LilMtnCbn
03-14-2004, 07:20 AM
http://www.nynewsday.com/news/local/newyork/columnists/ny-duggan3705381mar
14,0,1350051.column?coll=ny-ny-columnists
A mother's search for her birth mother
Dennis Duggan
March 14, 2004
Reneé Aiken, a veteran New York City correction officer, who lives in Hollis
with her husband Anthony Johnson and their son, found her birth mother but
writes to tell me that "she still does not want anything to do with me."
I read her passionate letter and then talked to Aiken, 44, who is planning to
retire from the Correction Department in May after a 20-year career. She said
she wants adopted children in search of their birth parents to keep on the
"journey" because, no matter how it ends, there is satisfaction in closure.
"Now I can tell my son who his grandmother is and now I also have an extended
family because the biggest surprise was finding that I also had a brother and a
sister, and so my son has an aunt and an uncle."
Aiken wrote in response to a recent story in Newsday about an Irish-born
adoptee who embarked on a similar journey - trying to find his birth mother. It
is a journey fraught with perils - the possible alienation of adoptive parents,
rejection by the birth mother are just two - but we all want to know when and
how our lives began.
Aiken says her curiosity was ignited by her pregnancy. "I was lying in the
hospital, and I could feel my baby inside me and I thought to myself, why would
anyone want to give up their own flesh and blood?"
She says she had been adopted at birth by a couple from Jamaica, Queens - "two
beautiful people" - and was told she had been adopted. "I had a good home and
all the morals and values I live by came from my adoptive parents."
Her parents worked for the city - her mother was senior custodial officer at
Queens College and, when she died in 1981, the school's flag was lowered to
half-staff in tribute. Aiken says her mother was the first black employee to be
given that honor. Her father worked for the Sanitation Department for a quarter
of a century and, after he retired, as a bank guard. He died in 1990.
She had always had some curiosity about her birth parents - she still doesn't
know who her biological father is - but it was the birth of her son, Anthony
Christion, now 2, that prompted her to begin a serious search, talking first to
an aunt who she had been told was a link to her birth mother, and then using
the Internet.
But Aiken says there were false starts, hopes raised and disappointments along
the way. "My aunt told me she wouldn't be able to help me. 'I can't do it,' she
told me."
But the aunt relented, telling Aiken her mother was married and living in
Brooklyn.
"My husband was very supportive and when I told him I had an address, he said,
'No more phone calls.' He and my son and I drove to Brooklyn and I rang the
bell.
"A gentleman answered and asked if he could help.
Aiken asked for her mother, using her first name only.
"He told me she wasn't there, and since I had no idea who he was I told him I
would wait."
The Aiken family sat in their car for several hours outside the home until
Aiken decided to try one more time. "I know this will be a shock but I am a
relative," she told the man.
"Wait, are you her daughter?" he asked.
"I told him I was, and he seemed relieved. 'I've been trying to convince my
wife to meet with you, and do you know that you have a sister and a brother?'"
Aiken says, "I was floored" by that. "Then he said he would call and he kept
his word. A week later, we had a family reunion in a Brooklyn restaurant - my
mother, my sister, who lives in Boston, my brother, who is a lawyer here in
Manhattan, my son and my husband.
"My mother sat in a corner and was very quiet," Aiken says. "When I looked at
her, it was like looking in a mirror. I bonded with my sister right away and we
talked and hugged, and now we are close friends. My brother was reserved and he
has told me that until our mother accepts me he can't be a friend."
But Aiken says her journey was a success even with all these setbacks.
"I have a sister who I love, my son has an aunt, and I am at peace," she says.
"I count my blessings and I know that God gives me what he wants to give.
"My son is a beautiful child. He wakes up each morning with a smile on his
face.
"I still don't have my mother back - maybe that will happen later on, but it's
her loss, not mine.
"I read your story about that man looking for his Irish mother, and I was moved
by it and so that's why I am talking to you.
"Tell him never to give up and to stay strong. Good for his wife urging him to
keep searching and tell him, please, that whatever the outcome, it's better to
know than to remain in the dark."
