Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Problem with spouse's online activities

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Problem with spouse's online activities

    Honestly, I don't know what I want from this post. Maybe just a chance
    to vent, or to have someone say that it's ok for me to be upset.

    We've been married for 10 years and have 4 kids. Back when the 3rd
    child was a newborn, DH spent the majority of each day online,
    chatting with various women (he was unemployed and I was supporting
    us). Over the next two years, he had a "relationship" with I'd guess
    about 15 women.

    I know this because I got this hinky feeling early on and checked up
    on him. I'm not proud of myself. At one point, I'd just been pushed to
    my absolute limits and I walked out on him, leaving the kids there. I
    was gone for a month; I returned after he begged me to do so, and he
    promised that there would be no involvement with women on the
    internet.

    That was only 5 years ago. This Christmas, it'll be three years since
    he started getting back online constantly. It has gotten worse in the
    last year, to the point that each night when he comes home from work,
    he sits at the computer and doesn't get up until it's bedtime. He eats
    dinner at the computer as well.

    Last year, I found that he was chatting with some women again while
    playing a game. I'd say for a couple where there aren't trust issues,
    this wouldn't be a huge deal, but I was playing the same game and not
    chatting up my opponent nor adding them to my buddy list as he was
    doing. I know this is a matter of personal preference, but I felt like
    he was back to chatting with anonymous women because they're giving
    him some strokes he feels he doesn't get from me.

    I told him how angry I was about that and he stopped, but now he's
    started again. I'm at the point where I realize I've spent 5 years of
    the last 10 essentially being a single parent since he is rarely
    involved with the kids.

    I'm in counseling right now because of various issues, including the
    fact that I think it's best to leave because I spend so much of my
    time feeling horrible about my marriage and being horrified at the
    prospect of spending 20 or 30 more years like this. The problem is
    that I'm scared to take this on myself, but that's not the issue here.

    Any advice for dealing with this on a short-term basis? He doesn't
    react well to ultimatums (it would come down to him telling me to
    leave and take the kids, which I cannot do right now), and due to some
    health issues, I'm really not up for a knock-down-drag-out, which is
    what every arguement with him turns into.

    Thanks
    BG

  • #2
    Problem with spouse's online activities

    "Buttercup Glitter" <[email protected]> wrote in message
    news:[email protected] om...
    Honestly, I don't know what I want from this post. Maybe just a chance to vent, or to have someone say that it's ok for me to be upset. We've been married for 10 years and have 4 kids. Back when the 3rd child was a newborn, DH spent the majority of each day online, chatting with various women (he was unemployed and I was supporting us). Over the next two years, he had a "relationship" with I'd guess about 15 women.
    Sounds like he is not too happy with married life.
    I walked out on him, leaving the kids there. I was gone for a month;
    Bet it was great to be foot loose and fancy free for a month.
    That was only 5 years ago. This Christmas, it'll be three years since he started getting back online constantly. It has gotten worse in the last year, to the point that each night when he comes home from work, he sits at the computer and doesn't get up until it's bedtime. He eats dinner at the computer as well.
    Well, it is pretty obvious that he is not happy with the life he has. Have
    you talked about this with him in a non-accusing way? Is there anything you
    can do to make his life a little better so that he isn't so anxious to get
    out of reality the second he gets home?
    Last year, I found that he was chatting with some women again while playing a game. I'd say for a couple where there aren't trust issues, this wouldn't be a huge deal, but I was playing the same game and not chatting up my opponent nor adding them to my buddy list as he was doing. I know this is a matter of personal preference, but I felt like he was back to chatting with anonymous women because they're giving him some strokes he feels he doesn't get from me.
    Sounds like you need to be giving him those strokes, and he wouldn't be
    seeking it elsewhere. If you are aware of this problem, why haven't you
    fixed it yet?
    I told him how angry I was about that and he stopped, but now he's started again. I'm at the point where I realize I've spent 5 years of the last 10 essentially being a single parent since he is rarely involved with the kids.
    Ok, so he was willing to change his behavior to help things. What behavior
    were you willing to change to make life a little nicer for him so he doesn't
    feel compelled to do this?
    I'm in counseling right now because of various issues, including the fact that I think it's best to leave because I spend so much of my time feeling horrible about my marriage and being horrified at the prospect of spending 20 or 30 more years like this. The problem is that I'm scared to take this on myself, but that's not the issue here. Any advice for dealing with this on a short-term basis? He doesn't react well to ultimatums (it would come down to him telling me to leave and take the kids, which I cannot do right now), and due to some health issues, I'm really not up for a knock-down-drag-out, which is what every arguement with him turns into. Thanks BG
    You need to find out what the problem is and put every ounce of your effort
    into fixing it. As usual around here, most women are looking at the
    difficulty from a "me, me, me" perspective and fail to understand that they
    are probably causing the underlying problem. Forget about YOU for a minute
    and try to figure out just what you can do for your husband to make him
    happier.

