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  • Disappointment....

    Long time lurker....
    Anyway, this story is going to sound really pathetic maybe, but I need to
    get it off my chest, and maybe for someone to tell me that I am an
    unreasonable cow...

    I am happily (until last week :-))) married, three children of 16,14 and 8.
    Last week it was my 40th birthday. Sort of looking forward to it and sort of
    not, if you know what I mean!
    For family birthdays (all) I do make a bit of a fuss, decorate the house,
    balloons, make a special cake etc.
    Well it came and went without event, and I mean that literally.I am upset.
    Hubby asked a few days before what I would like as a gift, and I sort of
    laughed and said anything, but for gods sake don't buy me a necklace (I
    don't wear them, and 2 years ago he bought me an absolutely GHASTLY
    expensive one that I couldn't return)
    So guess what I got? From my daughter who is 8, a necklace.(He took her out
    the afternoon before my bday, 1/2 an hour before having to go to work)
    Naturally I feigned delight, and I know it is the thought that counts,
    but....
    No present from him, (money is tight but not so much that he couldn't have
    got me something)
    No decorations, no cake, no photos, nothing.
    I am so so upset.
    I waited a day and then said so.
    He is annoyed. With me for mentioning it. Do you know that for years I have
    had to choose and then buy my own gifts, birthday and christmas, and I
    really really thought someone would make the effort to make my day a bit
    special, but no-one did.
    My birthdays have always been abit **** celebration wise, so I feel
    disappointed that this one was ****tier. At least last year I made a cake.
    Didn't this time cause I thought I would get one.....



  • #2
    Disappointment....

    Happy birthday Dushichka!

    Here's my little present...

    {}
    ||
    ____||_____
    {} {~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~} {}
    || { ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ } ||
    __||__{___________}__||__
    {\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\}
    {} { H a p p y \} {}
    || {\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\} ||
    __||_{_________________________}_||__
    {\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\}
    { }
    { B i r t h d a y ! ! ! }
    { }
    {/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/}
    {_____________________________________}

    Anyhow, some people are pretty dense and need to be told what you
    want, perhaps your husband did not want to upset you, rather, he was
    genuinely unsure what to do.

    i

    Comment


    • #3
      Disappointment....

      Happy birthday Dushichka!

      Here's my little present...

      {}
      ||
      ____||_____
      {} {~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~} {}
      || { ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ } ||
      __||__{___________}__||__
      {\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\}
      {} { H a p p y \} {}
      || {\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\} ||
      __||_{_________________________}_||__
      {\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\}
      { }
      { B i r t h d a y ! ! ! }
      { }
      {/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/}
      {_____________________________________}

      Anyhow, some people are pretty dense and need to be told what you
      want, perhaps your husband did not want to upset you, rather, he was
      genuinely unsure what to do.

      i

      Comment


      • #4
        Disappointment....


        "Ignoramus31782" <[email protected]> wrote in message
        news:[email protected]
        Happy birthday Dushichka! Here's my little present... Anyhow, some people are pretty dense and need to be told what you want, perhaps your husband did not want to upset you, rather, he was genuinely unsure what to do.
        Aaah, thanks!
        But I don't think thats it. To me it feels like he couldn't be bothered to
        go to any effort, and that hurts.
        So many years of pretending to be delighted at presents, crap ones, ones
        that I have bought and wrapped myself, years of making other peoples days
        special , and no one did it for me! I wasn't in the mood to pretend it
        didn't matter, it did matter, a lot.


        Comment


        • #5
          Disappointment....


          "Ignoramus31782" <[email protected]> wrote in message
          news:[email protected]
          Happy birthday Dushichka! Here's my little present... Anyhow, some people are pretty dense and need to be told what you want, perhaps your husband did not want to upset you, rather, he was genuinely unsure what to do.
          Aaah, thanks!
          But I don't think thats it. To me it feels like he couldn't be bothered to
          go to any effort, and that hurts.
          So many years of pretending to be delighted at presents, crap ones, ones
          that I have bought and wrapped myself, years of making other peoples days
          special , and no one did it for me! I wasn't in the mood to pretend it
          didn't matter, it did matter, a lot.


