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  • Trauma after adultery just won't go away. Please help, what can I do?

    Here's my story. It's not a hoax, though to most people it might seem
    a silly thing, it's a huge problem for me and I'd be grateful for your
    help - what should I do.

    I am a 58 year old male.

    20 years ago I had a one night stand with my wife's friend who I will
    call Anne.
    I became besotted with Anne but she moved on. It remained a one night
    stand and we lost touch. My wife had her suspicions about Anne but I
    lied. Life went on for 15 years and I forgot about Anne.

    Then, after 15 years I began talking to myself, saying out loud "Anne,
    I love you" and "Anne, I'd like to f*** you". This came out of nowhere
    and, as far as I am aware, nothing triggered it. I was talking out
    loud at inappropriate times and then my wife heard me.

    I admitted the adultery and she was devastated. She understandably
    believes that I am still mentally involved with Anne.

    For the last 5 years I have been fighting the urge to talk out loud
    and have mostly been keeping it under control. Now, however, the
    problem has got worse. I talk out loud, saying the same things (as
    above) but I am NOT aware I am doing it (I really don't know I have
    spoken - even when it is brought to my attention). You can imagine how
    my wife feels about this.

    I love my wife and am full of remorse about my previous
    unfaithfullness. Anne never crosses my conscious mind - so why, why am
    I talking out loud?

    I don't have any history of psychological problems and in other ways
    am a reasonably stable person.

    I thought I may have a variant of tourette syndrome but as far as I
    can tell from internet searches this is a childhood illness.

    I am ashamed I am talking out loud. I do not want to continually hurt
    my wife.

    Any help or advice will be gratfully received.

  • #2
    Trauma after adultery just won't go away. Please help, whatcan...

    Well, i guess its not a matter of me just telling you to 'keep your
    mouth shut' ! I would go to a Pychiatrist on this one because its
    something you dont have any control over . Id hate to see you in a
    restaurant with your wife , and you turning to the married lady at back
    of you and saying :" Anne, i want to ____ you !" (if her name just
    happens to BE anne...then you could end up on a stretcher before you
    finish your burger).

    Comment


    • #3
      Trauma after adultery just won't go away. Please help, whatcan...

      Well, i guess its not a matter of me just telling you to 'keep your
      mouth shut' ! I would go to a Pychiatrist on this one because its
      something you dont have any control over . Id hate to see you in a
      restaurant with your wife , and you turning to the married lady at back
      of you and saying :" Anne, i want to ____ you !" (if her name just
      happens to BE anne...then you could end up on a stretcher before you
      finish your burger).

      Comment


      • #4
        Trauma after adultery just won't go away. Please help, what can I do?


        "paul" <[email protected]> wrote in message
        news:[email protected] om...
        Here's my story. It's not a hoax, though to most people it might seem a silly thing, it's a huge problem for me and I'd be grateful for your help - what should I do. I am a 58 year old male. 20 years ago I had a one night stand with my wife's friend who I will call Anne. I became besotted with Anne but she moved on. It remained a one night stand and we lost touch. My wife had her suspicions about Anne but I lied. Life went on for 15 years and I forgot about Anne. Then, after 15 years I began talking to myself, saying out loud "Anne, I love you" and "Anne, I'd like to f*** you". This came out of nowhere and, as far as I am aware, nothing triggered it. I was talking out loud at inappropriate times and then my wife heard me. I admitted the adultery and she was devastated. She understandably believes that I am still mentally involved with Anne. For the last 5 years I have been fighting the urge to talk out loud and have mostly been keeping it under control. Now, however, the problem has got worse. I talk out loud, saying the same things (as above) but I am NOT aware I am doing it (I really don't know I have spoken - even when it is brought to my attention). You can imagine how my wife feels about this. I love my wife and am full of remorse about my previous unfaithfullness. Anne never crosses my conscious mind - so why, why am I talking out loud? I don't have any history of psychological problems and in other ways am a reasonably stable person. I thought I may have a variant of tourette syndrome but as far as I can tell from internet searches this is a childhood illness. I am ashamed I am talking out loud. I do not want to continually hurt my wife.
        Consult a neurologist, and a psychiatrist. Maybe you have a brain tumor, or
        have had a stroke.