    It works wonders.

    SD






    Comment


    • #3
      Problem with spouse's online activities

      ummmmm disconnect the internet.. would be my first suggestion...

      and joint counseling.. would be my second


      Kass


      "Buttercup Glitter" <[email protected]> wrote in message
      news:[email protected] om...
      Honestly, I don't know what I want from this post. Maybe just a chance to vent, or to have someone say that it's ok for me to be upset. We've been married for 10 years and have 4 kids. Back when the 3rd child was a newborn, DH spent the majority of each day online, chatting with various women (he was unemployed and I was supporting us). Over the next two years, he had a "relationship" with I'd guess about 15 women. I know this because I got this hinky feeling early on and checked up on him. I'm not proud of myself. At one point, I'd just been pushed to my absolute limits and I walked out on him, leaving the kids there. I was gone for a month; I returned after he begged me to do so, and he promised that there would be no involvement with women on the internet. That was only 5 years ago. This Christmas, it'll be three years since he started getting back online constantly. It has gotten worse in the last year, to the point that each night when he comes home from work, he sits at the computer and doesn't get up until it's bedtime. He eats dinner at the computer as well. Last year, I found that he was chatting with some women again while playing a game. I'd say for a couple where there aren't trust issues, this wouldn't be a huge deal, but I was playing the same game and not chatting up my opponent nor adding them to my buddy list as he was doing. I know this is a matter of personal preference, but I felt like he was back to chatting with anonymous women because they're giving him some strokes he feels he doesn't get from me. I told him how angry I was about that and he stopped, but now he's started again. I'm at the point where I realize I've spent 5 years of the last 10 essentially being a single parent since he is rarely involved with the kids. I'm in counseling right now because of various issues, including the fact that I think it's best to leave because I spend so much of my time feeling horrible about my marriage and being horrified at the prospect of spending 20 or 30 more years like this. The problem is that I'm scared to take this on myself, but that's not the issue here. Any advice for dealing with this on a short-term basis? He doesn't react well to ultimatums (it would come down to him telling me to leave and take the kids, which I cannot do right now), and due to some health issues, I'm really not up for a knock-down-drag-out, which is what every arguement with him turns into. Thanks BG

      Comment


      • #4
        Problem with spouse's online activities

        "Buttercup Glitter" <[email protected]> wrote in message
        news:[email protected] om...
        Tony Miller <[email protected]> wrote in message
        news:<[email protected]>...
        Have you made a decision to love him? (I asked that question very carefully). I don't know. Up until maybe about 7 months ago, I'd have said yes, absolutely. Now I feel like I keep putting myself out there and all he does is stomp around on me.
        it's pretty obvious he's not happy being married to you. You might want to
        start thinking about life without him.


