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  • Giving up rights to son

    My husband and I are currently living in Arkansas with our 3 kids (2 year old daughter and 8 month old twins). He also has a son who is 3 months older than our daughter who lives in Oklahoma. He has no contact with the child because his mother is very uncooperative, to say the least. She constantly calls and harrasses us and threatens to have my husbands' rights taken away, stating tat her boyfriend is the baby's "father". We have attempted to be civil and be a part of the boy's life and she has made our lives a living hell. Once she called us about 3 weeks after we had kept the child for a weekend and threatened to have an investigation for child abuse launched against us because the child cried every time she turned on the bath tub. This is when my husband realized that if we continued to be in contact with her she could destroy our whole family. He has 3 other kids to think about as well. She would call my husband and talk about how she cheats on her boyfriend while he was a t work. When she thought my husband was going alone to pick up the child (a 2 1/2 hour drive each way) she would come outside wearing next to nothing, see me in the car, turn and run back into the house to put different clothes on. She constantly finds reasons to call our house at all hours to harrass and threaten us. We are in fact thinking about restraining orders and such. My husband firmly believes that when his son is old enough to understand he will realize that the reason he wasn't around was because of his mother. He knows that the child is provided for. What would happen if he DID sign over rights? Would he still be responsible for child support? Would his ex-girlfriend have any reason to contact us after that? Could she stop him from doing so? Can someone please help? Is there any hope for us? In the beginning we wanted to try to get custody, but, we wouldn't be able to prove her an unfit mother. What now?

  • #2
    Originally posted by angrywifey View Post
    My husband and I are currently living in Arkansas with our 3 kids (2 year old daughter and 8 month old twins). He also has a son who is 3 months older than our daughter who lives in Oklahoma. He has no contact with the child because his mother is very uncooperative, to say the least.


    Is there any court orders for visitation?

    She constantly calls and harrasses us and threatens to have my husbands' rights taken away, stating tat her boyfriend is the baby's "father".

    Has paternity been established legally? And she can't just have his rights taken.

    We have attempted to be civil and be a part of the boy's life and she has made our lives a living hell. Once she called us about 3 weeks after we had kept the child for a weekend and threatened to have an investigation for child abuse launched against us because the child cried every time she turned on the bath tub.

    If it's true that the child cried all of a sudden when the tub was ran actually I would question things. Not sure I'd go the route she did but your husband would have been contacted.

    This is when my husband realized that if we continued to be in contact with her she could destroy our whole family. He has 3 other kids to think about as well.

    So he can throw this one away??

    She would call my husband and talk about how she cheats on her boyfriend while he was a t work. When she thought my husband was going alone to pick up the child (a 2 1/2 hour drive each way) she would come outside wearing next to nothing, see me in the car, turn and run back into the house to put different clothes on. She constantly finds reasons to call our house at all hours to harrass and threaten us.

    Most of that is irrelevant. When she calls does it have to do with the child? Don't answer the phone, make her leave messages. If it's important information about the child then either he will know or not.

    We are in fact thinking about restraining orders and such.

    Ok.. but know that she wouldn't be in violation if she's contacting about the child

    My husband firmly believes that when his son is old enough to understand he will realize that the reason he wasn't around was because of his mother.

    How is that when he's not around now to show him? He's leaving the child in a situation where he only sees one side of things and likely hears her side too. That doesn't help him any.

    He knows that the child is provided for. What would happen if he DID sign over rights?

    He can't just sign over rights. Again, are there any court orders concerning visitation or anything. The only way it could happen is if mom marrys and her husband (after a period of time) adopts the child.

    Would he still be responsible for child support?

    If he owes arrears he would but current support would stop... however again this will only happen if there's a step-parent adoption.

    Would his ex-girlfriend have any reason to contact us after that?

    Not if his rights are legally terminated

    Could she stop him from doing so? Can someone please help? Is there any hope for us? In the beginning we wanted to try to get custody, but, we wouldn't be able to prove her an unfit mother. What now?
    Situations like this bug me the most... So, it's either custody or NO contact at all... This is a child... Your husband cannot just unilaterally terminate his rights and no longer have responsibilities and obligations to the child.

    Comment


    • #3
      Also, your husband believes that the child will grow up and "understand" why Dad abandoned him? WRONG! The child will grow up feeling decieved and HATE his father.