        Comment


        • #5
          Trauma after adultery just won't go away. Please help, what can I do?


          "paul" <[email protected]> wrote in message
          news:[email protected] om...
          Here's my story. It's not a hoax, though to most people it might seem a silly thing, it's a huge problem for me and I'd be grateful for your help - what should I do. I am a 58 year old male. 20 years ago I had a one night stand with my wife's friend who I will call Anne. I became besotted with Anne but she moved on. It remained a one night stand and we lost touch. My wife had her suspicions about Anne but I lied. Life went on for 15 years and I forgot about Anne. Then, after 15 years I began talking to myself, saying out loud "Anne, I love you" and "Anne, I'd like to f*** you". This came out of nowhere and, as far as I am aware, nothing triggered it. I was talking out loud at inappropriate times and then my wife heard me. I admitted the adultery and she was devastated. She understandably believes that I am still mentally involved with Anne. For the last 5 years I have been fighting the urge to talk out loud and have mostly been keeping it under control. Now, however, the problem has got worse. I talk out loud, saying the same things (as above) but I am NOT aware I am doing it (I really don't know I have spoken - even when it is brought to my attention). You can imagine how my wife feels about this. I love my wife and am full of remorse about my previous unfaithfullness. Anne never crosses my conscious mind - so why, why am I talking out loud? I don't have any history of psychological problems and in other ways am a reasonably stable person. I thought I may have a variant of tourette syndrome but as far as I can tell from internet searches this is a childhood illness. I am ashamed I am talking out loud. I do not want to continually hurt my wife.
          Consult a neurologist, and a psychiatrist. Maybe you have a brain tumor, or
          have had a stroke.


          Comment


          • #6
            Trauma after adultery just won't go away. Please help, what can I do?

            paul wrote:
            Here's my story. It's not a hoax, though to most people it might seem a silly thing, it's a huge problem for me and I'd be grateful for your help - what should I do. I am a 58 year old male. 20 years ago I had a one night stand with my wife's friend who I will call Anne. I became besotted with Anne but she moved on. It remained a one night stand and we lost touch. My wife had her suspicions about Anne but I lied. Life went on for 15 years and I forgot about Anne. Then, after 15 years I began talking to myself, saying out loud "Anne, I love you" and "Anne, I'd like to f*** you". This came out of nowhere and, as far as I am aware, nothing triggered it. I was talking out loud at inappropriate times and then my wife heard me. I admitted the adultery and she was devastated. She understandably believes that I am still mentally involved with Anne. For the last 5 years I have been fighting the urge to talk out loud and have mostly been keeping it under control. Now, however, the problem has got worse. I talk out loud, saying the same things (as above) but I am NOT aware I am doing it (I really don't know I have spoken - even when it is brought to my attention). You can imagine how my wife feels about this. I love my wife and am full of remorse about my previous unfaithfulness. Anne never crosses my conscious mind - so why, why am I talking out loud? I don't have any history of psychological problems and in other ways am a reasonably stable person. I thought I may have a variant of tourette syndrome but as far as I can tell from internet searches this is a childhood illness. I am ashamed I am talking out loud. I do not want to continually hurt my wife. Any help or advice will be gratfully received.
            Paul, I am on the opposite side to "UnwillB etc". I am willing to believe
            that one's conscience is there for a useful purpose, and we shouldn't
            really need policemen to protect us from amoral types like him.

            You have bottled this up for a long time, hidden it from your wife. You
            feel guilty. This is normal guilt and is a good sign. When most of us
            were churchgoers, we believed in sin, and the guilt which follows. Now we
            try to say that we are machines, without a conscience, and we don't need a
            conscience any more.

            Psychiatrists have never tried to argue that "normal guilt" was anything
            else but a healthy reaction. It is not pathological. You feel that you
            have let your wife down, You say that you expected the relationship with
            Anne to go further, but it didn't.

