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  • Wife that is hateful

    I have been married for 10 years and my wife has always been hateful
    to my parents. She is also hateful to me sometimes. I have tried
    talking to her but do not know what to do. She is just fine to her
    family, talks to her mom on the ohone every night several times a
    night.

    I feel she has no emotional attachment to me. Never get hugs or
    anything like that. For awhile I would initiate it but I gave up.

    My parent are always complaining to me she is hateful to them. She
    always takes my daughter to places with her mom but when I want to
    take my daughter to my mom and dads she just says "If they want to see
    her they can come over here."

    She gets upset when I confront her about my parents and she just says
    I am always worried about how they think and not how she thinks.
    (Which is not true).

    I forgot to tell her that someone called about some of our pictures
    being ready and she yelled at me. We did not speak all night. My dad
    called wanting to talk to my daughter (who had called for him
    previously) and my wife told him she was busy watching TV.)

    I am a quite guy and usually when I get mad I just dont speak.

    I feel as if I am giving in too much all the time but I dont think it
    phases her how i feel. If I told her I was leaving she would just say
    ok.

    I feel as if I disappeared off the face of the earth it would suit her
    fine.

  • #2
    Wife that is hateful

    On 10 Dec 2003 05:41:05 -0800, Don
    <[email protected]> wrote:
    I have been married for 10 years and my wife has always been hateful to my parents. She is also hateful to me sometimes. I have tried talking to her but do not know what to do. She is just fine to her family, talks to her mom on the ohone every night several times a night.
    Is there another side of this? How do your folks (especially your mom)
    treat your wife?
    I feel she has no emotional attachment to me. Never get hugs or anything like that. For awhile I would initiate it but I gave up.
    This is a different problem altogether.
    My parent are always complaining to me she is hateful to them. She always takes my daughter to places with her mom but when I want to take my daughter to my mom and dads she just says "If they want to see her they can come over here." She gets upset when I confront her about my parents and she just says I am always worried about how they think and not how she thinks. (Which is not true). I forgot to tell her that someone called about some of our pictures being ready and she yelled at me. We did not speak all night. My dad called wanting to talk to my daughter (who had called for him previously) and my wife told him she was busy watching TV.) I am a quite guy and usually when I get mad I just dont speak. I feel as if I am giving in too much all the time but I dont think it phases her how i feel. If I told her I was leaving she would just say ok. I feel as if I disappeared off the face of the earth it would suit her fine.
    The day before my wife and I got married, I was sitting in the kitchen of
    my apartment with my mom. (The apartment was actually hers, my wife and I
    were going to rent from my mom with my mom being the landlord).

    I told her that I was getting married tomorrow. If she got in a fight
    with my wife, she (my mom) was going to lose. If she didn't treat us like
    regular tenents (give us our privacy), we would move regardless of how
    much extra it would cost is.

    I have had to reinforce this particular speech a few times over the almost
    19 years my wife and I have been married. My mom asked "Will you support
    your wife even if she's wrong". I said: "Unless she is doing something
    that I consider evil, I will support her". If she is being a pain in the
    butt, and you are being a pain in the butt, my wife wins. You can choose
    whether to visit our home, and you are always welcome, but how often your
    grandchildren visit will be directly proportional to how confortable you
    make my wife feel in your home. I will not force my wife to go somewhere
    where she is made to feel uncomfortable.

    I say your parents are going to have to suck it up and be respectful to
    your wife if thye expect to see their grandchildren.

    Also, if you have been backing your parents at the expense of your wife,
    If I were her I wouldn't want to sleep with a momma's boy like you.

    -Tony

    --
    "If the grass appears to be greener on the other side of the fence, it's time
    to fertilize your lawn!"
    Want to jump start your marriage? Consider a Marriage Encounter weekend.
    Check out http://www.wwme.org for more information.

    Comment


    • #3
      Wife that is hateful

      In article <[email protected]> ,
      [email protected] spoke thusly...
      I have been married for 10 years and my wife has always been hateful to my parents. She is also hateful to me sometimes. I have tried talking to her but do not know what to do. She is just fine to her family, talks to her mom on the ohone every night several times a night. I feel she has no emotional attachment to me. Never get hugs or anything like that. For awhile I would initiate it but I gave up. My parent are always complaining to me she is hateful to them. She always takes my daughter to places with her mom but when I want to take my daughter to my mom and dads she just says "If they want to see her they can come over here." She gets upset when I confront her about my parents and she just says I am always worried about how they think and not how she thinks. (Which is not true).
      Sounds like she has depression. She should see a good psychiatrist
      who may recommend meds. It's a slow process, finding the right
      combination of meds, that will take years. If she is willing to
      change, stay by her. If not, give her an ultimatum to get on some
      meds, and if she doesn't divorce her and find someone who appreciates
      you.