        Comment


        • #5
          Problem with spouse's online activities

          On Thu, 23 Oct 2003 00:50:28 GMT, "JWB" <[email protected]>
          wrote:
          "Buttercup Glitter" <[email protected]> wrote in messagenews:[email protected] oogle.com...
          Tony Miller <[email protected]> wrote in message
          news:<[email protected]>...
          Have you made a decision to love him? (I asked that question very carefully). I don't know. Up until maybe about 7 months ago, I'd have said yes, absolutely. Now I feel like I keep putting myself out there and all he does is stomp around on me.
          it's pretty obvious he's not happy being married to you. You might want tostart thinking about life without him.
          Holy ****..when did you get back?

          --Brian

          Comment


          • #6
            Problem with spouse's online activities

            "Brian" <[email protected]> wrote in message
            news:[email protected]
            On Thu, 23 Oct 2003 00:50:28 GMT, "JWB" <[email protected]> wrote:
            "Buttercup Glitter" <[email protected]> wrote in messagenews:[email protected] oogle.com...
            Tony Miller <[email protected]> wrote in message
            news:<[email protected]>...
            > Have you made a decision to love him? (I asked that question very > carefully). I don't know. Up until maybe about 7 months ago, I'd have said yes, absolutely. Now I feel like I keep putting myself out there and all he does is stomp around on me.
            it's pretty obvious he's not happy being married to you. You might want
            to
            start thinking about life without him. Holy ****..when did you get back?
            Last week or so.

            You moved, right? Baby still on the way? Life is better, hopefully?

            JWB


            Comment


            • #7
              Problem with spouse's online activities

              "JWB" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:<[email protected]>...
              "Buttercup Glitter" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected] om...
              Tony Miller <[email protected]> wrote in message
              news:<[email protected]>...
              Have you made a decision to love him? (I asked that question very carefully). I don't know. Up until maybe about 7 months ago, I'd have said yes, absolutely. Now I feel like I keep putting myself out there and all he does is stomp around on me.
              it's pretty obvious he's not happy being married to you. You might want to start thinking about life without him.
              Who cares whether he's happy or not? Buttercup is the one that's
              posting. I'm more interested in knowing whether she's happy or not.
              Doesn't sound like it to me.

              jen

              Comment


              • #8
                Problem with spouse's online activities

                "Whisper" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:<ScClb.37967$A%[email protected]>...
                ummmmm disconnect the internet.. would be my first suggestion...
                I think this is a valid option, but the problem I have with it is that
                everyone in the family loses then. I use it to keep in touch with
                family and friends who live far away, I'm active on several groups,
                and since I only have a handful of friends in real life, being
                connected to these people is important to me. The kids also use the
                internet for homework and playing games. Everyone in the family
                shouldn't be punished for HIS actions.
                and joint counseling.. would be my second
                I suggested that a while back. He agreed to go, but did nothing about
                it. I decided at that point because he didn't mention it again, that I
                would put that idea on the back burner for the time being, and I'll
                explain why.

                Right now, I have the majority of the responsibility for the kids and
                housework. Beyond the usual school stuff, the kids also have some
                other things going on that required them to be in counseling. That was
                also 100% my responsibility. I got to the point where I pretty much
                refused to take on one more thing before I got help for myself. I've
                been in counseling for 5 months and feel like I'm making progress, but
                I still have a LONG way to go before I feel like I could possibly be
                truly involved in marriage counseling.

                I have a lot of anger built up over the way that H has acted over the
                years. I'm angry about the way that he shuts himself off from me and
                I'm angry about how he feels no compunction about telling me what an
                awful person I am. I'm angry that he acts as if he could take or leave
                me, and I'm angry that it seems to me like he doesn't appreciate
                anything I do because he's so focused on the things I don't do. I'm
                angry that I can't even express this anger to him because he turns
                every argument around so everything that's wrong with our lives is
                *my* fault.

                I know that it's not healthy to carry around this much anger and that
                it would get in the way of making any long-lasting changes in our
                relationship.