-------------------------
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail . . . but, a true friend will
be sitting next to you saying, "Damn . . . that was fun!"
-----Unknown
14,0,1350051.column?coll=ny-ny-columnists
A mother's search for her birth mother
Dennis Duggan
March 14, 2004
Reneé Aiken, a veteran New York City correction officer, who lives in Hollis
with her husband Anthony Johnson and their son, found her birth mother but
writes to tell me that "she still does not want anything to do with me."
I read her passionate letter and then talked to Aiken, 44, who is planning to
retire from the Correction Department in May after a 20-year career. She said
she wants adopted children in search of their birth parents to keep on the
"journey" because, no matter how it ends, there is satisfaction in closure.
"Now I can tell my son who his grandmother is and now I also have an extended
family because the biggest surprise was finding that I also had a brother and a
sister, and so my son has an aunt and an uncle."
Aiken wrote in response to a recent story in Newsday about an Irish-born
adoptee who embarked on a similar journey - trying to find his birth mother. It
is a journey fraught with perils - the possible alienation of adoptive parents,
rejection by the birth mother are just two - but we all want to know when and
how our lives began.
Aiken says her curiosity was ignited by her pregnancy. "I was lying in the
hospital, and I could feel my baby inside me and I thought to myself, why would
anyone want to give up their own flesh and blood?"
She says she had been adopted at birth by a couple from Jamaica, Queens - "two
beautiful people" - and was told she had been adopted. "I had a good home and
all the morals and values I live by came from my adoptive parents."
Her parents worked for the city - her mother was senior custodial officer at
Queens College and, when she died in 1981, the school's flag was lowered to
half-staff in tribute. Aiken says her mother was the first black employee to be
given that honor. Her father worked for the Sanitation Department for a quarter
of a century and, after he retired, as a bank guard. He died in 1990.
She had always had some curiosity about her birth parents - she still doesn't
know who her biological father is - but it was the birth of her son, Anthony
Christion, now 2, that prompted her to begin a serious search, talking first to
an aunt who she had been told was a link to her birth mother, and then using
the Internet.
But Aiken says there were false starts, hopes raised and disappointments along
the way. "My aunt told me she wouldn't be able to help me. 'I can't do it,' she
told me."
But the aunt relented, telling Aiken her mother was married and living in
Brooklyn.
"My husband was very supportive and when I told him I had an address, he said,
'No more phone calls.' He and my son and I drove to Brooklyn and I rang the
bell.
"A gentleman answered and asked if he could help.
Aiken asked for her mother, using her first name only.
"He told me she wasn't there, and since I had no idea who he was I told him I
would wait."
The Aiken family sat in their car for several hours outside the home until
Aiken decided to try one more time. "I know this will be a shock but I am a
relative," she told the man.
"Wait, are you her daughter?" he asked.
"I told him I was, and he seemed relieved. 'I've been trying to convince my
wife to meet with you, and do you know that you have a sister and a brother?'"
Aiken says, "I was floored" by that. "Then he said he would call and he kept
his word. A week later, we had a family reunion in a Brooklyn restaurant - my
mother, my sister, who lives in Boston, my brother, who is a lawyer here in
Manhattan, my son and my husband.
"My mother sat in a corner and was very quiet," Aiken says. "When I looked at
her, it was like looking in a mirror. I bonded with my sister right away and we
talked and hugged, and now we are close friends. My brother was reserved and he
has told me that until our mother accepts me he can't be a friend."
But Aiken says her journey was a success even with all these setbacks.
"I have a sister who I love, my son has an aunt, and I am at peace," she says.
"I count my blessings and I know that God gives me what he wants to give.
"My son is a beautiful child. He wakes up each morning with a smile on his
face.
"I still don't have my mother back - maybe that will happen later on, but it's
her loss, not mine.
"I read your story about that man looking for his Irish mother, and I was moved
by it and so that's why I am talking to you.
"Tell him never to give up and to stay strong. Good for his wife urging him to
keep searching and tell him, please, that whatever the outcome, it's better to
know than to remain in the dark."
-------------------------
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail . . . but, a true friend will
be sitting next to you saying, "Damn . . . that was fun!"
-----Unknown
