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  • To Divorce or Not

    I'm 28 years old and been married to my wife for 4 years. When we first
    met, we were both young and inexperienced - I was 22 and she was 19. I was
    young and naive, and really didn't know myself or what kind of woman would
    make me happy. She just came along in my life and we got along great and
    fell in love, so the next logical thing in my mind was to marry because we
    both wanted a long term relationship. Keep in mind I have a religious
    family so living together was a no no (which now I realize would of been
    great to "test" each other). We only dated for about a year. I dated other
    women before I met my wife, but nothing long term, so I was pretty
    inexperienced in general with relationships. My wife also was
    inexperienced, even more so than I.

    Now 4 years later, I've learned a great deal about who am I as a person.
    I've gained confidence, knowledge, and a good career. Unfortunately, we
    haven't been able to grow as a couple and share common interests. I kept
    thinking to myself that if I gave us enough time, we would gain common
    interests and keep re-igniting the flame. Now if things keep going the way
    they have been, I can't see myself being with her for the rest of my life.
    To top things off, we are trying to have kids. Should I end it in divorce
    now and save our kids from having to go through it, or keep holding on
    trying to start a family and hoping that somehow I will be able to love her?



  • #2
    To Divorce or Not


    "Jason" <[email protected]> wrote in message
    news:[email protected]
    I'm 28 years old and been married to my wife for 4 years. When we first met, we were both young and inexperienced - I was 22 and she was 19. I was young and naive, and really didn't know myself or what kind of woman would make me happy. She just came along in my life and we got along great and fell in love, so the next logical thing in my mind was to marry because we both wanted a long term relationship. Keep in mind I have a religious family so living together was a no no (which now I realize would of been great to "test" each other). We only dated for about a year. I dated other women before I met my wife, but nothing long term, so I was pretty inexperienced in general with relationships. My wife also was inexperienced, even more so than I. Now 4 years later, I've learned a great deal about who am I as a person. I've gained confidence, knowledge, and a good career. Unfortunately, we haven't been able to grow as a couple and share common interests. I kept thinking to myself that if I gave us enough time, we would gain common interests and keep re-igniting the flame. Now if things keep going the way they have been, I can't see myself being with her for the rest of my life. To top things off, we are trying to have kids. Should I end it in divorce now and save our kids from having to go through it, or keep holding on trying to start a family and hoping that somehow I will be able to love her?
    First off: Stop trying to get pregnant. Use birth control until you have a
    stable marriage. Why would you intentionally have kids when you know your
    marriage is unstable? It isn't now or never. Work out your marital
    problems first, one way or the other - THEN have kids. (Some people think
    that having children will somehow "fix" their marriage. Quite the contrary,
    having children can add addtional strain to a struggling marriage).

    Second - have you talked to your wife about this? Is she happy in the
    marriage? Does she feel you have common interests?

    Third - have you considered marriage counseling? Sometimes an objective
    person can help sort things out.



    Comment


    • #3
      To Divorce or Not


      "Jason" <[email protected]> wrote in message
      news:[email protected]
      I'm 28 years old and been married to my wife for 4 years. When we first met, we were both young and inexperienced - I was 22 and she was 19. I was young and naive, and really didn't know myself or what kind of woman would make me happy. She just came along in my life and we got along great and fell in love, so the next logical thing in my mind was to marry because we both wanted a long term relationship. Keep in mind I have a religious family so living together was a no no (which now I realize would of been great to "test" each other). We only dated for about a year. I dated other women before I met my wife, but nothing long term, so I was pretty inexperienced in general with relationships. My wife also was inexperienced, even more so than I. Now 4 years later, I've learned a great deal about who am I as a person. I've gained confidence, knowledge, and a good career. Unfortunately, we haven't been able to grow as a couple and share common interests. I kept thinking to myself that if I gave us enough time, we would gain common interests and keep re-igniting the flame. Now if things keep going the way they have been, I can't see myself being with her for the rest of my life. To top things off, we are trying to have kids. Should I end it in divorce now and save our kids from having to go through it, or keep holding on trying to start a family and hoping that somehow I will be able to love her?
      First off: Stop trying to get pregnant. Use birth control until you have a
      stable marriage. Why would you intentionally have kids when you know your
      marriage is unstable? It isn't now or never. Work out your marital
      problems first, one way or the other - THEN have kids. (Some people think
      that having children will somehow "fix" their marriage. Quite the contrary,
      having children can add addtional strain to a struggling marriage).

      Second - have you talked to your wife about this? Is she happy in the
      marriage? Does she feel you have common interests?

      Third - have you considered marriage counseling? Sometimes an objective
      person can help sort things out.



      Comment


      • #4
        To Divorce or Not

        "Jason" <[email protected]> wrote in message
        news:[email protected]
        Now if things keep going the way they have been, I can't see myself being with her for the rest of my life. To top things off, we are trying to have kids.
        Holy ****, are people really this stupid?????