                I'm aware that part of the reason I didn't take the initiative to
                arrange joint counseling is passive-aggressive. For once, I would like
                to feel like this is important to him. The only times that he's made
                me feel like our relationship was anything but a burden have been when
                we were first dating and when he was begging me to come back to him
                after I left. Otherwise, I get the feeling that he simply tolerates me
                because I can look after the children, clean the house and cook his
                meals.

                I know that was a longer answer than you expected, but I hope it helps
                clear up why we're not in counseling together at the moment.


                BG

                Comment


                • #9
                  Problem with spouse's online activities

                  Buttercup Glitter <[email protected]> wrote:
                  ummmmm disconnect the internet.. would be my first suggestion... I think this is a valid option, but the problem I have with it is that everyone in the family loses then.
                  <...>
                  Everyone in the family shouldn't be punished for HIS actions.
                  So put passwords on the machine. Don't give him one. It's not hard.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Problem with spouse's online activities

                    Can you move the computer into a more Public location.. say the family room
                    or dining room.. so there is nor real "privacy" with it.. that way everyone
                    is around to see what anyone is doing on the PC.. and maybe all of you agree
                    to a time limit of how long each person can spend?

                    I do know how it feels to have a husband who doesn't seem to give a ****
                    about you.. my X was that way.. he was addicted to the PC.. but had other
                    problems..that ended up in the same result. he also was verbally abusive..
                    (and it sounds like your hubby is too)...

                    You need to decide what is best for you and for the kids..and go with that..
                    and not worry about what he wants.. doesn't want.. live for you and the
                    kids.. and maybe he will come along..and maybe he wont..

                    You will know what is right.. when the time is right.. when you feel you
                    have done everything in your power to make it work..and its still not
                    working...but again.. that point is different for everyone...it took me
                    several years to reach that point.. ( we were married for 14 years)..

                    Kass


                    "Buttercup Glitter" <[email protected]> wrote in message
                    news:[email protected] om...
                    "Whisper" <[email protected]> wrote in message
                    news:<ScClb.37967$A%[email protected]>...
                    ummmmm disconnect the internet.. would be my first suggestion... I think this is a valid option, but the problem I have with it is that everyone in the family loses then. I use it to keep in touch with family and friends who live far away, I'm active on several groups, and since I only have a handful of friends in real life, being connected to these people is important to me. The kids also use the internet for homework and playing games. Everyone in the family shouldn't be punished for HIS actions.
                    and joint counseling.. would be my second
                    I suggested that a while back. He agreed to go, but did nothing about it. I decided at that point because he didn't mention it again, that I would put that idea on the back burner for the time being, and I'll explain why. Right now, I have the majority of the responsibility for the kids and housework. Beyond the usual school stuff, the kids also have some other things going on that required them to be in counseling. That was also 100% my responsibility. I got to the point where I pretty much refused to take on one more thing before I got help for myself. I've been in counseling for 5 months and feel like I'm making progress, but I still have a LONG way to go before I feel like I could possibly be truly involved in marriage counseling. I have a lot of anger built up over the way that H has acted over the years. I'm angry about the way that he shuts himself off from me and I'm angry about how he feels no compunction about telling me what an awful person I am. I'm angry that he acts as if he could take or leave me, and I'm angry that it seems to me like he doesn't appreciate anything I do because he's so focused on the things I don't do. I'm angry that I can't even express this anger to him because he turns every argument around so everything that's wrong with our lives is *my* fault. I know that it's not healthy to carry around this much anger and that it would get in the way of making any long-lasting changes in our relationship. I'm aware that part of the reason I didn't take the initiative to arrange joint counseling is passive-aggressive. For once, I would like to feel like this is important to him. The only times that he's made me feel like our relationship was anything but a burden have been when we were first dating and when he was begging me to come back to him after I left. Otherwise, I get the feeling that he simply tolerates me because I can look after the children, clean the house and cook his meals. I know that was a longer answer than you expected, but I hope it helps clear up why we're not in counseling together at the moment. BG

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Problem with spouse's online activities