          Comment


          • #6
            Disappointment....

            >Long time lurker....

            Hello! Good for you for coming out of the shadows!
            Anyway, this story is going to sound really pathetic maybe, but I need toget it off my chest, and maybe for someone to tell me that I am anunreasonable cow...
            Well, since I'm not a "celebration" kind of person (other than Christmas), I'm
            not sure if I should be the one answering this, but... OTOH, maybe I can give
            you the other side's perspective!
            I am happily (until last week :-))) married, three children of 16,14 and 8.Last week it was my 40th birthday. Sort of looking forward to it and sort ofnot, if you know what I mean!For family birthdays (all) I do make a bit of a fuss, decorate the house,balloons, make a special cake etc.Well it came and went without event, and I mean that literally.I am upset.Hubby asked a few days before what I would like as a gift, and I sort oflaughed and said anything, but for gods sake don't buy me a necklace (Idon't wear them, and 2 years ago he bought me an absolutely GHASTLYexpensive one that I couldn't return)So guess what I got? From my daughter who is 8, a necklace.(He took her outthe afternoon before my bday, 1/2 an hour before having to go to work)Naturally I feigned delight, and I know it is the thought that counts,but....No present from him, (money is tight but not so much that he couldn't havegot me something)
            Okay... maybe he's thinking this way: You know that your **daughter** didn't
            cough up the money for the gift. He bought it. He took her to pick it out.
            The tag may have said from her, but isn't it really from him?

            He may also feel incompetent to buy gifts for you. He asked you, but you only
            told him what not to buy. For people who are at a loss in gift buying, this is
            *not* helpful.
            No decorations, no cake, no photos, nothing.I am so so upset.I waited a day and then said so.He is annoyed. With me for mentioning it. Do you know that for years I havehad to choose and then buy my own gifts, birthday and christmas, and Ireally really thought someone would make the effort to make my day a bitspecial, but no-one did.
            But... why did you expect it, when history says that you weren't going to get
            it? I mean, if, historically, things have been done "x" way, and you didn't
            specifically say "I don't want it done 'x-way', I want it done 'y-way'", why
            did you expect it to be y-way?
            My birthdays have always been abit **** celebration wise, so I feeldisappointed that this one was ****tier. At least last year I made a cake.Didn't this time cause I thought I would get one.....
            Since you said you've been happily married, I'm assuming your husband shows you
            he cares about you in *some* way. Remember that thread about love languages?
            It seems like you have "gifts" and "acts of service" among your top ones. As
            someone who scored **zero** on gifts, and not far above that on acts of
            service, I can tell you that it seems very foreign to us to put any emphasis on
            things like birthday parties and gifts. If you want your husband to do these
            things for you, you are going to have to speak very directly to it, preferably
            before the fact, and in a non-threatening, not angry way. You might also
            consider making a list of, say, ten or twelve items you want, and let him
            choose from among them.

            I also suspect that you might have to lower your expectations. I have friends
            who are very much the "celebrations" kind of people. I'm always amazed at the
            ideas they come up with, and I'm sure I never could. Thinking in that way just
            never, every occurs to me. If my DH were to suddenly want a party, he'd end up
            with a cake and a few balloons -- or I'd have to hire a planner!

            I understand that you feel neglected and hurt. I'm just saying that, assuming
            you do have a good marriage (which you say you do) this wasn't meant as a jab
            at you... this is simply a difference in perspective.

            Sheila

            Comment


            • #7
              Disappointment....

              >Long time lurker....

