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Best Friend in trouble Iowa

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  • Best Friend in trouble Iowa

    I apologize if this gets long but I am totally at the end of my rope. My best friend is an abusive relationship with an addict. She is 43 with grown children so she is not some young girl with stars in her eyes.

    A friend (J) of my husbands befriended her when his family was stationed here. He introduced her to his brother (B) that was staying with them. Very attractive and charming man. She went out with (B) a few times and decided they were better as friends.

    Jump forward! (J) calls her from overseas in early December and tells her (B) is having some problems with ONE of his babies momas. The baby momma had kicked him out and he had no where to go. (J) ask her if (B) could come stay with her for a few weeks until he got the money for a ticket and passport for him to come overseas. (J) told her that he would send her money until (B) found a temporary job. I begged her not to but again, she is a grown woman. This (B) has 8 children by 4 or 5 women. She agrees to let him come until February.

    Here we are in September and he is STILL here. To break this down, here are just a few things that have happened. He would not pursue getting a job, instead decided to go to Barber's School. They came to my house for a weekend with the understanding that NONE of his friends were allowed to stop by and nothing more than drinking was to happen in my home. I walk into my daughters' room to a mushroom cloud. I call her up stairs and proceed to ask them to leave. Like I told her, my kids were not to be around crap like that and he had showed my home disrespect by doing it in my house. Needless to say that was in January and they have not been back. He made some friends at school and they started going out with them occassionally. One weekend, they were at a couple's house and him and the male went to the car to get CD's. They were taking longer than expected and she went to find them. There were behind the vehicle "getting to know one another" and there was a few lines of cocaine on the truck of the car. That is how he was getting his fix since he had no money.

    Shortly after that incident, he started doing crack because it was cheaper. He gets high, crawls around the floor all night and does some things that will absolutely turn your stomach. A few weeks ago, he got angry because she would not give him money or take him to get a fix. He stole her purse and car and went to get it himself.

    This past weekend they went camping for the holiday and her son's birthday. He got angry and tore everything up in the tent and made her clean it up and pack up the tent. When they arrived home (after him yelling and calling her names the entire ride 3+ hours home) she laid down on the couch to sleep. He got angry and threw a soda in her face and forced himself on her.

    The reason I am putting it here is I need advice on Iowa child support laws.

    His ex lives in WISCONSIN and has been to court to pursue child support for their 2 children. She contacted my friend a few months ago and basically told her what was in store for her. And boy was she right. She begged my friend for information to where he was staying, going to school so that she could get him put in jail. After this weekend my friend called her and gave her all the information. The only way to get him out of her house is for the ex to act like he can come back up there to live with her. She was told that for every 120 days of failure to pay court ordered child support is a felony in the state of WISCONSIN. Is this true? If it is, she agreed to play it up and get him out of Oklahoma.

    I don't know what else to do for my friend. I can't force him out. I will not put myself in that position knowing I have children. (15 years ago and he would be beaten with a ball bat and I'd spend a few days in jail) JK!! My husband is deployed and basically told me to do what I can from AFAR. She is not to come to our home until he is gone and so on. He doesn't want him near our house. Please help if you know anything about Iowa state law.
    Last edited by atsiamanda; 09-05-2007, 06:25 AM. Reason: Wrong State....WISCONSIN should be state
    Amateurs built the Ark, Professionals built the Titanic

  • #2
    she has no children with this man correct? She wants to help the ex find him so that she can put him in jail? she wants to know how to get him out? Easy- she changes the locks when he's not there, she puts a restraining order against him and she ignores him completely. if he assaults her, she files charges. each and every time he come on her property or near her, she calls the cops.
    she needs to stay out of the CS drama. Give the ex the info and then kick him out.

    Comment


    • #3
      No she has no children with him. Thank God.

      This is one of those situations that you just want to scream over. She went and bought him a bus ticket to leave this week. He now refuses to leave the house for fear she will drop him at the bus station. She contacted the police and asked about "kicking him out." She was told that she would have to evict him due to the fact he has been there 9 months. They advised her to go to her landlord and have the landlord formally ask him to leave.

