwww, Urf. Can't say as I like the idea of telling
someone to hide something from their spouse.

Tracey

[Tony Miller]

On Fri, 30 Jan 2004 20:56:01 GMT, Tracey
<rbrancher2@aol.com> wrote:

Think of the symbolism of what you are doing what doesit say to him about you without actually using words? But, what is the symbolism of his actions/attitude? I'm not so fond of the impression I'm getting here that it's Caren that is obligated to do something differently just because her husband doesn't share her beliefs.

Exactly. And her husband will sometimes be obligated to do something
differently just because she doesn't share his beliefs. It's called
"compromise".

Reminds me of a situation a few years ago, where my wife and a few of her
friends were talking about my wife possibly getting a radical new hairdo.
I asked my wife: "You would do something like that without talking to me
first?". One of her friends piped up (and you reminded me of her just
now) "It's her body, she can do what she wants with it!"

I looked at my wife who wasn't saying anything and I said: "Ok, then I'm
going to the mall to get my ear pierced". My wife said: "On no you're
not!" then realized the implication of what I had just said WRT her desire
to have a radical new hairdo.

The point is, my body is not my own, and her body is not her own. As
married people we have become "part owners" in each other's body. We
won't do anything radical to something that belongs to our spouse any more
than we sould deface any other possession of theirs.

You may think this attitude is outmoded, or completely wrong, but
sometimes you have to put your spouse's happiness before your desires.
That's part of the "we" in a marriage. And the question was: "I have a
question for happily married couples". My wife and I fit the bill going
on 19 years.

-Tony

--
"If the grass appears to be greener on the other side of the fence, it's time
to fertilize your lawn!"
Want to jump start your marriage? Consider a Marriage Encounter weekend.
Check out http://www.wwme.org for more information.

[JWB]

"urf" <urf@nospam.com> wrote in message
news:qczSb.95$bn1.47@nwrdny02.gnilink.net...

Give it up. Why would you intentionally do something that bugs your husband? Is it to assert yourself? I'm all for assertive women, but pick your battles. Too much ego involved. Think of the symbolism of what you are doing what does it say to him about you without actually using words?

I agree with you. I also can't understand the "benefit" people get from
doing these kinds of things. I had an old girlfriend that did stuff like
this - and even though she never really admitted it, I *knew* that a little
piece of her was back there with the ex's that she kept in touch with.

I mean, what is the point? Is it to assert yourself, or is it what you get
out of the relationship? I would guess Caren would say the latter (would
you, Caren?)

And if the latter, is it to constantly say "remember when we...". Gee, you
like living in the past? And if not that, is there some sort of new
stimulation one gets from the ex? I mean, if we really peel away all the
layers of bull****, it's one of the two. There would be no reason to have
the contact otherwise.

I said this to Caren, but I don't include the ex-husband in this. I think
it's fine that she gets along with her ex, since they have a child together.

JWB

[JWB]

"Tracey" <rbrancher2@aol.com> wrote in message
news:401AC4F1.2050709@aol.com...

Think of the symbolism of what you are doing what doesit say to him about you without actually using words? But, what is the symbolism of his actions/attitude? I'm not so fond of the impression I'm getting here that it's Caren that is obligated to do something differently just because her husband doesn't share her beliefs.

Eeeeuuuwww, Urf. Can't say as I like the idea of telling someone to hide something from their spouse.

I don't think that's what he's saying. I think he means that it's the worst
thing IF she did that (which she said she doesn't)

[JWB]

"Tracey" <rbrancher2@aol.com> wrote in message
news:401AC4F1.2050709@aol.com...

Think of the symbolism of what you are doing what doesit say to him about you without actually using words? But, what is the symbolism of his actions/attitude? I'm not so fond of the impression I'm getting here that it's Caren that is obligated to do something differently just because her husband doesn't share her beliefs.

Yea, but we're talking contact with ex boyfriends. Not exactly "gee, don't
you like my card collecting hobby" or whatnot. I mean, what if her husband
didn't believe in drugs, and she took them? Would your "share her beliefs"
advice be the same?

[Chrys]

"JWB" <jwbgoawayickyspam3333@excite.com> wrote in message
news:24ASb.293297$0P1.128715@twister.nyc.rr.com...

I agree with you. I also can't understand the "benefit" people get from doing these kinds of things. I had an old girlfriend that did stuff like this - and even though she never really admitted it, I *knew* that a

little

piece of her was back there with the ex's that she kept in touch with.

