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  • #16
    Trial separation? Need advice...

    Herr Taurus <[email protected]> writes:
    On Wed, 25 Jun 2003 21:43:02 -0500, "Shashay Doofray" <[email protected]> wrote:
    Quit trying to change him. After all, wasn't he like this when youfell in love and married him?
    You didn't wait for her ANSWER!
    You'll notice some posters aren't big on waiting for answers! Answers
    can interfere with their preconceived idea of how simple the world is.

    Comment


    • #17
      Trial separation? Need advice...

      On Thu, 26 Jun 2003 04:09:14 GMT, Nance <[email protected]> wrote:
      On Wed, 25 Jun 2003 23:12:52 -0400, Herr Taurus<[email protected]> wrote:
      That's the PAST! Don't make excuses for the present by bringing upthe PAST! That was then...this is now. And, besides...there's many amarriage that started out like yours...and has lasted 50 years andlonger.
      Yeah, my paternal grandparents had one like that. He beat the crap outof her and the male children and molested the female children. Gottalove those enforced, stay together, forget past transgressions type ofmarriages.
      What makes you think her marriage is like that, Nance?
      Generally, what starts out as ****, ends up as ****.
      Most people don't eat ****. Most eat food...and then it ends up as
      ****.

      The same analogy can often be applied to a marriage.
      The fact of the matter is, she has grown up, he hasn't. If he'sunhappy, it's not her job to make him happy.
      Unless she applied for the job, of course. And maybe she feels she
      HAS. Maybe she feels that's what the marriage vows hinted at.
      If he is unhappy, that'sno crime. Get out. Move on. God bless.
      You sure you didn't mean to post this to alt.divorce?! lol Without
      checking, it almost sounds like yer postin' to both groups.
      Taking his unhappiness out on her, because he doesn't have the ballsto move on, could become a crime. That would be sad. And, if shestayed around that long, she'd be a dumbass.Nance
      Its obvious you have issues, Nance. You should try to be more
      objective in your replies. Your issues aren't always the issues of
      others.


      Gus

      If your parents never had any kids, chances are you won't either!

      Comment


      • #18
        Trial separation? Need advice...

        On Thu, 26 Jun 2003 04:14:45 GMT, Nance <[email protected]> wrote:
        On 25 Jun 2003 20:38:20 -0700, [email protected] (Manna) wrote:
        My husband won't go to counseling. I asked already. His opinion of counseling is this, "why should I pay someone else totell me how to fix something when I could do the same thing myself forfree if I wanted to badly enough?"
        You have got to be kidding me.The man has basically told you if you were important enough to him,he'd make the requested changes on his own. No. Not basically. If theabove quote is true, he's out and out told you.You don't matter to him from what you've posted above. Why are youstill there? Do you enjoy being abused?Nance
        What he really said was 'pay'.

        And neither you nor I know what he really meant.

        I've found most psychologists to be quacks...and I whole-heartedly
        agree with his statement. Most bartenders are more qualified than
        most psychologists.

        Notice I said 'most'.


        Gus

        If your parents never had any kids, chances are you won't either!

        Comment


        • #19
          Trial separation? Need advice...

          On Thu, 26 Jun 2003 15:04:54 GMT, Doug Anderson
          <[email protected]> wrote:
          Herr Taurus <[email protected]> writes:
          On Wed, 25 Jun 2003 21:43:02 -0500, "Shashay Doofray" <[email protected]> wrote:
          Quit trying to change him. After all, wasn't he like this when youfell in love and married him?
          You didn't wait for her ANSWER!
          You'll notice some posters aren't big on waiting for answers! Answerscan interfere with their preconceived idea of how simple the world is.



          Gus

          If your parents never had any kids, chances are you won't either!

          Comment


          • #20
            Trial separation? Need advice...

            Manna <[email protected]> wrote:
            I brought up the subject last night - wasn't he tired of being miserable? Our marriage is failing, and it hasn't gotten any better for five years. I told him I was tired of trying. Of course he says "I want to be a better person, start going to church, etc"... but I'm so tired.
            This marriage has some pretty severe problems, the bad temper being the
            worst. If you don't really want to save it, it doesn't look good. I
            don't know that I want to live with someone who had that kind of anger
            problem. What's he doing about it?