                      [email protected] (Buttercup Glitter) writes:
                      "Whisper" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:<ScClb.37967$A%[email protected]>...
                      ummmmm disconnect the internet.. would be my first suggestion...
                      I think this is a valid option, but the problem I have with it is that everyone in the family loses then. I use it to keep in touch with family and friends who live far away, I'm active on several groups, and since I only have a handful of friends in real life, being connected to these people is important to me. The kids also use the internet for homework and playing games. Everyone in the family shouldn't be punished for HIS actions.
                      and joint counseling.. would be my second
                      I suggested that a while back. He agreed to go, but did nothing about it. I decided at that point because he didn't mention it again, that I would put that idea on the back burner for the time being, and I'll explain why. Right now, I have the majority of the responsibility for the kids and housework. Beyond the usual school stuff, the kids also have some other things going on that required them to be in counseling. That was also 100% my responsibility. I got to the point where I pretty much refused to take on one more thing before I got help for myself. I've been in counseling for 5 months and feel like I'm making progress, but I still have a LONG way to go before I feel like I could possibly be truly involved in marriage counseling. I have a lot of anger built up over the way that H has acted over the years. I'm angry about the way that he shuts himself off from me and I'm angry about how he feels no compunction about telling me what an awful person I am. I'm angry that he acts as if he could take or leave me, and I'm angry that it seems to me like he doesn't appreciate anything I do because he's so focused on the things I don't do. I'm angry that I can't even express this anger to him because he turns every argument around so everything that's wrong with our lives is *my* fault. I know that it's not healthy to carry around this much anger and that it would get in the way of making any long-lasting changes in our relationship. I'm aware that part of the reason I didn't take the initiative to arrange joint counseling is passive-aggressive. For once, I would like to feel like this is important to him. The only times that he's made me feel like our relationship was anything but a burden have been when we were first dating and when he was begging me to come back to him after I left. Otherwise, I get the feeling that he simply tolerates me because I can look after the children, clean the house and cook his meals. I know that was a longer answer than you expected, but I hope it helps clear up why we're not in counseling together at the moment.
                      An interesting post. It clears up a lot of things. You are carrying
                      a cargo van's worth of baggage in anger and resentment toward your
                      husband.

                      Quite possibly, he is walking around with a cargo van containing his
                      own list of grievances.

                      You think the problems are his fault - he thinks they are your fault.

                      His on-line activities sound like the tip of a rather large iceberg.
                      There is probably no point in trying to deal with that particular tip,
                      unless you are both ready to work on the whole iceberg of hostility,
                      anger and resentment that you've built with each other.

                      Kudos to you for getting counseling for yourself. If you feel
                      interested in making your marriage into something decent, consider
                      _not_ waiting until you are perfect before working on your marriage.

                      What does your therapist say about your unhappy marital situation and
                      all the anger you are carrying around toward your husband?

                      Doug "meta4s are us"

                      BG

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Problem with spouse's online activities

                        "shinypenny" <[email protected]> wrote in message
                        news:[email protected] om...
                        "JWB" <[email protected]> wrote in message
                        news:<[email protected]>...
                        "Buttercup Glitter" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected] om...
                        Tony Miller <[email protected]> wrote in message
                        news:<[email protected]>...
                        > Have you made a decision to love him? (I asked that question very > carefully). I don't know. Up until maybe about 7 months ago, I'd have said yes, absolutely. Now I feel like I keep putting myself out there and all he does is stomp around on me.
                        it's pretty obvious he's not happy being married to you. You might want
                        to
                        start thinking about life without him. Who cares whether he's happy or not? Buttercup is the one that's posting. I'm more interested in knowing whether she's happy or not. Doesn't sound like it to me.
                        and that's just what I'm doing - giving advice to Buttercup.

                        It's evident that he doesn't give a **** about her feelings. Obviously, she
                        isn't happy about that, or she wouldn't have posted. I think this is a lost
                        cause, given his behavior and lack of caring about her feelings. Hence me
                        telling her to think about life without him.