              Hello! Good for you for coming out of the shadows!
              Anyway, this story is going to sound really pathetic maybe, but I need toget it off my chest, and maybe for someone to tell me that I am anunreasonable cow...
              Well, since I'm not a "celebration" kind of person (other than Christmas), I'm
              not sure if I should be the one answering this, but... OTOH, maybe I can give
              you the other side's perspective!
              I am happily (until last week :-))) married, three children of 16,14 and 8.Last week it was my 40th birthday. Sort of looking forward to it and sort ofnot, if you know what I mean!For family birthdays (all) I do make a bit of a fuss, decorate the house,balloons, make a special cake etc.Well it came and went without event, and I mean that literally.I am upset.Hubby asked a few days before what I would like as a gift, and I sort oflaughed and said anything, but for gods sake don't buy me a necklace (Idon't wear them, and 2 years ago he bought me an absolutely GHASTLYexpensive one that I couldn't return)So guess what I got? From my daughter who is 8, a necklace.(He took her outthe afternoon before my bday, 1/2 an hour before having to go to work)Naturally I feigned delight, and I know it is the thought that counts,but....No present from him, (money is tight but not so much that he couldn't havegot me something)
              Okay... maybe he's thinking this way: You know that your **daughter** didn't
              cough up the money for the gift. He bought it. He took her to pick it out.
              The tag may have said from her, but isn't it really from him?

              He may also feel incompetent to buy gifts for you. He asked you, but you only
              told him what not to buy. For people who are at a loss in gift buying, this is
              *not* helpful.
              No decorations, no cake, no photos, nothing.I am so so upset.I waited a day and then said so.He is annoyed. With me for mentioning it. Do you know that for years I havehad to choose and then buy my own gifts, birthday and christmas, and Ireally really thought someone would make the effort to make my day a bitspecial, but no-one did.
              But... why did you expect it, when history says that you weren't going to get
              it? I mean, if, historically, things have been done "x" way, and you didn't
              specifically say "I don't want it done 'x-way', I want it done 'y-way'", why
              did you expect it to be y-way?
              My birthdays have always been abit **** celebration wise, so I feeldisappointed that this one was ****tier. At least last year I made a cake.Didn't this time cause I thought I would get one.....
              Since you said you've been happily married, I'm assuming your husband shows you
              he cares about you in *some* way. Remember that thread about love languages?
              It seems like you have "gifts" and "acts of service" among your top ones. As
              someone who scored **zero** on gifts, and not far above that on acts of
              service, I can tell you that it seems very foreign to us to put any emphasis on
              things like birthday parties and gifts. If you want your husband to do these
              things for you, you are going to have to speak very directly to it, preferably
              before the fact, and in a non-threatening, not angry way. You might also
              consider making a list of, say, ten or twelve items you want, and let him
              choose from among them.

              I also suspect that you might have to lower your expectations. I have friends
              who are very much the "celebrations" kind of people. I'm always amazed at the
              ideas they come up with, and I'm sure I never could. Thinking in that way just
              never, every occurs to me. If my DH were to suddenly want a party, he'd end up
              with a cake and a few balloons -- or I'd have to hire a planner!

              I understand that you feel neglected and hurt. I'm just saying that, assuming
              you do have a good marriage (which you say you do) this wasn't meant as a jab
              at you... this is simply a difference in perspective.

              Sheila

              Comment


              • #8
                Disappointment....

                "Dushichka" <[email protected]> wrote in message
                news:[email protected]
                Long time lurker.... Anyway, this story is going to sound really pathetic maybe, but I need to get it off my chest, and maybe for someone to tell me that I am an unreasonable cow... I am happily (until last week :-))) married, three children of 16,14 and
                8.
                Last week it was my 40th birthday. Sort of looking forward to it and sort
                of
                not, if you know what I mean! For family birthdays (all) I do make a bit of a fuss, decorate the house, balloons, make a special cake etc. Well it came and went without event, and I mean that literally.I am upset. Hubby asked a few days before what I would like as a gift, and I sort of laughed and said anything, but for gods sake don't buy me a necklace (I don't wear them, and 2 years ago he bought me an absolutely GHASTLY expensive one that I couldn't return) So guess what I got? From my daughter who is 8, a necklace.(He took her
                out
                the afternoon before my bday, 1/2 an hour before having to go to work) Naturally I feigned delight, and I know it is the thought that counts, but.... No present from him, (money is tight but not so much that he couldn't have got me something) No decorations, no cake, no photos, nothing. I am so so upset. I waited a day and then said so. He is annoyed. With me for mentioning it. Do you know that for years I
                have
                had to choose and then buy my own gifts, birthday and christmas, and I really really thought someone would make the effort to make my day a bit special, but no-one did. My birthdays have always been abit **** celebration wise, so I feel disappointed that this one was ****tier. At least last year I made a
                cake.
                Didn't this time cause I thought I would get one.....
                well, for starters, happy bday.

