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Five letters: Pro/con on adoption

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  • Five letters: Pro/con on adoption

    Five letters: Pro/con on adoption

    Tuesday, February 24, 2004

    Pro: Anti-adoption charges specious

    Reading the anti-adoption letters was so disturbing that I had to take some
    time to recover before responding ["Four anti-adoption letters," February 19].
    It is amazing to see such venom aimed at adoptive parents.

    Most especially this unkindest cut of all: "It used to be that adoption was an
    attempt to provide a home for a true orphan. Unfortunately, now adoption has
    become about providing an infant for a needy adult or adults. I hope someone
    wises up and recognizes that these adults (and the agencies/lawyers
    representing them) should not be given tax credits or bonuses or any help with
    adopting. For one thing, the children who really need homes need someone who is
    willing to sacrifice for them, not someone who views them as a source of

    What an unfair judgment of a group of people about whom you obviously know

    Adoptive parents sacrifice in many ways for their children, in ways that those
    who have never adopted will never understand. Most pay considerable fees to
    adopt - they do not financially profit from adoption, and the mere suggestion
    that the child is viewed as a source of income is reprehensible.

    The tax credit is good only in the year of adoption and is meant to help
    alleviate some of the cost of adoption. Adoption fees in most cases are
    outrageous, but the adoptive parents are the victims of those fees, so why
    blame them? The birth parent pays nothing and gets her medical expenses paid.
    One point made is viable - children are not chattel for the selling.

    Whatever the financial cost of adopting, it pales in comparison to the pain
    inflicted by knowing your child will suffer as an adoptee. If one is an
    adoptive parent of a child whose birth parents didn't seriously consider
    parenting him/her, one wonders how to ever manage to answer the inevitable
    questions with integrity without further damage to his/her self image. That is
    just for starters.

    Then s/he begins to hear talk shows on TV devaluing the adoptive parent/child
    relationship, and people declaring their whole lives were unsatisfactory until
    they "found" their birth parents, no matter how their adoptive parents loved

    This plants the idea that his/her life is a poor imitation of things as they
    should be, and the fun really begins. S/he suffers rejection wondering about
    the birth parents; wondering why they didn't raise him, where they are, what
    they look like.

    The adoptive parents suffer when they realize that no matter how much
    reassurance they give the child, they cannot assuage this pain. The adoptive
    parents did not cause this pain - they merely gave a home to a child, hoping
    and praying to make a positive difference in the child's life! They will
    nevertheless suffer as if they were the cause, because the child will blame
    them to some degree in his confusion, because he is but a child. Some, as
    evidenced by these letters, will tragically never outgrow their need to blame.

    Many of these reactions will eventually happen in any event, but some messages
    adoptive children hear will cause them to suffer from certain doubts that would
    not naturally have occurred to them for many years, when they are more ready to
    deal with them.

    While I support "reunions" and open adoptions, more care needs to be taken in
    the messages that are sent to adoptive children by advocacy groups, and they
    need to accept responsibility for their own part in fueling such
    dissatisfaction among adoptees.

    Yes, there are many problems inherent in adoption; there are few worthwhile
    things that are not attended by their own set of problems. Yet not one of the
    anti-adoption letters offered any alternative for the child whose parents do
    not want to raise him or her. Not one acknowledged that there could ever be a
    case in which adoption was a loving alternative.

    I am an enthusiastic supporter of keeping children with their birth parents
    whenever possible, and of offering all the help one can to support a parent who
    chooses this. You won't get an argument from me on that point. I have worked
    with several crisis pregnancy centers in three states. The centers I worked
    with and many others supply from donations and free of charge, pregnancy
    testing, maternity clothing, baby clothing and accessories, counseling and
    other services, many with all-volunteer help.

    The adoption alternative is offered as a last-ditch option to those considering
    abortion. It is hardly ever seriously considered. As another writer stated,
    most would rather have their babies aborted than adopted.

    While in the past, many families were unwisely and unfairly separated because
    of biases against unwed parenting and pressure on young mothers, that is hardly
    the case now. There is no conspiracy to separate young mothers from their
    children in order to "supply" babies to potentially adoptive parents. Now the
    bias is all against adoption and the pendulum has swung too far.

    The fact remains, the reason adoption exists is because many birth moms refuse
    to consider parenting. Abortion exists for the same reason, not as one person
    speciously asserted that "because of adoption there is now abortion,"
    contending that the pain of adoption forces adoptees and birth parents to
    choose abortion in future pregnancies. Most abortion seekers are pregnant for
    the first time, and few of them are adoptees. Death before adoption is not a
    loving choice; it is one made by people too confused by their pain to see
    things clearly.