      I told her to take him to school (if he will leave the house) like nothing is wrong. Go back home and pack his crap, have it tagged at the bus station and then take the claim ticket to the front desk of his school with a letter telling him to not return to her home or she will call the police. She then needs to go to the landlord and make him aware of the situation in case he shows back up. The landlord lives right behind her apartment. She needs to have the locks changed and go away for a few days.

      The reason she contacted the ex was because of the supposed outstanding felony warrants. If she knows they are there and active she is looking at that a possible out. His ex wants him arrested also for fear he will show up at her door step if my friend does kick him out. He apparently was very abusive to her and she doesn't want him around her or the kids.

      Thanks for your reply. I just want to shake her and make her realize what's next. But she is 43 and not my child.
      Amateurs built the Ark, Professionals built the Titanic

      Comment


      • #4
        Why doesn't she just go to the police and ask them to check for outstanding warrants? If they are there, then she can tell them to come get him.
        HOOK 'EM HORNS!!!
        How do you catch a very rare rabbit?
        (unique up on him)
        How do catch an ordinary rabbit?
        (same way)

        Comment


        • #5
          Mommyof4,

          She was pulled over a few weeks ago for speeding. The officer saw him lay something in the floor board and asks him to step out of the car. He asked him for ID and permission to search the car. She granted permission. It turns out he had rolling papers in his cigarette pack. He ran both of them for outstanding warrants and found none.

          When she contacted the police about having him leaving, she inquired about them not finding warrants. They told her they could not answer why the warrants were not found. That is one reason she contacted the ex. She had been told that there were outstanding FELONY warrants for failure to pay CS. That is the reason I was wandering if they would issue FELONY warrants for failure to pay CS in Wisconsin.
          Amateurs built the Ark, Professionals built the Titanic

          Comment


          • #6
            From what I can find, yes WI will issue felony warrants for non payment of child support.

            She can call the police in Wisconsin (wherever this other woman is) and ask THEM if there are warrants issued. If there are, then she can ask them how they are going to get him.

            Really, though, if I was this woman and had no idea if what this other woman is saying is true, I would go the eviction route, and just stay out of the CS.
            HOOK 'EM HORNS!!!
            How do you catch a very rare rabbit?
            (unique up on him)
            How do catch an ordinary rabbit?
            (same way)

            Comment


            • #7
              if she is leasing the home and he is not on the lease, then the landlord needs to tell him he is trespassing - that he had no right to be on the property. if she owned the house, then the eviction thing I can see but she has no right to tell anyone they can stay there without written permission of the landlord. She needs to take him to school- give him some money to go out somewhere- something. get him gone, and do what she planned. she needs to have all his stuff out front with a letter from the landlord stating he is trespassing. she probably should at least have the kids gone when he gets there and finds it

              Comment


              • #8
                TY both for your replies. I also told her to have the landlord issue a No Trespassing on him. She was told that the landlord was aware of his staying there and would also have to go through the eviction process. I know that we were going to allow a relative to come stay with us for a few weeks following a medical procedure. I went to our landlord at the time and asked for permission. She told me that they could stay 29 days and would have to leave because if she allowed them to stay longer, they were considered a "resident" and she would have to have them evicted if any thing were to happen. Again, thank you for your replies.
                Amateurs built the Ark, Professionals built the Titanic

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by atsiamanda View Post
                  TY both for your replies. I also told her to have the landlord issue a No Trespassing on him. She was told that the landlord was aware of his staying there and would also have to go through the eviction process. I know that we were going to allow a relative to come stay with us for a few weeks following a medical procedure. I went to our landlord at the time and asked for permission. She told me that they could stay 29 days and would have to leave because if she allowed them to stay longer, they were considered a "resident" and she would have to have them evicted if any thing were to happen. Again, thank you for your replies.
                  Yep, that's correct. After 30 days, visitors are considered tennants (even if they don't pay any rent or sign a lease). They have to be legally evicted.
                  HOOK 'EM HORNS!!!
                  How do you catch a very rare rabbit?
                  (unique up on him)
                  How do catch an ordinary rabbit?
                  (same way)

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Update

                    My friend found him getting to know another male and when she confronted him, he went ballistic. He threatened her with bodily harm.