                Now, for the advice.... some people are just ****ty at gift-buying and
                celebrations. You are married to one. He will not change. You have to accept
                this - treat yourself good on your special days, because nobody else will.


                Comment


                • #9
                  Disappointment....

                  "Dushichka" <[email protected]> wrote in message
                  news:[email protected]
                  Long time lurker.... Anyway, this story is going to sound really pathetic maybe, but I need to get it off my chest, and maybe for someone to tell me that I am an unreasonable cow... I am happily (until last week :-))) married, three children of 16,14 and
                  8.
                  Last week it was my 40th birthday. Sort of looking forward to it and sort
                  of
                  not, if you know what I mean! For family birthdays (all) I do make a bit of a fuss, decorate the house, balloons, make a special cake etc. Well it came and went without event, and I mean that literally.I am upset. Hubby asked a few days before what I would like as a gift, and I sort of laughed and said anything, but for gods sake don't buy me a necklace (I don't wear them, and 2 years ago he bought me an absolutely GHASTLY expensive one that I couldn't return) So guess what I got? From my daughter who is 8, a necklace.(He took her
                  out
                  the afternoon before my bday, 1/2 an hour before having to go to work) Naturally I feigned delight, and I know it is the thought that counts, but.... No present from him, (money is tight but not so much that he couldn't have got me something) No decorations, no cake, no photos, nothing. I am so so upset. I waited a day and then said so. He is annoyed. With me for mentioning it. Do you know that for years I
                  have
                  had to choose and then buy my own gifts, birthday and christmas, and I really really thought someone would make the effort to make my day a bit special, but no-one did. My birthdays have always been abit **** celebration wise, so I feel disappointed that this one was ****tier. At least last year I made a
                  cake.
                  Didn't this time cause I thought I would get one.....
                  well, for starters, happy bday.

                  Now, for the advice.... some people are just ****ty at gift-buying and
                  celebrations. You are married to one. He will not change. You have to accept
                  this - treat yourself good on your special days, because nobody else will.


                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Disappointment....

                    "Dushichka <[email protected]>" wrote about her birthday
                    being essentially ignored, and how upset she was by it. But then she
                    added:
                    Do you know that for years I have had to choose and then buy my own gifts, birthday and christmas, and I really really thought someone would make the effort to make my day a bit special, but no-one did.
                    It sounds like you've trained your family *not* to do anything. They
                    just did what they've been taught. Every so often, people need to ask
                    themselves "What's not working?", and it sounds to me as though you
                    are now exactly in the right place to answer that question.

                    The parallel question is "What is working?", which people should also
                    ask. In our case, house decorating and cake baking and such are family
                    activities, which we think definitely is working well. The guest of
                    honor chooses the kind of cake, and we make it as a sort of group
                    project.

                    The birthday person can decorate the cake, or enlist help as needed.
                    Small children tend to decorate somewhat chaotically (we once had a cake
                    with 9 Pooh heads, a train, tiny balloons, a number 3, sprinkles, AND
                    M-and-Ms). When the guest of honor has wanted help, I've done a
                    hand-drawn Superman logo (came out better than I expected), a circuit
                    board with age in binary using numeral candles (the guest of honor was
                    100110), a castle, a treasure chest, and once I made an entire
                    rectangular cake into a big numeral "1". As my father likes pictures of
                    kids sticking their fingers into a cake, one year I traced the kid's
                    hands on foil (waxed paper would have been better) and cut them out.
                    Then I put down blue icing, put the foil hands over top of that, and put
                    down white icing. Pulling up the foil, I was left with a cake with two
                    kid-sized handprints on it. Grandpa was delighted.

