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Who is the victim here? New York

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  • Who is the victim here? New York

    We were driving somewhere on Friday evening. For one reason or another we start to argue. Not the first time and I know not the last time either. I am trying to ignore him not to make things worse because he starts speeding and makes aggressive moves. I am pregnant I need to think about my baby. I tell him to take me back home.
    As he grabs my hands I panic. He is a big, tall and a strong man. I am afraid. I feel like a trapped kitten and I hit him in an arm. He gets so upset like I have never seen him before. Name-calling and threats are coming out of his mouth. One of the more creative would be hit me again and you will be a pregnant woman in a wheelchair. I start to cry. We get out of the car. He grabs my hand and pulls me or pushes me wherever he things we should go to discus whatever differences we have. I am afraid. I donít want to go anywhere. I repeat few times that I want to be left alone. He doesnít listen. I cry. Finally a change of harts. Now he talks about his love for me. He gets equally creative and crafty when he expresses his love for me and when he is threatening me.
    Today we went for a sonogram to see our baby for the first time. The same story fallows. We need to wait for the doctor about an hour. He gets aggravated. We go for a walk. He gets upset because a walk is to long. We get to the ice cream cafť and I want to sit down look at the menu. He doesnít. He wants Starbucks coffee. So I leave the cafť. Iíll just have something in Starbucks. At this point he is fuming. Few minutesí later hands grabbing, loud comments on a busy street, blacking my way, pushing and pulling starts. I hit him in his arm so he can let me go. He hits me back with no consideration for my and his size. I start crying. Now he leaves me alone. I go back to the docís office. He is already there. We go for a sonogram and he is by my side as a perfect husband holding my hand.
    I would say what is happening to me is typical. It all started when I met a man of my dreams and soon after I was in love. There is so many things that he did and still does to make me feel special so that many times I just canít believe I could be so lucky. But luck can only get you so farÖ We have been married for 7 months now I no longer believe I should be with this man. We argued before we got married. It was absolutely petrifying experience but never did he get violent. If he did all these things he does now before we got married I wouldnít marry him. I suspected that his anger could potentially turn into violence but I didnít know it could happen so soon and that even our pregnancy wouldnít calm him down. I donít know what to do. I believe his anger will reach a point where I wonít even have to say anything or touch him and he will start hitting me. For now I am so confused. I have nightmares that he wants to kill me. He looks for me with a butcher knife.
    It is after 4 am in the morning now. I couldnít sleep. Maybe this confession will help me. Maybe your advice will give me a new perspective and take me away from that dead end street that I am on right now.
    No one in a family knows about what is going on. I keep it quiet. I donít want to advertise it. If anything we should just quietly part but I know he will not let me go that easily. How do I decide enough is enough? Or maybe he is the victim here?
    I am sorry for my English. I am still learning.

  • #2
    leave him

    Ok first of all you should get your act straight. You are about to have a child he or her is the most important thing at this point. My opinion is that you should leave your husband. Actually you should have left him the first time he laid a hand on you. It is going to be hard for you to live him but right know at this point would you rather be dead or spend cuallaty time with your child when he or she is born. Plus if he trated you bad when y'all were dating why diddint you thought about it twice. well i have to go but there is one thing you should remember is that you have a child to raize and you would not like him to be raized around violence.


    • #3
      Who is the victim here?

      First of all, sweetheart, where are you from? What are your traditional views on men hitting or otherwise abusing women?

      Girls, we forget sometimes that in many, many countries, women are still just chattel. Let's not judge this lady.

      Secondly, you must tell your doctor about this. Your husband is not only abusing you, he is abusing your baby. What if he pushes you down, or strikes you, and kills your baby?

      Please, please talk to your doctor. If you are not comfortable talking to your family, for whatever reasons, please call the women's center where you are, and talk to them. They can help you -- they can protect you from this very angry and abusive man.

      Please take care of yourself and your baby.

      If you are in the Houston area, send me a private message. I am an attorney, and we'll go get you a protective order, if you want one. Or, I'll meet you and take you to the women's center. They are great.

      Sharon Middleton


      • #4
        Who is the victim here?

        Please leave this person. The violence is only going to get worst. Abusers, want to be the center of attention, which means; once the baby is born, the baby is only a possession to the abuser. Your baby will endure these violent surroundings, and will cry all the time because of the tension you are living. Crying babies and abusers are a bad combination, because abusers don't like the attention the baby will be getting. I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself, but I can't stress enough about this.
        Please get help, and tell your Doctor, or one of the nurses and they will give you information for help. You say you are in New York State? What part? All of the Doctors, normally have a Domestic Violence screening in New York State, it's part of the law.
        Abusers will use that child to keep you, and or accuse you that you're a bad person, so he can take the child from you. What is dear to women? Their children.. This is how abusers work. Your husband also feels that he owns you, because you are married. Nobody owns anyone. You are worthy and very important to yourself and your unborn child. Please reach out for help. I'm also in New York State, and I've been through very similar things. All abusers have the same tactics. Be safe and well. Pray for strength and guidance.
        Last edited by mmonroe; 10-07-2005, 12:53 PM.


        • #5
          Go to and call the number and ask for resources to help you leave your husabnd as you and the baby are in danger. If you can go live with a relative or trusted friend, that is ideal. But even if you do, you may need resources and referrals to counseling, legal assistance, relocation help. Also, the issue of the child and its father and if he is a person who is suitable to have contact with the child after it is born.

          It sounds like you need to get out of there for your health and that of the unborn child. Good luck. Call and get some information to make an intelligent decision.