        Comment


        • #5
          To Divorce or Not

          "Jason" <[email protected]> wrote in message
          news:[email protected]
          Now if things keep going the way they have been, I can't see myself being with her for the rest of my life. To top things off, we are trying to have kids.
          Holy ****, are people really this stupid?????


          Comment


          • #6
            To Divorce or Not


            "Doug Anderson" <[email protected]> wrote in message
            news:[email protected]
            "Jason" <[email protected]> writes: (snip)
            Now if things keep going the way they have been, I can't see myself being with her for the rest of my life. To top things off, we are trying to have kids.
            (snip) You realize this is crazy talk, right? You are _trying_ to have kids with someone you don't see yourself staying with?
            I wonder if that could translate into "my wife thinks I'm happy in the
            marriage, and I don't want to tell her I'm not, so I can't confess that I
            don't see myself staying with her, so I don't want to tell her I don't want
            to have kids with her, because then I'd have to tell her why, and I don't
            want to tell her why until I decide what I want to do".



            Comment


            • #7
              To Divorce or Not


              "Doug Anderson" <[email protected]> wrote in message
              news:[email protected]
              "Jason" <[email protected]> writes: (snip)
              Now if things keep going the way they have been, I can't see myself being with her for the rest of my life. To top things off, we are trying to have kids.
              (snip) You realize this is crazy talk, right? You are _trying_ to have kids with someone you don't see yourself staying with?
              I wonder if that could translate into "my wife thinks I'm happy in the
              marriage, and I don't want to tell her I'm not, so I can't confess that I
              don't see myself staying with her, so I don't want to tell her I don't want
              to have kids with her, because then I'd have to tell her why, and I don't
              want to tell her why until I decide what I want to do".



              Comment


              • #8
                To Divorce or Not

                JWB wrote:
                "Jason" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]
                Now if things keep going the way they have been, I can't see myself
                being
                with her for the rest of my life. To top things off, we are trying to
                have
                kids. Holy ****, are people really this stupid?????
                They are today. Yes. And quite often, totally irresponsible.


                Comment


                • #9
                  To Divorce or Not

                  JWB wrote:
                  "Jason" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]
                  Now if things keep going the way they have been, I can't see myself
                  being
                  with her for the rest of my life. To top things off, we are trying to
                  have
                  kids. Holy ****, are people really this stupid?????
                  They are today. Yes. And quite often, totally irresponsible.


                  Comment


                  • #10
                    To Divorce or Not

                    Joy wrote:
                    "Jason" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]
                    I'm 28 years old and been married to my wife for 4 years. When we first met, we were both young and inexperienced - I was 22 and she was 19. I was young and naive, and really didn't know myself or what kind of woman would make me happy. She just came along in my life and we got along great and fell in love, so the next logical thing in my mind was to marry because we both wanted a long term relationship. Keep in mind I have a religious family so living together was a no no (which now I realize would of been great to "test" each other). We only dated for about a year. I dated other women before I met my wife, but nothing long term, so I was pretty inexperienced in general with relationships. My wife also was inexperienced, even more so than I. Now 4 years later, I've learned a great deal about who am I as a person. I've gained confidence, knowledge, and a good career. Unfortunately, we haven't been able to grow as a couple and share common interests. I kept thinking to myself that if I gave us enough time, we would gain common interests and keep re-igniting the flame. Now if things keep going the way they have been, I can't see myself being with her for the rest of my life. To top things off, we are trying to have kids. Should I end it in divorce now and save our kids from having to go through it, or keep holding on trying to start a family and hoping that somehow I will be able to love her?
                    First off: Stop trying to get pregnant. Use birth control until you have a stable marriage. Why would you intentionally have kids when you know your marriage is unstable? It isn't now or never. Work out your marital problems first, one way or the other - THEN have kids. (Some people think that having children will somehow "fix" their marriage. Quite the contrary, having children can add addtional strain to a struggling marriage). Second - have you talked to your wife about this? Is she happy in the marriage? Does she feel you have common interests? Third - have you considered marriage counseling? Sometimes an objective person can help sort things out.
                    I agree with Joy. Statistics and experience show that having children
                    doesn't cement a shaky marriage. It is just one extra stress that will
                    make the marriage fall apart. And that isn't fair to the kids.

                    My wife was my first "real" girlfriend, and I was her second "real"
                    boyfriend. We are still together 30 years later. It is fair to say
                    however that getting married when you are still maturing isn't a good idea.
                    You both continue maturing, and may "grow apart." We were both in our late
                    20's. I agree that you should discuss it with her, rather than let the
                    bombshell drop without warning. Having been to counseling myself, I have
                    seen how it will help both of you clarify your ideas. If you want to go
                    alone, to begin with, that is probably O.K., but let it be a joint
                    decision.