                    Adult birthdays work the same as kid birthdays: they need less help
                    working the mixer and stove, but there is usually no shortage of
                    volunteers for mixing and icing and decorating. As far as I'm
                    concerned, making the cake with the kids is more fun than getting
                    presents.


                    ANYWAY, back to your situation. You are not wrong to want some special
                    aspects to your birthday. But if you usually buy your own gifts, and
                    make your own cake, it's not astonishing that your family members didn't
                    do so this year. How were they supposed to know? (Economically
                    speaking, gift-giving is a horribly inefficient way of getting the right
                    stuff to the right people. How often have you heard or said "I have no
                    idea what to get" ? Buying your own stuff may not be a bad idea, but
                    may not be really needed.)


                    So while you're not unreasonable to want a bit more attention on your
                    birthday, it's not reasonable to expect everybody else to adapt to new
                    ways of doing things in one step, with little or no warning. The reason
                    it doesn't work, it seems to me, is that *you* run all the birthdays.
                    Nobody else knows exactly what's involved, and nobody gets practice
                    doing it. What you need to do is make up a new system, in which each
                    person's birthday is a family event in which everybody participates, and
                    get them used to it. Then next year, they'll be able to do it for you.

                    Herewith are my suggestions. If you do these things for every birthday
                    between now and next year, and then set up your birthday the same way
                    as everybody else's has been done, they may have gotten used to it and
                    then follow through.

                    Ask each person for a list of birthday requests about 2 months
                    beforehand. The list should be longer than what the person will
                    actually get, so as to preserve some surprise. The other family members
                    will discuss among themselves what items on the list to get. You'll be
                    in on several of these operations, which will let you guide them through
                    the process and they'll hopefully be able to do it themselves when it's
                    your birthday.

                    If some special activity is intended (pool party, or miniature golf, or
                    whatever), that also has to be stated in advance so that reservations
                    can be made and invitations sent and so on. If the house is to be
                    decorated, get the others to participate: ask the birthday person what
                    decorations they want, and (with the birthday person observing) enlist
                    everyone's help in setting things up.

                    If you don't have some sort of wall calendar hanging in the kitchen or
                    other conspicuous place, get one. (Something like this would probably
                    do: <http://moretimemoms.com/products/products1.html>.) Be sure to mark
                    each birthday very clearly so it can be seen way in advance.

                    For at least one birthday besides yours, send your husband out with a
                    kid and the list. This will give him practice getting things. If he
                    goofs up, you can point out that this wasn't on the list, or is known to
                    be wrong in some way, and he can take another crack at it. Try not to
                    nag.

                    Find out from the guest of honor what kind of cake they want, and ensure
                    that it gets made correctly with as much or as little help as needed.


                    Then, next year, put your birthday on the calendar, make your list, tell
                    everybody what kind of cake you want and let them help with making it,
                    and so on. With any luck, by the time four birthdays have been done in
                    this way, they'll have adjusted to the pattern and be able to make your
                    birthday work out better for you.

                    It may take a birthday or two to fully implement whatever you decide on;
                    at first, you might have to say "Throckmorton, what decorations do you
                    want for your birthday?", and "Aloysius, can you help me with these
                    decorations for Throcky's birthday?", and get limited help until the
                    idea sinks in that "Birthdays are not entirely on Mom's shoulders."