      It sounds like your hubby is just looking for excuses to be a bad father. You need to hope and pray that some day he doesn't do the same to YOUR children.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by xena View Post
        Also, your husband believes that the child will grow up and "understand" why Dad abandoned him? WRONG! The child will grow up feeling decieved and HATE his father.

        It sounds like your hubby is just looking for excuses to be a bad father. You need to hope and pray that some day he doesn't do the same to YOUR children.
        A little harsh, don't you think? I am not sure that unless you've actually been in that situation, you can understand how disruptive an ex like this can be to not only the other parent, but the other parent's family, who has no responsibility to this child at all, but still has to suffer the consequences of an ex who is vindictive in this way and bent on making life hell. The argument "you knew it when you married him" may or may not be true, but it doesn't matter - no one signs on to be harassed and made miserable for 18 years.

        As one who has been there (and is still there...) - my personal advice to the OP is if there is no custody/visitation order, GET ONE. If there is, have it ENFORCED. There is such a thing as parental alienation syndrome, and if all you say is believed at face value, you should carefully document everything, save all phone messages and/or e-mails, and limit contact as much as possible with the mother (ie: as suggested, do not answer the phone - let crazy lady leave messages - dual purpose - you don't have to talk to her, and she has willingly recorded her message, which is now yours to keep). I would personally be sure to accompany my husband to all pick-ups and drop-offs to ensure a witness to all events (which is helpful when she decides to make some outlandish accusation against your husband, which will probably occur at some point).
        I am not of the opinion that your husband should sacrifice his right to have contact with his child. Instead, he should play hardball and take the mother to court every time she violates the visitation order. The custody/visitation order can include language prohibiting her from contacting your family except in regard to the child (and from contacting YOU at all...), and it can include language prohibiting her from bad-mouthing the father to the child.
        Don't give up, which is likely what crazy lady wants - she can then just sit back and collect her child support without having to give anything up herself - life is good... I think some of these women just can't stand seeing their exs making a life for themselves without them, so go out of their way to make them miserable. You and your husband should use the legal system to fight back, not give up on the child.
        And BTW, I don't think the child will ultimately understand your husband's reasons for giving up on him, at least not in a timeframe that will make a future relationship that meaningful.
        Dad has rights. Dad should have them enforced.

        All JMHO

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by NonCometL View Post
          A little harsh, don't you think? I am not sure that unless you've actually been in that situation, you can understand how disruptive an ex like this can be to not only the other parent, but the other parent's family, who has no responsibility to this child at all, but still has to suffer the consequences of an ex who is vindictive in this way and bent on making life hell. The argument "you knew it when you married him" may or may not be true, but it doesn't matter - no one signs on to be harassed and made miserable for 18 years.

          As one who has been there (and is still there...) - my personal advice to the OP is if there is no custody/visitation order, GET ONE. If there is, have it ENFORCED. There is such a thing as parental alienation syndrome, and if all you say is believed at face value, you should carefully document everything, save all phone messages and/or e-mails, and limit contact as much as possible with the mother (ie: as suggested, do not answer the phone - let crazy lady leave messages - dual purpose - you don't have to talk to her, and she has willingly recorded her message, which is now yours to keep). I would personally be sure to accompany my husband to all pick-ups and drop-offs to ensure a witness to all events (which is helpful when she decides to make some outlandish accusation against your husband, which will probably occur at some point).
          I am not of the opinion that your husband should sacrifice his right to have contact with his child. Instead, he should play hardball and take the mother to court every time she violates the visitation order. The custody/visitation order can include language prohibiting her from contacting your family except in regard to the child (and from contacting YOU at all...), and it can include language prohibiting her from bad-mouthing the father to the child.
          Don't give up, which is likely what crazy lady wants - she can then just sit back and collect her child support without having to give anything up herself - life is good... I think some of these women just can't stand seeing their exs making a life for themselves without them, so go out of their way to make them miserable. You and your husband should use the legal system to fight back, not give up on the child.
          And BTW, I don't think the child will ultimately understand your husband's reasons for giving up on him, at least not in a timeframe that will make a future relationship that meaningful.
          Dad has rights. Dad should have them enforced.

          All JMHO
          No I don't think I was being harsh, I just called something that walks like a duck and quacks like a duck- a duck.