      You can't go through life trying to fix something that doesn't want
      to be fixed.
      --
      Say no to fixed width tables. They look terrible.

      Comment


      • #4
        Wife that is hateful

        Depression??? Why?

        i

        In article <[email protected]>, A man wrote:
        In article <[email protected]> , [email protected] spoke thusly...
        I have been married for 10 years and my wife has always been hateful to my parents. She is also hateful to me sometimes. I have tried talking to her but do not know what to do. She is just fine to her family, talks to her mom on the ohone every night several times a night. I feel she has no emotional attachment to me. Never get hugs or anything like that. For awhile I would initiate it but I gave up. My parent are always complaining to me she is hateful to them. She always takes my daughter to places with her mom but when I want to take my daughter to my mom and dads she just says "If they want to see her they can come over here." She gets upset when I confront her about my parents and she just says I am always worried about how they think and not how she thinks. (Which is not true).
        Sounds like she has depression. She should see a good psychiatrist who may recommend meds. It's a slow process, finding the right combination of meds, that will take years. If she is willing to change, stay by her. If not, give her an ultimatum to get on some meds, and if she doesn't divorce her and find someone who appreciates you. You can't go through life trying to fix something that doesn't want to be fixed.

        Comment


        • #5
          Wife that is hateful

          Sounds like the run-of-the-mill *****.


          Comment


          • #6
            Wife that is hateful

            My mom is totally respectful to my wife as is my dad. She often says
            she would like to consider my wife the daughter she never had.

            I am extremely nice to her family and get along with everyone. I dont
            think sticking up for your parents is being a momma's boy when they
            honestly are not at fault.

            I have stuck up for her before when my parents are wrong about
            something.

            Comment


            • #7
              Wife that is hateful

              Your acting like a doormat so expect to be treated like it. This woman likes
              to fight, sounds like your mismatched. She's goading you into it.


              Comment


              • #8
                Wife that is hateful

                The thing is, she does not act this way around anyone else. She talks
                all the time with her mom. She never talks to me.

                I really need some advice. I want to stand up and do something but I
                do not know how and dont want to be careful of my 3 year old.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Wife that is hateful

                  "NJ" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:<[email protected] .com>...
                  Your acting like a doormat so expect to be treated like it. This woman likes to fight, sounds like your mismatched. She's goading you into it.
                  They may not be mismatched. On the contrary, it sounds like they are
                  perfectly matched:

                  - He needs to learn how to stand up for himself more (and he probably
                  is aware that he needs to learn this lesson, otherwise how did he find
                  himself so conveniently married to the perfect teacher?)

                  - She needs to learn how to be more respectful towards those she loves
                  (and she is probably also aware that this is her lesson to learn,
                  otherwise how did she find herself so conveniently married to the
                  perfect teacher?)

                  They *both* need to learn how to get what they want. She needs to
                  learn how to do that without stepping on his toes. He needs to learn
                  how to do that by confronting her in a respectful manner when
                  necessary.

                  To the OP, my advice is:

                  1) Learn to be brave and stop avoiding conflict - it's not getting you
                  anywhere, fuming alone in silence. Conflict is not always evil. On the
                  contrary, if handled well, it can be very beneficial and productive.

                  2) When she says something hateful, center yourself, take a DEEP
                  breath, and gently repeat back to her the exact words you heard. Don't
                  say it as a challenge, say it as if you were politely asking her to
                  clarify what you thought you just heard: "Honey, I believe I heard you
                  just say that I am an a**hole because I forgot to pick up the
                  pictures; please confirm?"

                  3) If she responds back in more hateful terms, just continue to repeat
                  back what you heard in this same polite, neutral manner. Hopefully she
                  will calm down and restate in more respectful terms.

                  4) If OTOH she just escalates and gets more emotional and hateful,
                  and you find yourself getting too upset, put your hand up and say, "I
                  propose we take a time out so we can both cool down. I'm going to take
                  a walk. Let's table this until later."

                  5) When she's calmer, try explaining to her that there seems to be two
                  issues going on here: first, the issue that's made her upset
                  (forgetting the pictures). Second, the manner that she's communicated
                  how upset she is (calling you an a**hole). Tell her you would like to
                  address each one separately.

                  6) If her reason for being upset with you has some merit (you did
                  forget the pictures), then admit it and validate her feelings. "I
                  guess there really is no excuse for forgetting the pictures honey, and
                  I guess I didn't realize it was so important to you. I am sorry and
                  next time I will try to do better."

                  7) Don't let her get away without addressing the second issue: "Now
                  that we've settled that, can we please talk about how we can improve
                  our communications in the future? I understand you have every right to
                  your feelings and being angry with me when I screw up. My issue is how
                  you express that anger. I have to say that I do not like being called
                  an a*hole. It hurts my feelings a lot."