                    These suggestions will likely need some customisation for your
                    particular situation, but I hope you find them useful. On the other
                    hand, if everything I've written here is garbage, remember what you paid
                    for it. 8-)


                    Darren Provine ! [email protected] ! http://www.rowan.edu/~kilroy
                    "Hobbits give presents to other people on their own birthdays. Not
                    very expensive ones, as a rule... it was not a bad system. Actually
                    in Hobbiton and Bywater every day in the year was somebody's birthday,
                    so that every hobbit in those parts had a fair chance of at least one
                    present at least once a week. But they never got tired of them."
                    -- from _The Lord of the Rings_, by JRR Tolkien

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Disappointment....

                      "Dushichka <[email protected]>" wrote about her birthday
                      being essentially ignored, and how upset she was by it. But then she
                      added:
                      Do you know that for years I have had to choose and then buy my own gifts, birthday and christmas, and I really really thought someone would make the effort to make my day a bit special, but no-one did.
                      It sounds like you've trained your family *not* to do anything. They
                      just did what they've been taught. Every so often, people need to ask
                      themselves "What's not working?", and it sounds to me as though you
                      are now exactly in the right place to answer that question.

                      The parallel question is "What is working?", which people should also
                      ask. In our case, house decorating and cake baking and such are family
                      activities, which we think definitely is working well. The guest of
                      honor chooses the kind of cake, and we make it as a sort of group
                      project.

                      The birthday person can decorate the cake, or enlist help as needed.
                      Small children tend to decorate somewhat chaotically (we once had a cake
                      with 9 Pooh heads, a train, tiny balloons, a number 3, sprinkles, AND
                      M-and-Ms). When the guest of honor has wanted help, I've done a
                      hand-drawn Superman logo (came out better than I expected), a circuit
                      board with age in binary using numeral candles (the guest of honor was
                      100110), a castle, a treasure chest, and once I made an entire
                      rectangular cake into a big numeral "1". As my father likes pictures of
                      kids sticking their fingers into a cake, one year I traced the kid's
                      hands on foil (waxed paper would have been better) and cut them out.
                      Then I put down blue icing, put the foil hands over top of that, and put
                      down white icing. Pulling up the foil, I was left with a cake with two
                      kid-sized handprints on it. Grandpa was delighted.

                      Adult birthdays work the same as kid birthdays: they need less help
                      working the mixer and stove, but there is usually no shortage of
                      volunteers for mixing and icing and decorating. As far as I'm
                      concerned, making the cake with the kids is more fun than getting
                      presents.


                      ANYWAY, back to your situation. You are not wrong to want some special
                      aspects to your birthday. But if you usually buy your own gifts, and
                      make your own cake, it's not astonishing that your family members didn't
                      do so this year. How were they supposed to know? (Economically
                      speaking, gift-giving is a horribly inefficient way of getting the right
                      stuff to the right people. How often have you heard or said "I have no
                      idea what to get" ? Buying your own stuff may not be a bad idea, but
                      may not be really needed.)


                      So while you're not unreasonable to want a bit more attention on your
                      birthday, it's not reasonable to expect everybody else to adapt to new
                      ways of doing things in one step, with little or no warning. The reason
                      it doesn't work, it seems to me, is that *you* run all the birthdays.
                      Nobody else knows exactly what's involved, and nobody gets practice
                      doing it. What you need to do is make up a new system, in which each
                      person's birthday is a family event in which everybody participates, and
                      get them used to it. Then next year, they'll be able to do it for you.

                      Herewith are my suggestions. If you do these things for every birthday
                      between now and next year, and then set up your birthday the same way
                      as everybody else's has been done, they may have gotten used to it and
                      then follow through.

                      Ask each person for a list of birthday requests about 2 months
                      beforehand. The list should be longer than what the person will
                      actually get, so as to preserve some surprise. The other family members
                      will discuss among themselves what items on the list to get. You'll be
                      in on several of these operations, which will let you guide them through
                      the process and they'll hopefully be able to do it themselves when it's
                      your birthday.

                      If some special activity is intended (pool party, or miniature golf, or
                      whatever), that also has to be stated in advance so that reservations
                      can be made and invitations sent and so on. If the house is to be
                      decorated, get the others to participate: ask the birthday person what
                      decorations they want, and (with the birthday person observing) enlist
                      everyone's help in setting things up.