                        JWB


                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Problem with spouse's online activities

                          [email protected] (Marcus Ulpius Traianus) wrote in message news:<[email protected]>...
                          Buttercup Glitter <[email protected]> wrote:
                          ummmmm disconnect the internet.. would be my first suggestion... I think this is a valid option, but the problem I have with it is that everyone in the family loses then.
                          <...>
                          Everyone in the family shouldn't be punished for HIS actions.
                          So put passwords on the machine. Don't give him one. It's not hard.
                          I don't see it as that easy. Sounds to me like her husband has an
                          addiction. If he was an alcoholic, I wouldn't suggest to her that it
                          was her responsibility to keep the liquor cabinet locked up. If he
                          asked for her help keeping him away from temptation, that's one thing.
                          But enforcing it on him without his cooperation is another thing.

                          Addictions are hard to break. If her husband wanted to try but was
                          having trouble sticking to his promise, then I would encourage
                          Buttercup to stay in the marriage and help him work through his
                          problems. But it doesn't sound like he thinks he has a problem, and
                          realizes it's affecting their marriage. On the contrary, he sounds
                          defiant about the whole thing.

                          jen

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Problem with spouse's online activities

                            shinypenny <[email protected]> wrote:
                            [email protected] (Marcus Ulpius Traianus) wrote:
                            Buttercup Glitter <[email protected]> wrote:
                            I think this is a valid option, but the problem I have with it is that everyone in the family loses then.
                            <...>
                            Everyone in the family shouldn't be punished for HIS actions.
                            So put passwords on the machine. Don't give him one. It's not hard.
                            I don't see it as that easy. Sounds to me like her husband has an addiction.
                            <...>
                            problems. But it doesn't sound like he thinks he has a problem, and realizes it's affecting their marriage. On the contrary, he sounds defiant about the whole thing.
                            <McCoy imitation>
                            ****it Jim, I'm an engineer, not a therapist!
                            </McCoy imitation>

                            Seriously, though, you may very well be right -- but if he's willing to try
                            to change it, it's not something one can banish from the house entirely, and
                            putting a password on might help -- depending on how technically adept he is
                            and how much he looks at it as "his machine."

                            He may or may not have the sort of job where he can do all of the same stuff
                            at work, of course... if he does, then locking up the machine at home just
                            moves the problem out of the house to somewhere it's not visible.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Problem with spouse's online activities

                              "Whisper" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:<4LTlb.37978$A%[email protected]>...


                              Kass, I'm sorry I didn't respond to this sooner. Google wasn't letting
                              me post on Friday and I can't do it over the weekends.

                              Can you move the computer into a more Public location.. say the family room or dining room.
                              I can't, because our dining room is the office right now. The family
                              room has no room for it, and the living room is just as bad as the
                              office as far as being shut off from everyone.
                              and maybe all of you agree to a time limit of how long each person can spend?
                              Funny thing is that he suggested time limits a while back and promptly
                              ignored his own suggestion.
                              I do know how it feels to have a husband who doesn't seem to give a **** about you.. my X was that way.. he was addicted to the PC.. but had other problems..that ended up in the same result. he also was verbally abusive.. (and it sounds like your hubby is too)...
                              I've been doing a lot of reading and believe that, too. He seems to
                              have a lot of traits of borderline personality disorder. The good
                              thing is that I've joined a couple of online support groups and, while
                              it's exceedingly painful to face this, I feel better and more
                              optimistic for facing it.
                              You will know what is right.. when the time is right.. when you feel you have done everything in your power to make it work..and its still not working...but again.. that point is different for everyone...it took me several years to reach that point.. ( we were married for 14 years)..
                              I believe I'm at that point. I'm slowly facing some of the awful
                              things he's done for what they were, rather than trying to make
                              excuses for him. I have a feeling this is going to get worse before it
                              gets better, but at least I have a small feeling that it IS going to
                              get better if I continue on this path.

                              Thanks,
                              BG

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X