            Comment


            • #21
              Trial separation? Need advice...

              THAT SCREAMS OF AN ABUSER!!!!

              They start by yelling.. then throwing..and it can ( and usually does
              escalate to physical violence)

              You and your children will be much better off with out him!!!

              Kass
              "Manna" <[email protected]> wrote in message
              news:[email protected] om...
              I am confused a little, maybe you can help me. You say that his temper is ridiculous. Then for some reason you bring up a fictitious drawing by your son that refers to "you crying after his dad hit you". But then you continue and say that he never hit you. Then what is the relevance of the drawing? Sorry if I wasn't very clear. I posted that very quickly (at work) earlier today.. and I was pretty emotional at the time. LOL Yeah.. he has an awful temper and has on occasion thrown things at me (or just at the walls), punched holes in things, or pushed me.
              The arguing in front of children, who starts it? You or him?
              We're probably both guilty of this.
              When he pushed you, did he do it because you did not let him leave the room where you were arguing?
              No, he came over and pushed me down because I got the baby out of the crib and he (the baby) pushed some buttons and changed the settings on his guitar while he was playing it. (I was trying to eat dinner at the time and figured he could watch the child for a few minutes). Thanks!

              Comment


              • #22
                Trial separation? Need advice...

                On 26 Jun 2003 07:43:01 -0700, [email protected] (Manna) wrote:
                Anyway, thanks for the advice everyone. Husband and I sat down andtalked about it last night and decided the best thing for the kidswould be for him to go. If once we're apart we decide to try to"start over" from the beginning (dating again after a few monthshiatus) - fine. If not, then that's fine too. We can still be goodparents to our children individually without having to be involved ina relationship with each other.
                Good for you!

                nance

                Comment


                • #23
                  Trial separation? Need advice...


                  "Herr Taurus" <[email protected]> wrote in message
                  news:[email protected]
                  On Thu, 26 Jun 2003 03:58:53 GMT, Nance <[email protected]> wrote:
                  On Wed, 25 Jun 2003 23:12:52 -0400, Herr Taurus<[email protected]> wrote:
                  I, too, don't see the meaning behind your story. It sounds like yourson is making up stories in his head. It doesn't sound like yourhusband is physically abusive.
                  Actually, it seems to me that the child has seen some ****. Thechild's perception of the **** appears to be different than themother's perception of the ****.The mother doesn't appear to think the pushing is a big deal. Thechild, having witnessed the pushing and the mother's crying reactionto it, feels it's a very big deal.
                  Exactly my point. He's seeing it from a child's eyes...and has already turned the '****' into 'hitting' in his mind. He has no concept of the therapeutic value of arguing. And, of course, there was no hitting.
                  Well, the pushing that she describes in another posts sounds like real ****
                  to me. Hit, mash into the floor, it's all semantics. You can be your sweet
                  bippy if someone did physically manipulative things to me - whether or not
                  they left marks - his *** would be out the door.
                  Personally, I think parents who subject their children to this kind ofcrap deserve a very special place in hell. I'm not sure what you mean. They live in a family unit...a house. And most arguments are spontaneous. It'd be difficult to separate the kid from that kind of spontaneous happening.
                  Children should not be subjected to parents physically hurting each other.
                  I get the impression this has hit on a sore spot for you. I don't condone physical abuse...but I don't think that is the case here.
                  Why not? Where is your line?
                  Gus If your parents never had any kids, chances are you won't either!

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Trial separation? Need advice...

                    Shashay Doofray wrote:
                    He isn't you - and he never will be. Either LOVE THE MAN YOU MARRIED, without trying to change who he is - or resenting him because he still enjoys the good life, or find a husband that wants the same things that you do. Quit trying to change him. After all, wasn't he like this when you fell in love and married him? Well then, live with it or get out.
                    But you ignored the stated fact he was not abusive before marriage.

                    You have only excluded trying to make the marriage safe again? Is this
                    not possible IYO, or do you believe that is it wrong to challenge a man's
                    right to physically intimidate his wife during arguments?
                    --
                    Tsam

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Trial separation? Need advice...