    Finally, Moses was able to be with and return to his family because of the
    intervention of his adoptive mother. Without her protection, he would have died
    like the rest of the children who were tragically slaughtered. She was God's
    provision for his very life.

    Lynne Lavinder

    Ps.34:17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from
    all their troubles. 18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those
    who are crushed in spirit.

    Pro: Adopted child responds to four letters against adoption

    My first thought when viewing the heading of a page that indicated
    anti-adoption letters was, "How can any sane person be anti-adoption"?

    After reading these letters I have never felt so tearful, nauseous, and
    disgusted as I was with the views documented there.

    My initial gut instinct tells me that the writers of these letters are either
    seriously misinformed or have some other emotional problems outside of the
    adoption experience or both.

    If any of the writers truly are scarred due to their adoption experience, I
    feel an intense sense of pity for all of those involved.

    Unfortunately, thanks to books such as the ones listed by Laurie Frisch, the
    Internet, and "touching" sensationalist television such as Oprah, Maury,
    Montel, and the rest, the majority of negative stories that are heard on
    adoption are delivered by those with an axe to grind. The overwhelming number
    of happy, well-adjusted adoptive families are not heard from... What for? We're
    happy. We aren't activists with an agenda.

    I was adopted as an infant in 1964. I have nothing but thanks, respect, and
    compassion for my birth mother. She did something totally outstanding and
    unselfish that the four anti-adoption letter writers cannot fully understand.
    She thought of her baby's welfare above all.

    She had the wisdom and common sense to know that I was not a doll or a puppy to
    be loved and played with when it was convenient for her not to be at work or at
    school or out on a date.

    She wanted me to have the benefit of two parents who were prepared and
    anxiously awaiting a child of their own. She wanted me to have an intact family
    where the focus would be on me and not on where my next meal was coming from,
    or if I'd have clothes for the winter, or if I'd always be sleeping in someone
    else's bed so that she could work and then go to school in the evenings.

    I wish that my birth mother had been able to have some of her expenses covered.
    I certainly wouldn't have considered that she had "sold me" to the highest
    bidder, or that I was the supply in response to the demand (re: Tricia Shore).
    I just feel badly that today there are so few adoptable infants available (yes,
    due to abortion and to the thinking of, "I'M going to keep MY baby" no matter

    If monetary compensation of expenses made the difference between an abortion
    and adoption, I'm sure there are countless numbers of children in the world
    that are awfully glad that their mothers accepted the help when it was offered.

    My adoptive parents (Mom and Dad) lived up to my birth mother's expectations
    and then some. We didn't have a perfect life, but the kids always came first,
    and we never doubted that we were truly wanted and loved.

    Anti-adoption advocates (I can't believe our society has now included yet
    another advocacy arena) are not doing what both sets of my parents have done -
    thinking of the child first.

    There is no greater love than that of a parent for their child.

    Lisa Rohrscheib

    Con: Adoptive parents can't "begat"

    Adoption as we know it has for years been based on secrecy and lies.

    There are many, many mothers of adoption loss coming forth, shedding their
    cloak of "guilt" and speaking of their treatment.

    Folks, the adoption experiment - shame the unwed Mother, heap guilt upon her,
    promise her anything until the adoption industry gets the commodity, then
    dispose of her like yesterday's trash - failed.

    I lost my only daughter to adoption when I was 16 in 1963. I was promised my
    daughter would go to a "businessman and his wife, in the suburbs of D.C., and
    they were of the Episcopalian faith." I was also led to believe by my social
    wrecker that when my daughter turned 18 we would be reunited. All that turned
    out to be a lie.

    Mothers of the 60s lost their babies to the industry, not because they were bad
    parents, but because they were unmarried and uninformed. Our parents were
    caught up in, "What will people think?"

    Our churches and places of worship, instead of lending a hand, let us know we
    were not welcome. Mothers had to travel by cover of night to another town or
    another state, check into the maternity facility, and have their name even
    taken away from them.

    We were brainwashed and drugged. Most of us had our babies alone without
    benefit of painkiller, or had pillows shoved into our faces so we couldn't see
    "it." Many of us were not allowed to grieve and were expected to come home and
    act as if nothing happened. It was not mentioned again. I wonder how many
    "walking dead" mothers were in my class when I returned to school?

    Thank God we have found a voice and are speaking out. As long as there is
    breath in my body I will tell and share the truth. My feeling is genealogy must
    be important to the Lord, or there wouldn't be so many "begats" in the Bible.

    Thank you.