          You are very wrong that I don't understand what an evil, vindictive ex can do or the effect they can have on subsequent family. Unfortunately I do know- my husband's ex has made our life hell for 6 yrs- threatened us in writing, committed fraud in court, bankruptcy fraud and public housing fraud that cost us thousands of dollars AND has tried to have us KILLED.

          The fact is that no matter how evil an ex is, if there are minor children involved the children have to be supported financially by the NCP, and giving up rights is NOT a way of getting out of CS, nor does it make the evil ex go away.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by xena View Post
            No I don't think I was being harsh, I just called something that walks like a duck and quacks like a duck- a duck.


            I don't think making the leap from a WIFE who is asking questions to a FATHER who is just looking for excuses is calling something a "duck" as you put it. Your reply was "It sounds like your hubby is just looking for excuses to be a bad father. You need to hope and pray that some day he doesn't do the same to YOUR children." and it seems a little unfair to make that accusation based on the fact that this woman is sick and tired of playing the game with a psycho CP. I know - I get sick of it too, and despite the fact that I love my husband's son, don't think there aren't times I wish the whole situation would just go away.

            You are very wrong that I don't understand what an evil, vindictive ex can do or the effect they can have on subsequent family. Unfortunately I do know- my husband's ex has made our life hell for 6 yrs- threatened us in writing, committed fraud in court, bankruptcy fraud and public housing fraud that cost us thousands of dollars AND has tried to have us KILLED.

            Then I'm sure you can sympathize with, or at the least understand, this woman's feelings on the matter, and can probably understand how she might feel that way, and why it might occasionally enter someone's mind that they want OUT. It is mentally and emotionally draining even for the strongest person to constantly be under this sort of stress.

            The fact is that no matter how evil an ex is, if there are minor children involved the children have to be supported financially by the NCP, and giving up rights is NOT a way of getting out of CS, nor does it make the evil ex go away.
            Oh, I agree with you there, but I'm not sure that this woman was just looking for a way to get out of paying CS - that wasn't what I felt the crux of the post was, but rather the extreme frustration that comes from being stuck in such a situation. Given your own situation, would you consider the child support payment to be the primary consideration in getting the problem to stop, or (if you've done this) getting custody of the child? I know that's not the motivation I've felt in the past. I'll admit there are days when I feel like this is NOT what I signed up for - *I* didn't do anything to this bimbo but love her kid, yet I am the constant target of her insanity, and when it's not me, its the father (and yes, I seem to come first on the list). None of the BS in my situation started until my relationship got serious, and then, for reasons known only to herself, an all out war was started. I can definitely see why some might harbor an "its not worth it" mentality, especially if its the new spouse. Because it probably *isn't* worth it to her at this point. As a step parent in a lousy situation perhaps you too can understand that you can never win. If you have a good, involved relationship with the child, you're an interloper, and if you don't, you just don't want to pay the support and are looking for ways to turn dad against his "other" children. There are people (esp. the custodial mothers in our lives) who are always going to see it that way. Its no wonder the poor woman is sick of it. We aren't all prepared to sign up for 18 years of abuse at the hands of "the ex" and in reality, SHE doesn't owe this child anything. She, like many women, may (or may not) have been prepared to help raise this child with her husband and accept that as a part of the bargain, but I don't think all that many women are fully prepared for the horror show that dealing with the ex can become.
            I just think making the assumption that the dad just wants an excuse to get out of paying support is a little over the top.