            I would advise you to consult a psychiatrist or marriage guidance counsellor
            who shares the values I have outlined. Explore with him your ongoing
            feelings about Anne and your feelings towards your wife. More than that I
            can't suggest. It is this very feeling of guilt that Christianity offers
            an answer for, but if you are like many today, you will prefer the advice
            of a professional. You will realize by now that I believe you are a normal
            person with a sense of responsibility. Good for you.

            Doug.
            --
            *** Number 178748389. Registered Linux User No. 277548.
            Imagine all the people living for today.
            - John Lennon.

            Comment


            • #7
              Trauma after adultery just won't go away. Please help, what can I do?

              paul wrote:
              Here's my story. It's not a hoax, though to most people it might seem a silly thing, it's a huge problem for me and I'd be grateful for your help - what should I do. I am a 58 year old male. 20 years ago I had a one night stand with my wife's friend who I will call Anne. I became besotted with Anne but she moved on. It remained a one night stand and we lost touch. My wife had her suspicions about Anne but I lied. Life went on for 15 years and I forgot about Anne. Then, after 15 years I began talking to myself, saying out loud "Anne, I love you" and "Anne, I'd like to f*** you". This came out of nowhere and, as far as I am aware, nothing triggered it. I was talking out loud at inappropriate times and then my wife heard me. I admitted the adultery and she was devastated. She understandably believes that I am still mentally involved with Anne. For the last 5 years I have been fighting the urge to talk out loud and have mostly been keeping it under control. Now, however, the problem has got worse. I talk out loud, saying the same things (as above) but I am NOT aware I am doing it (I really don't know I have spoken - even when it is brought to my attention). You can imagine how my wife feels about this. I love my wife and am full of remorse about my previous unfaithfulness. Anne never crosses my conscious mind - so why, why am I talking out loud? I don't have any history of psychological problems and in other ways am a reasonably stable person. I thought I may have a variant of tourette syndrome but as far as I can tell from internet searches this is a childhood illness. I am ashamed I am talking out loud. I do not want to continually hurt my wife. Any help or advice will be gratfully received.
              Paul, I am on the opposite side to "UnwillB etc". I am willing to believe
              that one's conscience is there for a useful purpose, and we shouldn't
              really need policemen to protect us from amoral types like him.

              You have bottled this up for a long time, hidden it from your wife. You
              feel guilty. This is normal guilt and is a good sign. When most of us
              were churchgoers, we believed in sin, and the guilt which follows. Now we
              try to say that we are machines, without a conscience, and we don't need a
              conscience any more.

              Psychiatrists have never tried to argue that "normal guilt" was anything
              else but a healthy reaction. It is not pathological. You feel that you
              have let your wife down, You say that you expected the relationship with
              Anne to go further, but it didn't.

              I would advise you to consult a psychiatrist or marriage guidance counsellor
              who shares the values I have outlined. Explore with him your ongoing
              feelings about Anne and your feelings towards your wife. More than that I
              can't suggest. It is this very feeling of guilt that Christianity offers
              an answer for, but if you are like many today, you will prefer the advice
              of a professional. You will realize by now that I believe you are a normal
              person with a sense of responsibility. Good for you.

              Doug.
              --
              *** Number 178748389. Registered Linux User No. 277548.
              Imagine all the people living for today.
              - John Lennon.

              Comment


              • #8
                Trauma after adultery just won't go away. Please help, whatcan...

                'When most of us were churchgoers, we believed in sin, and the guilt
                which follows. Now we try to say that we are machines, without a
                conscience, and we don't need a conscience any more.'

                REPLY: Good analogy on what happens when one puts distance between
                himself and the Creator. God gave us a conscience to live by and make
                correct decisions by ; but today, the masses suppress it. In Bills
                case, i think he has a medical condition if he is as uncontrolled as he
                is saying he is. But, ive seen God work instant healing and miracles and
                asking him for this is proper.

                'I would advise you to consult a psychiatrist or marriage guidance
                counsellor who shares the values I have outlined. Explore with him your
                ongoing feelings about Anne and your feelings towards your wife

                REPLY: Yes...agree.

                'It is this very feeling of guilt that Christianity offers an answer
                for, but if you are like many today, you will prefer the advice of a
                professional.'