                  Hope that helps.

                  jen

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Wife that is hateful

                    In article <[email protected]> , Don wrote:
                    The thing is, she does not act this way around anyone else. She talks all the time with her mom. She never talks to me. I really need some advice. I want to stand up and do something but I do not know how and dont want to be careful of my 3 year old.
                    Ah, you do not want to be careful of your 3 year old! How terrible!
                    (I do realize that it was probably a typo, so I am kidding)

                    You do not have much choice Don. Either to live with dignity with your
                    daughter, or to live separately. Your wife may well decide that living
                    together with you is a better deal even if she has to make behavior
                    adjustments.

                    That she is nice to you in presence of others is a good thing. That
                    means that given proper incentives, she can be nice to you in their
                    absence. (to look good to others).

                    Do not be afraid to stand up for yourself.

                    She may be more likely to leave you if you do not behave in a manly
                    manner (e.g. refuse to be a doormat). no kidding.

                    I tend to agree with someone else who said that you married a run of
                    the mill *****.

                    i

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Wife that is hateful

                      In article <[email protected] >, shinypenny wrote:
                      "NJ" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:<[email protected] .com>...
                      Your acting like a doormat so expect to be treated like it. This woman likes to fight, sounds like your mismatched. She's goading you into it.
                      They may not be mismatched. On the contrary, it sounds like they are perfectly matched: - He needs to learn how to stand up for himself more (and he probably is aware that he needs to learn this lesson, otherwise how did he find himself so conveniently married to the perfect teacher?) - She needs to learn how to be more respectful towards those she loves (and she is probably also aware that this is her lesson to learn, otherwise how did she find herself so conveniently married to the perfect teacher?) They *both* need to learn how to get what they want. She needs to learn how to do that without stepping on his toes. He needs to learn how to do that by confronting her in a respectful manner when necessary. To the OP, my advice is: 1) Learn to be brave and stop avoiding conflict - it's not getting you anywhere, fuming alone in silence. Conflict is not always evil. On the contrary, if handled well, it can be very beneficial and productive.
                      Just like I said. Bingo.
                      2) When she says something hateful, center yourself, take a DEEP breath, and gently repeat back to her the exact words you heard. Don't say it as a challenge, say it as if you were politely asking her to clarify what you thought you just heard: "Honey, I believe I heard you just say that I am an a**hole because I forgot to pick up the pictures; please confirm?" 3) If she responds back in more hateful terms, just continue to repeat back what you heard in this same polite, neutral manner. Hopefully she will calm down and restate in more respectful terms.
                      that's an interesting concept actually. Where did you get it? Wherever
                      you go it it seems like something worth trying. If you invented it,
                      congratulations.
                      4) If OTOH she just escalates and gets more emotional and hateful, and you find yourself getting too upset, put your hand up and say, "I propose we take a time out so we can both cool down. I'm going to take a walk. Let's table this until later."
                      My guess is that she carefully times these outbursts to moments when
                      he cannot walk out. Like when he is getting ready to bathe his
                      daughter.

                      i

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Wife that is hateful

                        In article <[email protected]> , Don wrote:
                        The thing is, she does not act this way around anyone else. She talks all the time with her mom. She never talks to me. I really need some advice. I want to stand up and do something but I do not know how and dont want to be careful of my 3 year old.
                        My another suggestion to you that is of extreme importance.

                        I am sorry I forgot to say it.

                        Under all circumstances, try to foster and maintain a close, loving,
                        trusting, and respectful relationship with your daughter.

                        Do not be put in the position of "disciplining dad", "unavailable
                        dad", "grumpy dad" etc. (and do not show her that you are a doormat
                        dad)

                        Read a book called "Parent Effectiveness Training" by Gordon and
                        follow it to the reasonable extent possible. (yes, it works). It more
                        or less guarantees such a good relationship.

                        Spend time with your daughter, which your wife will likely appreciate
                        as it gives her free time. Let's say at least 2 hours per day. If you
                        two hang on for a while and then split when your daughter is 10, you
                        will thank me for my advice.

                        Winning your daughter's love, admiration and interest may be more
                        realistic and more productive than winning same from your wife, at a
                        prohibitive emotional cost.

                        Trying to improve how she treats you is a good thing, and I wrote
                        about it a little in my other posts. But my suggestion in this post is
                        also quite important.