            Comment


            • #7
              Thank you! You really understand where I am coming from! We DID want the child in the beginning and were fully preppared to take on the responsibility. We wanted either full custody or even half if she would consent to it! We were in Germany when the boy was born and unable to seee him for a year. We sent money, gifts, whatever and tried to be civil to his mother. The first place my hsband went when we were back state-side for the first time was go to Oklahoma (He's from San Diego) to see his son and she fought with him about it! She almost didn't let him see his son! We want to have a relationship with the child, he is our childrens' big brother! We want our kids to have a relationship with him! She has made our lives a living hell, just as you said, because she can't stand to see him move on. They only dated for 3 months and when she got pregnant it was 3 months after they had broken up!!! It was a booty call! He never even talked to her again until she told him she was pregnant. She had previously had 2 other abortions from 2 other men, and my husband wouldn't have argued over a third (I'm totally against it, but, I sometimes wish she had.). She insisted on keeping the child, I think, because (a) he was in the military and made good money and (b) thought she could keep him if she did. But, by the time she told him he was already dating me and that REALLY pissed her off. And we found out shortly after we were married, wich was very shortly after we started dating, that we were pregnant as well. We didn't even tell her until I was like 5 months because we didn't want to here her crap!!! She's crazy!!! The only reason he even dated her for 3 months was because she tried killing herself the first two times he broke up with her!!! I know it to be true because I was in the air force as well and lived in the same dorm and we worked inthe same shop. And now I feel so trapped because it seems she will win after all! She is tearing apart our marriage because we are both so angry at her that we take it out on each other. SHe even calls his MOM and tries to lie to her about stuff. I tried in the beginning to befriend her and be nice to her but she would go behind my back and tell my husband that I siad this oI said that, trying to cause a fight. We even invite her into our home to make her feel more comfortable about leaving her son with us and while she was here she made a pass at my husband while I was in the other room! It's very difficult to deal with some one who is so immature and low as to use a child this way. He's an innocent child! We could give him so much and enrich his life in so many ways!!! She won't allow it. So, yes, it is sad that my husband feels the way he does, but, it's even more sad that she would fight for her son NOT to see his father than to fight for him TO see his father. Do you sacrifice your marriage and your THREE OTHER CHILDREN or do you let go and pray for the best??? My husband is a wonderfull father and husband!!! Is it really being a bad father to worry about the rest of his family??? That's why we posted this, too find other options that we may have over looked. Had I known that people who don't even know what the whole situation was would posting thier rude, un-informed opinions, I don't think we would have used this forum. Luckily we DID get some EDUCATED answers. And I thank those of you who supplied them.

              Comment


              • #8
                by the way there is no court ordered visitation. We would LOVE to pursue this legally, but, for one thing we don't know our rights. Also, we can't afford a lawyer or the time and money it will cost us to travel the 2 1/2 hours each way it takes to get to the courthouse where we have to do all of it. Or do we have to do it in her county? Can file the paperwork from our county??? I think that filing for visitation and fighting it every time we are denied it sounds like a good idea. It would make me feel more pro-active in the situation. Right now I feel lost and helpless!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by angrywifey View Post
                  Thank you! You really understand where I am coming from!

                  I've been there too sistah-friend ;-)



                  <snip>
                  She has made our lives a living hell, just as you said, because she can't stand to see him move on. "

                  I suspect thats the case here. I think the ex in my life really thought she had a permanent meal ticket here, and realized she'd lost it. Combined with the fact that Dad has stopped rolling over and playing dead where she's concerned, I think it was more than she could bear. (by this I mean I had to put my foot down with some of her actions, and strongly encouraged Dad to have his rights enforced - up until a year after we were together, he had no legal visitation order, something she abused as much as possible, and threatened him with constantly. After she hid the child out of state for 6 weeks, he finally filed for a legal visitation order, which put her through the roof. He wasn't asking for custody, he just wanted a visitation order so he had a legal right to see his son.) And BTW, despite the fact that she WAS being paid support regularly (I know, I write the checks) she still tried to get him for back support - never trust these women...


                  >>She had previously had 2 other abortions from 2 other men, and my husband wouldn't have argued over a third (I'm totally against it, but, I sometimes wish she had.). She insisted on keeping the child, I think, because (a) he was in the military and made good money and (b) thought she could keep him if she did.<<

                  You forgot "c" - it probably sounds bad if you have three abortions. Two is ok, I guess ;-) I don't get people who use this method of birth control. I mean, I feel its a woman's right to choose, but for God sakes - ever heard of a condom? Lots easier on the body....




                  < But, by the time she told him he was already dating me and that REALLY pissed her off. >>

                  In fairness, I suppose I can see where it would, you know, if I'm in her shoes. Not saying it's right, but I can see where you might get a little snippy if you're pregnant and the dad's already with someone else. Lesson: Be careful who you sleep with - this goes for both sexes.




                  And we found out shortly after we were married, wich was very shortly after we started dating, that we were pregnant as well. We didn't even tell her until I was like 5 months because we didn't want to here her crap!!! >>>

                  LOL. Not that its funny, but I know EXACTLY what you mean. We keep important news to ourselves to, so she can't ruin it for us. Another lesson learned.




