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custodial mom Florida

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  • confused mother
    started a topic custodial mom Florida

    custodial mom Florida

    My daughter is 15, I was never married to her father and we split when she was a year old. I have raised her since. I established sole custody through the courts many years ago during one of her fathers many incarcerations (no visitation was ever set up). He is about $9000.00 behind in child support, has sparatically had contact with her. She is beginning to really act out against me and my rules and when she goes to see her father she is allowed to do whatever she wants and he tells her that my rules are stupid and he plays in to her sob stories about her "terrible life". She has been caught having sex, taking provocative pictures of herself and posting them on my space, and a number of other things. She wants to go live with her dad so she can continue to do these things without getting into trouble (and he is encouraging her to do so). He continues to plant seeds into her head which is making our (hers and mine) relationship even more strained and now she has given me a choice- either let her live with her dad or when she is 16 she will become emancipated and I will never hear from her again. (I know she can not do this and I have no intentions of letting her live with her father) Her father has no means to care for her, he lives with his parents, has not had a drivers license in 14 years and still owes too much to get it back, and has a long rap sheet (of non-violent charges).

    My questions are: Will the courts allow me to get supervised visitation because of his interference? (I have been to see a lawyer but don't want to put up the retainer if I can't win) Do I have to allow her to go to his house if visitation was never established? If the courts gave her to her father would I have to pay him child support and would he still be responsible for his back support? Any advice on how to handle a situation such as this one?
    Last edited by confused mother; 01-23-2007, 08:33 AM.

  • mom26
    replied
    No you do not have to let her have visitation with him if there is no court order, and when it comes to that point ask for supervised visitaion.

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  • milspecgirl
    replied
    take it all away. The only thing you have to provide is food, shelter, and necessities. Take away the designer clothes, computer, cell phone, after school activities, and anything she even remotely thinks is fun. She will have to earn them back. Stop allowing visitation until he gets a court order- for once, make him prove he wants to be part of her life. File with CSE for shild support enforcement. You seem like a strong mom and this is going to test it, but you have got to stop it now or she will destroy her life.

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  • MomofBoys
    replied
    Originally posted by rcpilot View Post
    I was simply pointing out, by applying intelegence and psychology, that her already rebelious daughter is most likely to rebel even further WHEN Mom forbids her to see her Father as you are urging her to do."
    I agree with you, and that is good information. However, it is NOT a reason for Mom to allow the relationship with Dad to procede the way it currently is. Dad needs to step up and act like a father. He needs to apply for visitation and start paying what he owes. And just because the child may act out, that is no reason to NOT enforce your rules. All children rebel against rules, just at different levels. If I gave in to my 4 year old every time he had a tantrum, I'd have a hell of a brat on my hands.

    Another thought for Mom though -- get rid of EVERYTHING. I mean it. Unplug the computer from the wall, disconnect the cell phone service and start spending Friday and Saturday nights sitting next to her on the couch. Just like when we were kids, one of the best types of discipline is to take away privlidges.

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  • MomofBoys
    replied
    Originally posted by confused mother View Post
    now she has given me a choice- either let her live with her dad or when she is 16 she will become emancipated and I will never hear from her again. (I know she can not do this and I have no intentions of letting her live with her father)
    You hit it on the head with that one. She is the child, you are the adult. She cannot in any way, shape or form tell YOU what will happen. And since you have sole custody, neither can Dad.

    Originally posted by confused mother View Post
    My questions are: Will the courts allow me to get supervised visitation because of his interference? (I have been to see a lawyer but don't want to put up the retainer if I can't win) Do I have to allow her to go to his house if visitation was never established? If the courts gave her to her father would I have to pay him child support and would he still be responsible for his back support? Any advice on how to handle a situation such as this one?
    1. He first needs to APPLY for visitation. But the fact that you have been letting him have visitation all this time may get in the way of getting it supervised. But he still must apply for it first and foremost.

    2. You do not have to allow her to go to his home. He needs to establish visitation FIRST. Yes, she may become even more unruly if you procede this way, but you are her mother with sole custody, it is your decision to make. If she acts like, well, the child she is, and acts out at home, take away all of her privlidges. If she tries to run away, call the police. But the fact that she may get even more angry with you is no reason to bow to her wishes. You are the mom, you get to make the rules. Letting a child get their way by acting out is bad parenting.