                      If you don't have some sort of wall calendar hanging in the kitchen or
                      other conspicuous place, get one. (Something like this would probably
                      do: <http://moretimemoms.com/products/products1.html>.) Be sure to mark
                      each birthday very clearly so it can be seen way in advance.

                      For at least one birthday besides yours, send your husband out with a
                      kid and the list. This will give him practice getting things. If he
                      goofs up, you can point out that this wasn't on the list, or is known to
                      be wrong in some way, and he can take another crack at it. Try not to
                      nag.

                      Find out from the guest of honor what kind of cake they want, and ensure
                      that it gets made correctly with as much or as little help as needed.


                      Then, next year, put your birthday on the calendar, make your list, tell
                      everybody what kind of cake you want and let them help with making it,
                      and so on. With any luck, by the time four birthdays have been done in
                      this way, they'll have adjusted to the pattern and be able to make your
                      birthday work out better for you.

                      It may take a birthday or two to fully implement whatever you decide on;
                      at first, you might have to say "Throckmorton, what decorations do you
                      want for your birthday?", and "Aloysius, can you help me with these
                      decorations for Throcky's birthday?", and get limited help until the
                      idea sinks in that "Birthdays are not entirely on Mom's shoulders."


                      These suggestions will likely need some customisation for your
                      particular situation, but I hope you find them useful. On the other
                      hand, if everything I've written here is garbage, remember what you paid
                      for it. 8-)


                      Darren Provine ! [email protected] ! http://www.rowan.edu/~kilroy
                      "Hobbits give presents to other people on their own birthdays. Not
                      very expensive ones, as a rule... it was not a bad system. Actually
                      in Hobbiton and Bywater every day in the year was somebody's birthday,
                      so that every hobbit in those parts had a fair chance of at least one
                      present at least once a week. But they never got tired of them."
                      -- from _The Lord of the Rings_, by JRR Tolkien

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Disappointment....

                        On Wed, 28 Jul 2004 16:44:25 +0100, Dushichka
                        <[email protected]> wrote:
                        "Ignoramus31782" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]
                        Happy birthday Dushichka! Here's my little present... Anyhow, some people are pretty dense and need to be told what you want, perhaps your husband did not want to upset you, rather, he was genuinely unsure what to do.
                        Aaah, thanks! But I don't think thats it. To me it feels like he couldn't be bothered to go to any effort, and that hurts.
                        I believe you may have misinterpreted his motives. My wife is married to
                        a guy who really doesn't celebrate holidays. I have always been like
                        that. I don't shop for meaningful gifts because I have bad taste and I
                        invariably pick the wrong thing. I have started buying gift certificates
                        to restaurants for us (kind of like buying a present for me too)

                        For Christmas, my wife posts a list of things she wants on the
                        refrigerator I take the list and a couple of weeks before Christmas, I go
                        down the list mapping out my path through the "strip mall jungle" to "bag"
                        the presents with the least amount of effort. I hate wrapping them, but I
                        do it anyway, and last year I bought a bunch of gift bags and tissue
                        paper.
                        So many years of pretending to be delighted at presents, crap ones, ones that I have bought and wrapped myself, years of making other peoples days special , and no one did it for me! I wasn't in the mood to pretend it didn't matter, it did matter, a lot.
                        Have you ever read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman? You sound
                        like a giving/receiving gifts kind of person, and I bet your husband is
                        not. You also seem to be reading lack of concern into his ignorance about
                        gift giving.

                        Here's a link to the book if you're interested.

                        http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...57618?v=glance

                        -Tony

                        --
                        "If the grass appears to be greener on the other side of the fence, it's time
                        to fertilize your lawn!"
                        Want to jump start your marriage? Consider a Marriage Encounter weekend.
                        Check out http://www.wwme.org for more information.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Disappointment....