                  She's crazy!!! The only reason he even dated her for 3 months was because she tried killing herself the first two times he broke up with her!!! >>>

                  You might want to brace yourself for eventual custody of the child then. She might succeed one day...



                  <<< She is tearing apart our marriage because we are both so angry at her that we take it out on each other. >>>


                  That happens here too. Its SO wildly frustrating. I have no contact (my choice) with the mother in my situation, after numerous harassing phone calls and seriously heinous behavior (I mean serious in a ruin-your-life-with-my-lies kind of way), so I never speak to her. I get so frustrated with all the things I WANT to say to her that I can't always contain it, so it ends with an argument between myself and my other half, because I expect him to read my mind, I suppose, and tell her what *I* want to tell her. Because we can't control her actions, the frustration spills over and affects every aspect of our lives.

                  <<SHe even calls his MOM and tries to lie to her about stuff.>>

                  That used to happen here too, but since his mom cant stand her either, it don't fly....


                  <<<I tried in the beginning to befriend her and be nice to her but she would go behind my back and tell my husband that I siad this oI said that, trying to cause a fight. >>>


                  Similar here, with a twist - she'd go behind HIS back and tell ME all sorts of things about him, which would end with my laughing hysterically at her... "Oh Puh-Leeze.... I'd expect YOU to say that"



                  We even invite her into our home to make her feel more comfortable about leaving her son with us and while she was here she made a pass at my husband while I was in the other room!>>

                  And you let her live? You're a bigger woman than I am ;-)


                  >>It's very difficult to deal with some one who is so immature and low as to use a child this way. He's an innocent child! >>

                  Thats what I never understand. Instead of being GLAD there are extra people to love your child, its turned into a war because of jealousy, insecurity or just plain meanness. In my situation, its not just mom, but her entire family who all live together in some flophouse. Its been a very interesting journey...

                  <snip>Do you sacrifice your marriage and your THREE OTHER CHILDREN or do you let go and pray for the best???

                  Thats what so many people seem to want. I guess if you marry a guy, you are expected to forfeit your own happiness and that of your own children in effort to support children from his previous relationship. Anything less than that makes you a selfish monster who only cares about the support money. I don't know why your kids don't count every bit as much and deserve to have less drama in their lives. I am certainly not suggesting that your husband doesn't owe his first child the same things as his subsequent children, but I don't think he should also have to give his other children less because of it.


                  >>My husband is a wonderfull father and husband!!! Is it really being a bad father to worry about the rest of his family??? That's why we posted this, too find other options that we may have over looked. Had I known that people who don't even know what the whole situation was would posting thier rude, un-informed opinions, I don't think we would have used this forum. Luckily we DID get some EDUCATED answers. And I thank those of you who supplied them.


                  I'm sure you're husband is a good father, and I'm sure you're doing the best you can in an untenable situation. Its hard for everyone to understand, I guess, but be assured, some of us do.

                  Best to you....

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by angrywifey View Post
                    by the way there is no court ordered visitation. We would LOVE to pursue this legally, but, for one thing we don't know our rights. Also, we can't afford a lawyer or the time and money it will cost us to travel the 2 1/2 hours each way it takes to get to the courthouse where we have to do all of it. Or do we have to do it in her county? Can file the paperwork from our county??? I think that filing for visitation and fighting it every time we are denied it sounds like a good idea. It would make me feel more pro-active in the situation. Right now I feel lost and helpless!
                    I can only speak for my own experience in my state, but you have to file in the county where the child lives, and there is a filing fee (usually pretty modest). You don't have to have a lawyer, though its probably better for you if you do. Its possible you can file the case by mail, without driving back and forth to do the filing, but I'm not 100% on it. We hired an attorney and he handled that end, but I am guessing its possible to do it by mail.

                    Your husband has an absolute right to visitation, assuming he's in contact with the child, and once he has an order, he has the right to have it enforced. He will be issued a support order too, so be prepared for that. I highly encourage the use of wage assignment, so its never your fault if the check is late. Some states require it, some don't, but I believe they all allow it on request. Your husband will have to fill out a financial statement in regard to the support, so they can determine how much they'll be taking every week.