    Pollie Wisham Robinson
    Pacolet, South Carolina

    Con: With death there is closure

    It sickens me to see all the effort to promote adoption in the USA. My daughter
    had her daughter stolen from her in a fraudulent adoption scam, and even with
    the crimes of fraud and coercion admitted to in a court of law, the lawyer was
    not punished nor was my granddaughter returned to her mother.

    Hundreds, perhaps thousands, of similar victims have resorted to turning to the
    United Nations Human Rights Commission for help to stop these abuses, because
    our own government refuses to help us. For over two years the UN HRC led us on,
    gathered cases and evidence and worked in communicating with the U.S.
    government to end these abuses, only to have the matter suddenly and
    unexplainably dropped, while the same issues in Canada got addressed and much
    progress made.

    With death there is closure. You mourn but you go on. With adoption the
    mourning lasts forever. Because your child is out there somewhere, your
    suffering never ends.

    Open adoptions are usually closed before the ink dries on the adoption decree,
    and the mothers have no protection against this fraud. The mothers have no
    protection against any of the many forms of fraud that are commonplace in
    today's adoption industry.

    Melinda Walmsley
    Minneapolis, Kansas

    Con: My story

    I am in support of keeping mommies and babies together. Saint Lucia's (she is
    the saint and the 90,000 people that witnessed the miracle of Fatima) mother
    took in a young pregnant girl that the family wanted to disown (as the young
    mother was a disgrace).

    The young mother had the baby, but the father wanted the young mother to live
    with him and the baby to stay at Saint Lucia's mother's house.

    Saint Lucia's mother persisted that the young mother and baby live with the
    father, and soon they all became a happy family at the father's house. Saint
    Lucia's mother said, (paraphrase) that when the parents can own up to their own
    sin, then they can see the daughter and her baby in a different light.

    I see that most adult parents wouldn't do this. Also Moses's mother was paid
    for nursing him by the Pharoh's daughter.

    From my own experience, I was walked into an abortion clinic by my Catholic mom
    and dad. The baby's father wrote me a check. I was 18-years-old in 1978. I
    turned around and walked out. My parents sent me away to a Catholic unwed
    mother's home (truly the only warmth of family I had ever felt for five

    My parents acted poor so they wouldn't have to pay for any of my stay. They had
    50 acres of land in a very upscale neighborhood. I was ostracized and ridiculed
    and ignored. OH! I forgot they were mighty professors of an upscale private
    university and didn't want the neighbors to know that they were into
    pornography. Father liked touching and talking dirty to his daughter and
    beating his son. Mother distant. OH! But they didn't smoke or drink, and they
    educated their children in the finest Catholic schools. Oh, how they were

    The social worker was on to something but didn't want to get involved. They
    just wanted a baby. There was no attempt to try to pull this family together.
    Everything happened so fast, especially when I wanted to keep the baby.

    Things became worse. My family didn't want to confront the problems in the
    family. It was lie after lie, twist, and turn that my parents didn't want to
    confront, and eventually they said that I was of age and made my decision. They
    wanted to keep things quiet about all of the "sin" (especially when I was born
    out of wedlock myself).

    I begged people to help me. "Don't let her breastfeed that child, or she will
    keep that child;" "Give that mother no help;" "We can't help you;" "I am sorry
    if your parents won't help you, but we can't. I am not going to help you. I
    have to work and good luck."

    Everyone passed blame, but no one looked at their own adult sins to help a
    young mother and her infant - a mother who is still bleeding and breasts full
    of milk.

    This is the cruelest inhuman treatment of a human being - to be literally
    forced to surrender a child. Around and around my head spins, like the wise
    woman in Solomon's story who would give her baby up rather than have the baby
    subjected to being killed, and in my case hated by her family and society.

    A happy ending (even though my daughter, after hiring a private investigator,
    won't respond to anything I send): I have two wonderful children who I do get
    to parent. I have a wonderful supportive husband of 20 years.

    I am a PHD twice and a naturopathy doctorate soon to boot. I was in therapy for
    10 years until I got my babies. Then I was back to "normal."

    I am constantly seeking ways to make my family better and break the cycle of
    insanity of experts and family bigotry and hypocrisies. I want to thank all of
    those involved that brought me to this point today. I could not have done it
    without you.

    Rene Willard

    A good friend will come and bail you out of jail . . . but, a true friend will
    be sitting next to you saying, "**** . . . that was fun!"

  • #2
    Please stop necroposting to posts from 2.5 years ago. This poster has not posted anything since May of 2004.
    Last edited by mommyof4; 10-23-2006, 01:58 PM.
    How do you catch a very rare rabbit?
    (unique up on him)
    How do catch an ordinary rabbit?
    (same way)