                REPLY: The real 'professional' is none other than the Creator who
                understands you better than you do or that any counsellor can ; deepen
                your relationship with him and...see a Counsellor...but be sure you find
                a non secular Counsellor, otherwise, you will conflicting opinion to
                what the Creator says clearly in his written word to mankind concerning
                Sin, guilt, conscience, shame, etc...

                Comment


                • #9
                  Trauma after adultery just won't go away. Please help, whatcan...

                  'When most of us were churchgoers, we believed in sin, and the guilt
                  which follows. Now we try to say that we are machines, without a
                  conscience, and we don't need a conscience any more.'

                  REPLY: Good analogy on what happens when one puts distance between
                  himself and the Creator. God gave us a conscience to live by and make
                  correct decisions by ; but today, the masses suppress it. In Bills
                  case, i think he has a medical condition if he is as uncontrolled as he
                  is saying he is. But, ive seen God work instant healing and miracles and
                  asking him for this is proper.

                  'I would advise you to consult a psychiatrist or marriage guidance
                  counsellor who shares the values I have outlined. Explore with him your
                  ongoing feelings about Anne and your feelings towards your wife

                  REPLY: Yes...agree.

                  'It is this very feeling of guilt that Christianity offers an answer
                  for, but if you are like many today, you will prefer the advice of a
                  professional.'

                  REPLY: The real 'professional' is none other than the Creator who
                  understands you better than you do or that any counsellor can ; deepen
                  your relationship with him and...see a Counsellor...but be sure you find
                  a non secular Counsellor, otherwise, you will conflicting opinion to
                  what the Creator says clearly in his written word to mankind concerning
                  Sin, guilt, conscience, shame, etc...

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Trauma after adultery just won't go away. Please help, what can...

                    ChimChimery ChimChimery wrote:
                    'When most of us were churchgoers, we believed in sin, and the guilt which follows. Now we try to say that we are machines, without a conscience, and we don't need a conscience any more.' REPLY: Good analogy on what happens when one puts distance between himself and the Creator. God gave us a conscience to live by and make correct decisions by ; but today, the masses suppress it. In Bills case, i think he has a medical condition if he is as uncontrolled as he is saying he is. But, ive seen God work instant healing and miracles and asking him for this is proper. 'I would advise you to consult a psychiatrist or marriage guidance counsellor who shares the values I have outlined. Explore with him your ongoing feelings about Anne and your feelings towards your wife REPLY: Yes...agree. 'It is this very feeling of guilt that Christianity offers an answer for, but if you are like many today, you will prefer the advice of a professional.' REPLY: The real 'professional' is none other than the Creator who understands you better than you do or that any counsellor can ; deepen your relationship with him and...see a Counsellor...but be sure you find a non secular Counsellor, otherwise, you will conflicting opinion to what the Creator says clearly in his written word to mankind concerning Sin, guilt, conscience, shame, etc...
                    Yes, but what do you do when the lines of communication are broken? What do
                    you do for the non-believer? Personally, I don't believe in just giving
                    him a "referral" to the Creator. I have to do what I can at the
                    person-to-person level. (James 2:16) As my sig quote from Leslie D.
                    Weatherhead so eloquently puts it: "Love, even the love of God, is only
                    mediated through persons."

                    "Kitchen Table Wisdom" puts it this way (roughly) "In this moment, I am
                    here. Use me to heal." I am "on the spot", like the Good Samaritan. He
                    didn't choose to meet the man that day. Life threw the situation at him,
                    and he responded. Sometimes I have to stop myself rushing in with some
                    quick answer.

                    Doug.
                    --
                    *** Number 178748389. Registered Linux User No. 277548.
                    A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends.
                    - Baltasar Gracian.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Trauma after adultery just won't go away. Please help, what can...