                    Definitely document everything, keep all receipts for support paid, and be as prepared as you can be with not just the facts, but specifically what you want in terms of visitation, with an eye to the future (ie: school vacations, holidays, that sort of thing), where the visitation will take place, who will meet who, that kind of thing, whether you want joint legal custody (I'd recommend it) or not, etc. Easier to get it in now than to change it later. Really, if you can remotely afford it, an attorney can save you a lot of trouble down the road and keep you from a big mistake later, but isn't strictly necessary.

                    There are a lot of sites on the web dealing with these issues. Just run a few searches on father's rights, and you'll find plenty.

                    Best of luck!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Whew, and I knew it was hard just to take on a step-child. My sister has taken on her new husbands' (well 5 years) children, and they are a handful, since they are teenagers. Good luck to you! I hope you decide to drive that 2.5 hour drive, to show the mom, she is not going to win because of distance!!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        To Angry Wifey,

                        I've taken the time to read the thread and postings and plenty were harsh but I want to positively reinfoce what one of the replies that read. Do play hardball with the "x" and definately insist you stay in "the boy's life" but I also wanted to say is...the verbage your choosing obviously shows your anger and frustration towards the situation.

                        My opinion, after research and first hand experience the "x" is no longer an "x" in your mind she "my son's Mother" and "the boy" is no longer "the boy" does he have a name? If you were afraid to disclose his name maybe you could choose to say "my step son, my son." I didn't hear verbage that conveyed association in your own relationship with him and that worried me. Only because it seems your anger and frustration has clouded your judgment.

                        Please don't take this harsh it is not my intention. I went through the same heck with my husband and our three children that live in Oklahoma with their mother. Trust me, accusations, coordinated gossip to imply cheating, all was in attendance and the words flared up, at and with one another, threats and abusive words between her and I and my husband; anger only added fuel to the fire. But I have goodnews there is hope. But the hope and change has to start with you. I know you're saying "what!" But she's the one that needs help, she's the crayz laday I know, I know but trust me it works. If you are willing to be the pioneer, the influencer, the leader the teacher. If you are willing to raise the standard in your family in how you will approach situations it works.

                        For the last two year I didn't want to, I fought kicked argued, and most of all wanted to win so I can show her who was right but I was wrong. You mentioned prayer and you sound well rounded with the dynamics of your family, title and role so I would suggest prayer. I started with falling on my knees and crying out asking the Lord why is she like this? Why is this happening to us? When we go through situations that are not godly, the Lord does two things, removes us from it, or gives us the strength to overcome and peace in the meantime that surpasses understanding. The Lord honors our honesty, understands when were upset, but most of all the Lord is willing to change our situation more than we are.

                        Again, the downside, it starts with you. Before you go back to the civil phone conversations and to the inviting her in to your house (I applaud you for that) again be smart, but be wise as a serpent. I would not agree to inviting her in, but alway's be in attendance of the appointment with her for visitation purposes with both you and your husband together. Emphasis to her that you two are one, you operate only in the power of agreement. Most of all, here's the kicker.....Forgive her. For everything! I know I know. Trust me it's possible. I had to go to the alter, cry out, get mad, then finally like a child crawl up into the Lord's lap and tell him to help me to forgive. The reason this is so vital is so your prayers are not hindered by your unforgiveness. Oh also, stop talking about it, with hubby, friends, Mom anyone. Everytime you speak about it negatively your adding the fuel to the fire. Pray about it, keep the situation close to your heart, cover it. May be I've gone too far with this advise and may sound like german language to you but when I read your threads and replies my heart went out to you and your children, most of all your husband, I know he feels the burden, I know you do too when you guy's end up taking it out on eachother. My husband and I went through that too, but recognize who the enemy is sister and ask God for peace between you two, most of all when visitation, scheduling or anything to do with the Mother of your step son, ensure your both asking eachother "what do you think?" Do you agree? The power of agreement is amazing.

                        To update, the Mother of my three lovely children that live in Oklahoma and I are not only civil but peaceful. Were still working out the kinks and in a process of modification and visitation but when we are on the phone it's a few hours at a time! Not as a friend but as a mentor. The Lord had to give me peace before I had invision peace for us before I can obtain it. The Lord had to heal me from my anger before I could display his love for the children and their mother. Trust me, it's not an easy choice but you can be the influencer, you can be the leader in your situation it takes trust in the Lord and patience.