Have you never dated someone and then stayed friends after the
relationship ended? Asking the benefit seems to me like asking why a
person would ever want to have friends in the first place. I had a couple
men I'd dated and stayed friends with. My husband never had a problem
with it and became friends with them too. If it was a situation of
getting in touch with someone for a reason like missing the relationship,
then yes I'd see it as wrong.

[WhansaMi]

Oddly, I'm with the guys on this one.

Do I believe that there is anything nefarious going on? Nope. As far as I
know you are totally upstanding about this. :-)

But, IMO, that isn't the issue. It makes your husband uncomfortable in a way
that, at least I, don't want to make my husband uncomfortable. It makes him
feel vulnerable. It makes him anxious. I don't want to be a source of that
for my husband; I want to be the safe harbor for him.

What feels right for *you* is to keep in contact. But, that doesn't feel right
for the "couple" that you are a part of -- you and your husband. I can
understand that this is a conflict between your personal desires and your
husband's desires, but I'd look at it a bit differently: what may suffer here
is the *marital relationship*, and keeping that safe is my highest priority.
Part of that is my husband feeling like I am respecting his feelings. For me,
lack of contact with ex-boyfriends would be a small price to pay to make him
feel that way.

Sheila

[JWB]

"Chrys" <notarealaddress@lycos.com> wrote in message
news:bvej8q$s33o3$1@ID-198599.news.uni-berlin.de...

"JWB" <jwbgoawayickyspam3333@excite.com> wrote in message news:24ASb.293297$0P1.128715@twister.nyc.rr.com...

little

Have you never dated someone and then stayed friends after the relationship ended?

No. Remained cordial, but never "friends".

Asking the benefit seems to me like asking why a person would ever want to have friends in the first place. I had a couple men I'd dated and stayed friends with. My husband never had a problem with it and became friends with them too. If it was a situation of getting in touch with someone for a reason like missing the relationship, then yes I'd see it as wrong.

Most people don't seem to like "ex's" around. If it works for you, great.

--
JWB

e-mail: jwb3333 at excite dot com

[Ellie]

Caren wrote:

Okay, here's my question. My husband thinks that it's inappropriate for me to be emailing ex boyfriends! I see it as something 100%, totally innocent. I have no motives other than to takl about old times from time to time. I also stay in touch with lots and lots of girlfriends and my family. I do web searches on the college and high school reunion thing, looking for old friends once in a while and just love to talk to someone from the past.

Yes, it could be something 100% innocent, but that's
not all that matters. It makes your husband uncomfortable.
You have to ask yourself why it's so important for you to
keep in touch with the guy at the expense of your husband's
discomfort. No, I don't believe that you should stop doing
*anything* that annoys your husband, but this is not *anything*!
It's a bit disingenuous to compare it with girlfriends and family,
even if you insist that it's the same to you.

At any rate, I told me husband that I see it as totally normal

You are right to see it as totally normal.

and it is really bugging me that he thinks that it's wrong.

He is right to think it's wrong!! That's the way he feels,
and it's not that unusual. You can call it his insecurity or
whatever, but it's not an unreasonable request that a spouse
stops seeing past loves. You say it bugs you that he doesn't
see it your way. Doesn't it bug you more that he is unhappy about
something that you can easily fix without too much sacrifice?

You asked "happily married couples". I am one, and
as such I can't imagine doing something like this if it bothers
my husband in the least. Keeping in touch with old boyfriends
is just not in par with my husbands happiness and feeling
secure about our relationship. Having said that, I must also
add that I am a very strong independent woman, who wouldn't
tolerate it if my husband was unreasonable and asked me to stop
things that were truly important to me. But keeping an old relationship
is not in that category!

[Jack C Lipton]

JWB wrote:

Chrys queried:

No. Remained cordial, but never "friends".

Most girls/women I knew when I was trying to date were too
busy running away... :-)

--
Jack C Lipton | cupasoup@softhome.net | http://www.asstr.org/~CupaSoup/

[Doug Anderson]

"Chrys" <notarealaddress@lycos.com> writes:

"JWB" <jwbgoawayickyspam3333@excite.com> wrote in message news:24ASb.293297$0P1.128715@twister.nyc.rr.com...

little

Have you never dated someone and then stayed friends after the relationship ended?

Yes. Seems normal to me.

[JWB]

"Doug Anderson" <ethelthelog@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:ewekth11wa.fsf@noether.uoregon.edu...