    3. The court is not going to hand your daughter over to her father. He needs to go through all the steps applying for visitation FIRST, then would have to prove that YOU are unfit in order to get a change in custody. The only state where a child can choose where s/he wants to live is Georgia, and even there only if the child is not being coerced. However, if you do eventually AGREE that she live with her father, yes, you would pay CS, but he would still owe YOU backsupport.

    4. Father problems aside, you need to put this girl in counseling (and go with her). Her behavior is dangerous. If her father is enabling her destructive behavior, you have every right to keep her from him. And his actions as they pertain to your daughter ARE something you can bring up in court.
    Last edited by MomofBoys; 01-23-2007, 09:11 AM.

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  • mommyof4
    replied
    Originally posted by rcpilot View Post
    I was simply pointing out, by applying intelegence and psychology, that her already rebelious daughter is most likely to rebel even further WHEN Mom forbids her to see her Father as you are urging her to do.

    I am not saying she has no legal right, but to quote someone on this site speaking to a Father - thru a girlfriend, about HIS rights as a father -
    "Unless he is a child molesting, crack head axe-murderer, he will be granted visitation and there will be nothing she can legally do to stop him from having a relationship with his child."
    And I am pointing out by applying intelligence and common sense that as a mother, it is her job to protect her child from ANYBODY that wishes to cause her harm.

    I didn't say he would not get visitation if he actually got up the gumption to file for it. I said he will NOT GET CUSTODY. I also said HE WILL HAVE TO FILE. Now, can you come up with one good reason to explain away 15 years of inactivity and $9000 worth of CS arrearages, besides prison, I mean.

    If you notice, also, part of my advice was to get herself and this child into therapy. There are other issues at play here, Dad is only exasperating the problem.

    I fully expect that the daughter is going to rebel, have anger issues, feelings of betrayal, and feelings of oppression. I'm pretty sure, based on what this mother posted, she is already dealing with this.

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  • rcpilot
    replied
    I was only pointing out

    I was simply pointing out, by applying intelegence and psychology, that her already rebelious daughter is most likely to rebel even further WHEN Mom forbids her to see her Father as you are urging her to do.

    I am not saying she has no legal right, but to quote someone on this site speaking to a Father - thru a girlfriend, about HIS rights as a father -
    "Unless he is a child molesting, crack head axe-murderer, he will be granted visitation and there will be nothing she can legally do to stop him from having a relationship with his child."

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  • mommyof4
    replied
    Originally posted by rcpilot View Post
    When you do begin to keep your daughter from seeing her dad as advised above plan on your daughter breaking with you completely emotionally and possibly physically(meaning she will probably run away). Unless Your ex's crimes were against your and/or your daughter, you will not even be allowed to bring it up in any custody hearing as it is irrelevant to his ability to be a father.
    You must have missed the part that HE will have to file for custody/visitation and, oh yeah, he only has sporadic visitation and he has no money, driver's license, home, etc.

    It is easy to show that HE is unfit due to the negative influene is having on this child. I think a more important thing here is to get through to this child that she IS the child in this situation and what Mom says, goes. It is WRONG to allow a 15 year old child to dictate how life is going to be, or else. It is even worse that her father is pushing her to do so. If he wanted to have a legal right to raise her and help influence her, he has had 15 years to file. Why hasn't he? Oh yeah... it's easier to blame Mom.

    I fully expect a mother that has the backbone to state that her daughter WILL NOT do so and so, has the backbone to deal with a 15 year old kid that needs to be reined in with a reality check. That reality is that Dad is only around when it is convenient, and only to sow discord with the mother.

    Oh, and since the sole custody was awarded on the basis of his criminal status, in this case, it could very well be a viable issue.
    Last edited by mommyof4; 01-23-2007, 08:53 AM.

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  • rcpilot
    replied
    When you do

    When you do begin to keep your daughter from seeing her dad as advised above plan on your daughter breaking with you completely emotionally and possibly physically(meaning she will probably run away). Unless Your ex's crimes were against your and/or your daughter, you will not even be allowed to bring it up in any custody hearing as it is irrelevant to his ability to be a father.

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  • mommyof4
    replied
    If there is not a court order stating that he is granted visitation, you are under no legal obligation to allow him any contact with your daughter. If he wants visitation, he will have to file in court to get an order.

    I suggest that you disallow visitation, get you and your daughter into family counseling, and let him worry about establishing visitation. Unless he sues for custody and can prove that you are an unfit mother, he won't get custody.
    Last edited by mommyof4; 01-23-2007, 08:38 AM.

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