                          On Wed, 28 Jul 2004 16:44:25 +0100, Dushichka
                          <[email protected]> wrote:
                          "Ignoramus31782" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]
                          Happy birthday Dushichka! Here's my little present... Anyhow, some people are pretty dense and need to be told what you want, perhaps your husband did not want to upset you, rather, he was genuinely unsure what to do.
                          Aaah, thanks! But I don't think thats it. To me it feels like he couldn't be bothered to go to any effort, and that hurts.
                          I believe you may have misinterpreted his motives. My wife is married to
                          a guy who really doesn't celebrate holidays. I have always been like
                          that. I don't shop for meaningful gifts because I have bad taste and I
                          invariably pick the wrong thing. I have started buying gift certificates
                          to restaurants for us (kind of like buying a present for me too)

                          For Christmas, my wife posts a list of things she wants on the
                          refrigerator I take the list and a couple of weeks before Christmas, I go
                          down the list mapping out my path through the "strip mall jungle" to "bag"
                          the presents with the least amount of effort. I hate wrapping them, but I
                          do it anyway, and last year I bought a bunch of gift bags and tissue
                          paper.
                          So many years of pretending to be delighted at presents, crap ones, ones that I have bought and wrapped myself, years of making other peoples days special , and no one did it for me! I wasn't in the mood to pretend it didn't matter, it did matter, a lot.
                          Have you ever read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman? You sound
                          like a giving/receiving gifts kind of person, and I bet your husband is
                          not. You also seem to be reading lack of concern into his ignorance about
                          gift giving.

                          Here's a link to the book if you're interested.

                          http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...57618?v=glance

                          -Tony

                          --
                          "If the grass appears to be greener on the other side of the fence, it's time
                          to fertilize your lawn!"
                          Want to jump start your marriage? Consider a Marriage Encounter weekend.
                          Check out http://www.wwme.org for more information.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Disappointment....

                            Dushichka <[email protected]> wrote:
                            *
                            * "Ignoramus31782" <[email protected]> wrote in message
                            * news:[email protected]
                            * > Happy birthday Dushichka!
                            * >
                            * > Here's my little present...
                            * > Anyhow, some people are pretty dense and need to be told what you
                            * > want, perhaps your husband did not want to upset you, rather, he was
                            * > genuinely unsure what to do.
                            * >
                            *
                            * Aaah, thanks!
                            * But I don't think thats it. To me it feels like he couldn't be bothered to
                            * go to any effort, and that hurts.
                            * So many years of pretending to be delighted at presents, crap ones, ones
                            * that I have bought and wrapped myself, years of making other peoples days
                            * special , and no one did it for me! I wasn't in the mood to pretend it
                            * didn't matter, it did matter, a lot.
                            *
                            *

                            Well, can you tell this to your husband, two weeks before your
                            birthday, in terms that are friendly but completely unambiguous. Don't
                            waffle, tell him like it is, it will probably work.

                            As I said, some people are just very dense about that.

                            i

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Disappointment....

                              Dushichka <[email protected]> wrote:
                              *
                              * "Ignoramus31782" <[email protected]> wrote in message
                              * news:[email protected]
                              * > Happy birthday Dushichka!
                              * >
                              * > Here's my little present...
                              * > Anyhow, some people are pretty dense and need to be told what you
                              * > want, perhaps your husband did not want to upset you, rather, he was
                              * > genuinely unsure what to do.
                              * >
                              *
                              * Aaah, thanks!
                              * But I don't think thats it. To me it feels like he couldn't be bothered to
                              * go to any effort, and that hurts.
                              * So many years of pretending to be delighted at presents, crap ones, ones
                              * that I have bought and wrapped myself, years of making other peoples days
                              * special , and no one did it for me! I wasn't in the mood to pretend it
                              * didn't matter, it did matter, a lot.
                              *
                              *

                              Well, can you tell this to your husband, two weeks before your
                              birthday, in terms that are friendly but completely unambiguous. Don't
                              waffle, tell him like it is, it will probably work.

                              As I said, some people are just very dense about that.

                              i

                              Comment

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