"Chrys" <notarealaddress@lycos.com> writes:

from

doing these kinds of things. I had an old girlfriend that did stuff

like

this - and even though she never really admitted it, I *knew* that a little

Have you never dated someone and then stayed friends after the relationship ended? Yes. Seems normal to me.

Social, stay-in-contact friends? Or just "friendly", like if you see each
other at the mall, you might have coffee and catch up. There's a difference.

--
JWB

e-mail: jwb3333 at excite dot com

[Ellie]

WhansaMi wrote:

But, IMO, that isn't the issue. It makes your husband uncomfortable in a way that, at least I, don't want to make my husband uncomfortable. It makes him feel vulnerable. It makes him anxious. I don't want to be a source of that for my husband; I want to be the safe harbor for him.

Beautifully put, Sheila. I feel exactly the same way.

What feels right for *you* is to keep in contact. But, that doesn't feel right for the "couple" that you are a part of -- you and your husband. I can understand that this is a conflict between your personal desires and your husband's desires, but I'd look at it a bit differently: what may suffer here is the *marital relationship*, and keeping that safe is my highest priority. Part of that is my husband feeling like I am respecting his feelings. For me, lack of contact with ex-boyfriends would be a small price to pay to make him feel that way.

Hear hear! My husband once advised a friend who was
having marriage troubles that he should look for marriage
penny stocks which he had insider information on, and invest
in them (he was in finance field)! Things that are "cheap"
(in terms of physical and emotional investment) but have
very "high return"! I think giving up contact with an old
boyfriend is one of the cheapest ways to make her husband
feel respected and secure.

[nachtigal]

Hi Caren,

this is my humble opinion: Your husband doesn´t sound like the typical
jealous type. I think if he were, he wouldn´t even get along with your ex
husband. For whatever reason he feels the contact it´s inappropriate. (I´d
ask him why and I´d also refrain from trying to defend myself while he
explains.)
I would then ask my self, what I´m getting out of this. Most people don´t
have the required honesty with themselves to answer this question.

If this isn´t too terribly important, I´d try to reach a compromise.

By the way, I´ve seen a lot of situations start innocently enough, that
slowely detegenerated into an emotional affair and worst, so I´m a little
wary. On the one side, it´s considered healthy to keep in touch with the
exes, but for me, anything more than a coincidential meeting at the mall or
a party or any contact that doesn´t include me or that I didn´t know about
would make me feel uncomfortable. But that´s just me..

Sioban


"Caren" <caren50@msn.com> schrieb im Newsbeitrag
news:3754f0b3.0401301047.3ce093d5@posting.google.c om...

Before I married my husband, I had a toxic relationship with a man. It was a relationship that lasted for 8 years, with a lot of splitting up and getting back together. (snip) It took a very long time for me to finally gather up the nerve to contact him because I was afraid that he'd ignore it or something. (snip)

I'm on great terms with my ex-husband, having had an incredibly amicable divorce about 21 years ago. My husband likes him very much and he has stayed at our house (snip) My husband thinks that it's inappropriate for me to be emailing ex boyfriends! I see it as something 100%, totally innocent. I have no motives other than to takl about old times from time to time.

[Jayne Kulikauskas]

"WhansaMi" <whansami@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20040130164933.25908.00000800@mb-m23.aol.com...

[]

But, IMO, that isn't the issue. It makes your husband uncomfortable in a

way

that, at least I, don't want to make my husband uncomfortable. It makes

him

feel vulnerable. It makes him anxious. I don't want to be a source of

that

for my husband; I want to be the safe harbor for him.

[]

I agree with Sheila. I'm happily married with my 24th anniversary coming up
in a few months.

Jayne

[WhansaMi]

>Hear hear! My husband once advised a friend who was

having marriage troubles that he should look for marriagepenny stocks which he had insider information on, and investin them (he was in finance field)! Things that are "cheap"(in terms of physical and emotional investment) but havevery "high return"! I think giving up contact with an oldboyfriend is one of the cheapest ways to make her husbandfeel respected and secure.

I like that analogy. I know a few people with whom that would resonate when
nothing else would!

Sheila

[urf]

"Chrys" <notarealaddress@lycos.com> wrote in message
news:bvefgi$r3m9g$1@ID-198599.news.uni-berlin.de...

"urf" <urf@nospam.com> wrote in message news:qczSb.95$bn1.47@nwrdny02.gnilink.net...

Although I can understand a man being insecure in a case like this whether he has reason to be or not, surely you don't mean that women should never do anything that bugs their husbands? It's not like she deliberately decided to do something for no reason but to make him mad.