                    She calls me on a Monday and asked could she come stay with me a few days. Her son packed all his belongings and they dropped them off with him. Her son told him, do not come back to the house. The boyfriend turned around and threatened to kill them all. She gets in her car and comes to my house (65 miles away) and the kids change the locks and leave.

                    Well that was almost 2 weeks ago. She stayed with me a few days. He called all hours of the day and night. When he was sober, he was nice and begging her and when he was high, it was very nasty. He called her everything but her name. When she returned home, she basically started ignoring my calls and would get upset if I questioned if she was ok.

                    I gave her a few days because I realized she had to deal with alot. I wrote her an email and told her I loved her but I was done. I have done all I can do but I can't babysit her. I believe she is sneaking and seeing him. Her youngest son (20) called and told me that he was moving out because of this.

                    She is looking her family, friends and all. I just pray she will get out for good before it's too late!
                    Amateurs built the Ark, Professionals built the Titanic

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Let me try to help.

                      If he forced himself on her, that was domestic battery and rape. The good news is that he gets a mandatory spell in jail.

                      have this waste of skin arrested and jailed. While he is in there, make sure all the moms of his kids know he is behind bars. Have them call the DA and have him declared a flight risk from prosecution so that he doesn't make bail.

                      And then call the guy that forced his worthless brother on her and tell HIM the story. Along with the notification that he is not the soldier's problem.
                      Not everything that makes you mad, sad or uncomfortable is legally actionable.

                      I am not now nor ever was an attorney.

                      Any statements I make are based purely upon my personal experiences and research which may or may not be accurate in a court of law.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Cyjeff,

                        I totally agree with you. It is not his brother's problem and that is the reason I think the brother was so eager to get him out of his hair.

                        I have talked to her until I am blue in the face. Her grown kids have also tried to talk to her and to no avail. I threatened to call the police myself but I know that she will not back me up and tell the truth.

                        Like I told her, no wander all the babies momas don't bother him and try to get him to be a part of the kids' lives. They know how he is and they are glad to be rid of him.

                        Amanda
                        Amateurs built the Ark, Professionals built the Titanic

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          So you call the police about the attack.

                          They will interview them both. Sure, it is underhanded, but it will get the jerk behind bars if either speaks.
                          Not everything that makes you mad, sad or uncomfortable is legally actionable.

                          I am not now nor ever was an attorney.

                          Any statements I make are based purely upon my personal experiences and research which may or may not be accurate in a court of law.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Her sister had called the police when he stole her purse and car. They show up right after he comes back. She told the police that she allowed him to take the car. When they questioned her about the purse, she said she had forgotten that she left it in the trunk.

                            I know it sounds cold of me to just turn away but I have enough on my plate. My husband is deployed and I worry about him constantly. I am raising my kids alone while he is gone and all the while holding a full time job along with a part time.

                            She is aware that I am here if she chooses to get out. I will help any way possible. It's up to her to help herself before anyone else can.
                            Amateurs built the Ark, Professionals built the Titanic

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Tell her that.

                              Tell her that you can only help her if she wants to be helped and you will not lift another finger to help her until she approaches you (except to put her in your prayers if so inclined).

                              Then walk away. Unless you were born on the planet Krypton and have a big S on your chest, you are not responsible for saving the world. This was a lesson I had to learn the hard way.

                              Good luck.
                              Not everything that makes you mad, sad or uncomfortable is legally actionable.

                              I am not now nor ever was an attorney.

                              Any statements I make are based purely upon my personal experiences and research which may or may not be accurate in a court of law.

                              Comment

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