                      ChimChimery ChimChimery wrote:
                      'When most of us were churchgoers, we believed in sin, and the guilt which follows. Now we try to say that we are machines, without a conscience, and we don't need a conscience any more.' REPLY: Good analogy on what happens when one puts distance between himself and the Creator. God gave us a conscience to live by and make correct decisions by ; but today, the masses suppress it. In Bills case, i think he has a medical condition if he is as uncontrolled as he is saying he is. But, ive seen God work instant healing and miracles and asking him for this is proper. 'I would advise you to consult a psychiatrist or marriage guidance counsellor who shares the values I have outlined. Explore with him your ongoing feelings about Anne and your feelings towards your wife REPLY: Yes...agree. 'It is this very feeling of guilt that Christianity offers an answer for, but if you are like many today, you will prefer the advice of a professional.' REPLY: The real 'professional' is none other than the Creator who understands you better than you do or that any counsellor can ; deepen your relationship with him and...see a Counsellor...but be sure you find a non secular Counsellor, otherwise, you will conflicting opinion to what the Creator says clearly in his written word to mankind concerning Sin, guilt, conscience, shame, etc...
                      Yes, but what do you do when the lines of communication are broken? What do
                      you do for the non-believer? Personally, I don't believe in just giving
                      him a "referral" to the Creator. I have to do what I can at the
                      person-to-person level. (James 2:16) As my sig quote from Leslie D.
                      Weatherhead so eloquently puts it: "Love, even the love of God, is only
                      mediated through persons."

                      "Kitchen Table Wisdom" puts it this way (roughly) "In this moment, I am
                      here. Use me to heal." I am "on the spot", like the Good Samaritan. He
                      didn't choose to meet the man that day. Life threw the situation at him,
                      and he responded. Sometimes I have to stop myself rushing in with some
                      quick answer.

                      Doug.
                      --
                      *** Number 178748389. Registered Linux User No. 277548.
                      A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends.
                      - Baltasar Gracian.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Trauma after adultery just won't go away. Please help, what can I do?

                        Doug Laidlaw wrote:
                        paul wrote:
                        Here's my story. It's not a hoax, though to most people it might seem a silly thing, it's a huge problem for me and I'd be grateful for your help - what should I do. I am a 58 year old male. 20 years ago I had a one night stand with my wife's friend who I will call Anne. I became besotted with Anne but she moved on. It remained a one night stand and we lost touch. My wife had her suspicions about Anne but I lied. Life went on for 15 years and I forgot about Anne. Then, after 15 years I began talking to myself, saying out loud "Anne, I love you" and "Anne, I'd like to f*** you". This came out of nowhere and, as far as I am aware, nothing triggered it. I was talking out loud at inappropriate times and then my wife heard me. I admitted the adultery and she was devastated. She understandably believes that I am still mentally involved with Anne. For the last 5 years I have been fighting the urge to talk out loud and have mostly been keeping it under control. Now, however, the problem has got worse. I talk out loud, saying the same things (as above) but I am NOT aware I am doing it (I really don't know I have spoken - even when it is brought to my attention). You can imagine how my wife feels about this. I love my wife and am full of remorse about my previous unfaithfulness. Anne never crosses my conscious mind - so why, why am I talking out loud? I don't have any history of psychological problems and in other ways am a reasonably stable person. I thought I may have a variant of tourette syndrome but as far as I can tell from internet searches this is a childhood illness. I am ashamed I am talking out loud. I do not want to continually hurt my wife. Any help or advice will be gratfully received.
                        Paul, I am on the opposite side to "UnwillB etc". I am willing to believe that one's conscience is there for a useful purpose, and we shouldn't really need policemen to protect us from amoral types like him. You have bottled this up for a long time, hidden it from your wife. You feel guilty. This is normal guilt and is a good sign. When most of us were churchgoers, we believed in sin, and the guilt which follows. Now we try to say that we are machines, without a conscience, and we don't need a conscience any more. Psychiatrists have never tried to argue that "normal guilt" was anything else but a healthy reaction. It is not pathological. You feel that you have let your wife down, You say that you expected the relationship with Anne to go further, but it didn't. I would advise you to consult a psychiatrist or marriage guidance counsellor who shares the values I have outlined. Explore with him your ongoing feelings about Anne and your feelings towards your wife. More than that I can't suggest. It is this very feeling of guilt that Christianity offers an answer for, but if you are like many today, you will prefer the advice of a professional. You will realize by now that I believe you are a normal person with a sense of responsibility. Good for you. Doug.
                        Perhaps I should add as a rider that I am not necessarily in favour of
                        "telling all" to one's spouse. As someone said, it makes the erring
                        partner feel better, but it leaves the spouse with a feeling that their
                        partner can't be trusted. It may be appropriate to avoid that result. As
                        I said once before, there are no hard-and-fast rules. In the end it is a
                        matter of judgment. We can't avoid the responsibility of making decisions
                        like this. Paul's original post said that his wife already knew, and I
                        operated within those parameters.