                      Tsam Nami wrote:
                      Shashay Doofray wrote:
                      He isn't you - and he never will be. Either LOVE THE MAN YOU MARRIED, without trying to change who he is - or resenting him because he still enjoys the good life, or find a husband that wants the same things that you do. Quit trying to change him. After all, wasn't he like this when you fell in love and married him? Well then, live with it or get out.
                      I would really like to know how many wives *truly* subscribe to this
                      philosophy. Honestly and truly - and walk the talk. (I'm sorry, but I'll
                      believe it when I see it).


                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Trial separation? Need advice...

                        Bill wrote:
                        Tsam Nami wrote:
                        Shashay Doofray wrote:
                        He isn't you - and he never will be. Either LOVE THE MAN YOU MARRIED, without trying to change who he is - or resenting him because he still enjoys the good life, or find a husband that wants the same things that you do. Quit trying to change him. After all, wasn't he like this when you fell in love and married him? Well then, live with it or get out.
                        I would really like to know how many wives *truly* subscribe to this philosophy. Honestly and truly - and walk the talk. (I'm sorry, but I'll believe it when I see it).
                        Nobody has come forth? Aha! :-)


                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Trial separation? Need advice...

                          Bill wrote:
                          Bill wrote:
                          Tsam Nami wrote:
                          Shashay Doofray wrote:>> He isn't you - and he never will be. Either LOVE THE MAN YOU MARRIED,> without trying to change who he is - or resenting him because he still> enjoys the good life, or find a husband that wants the same things that
                          you
                          > do. Quit trying to change him. After all, wasn't he like this when you> fell in love and married him? Well then, live with it or get out. I would really like to know how many wives *truly* subscribe to this philosophy. Honestly and truly - and walk the talk. (I'm sorry, but
                          I'll
                          believe it when I see it). Nobody has come forth? Aha! :-)
                          Well y'all, I have to say I'm slightly surprised by the response, or lack
                          thereof. I thought at least ONE person in here would take me to task and
                          disagree with this observation.


                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Trial separation? Need advice...

                            "Bill" <[email protected]> writes:
                            Well y'all, I have to say I'm slightly surprised by the response, or lack thereof. I thought at least ONE person in here would take me to task and disagree with this observation.
                            It's been a slow day on ASM, so I don't know if the fact that no one
                            has responded is very significant.

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              Trial separation? Need advice...


                              "Bill" <[email protected]> wrote in message
                              news:[email protected] rthlink.net...
                              Tsam Nami wrote:
                              Shashay Doofray wrote:
                              He isn't you - and he never will be. Either LOVE THE MAN YOU MARRIED, without trying to change who he is - or resenting him because he still enjoys the good life, or find a husband that wants the same things that
                              you
                              do. Quit trying to change him. After all, wasn't he like this when
                              you
                              fell in love and married him? Well then, live with it or get out. I would really like to know how many wives *truly* subscribe to this philosophy. Honestly and truly - and walk the talk. (I'm sorry, but
                              I'll
                              believe it when I see it).
                              Or how many husbands. People change. You have to be willing and committed to
                              changing together, not staying still. The former is workable, the latter
                              impossible.

                              S


                              Comment


                              • #30
                                Trial separation? Need advice...


                                "Bill" <[email protected]> wrote in message
                                news:[email protected] rthlink.net...
                                Bill wrote:
                                Bill wrote:
                                Tsam Nami wrote:> Shashay Doofray wrote:>>>> He isn't you - and he never will be. Either LOVE THE MAN YOU
                                MARRIED,
                                >> without trying to change who he is - or resenting him because he
                                still
                                >> enjoys the good life, or find a husband that wants the same things
                                that
                                you
                                >> do. Quit trying to change him. After all, wasn't he like this when
                                you
                                >> fell in love and married him? Well then, live with it or get out. I would really like to know how many wives *truly* subscribe to this philosophy. Honestly and truly - and walk the talk. (I'm sorry,
                                but
                                I'll
                                believe it when I see it). Nobody has come forth? Aha! :-)
                                Well y'all, I have to say I'm slightly surprised by the response, or lack thereof. I thought at least ONE person in here would take me to task and disagree with this observation.
                                You just wait a minute... and you will see my post.

                                S


                                Comment

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