If you talk the talk you should walk the walk.

If you say you love someone, you should act like you love someone.

If your partner needs you to behave in some way and it is within your
power to give that to your partner you should do what you are able
to do to behave in the way your partner needs for you to behave.

That said, there are all manor of circumstances that modify the above.

Me, I keep one thing in mind. I love my baby and my baby loves me.
Why?
Because I am her dream of a man.
Why?
Because I am what she needs.
Why?
Because I want to be.
Why?
Because there is nothing she could ask of me that she would not
give back ten fold.

[Bill in Co.]

WhansaMi wrote:

Oddly, I'm with the guys on this one. Do I believe that there is anything nefarious going on? Nope. As far as I know you are totally upstanding about this. :-) But, IMO, that isn't the issue. It makes your husband uncomfortable in a way that, at least I, don't want to make my husband uncomfortable. It makes him feel vulnerable. It makes him anxious. I don't want to be a source of that for my husband; I want to be the safe harbor for him. What feels right for *you* is to keep in contact. But, that doesn't feel right for the "couple" that you are a part of -- you and your husband. I can understand that this is a conflict between your personal desires and your husband's desires, but I'd look at it a bit differently: what may suffer

here

is the *marital relationship*, and keeping that safe is my highest priority. Part of that is my husband feeling like I am respecting his feelings. For

me,

lack of contact with ex-boyfriends would be a small price to pay to make him feel that way. Sheila

I think I'd go along with you on this one too, Sheila, although I admit these
things aren't always so clear cut.

[urf]

My man. Way to lay it out Tony.


"Tony Miller" <tony@cigardiary.com> wrote in message
news:slrnc1likb.ale.tony@home.cigardiary.com...

On Fri, 30 Jan 2004 20:56:01 GMT, Tracey <rbrancher2@aol.com> wrote:

Exactly. And her husband will sometimes be obligated to do something differently just because she doesn't share his beliefs. It's called "compromise". Reminds me of a situation a few years ago, where my wife and a few of her friends were talking about my wife possibly getting a radical new hairdo. I asked my wife: "You would do something like that without talking to me first?". One of her friends piped up (and you reminded me of her just now) "It's her body, she can do what she wants with it!" I looked at my wife who wasn't saying anything and I said: "Ok, then I'm going to the mall to get my ear pierced". My wife said: "On no you're not!" then realized the implication of what I had just said WRT her desire to have a radical new hairdo. The point is, my body is not my own, and her body is not her own. As married people we have become "part owners" in each other's body. We won't do anything radical to something that belongs to our spouse any more than we sould deface any other possession of theirs. You may think this attitude is outmoded, or completely wrong, but sometimes you have to put your spouse's happiness before your desires. That's part of the "we" in a marriage. And the question was: "I have a question for happily married couples". My wife and I fit the bill going on 19 years. -Tony -- "If the grass appears to be greener on the other side of the fence, it's

time

to fertilize your lawn!" Want to jump start your marriage? Consider a Marriage Encounter weekend. Check out http://www.wwme.org for more information.

[Rauni]

On Fri, 30 Jan 2004 13:43:04 -0800, "Chrys"
<notarealaddress@lycos.com> wrote:

"JWB" <jwbgoawayickyspam3333@excite.com> wrote in messagenews:24ASb.293297$0P1.128715@twister.nyc.rr .com...

little

Have you never dated someone and then stayed friends after therelationship ended? Asking the benefit seems to me like asking why aperson would ever want to have friends in the first place. I had a couplemen I'd dated and stayed friends with. My husband never had a problemwith it and became friends with them too. If it was a situation ofgetting in touch with someone for a reason like missing the relationship,then yes I'd see it as wrong.

Oh I am so glad my husband doesn't have a problem with me having
contact with my ex boyfriends because I am friends with nearly *all*
of them. In fact my ex-husband is best friends with someone I dated.
Yes I am also good friends with my ex husband as well and my husband
and I visit him often and spend thanksgiving with him.

However I will say this, all my ex's are either married or engaged. I
don't think my husband would feel comfortable if I was friends with an
ex who was still unattached. Maybe you should just ask your husband
what exactly makes him uncomfortable?

[Doug Anderson]

"JWB" <no1234@nothing.com> writes:

"Doug Anderson" <ethelthelog@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:ewekth11wa.fsf@noether.uoregon.edu...

from

like

Social, stay-in-contact friends?

That. Not with everyone, but with a couple.