                        i

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Wife that is hateful

                          Ignoramus19207 wrote:
                          In article <[email protected]> , Don wrote:
                          The thing is, she does not act this way around anyone else. She talks all the time with her mom. She never talks to me. I really need some advice. I want to stand up and do something but I do not know how and dont want to be careful of my 3 year old.
                          My another suggestion to you that is of extreme importance. I am sorry I forgot to say it. Under all circumstances, try to foster and maintain a close, loving, trusting, and respectful relationship with your daughter. Do not be put in the position of "disciplining dad", "unavailable dad", "grumpy dad" etc. (and do not show her that you are a doormat dad) Read a book called "Parent Effectiveness Training" by Gordon and follow it to the reasonable extent possible. (yes, it works). It more or less guarantees such a good relationship. Spend time with your daughter, which your wife will likely appreciate as it gives her free time. Let's say at least 2 hours per day. If you two hang on for a while and then split when your daughter is 10, you will thank me for my advice. Winning your daughter's love, admiration and interest may be more realistic and more productive than winning same from your wife, at a prohibitive emotional cost. Trying to improve how she treats you is a good thing, and I wrote about it a little in my other posts. But my suggestion in this post is also quite important.
                          Good post, Igor.

                          I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before but I think your incentive-based
                          approach using both positive *and* negative techniques has merit. With a few
                          provisos about using more positive than negative incentives and keeping the
                          negative responses under strict control, that is. lol It's been interesting
                          reading your experiences with your wife's past behaviour towards you and you
                          present them and how you dealt with them in a thoughtful and helpful way.

                          Tai


                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Wife that is hateful

                            In article <[email protected]>, Tai wrote:
                            Ignoramus19207 wrote:
                            In article <[email protected]> , Don wrote:
                            The thing is, she does not act this way around anyone else. She talks all the time with her mom. She never talks to me. I really need some advice. I want to stand up and do something but I do not know how and dont want to be careful of my 3 year old.
                            My another suggestion to you that is of extreme importance. I am sorry I forgot to say it. Under all circumstances, try to foster and maintain a close, loving, trusting, and respectful relationship with your daughter. Do not be put in the position of "disciplining dad", "unavailable dad", "grumpy dad" etc. (and do not show her that you are a doormat dad) Read a book called "Parent Effectiveness Training" by Gordon and follow it to the reasonable extent possible. (yes, it works). It more or less guarantees such a good relationship. Spend time with your daughter, which your wife will likely appreciate as it gives her free time. Let's say at least 2 hours per day. If you two hang on for a while and then split when your daughter is 10, you will thank me for my advice. Winning your daughter's love, admiration and interest may be more realistic and more productive than winning same from your wife, at a prohibitive emotional cost. Trying to improve how she treats you is a good thing, and I wrote about it a little in my other posts. But my suggestion in this post is also quite important.
                            Good post, Igor. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before but I think your incentive-based approach using both positive *and* negative techniques has merit. With a few provisos about using more positive than negative incentives and keeping the negative responses under strict control, that is. lol It's been interesting reading your experiences with your wife's past behaviour towards you and you present them and how you dealt with them in a thoughtful and helpful way.
                            Thanks Tai. Yes, I was surprised and delighted to see it work. Whether
                            it works long term remains to be seen, but I am hopeful.

                            i

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Wife that is hateful

                              On 12 Dec 2003 19:10:23 GMT, Ignoramus19207
                              <[email protected]> wrote:
                              In article <[email protected]> , Don wrote:
                              The thing is, she does not act this way around anyone else. She talks all the time with her mom. She never talks to me. I really need some advice. I want to stand up and do something but I do not know how and dont want to be careful of my 3 year old.
                              My another suggestion to you that is of extreme importance.I am sorry I forgot to say it.Under all circumstances, try to foster and maintain a close, loving,trusting, and respectful relationship with your daughter.Do not be put in the position of "disciplining dad", "unavailabledad", "grumpy dad" etc. (and do not show her that you are a doormatdad)Read a book called "Parent Effectiveness Training" by Gordon andfollow it to the reasonable extent possible. (yes, it works). It moreor less guarantees such a good relationship.Spend time with your daughter, which your wife will likely appreciateas it gives her free time. Let's say at least 2 hours per day. If youtwo hang on for a while and then split when your daughter is 10, youwill thank me for my advice.Winning your daughter's love, admiration and interest may be morerealistic and more productive than winning same from your wife, at aprohibitive emotional cost.Trying to improve how she treats you is a good thing, and I wroteabout it a little in my other posts. But my suggestion in this post isalso quite important.i
                              My ex husband was very close to her dad. One of the reasons that I
                              they were is that they *did* things together, He took her out to
                              dinner and a movie about once a week. The went hiking together.He also
                              taught her to sail and to shoot. And he founded a pirate re-encators
                              club (which has spawed more club around the world) and he and our
                              daughter participated in their activities. Plus he has "kids" night at
                              his house every thursday where all his friend and their kids came
                              over. She just loved that. He was a pretty amazing dad.

                              Comment

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