                        The bible say's be wise as a serpent but gentle as a dove. Always take notes but tell her about it. Explain this is not to sabotage her or the relationship but that you are being very proactive against miscommunication. It's amazing that some of the things we talked about her and I, and I can see Mom in Oklahoma has received the numeruous messages because soon she is in agreement with me telling me of the same plans we talked about for the best interest of the children. I hope this help, this isn't lawful advice. This is medicine for your soul, the tormoil people don't usually address when going through these terrible experiences but God can turn it around for his glory he did it for me.

                        Because he lives, Mymy

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I hope this helps

                          Several years back my mom was in the same situation you've unfortunitly been put in as far as the crazy ex goes. In some ways her's was made easier because her husband-at-the-time's ex lived fairly close and the kid stuck in the middle was a teenager (except that part, since his biological mother would try to convince him of things like that I would take his place with his dad since mine was dead and similar things that someone who had been a good mom until his dad got remarried would have a fairly easy time convincing they're child of with the idea already in the back of the kid's head) who's friends had seen how his mom acted were willing to give a statement of some sort against her keeping custody (she tried to seduce most of them, was on alot of drugs, and most of them liked my mom/his new step mom more because she wasn't as strict about how often they could do things, rides, ect). I know you said you knew that her trying to kill herself when your husband previously broke up with her was true because you lived in the same dorm or something like that so if it does come to you having to go to court it sounds like you might be able to something similar along the lines of charactor witnesses.

                          I can't exactly give you legal advice (for one because I'm only 16), but I can tell you a few things like what my mom and his dad did after talking to a lawyer and before court (I'm not sure what part of OK your hubby's ex lives in, but when this happened I lived in/still do live in OKC), and what it's like for the other kids involved.

                          First off, the stuff they did for court.

                          1] As other people have said, make sure you record any phone calls/messages you can. If they can't do anything else, they prove she's harassing you which can help make sure you have the ability to show how she's truely been acting since there's no way she'll admit to it unless she's a complete idiot. This also ties into the next two things.

                          2] Prove you and your husband's stability in as many ways as you can. Financially, mentally, all of it. I don't know if you two still travel for long periods of time for whatever reason, but if you do that can make this more important since kids can deal with change so long as they have good and stable parents. Considering it's probably work and you both are/were military and Tinker AFB being in OK and the huge pop boost and other things it effects here I don't see that as being a problem, if anything it would probably be the opposite.

                          3] While it may sound like/be looked at as a low thing to do, also prove any instability from the ex. She sounds like the queen of it to me, and those phone calls would deffinitly show it, along with anyone else who knows about the suicide attempts or other physcological breakdowns. Besides, if she's nearly as unstable as she sounds, there's no reason for you two not to go all out in trying to get some form of custody so that you guys can be this child's rock.

                          4] This is probably not worth mentioning, but make sure you have as much on paper as you can. Bills from trips made to OK, all of that stuff. Paper/other proof is always better than your word against someone else's.

                          Other than that, you would have to ask some one else.

                          While I'm not sure how young you and your husband's kid's are, when my mom and that husband were dealing with his ex, I was five. The tension was really obvious but they always made sure I knew it wasn't about me or my fault, which made it okay. They also never let it interfear with any of the "big" or events in my life and did they're best to make it seem like everything was normal. You don't sound like the kind of mom who would, but I thought I should at least say it. Other than that, they just made sure to sugar coat words like lawyer or court to things like "the nice man who's gonna help make sure the loud woman doesn't scare you again". By doing those things, I almost always felt more like they were trying to protect me and my step brother and that they were gonna make the whole thing okay as fast as they could.


                          Just make sure you don't loose help. Things will get better even though it won't happen immediatly and even when all your able to do at the time is get online or something that doesn't seem proactive, your getting information and the more informed you are, the better. Whenever you need a break, take it. The last thing people in hard situations need is to feel like it's the only thing they spend their time on by choice (or anything of the sort) and feel like because nothing's changed that has just been a waste.

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                          • #14
                            This thread is a year old. The OP is not likely to return to read your super long post.

                            Please don't respond to old threads.
                            Please no private messages about your situation.

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