                    Doug.
                    --
                    *** Number 178748389. Registered Linux User No. 277548.
                    Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it.
                    - Henry David Thoreau.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      To Divorce or Not

                      Joy wrote:
                      "Jason" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]
                      I'm 28 years old and been married to my wife for 4 years. When we first met, we were both young and inexperienced - I was 22 and she was 19. I was young and naive, and really didn't know myself or what kind of woman would make me happy. She just came along in my life and we got along great and fell in love, so the next logical thing in my mind was to marry because we both wanted a long term relationship. Keep in mind I have a religious family so living together was a no no (which now I realize would of been great to "test" each other). We only dated for about a year. I dated other women before I met my wife, but nothing long term, so I was pretty inexperienced in general with relationships. My wife also was inexperienced, even more so than I. Now 4 years later, I've learned a great deal about who am I as a person. I've gained confidence, knowledge, and a good career. Unfortunately, we haven't been able to grow as a couple and share common interests. I kept thinking to myself that if I gave us enough time, we would gain common interests and keep re-igniting the flame. Now if things keep going the way they have been, I can't see myself being with her for the rest of my life. To top things off, we are trying to have kids. Should I end it in divorce now and save our kids from having to go through it, or keep holding on trying to start a family and hoping that somehow I will be able to love her?
                      First off: Stop trying to get pregnant. Use birth control until you have a stable marriage. Why would you intentionally have kids when you know your marriage is unstable? It isn't now or never. Work out your marital problems first, one way or the other - THEN have kids. (Some people think that having children will somehow "fix" their marriage. Quite the contrary, having children can add addtional strain to a struggling marriage). Second - have you talked to your wife about this? Is she happy in the marriage? Does she feel you have common interests? Third - have you considered marriage counseling? Sometimes an objective person can help sort things out.
                      I agree with Joy. Statistics and experience show that having children
                      doesn't cement a shaky marriage. It is just one extra stress that will
                      make the marriage fall apart. And that isn't fair to the kids.

                      My wife was my first "real" girlfriend, and I was her second "real"
                      boyfriend. We are still together 30 years later. It is fair to say
                      however that getting married when you are still maturing isn't a good idea.
                      You both continue maturing, and may "grow apart." We were both in our late
                      20's. I agree that you should discuss it with her, rather than let the
                      bombshell drop without warning. Having been to counseling myself, I have
                      seen how it will help both of you clarify your ideas. If you want to go
                      alone, to begin with, that is probably O.K., but let it be a joint
                      decision.

                      Doug.
                      --
                      *** Number 178748389. Registered Linux User No. 277548.
                      Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it.
                      - Henry David Thoreau.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        To Divorce or Not


                        "Joy" <[email protected]> wrote in message
                        news:[email protected]<SNIP>
                        First off: Stop trying to get pregnant. Use birth control until you have a stable marriage. Why would you intentionally have kids when you know your marriage is unstable? It isn't now or never. Work out your marital problems first, one way or the other - THEN have kids. (Some people think that having children will somehow "fix" their marriage. Quite the contrary, having children can add addtional strain to a struggling marriage).
                        Why is it that soooo many people falsely think that bringing kids into this
                        world will save their marriage and/or create that missing link to eternal
                        bliss?

                        The _last_ thing a couple should consider in this situation would be to
                        bring kids into the marriage! The problems couples face after having kids
                        (infants and up) can make a good marriage fail!

                        I guess I'm just repeating you....

                        I hope the OP listens to your advice.

                        A Man


                        Comment


                        • #13
                          To Divorce or Not


                          "Joy" <[email protected]> wrote in message
                          news:[email protected]<SNIP>
                          First off: Stop trying to get pregnant. Use birth control until you have a stable marriage. Why would you intentionally have kids when you know your marriage is unstable? It isn't now or never. Work out your marital problems first, one way or the other - THEN have kids. (Some people think that having children will somehow "fix" their marriage. Quite the contrary, having children can add addtional strain to a struggling marriage).
                          Why is it that soooo many people falsely think that bringing kids into this
                          world will save their marriage and/or create that missing link to eternal
                          bliss?

                          The _last_ thing a couple should consider in this situation would be to
                          bring kids into the marriage! The problems couples face after having kids
                          (infants and up) can make a good marriage fail!

                          I guess I'm just repeating you....

                          I hope the OP listens to your advice.

                          A Man


                          Comment


                          • #14
                            To Divorce or Not

                            you realize that having kids will have you making the hugest possible
                            payments to your future ex-wife for the next 20 years, right?


                            --
                            Be cool,
                            Longshot


                            Comment


                            • #15
                              To Divorce or Not

                              you realize that having kids will have you making the hugest possible
                              payments to your future ex-wife for the next 20 years, right?


                              --
                              Be cool,
                              Longshot


                              Comment

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