                        Doug.
                        --
                        *** Number 178748389. Registered Linux User No. 277548.
                        Reach high, for stars lie hidden in your soul.
                        Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal.
                        - Unknown.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Trauma after adultery just won't go away. Please help, what can I do?

                          Doug Laidlaw wrote:
                          paul wrote:
                          Here's my story. It's not a hoax, though to most people it might seem a silly thing, it's a huge problem for me and I'd be grateful for your help - what should I do. I am a 58 year old male. 20 years ago I had a one night stand with my wife's friend who I will call Anne. I became besotted with Anne but she moved on. It remained a one night stand and we lost touch. My wife had her suspicions about Anne but I lied. Life went on for 15 years and I forgot about Anne. Then, after 15 years I began talking to myself, saying out loud "Anne, I love you" and "Anne, I'd like to f*** you". This came out of nowhere and, as far as I am aware, nothing triggered it. I was talking out loud at inappropriate times and then my wife heard me. I admitted the adultery and she was devastated. She understandably believes that I am still mentally involved with Anne. For the last 5 years I have been fighting the urge to talk out loud and have mostly been keeping it under control. Now, however, the problem has got worse. I talk out loud, saying the same things (as above) but I am NOT aware I am doing it (I really don't know I have spoken - even when it is brought to my attention). You can imagine how my wife feels about this. I love my wife and am full of remorse about my previous unfaithfulness. Anne never crosses my conscious mind - so why, why am I talking out loud? I don't have any history of psychological problems and in other ways am a reasonably stable person. I thought I may have a variant of tourette syndrome but as far as I can tell from internet searches this is a childhood illness. I am ashamed I am talking out loud. I do not want to continually hurt my wife. Any help or advice will be gratfully received.
                          Paul, I am on the opposite side to "UnwillB etc". I am willing to believe that one's conscience is there for a useful purpose, and we shouldn't really need policemen to protect us from amoral types like him. You have bottled this up for a long time, hidden it from your wife. You feel guilty. This is normal guilt and is a good sign. When most of us were churchgoers, we believed in sin, and the guilt which follows. Now we try to say that we are machines, without a conscience, and we don't need a conscience any more. Psychiatrists have never tried to argue that "normal guilt" was anything else but a healthy reaction. It is not pathological. You feel that you have let your wife down, You say that you expected the relationship with Anne to go further, but it didn't. I would advise you to consult a psychiatrist or marriage guidance counsellor who shares the values I have outlined. Explore with him your ongoing feelings about Anne and your feelings towards your wife. More than that I can't suggest. It is this very feeling of guilt that Christianity offers an answer for, but if you are like many today, you will prefer the advice of a professional. You will realize by now that I believe you are a normal person with a sense of responsibility. Good for you. Doug.
                          Perhaps I should add as a rider that I am not necessarily in favour of
                          "telling all" to one's spouse. As someone said, it makes the erring
                          partner feel better, but it leaves the spouse with a feeling that their
                          partner can't be trusted. It may be appropriate to avoid that result. As
                          I said once before, there are no hard-and-fast rules. In the end it is a
                          matter of judgment. We can't avoid the responsibility of making decisions
                          like this. Paul's original post said that his wife already knew, and I
                          operated within those parameters.

                          Doug.
                          --
                          *** Number 178748389. Registered Linux User No. 277548.
                          Reach high, for stars lie hidden in your soul.
                          Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal.
                          - Unknown.

                          Comment

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