we'll me and my ex-girlfriend separated from living together so she told me verbally that i can have full custody of our son and she gave me all of his stuff and its still at my parents house,(also have a notarized letter by a bank with both signatures for proof that says she will give me full custody) so me and my son moved into my parents house. which was in November of 2005.well I take care of my son while she doesn't even try to communicate with him or anything,she doesn't give child support what so ever.she only gets him when its convienant for her. she lives in a bad side of town with a part time 2 day out of the week job and living with a bf that i have had problems with before,theres no telling what he would do to my son because of anger threw me. and when i ask her about full custody she says no. now before it was a yes.so im pretty much a single dad with no outside life :D . i need advice to see if i can win this case,do i have enough to do it.

Good question. Not to sure here. I would definetly talk to a attorney about this one. First 30 minutes is free, there after or until you sign with him, it will start to cost you. Let him give you a couple of pointers. Remember its free advice.

Hope it works out.

-Justin
-Central Illinois

we'll me and my ex-girlfriend separated from living together so she told me verbally that i can have full custody of our son and she gave me all of his stuff and its still at my parents house,(also have a notarized letter by a bank with both signatures for proof that says she will give me full custody) so me and my son moved into my parents house. which was in November of 2005.well I take care of my son while she doesn't even try to communicate with him or anything,she doesn't give child support what so ever.she only gets him when its convienant for her. she lives in a bad side of town with a part time 2 day out of the week job and living with a bf that i have had problems with before,theres no telling what he would do to my son because of anger threw me. and when i ask her about full custody she says no. now before it was a yes.so im pretty much a single dad with no outside life :D . i need advice to see if i can win this case,do i have enough to do it.
The notarized letter isn't worth the paper it's printed on. The court will not recognize it as a legally binding agreement.

You will have to go through the court. Are you even the child's LEGAL father at this point? Did you sign an affidavit of paternity or did the court order that a DNA test be done? Signing the birth certificate does NOT make you the child's LEGAL parent.

First step is to make sure that paternity is legally established. Then you will need to file with the court for custody. If it were me, I would ask for emergency custody until the case goes to court.

The odds of getting SOLE custody are not very good unless mom agrees to it or you can PROVE that mom is unfit to take care of the child. Chances are, you will end up with JOINT custody if mom contests.

The notarized letter isn't worth the paper it's printed on. The court will not recognize it as a legally binding agreement.

You will have to go through the court. Are you even the child's LEGAL father at this point? Did you sign an affidavit of paternity or did the court order that a DNA test be done? Signing the birth certificate does NOT make you the child's LEGAL parent.

First step is to make sure that paternity is legally established. Then you will need to file with the court for custody. If it were me, I would ask for emergency custody until the case goes to court.

The odds of getting SOLE custody are not very good unless mom agrees to it or you can PROVE that mom is unfit to take care of the child. Chances are, you will end up with JOINT custody if mom contests.


i know the notary paper isnt worth anything its jus proof that she was willing to do it. and my son stays with me he hasnt been her in about 3weeks,no calls no anything i have to provide everything for him.to me when u give all of your son's belongings to there father that should be telling you something. and i will do that paternity test also.

why would u think it will become joint custody when theres proof that she doesnt want him?even her own parents know this,in 6 months of him staying with me he's been with her a total of 5 times and most of those were 1 day deals and her mom calling to see him

Because she is the mother...and she still has rights. Just like you, if not more.

Just a heads up.

Good luck!!!!

-Justin
-Central Illinois

i know the notary paper isnt worth anything its jus proof that she was willing to do it. and my son stays with me he hasnt been her in about 3weeks,no calls no anything i have to provide everything for him.to me when u give all of your son's belongings to there father that should be telling you something. and i will do that paternity test also.

why would u think it will become joint custody when theres proof that she doesnt want him?even her own parents know this,in 6 months of him staying with me he's been with her a total of 5 times and most of those were 1 day deals and her mom calling to see him

At this point mom is the ONLY one with any rights to the child. When you file for custody, more then likely she will want the child back. If it comes to the point that you both go to court saying "I want custody", you are both going to be given the same rights. If one of you can PROVE that sole custody is in the child's best interest, you may be granted sole custody. But you will need SOLID TANGIBLE PROOF that mom is not fit to have any say in the child's upbringing.

At this point mom is the ONLY one with any rights to the child. When you file for custody, more then likely she will want the child back. If it comes to the point that you both go to court saying "I want custody", you are both going to be given the same rights. If one of you can PROVE that sole custody is in the child's best interest, you may be granted sole custody. But you will need SOLID TANGIBLE PROOF that mom is not fit to have any say in the child's upbringing.


what if i have a lawyer and she doesnt then what

you do have enough evidence to provide a very strong case. i would go to court in a heartbeat to gain full custody if i were you. your ex sounds like she needs some help. good luck

what if i have a lawyer and she doesnt then what

It MIGHT make a difference and it might NOT. It is up to the JUDGE. Chances are that the child will be appointed a GAL to protect HIS best interest. The GAL will only represent the CHILD.

Unless mom is actually in jail or has been convicted of committing a crime against the CHILD, it is doubtful that you will get SOLE custody. You may be named the RESIDENTIAL parent (meaning that the child actually lives with you the majority of the time), but based on the information you have given, there is nothing mom has done to warrant limiting mom's rights to the child.

If the GAL feels as though mom may be a DANGER to the child, she may reccommend supervised visitation for a SHORT period of time along with ordering mom to get professional help for her problems.

Courts do not like to take a child away from a parent or even limit a parents access to the child unless they feel as though the parent could actually cause HARM to the child. Even then, the goal is to have the parent get help as soon as possible to address the problems and to preserve the parent child relationship as much as possible.

It MIGHT make a difference and it might NOT. It is up to the JUDGE. Chances are that the child will be appointed a GAL to protect HIS best interest. The GAL will only represent the CHILD.

Unless mom is actually in jail or has been convicted of committing a crime against the CHILD, it is doubtful that you will get SOLE custody. You may be named the RESIDENTIAL parent (meaning that the child actually lives with you the majority of the time), but based on the information you have given, there is nothing mom has done to warrant limiting mom's rights to the child.

If the GAL feels as though mom may be a DANGER to the child, she may reccommend supervised visitation for a SHORT period of time along with ordering mom to get professional help for her problems.

Courts do not like to take a child away from a parent or even limit a parents access to the child unless they feel as though the parent could actually cause HARM to the child. Even then, the goal is to have the parent get help as soon as possible to address the problems and to preserve the parent child relationship as much as possible.


oh no i dont want to take away her rights or anything i jus want to make it legal for me to have my son. cause everything is the way i want it just without the title.she still has power over me since shes above me so i dont want her trying to pull anything like tryin to call the cops on me saying i kidnapped or something like that.

but yeah i jus want it like it is now with her really not seeing him and me taking care of him. just in paper,i really cant see her fighting this cause if she wanted to she woulda did it along time ago and ask to visit him once a week at least

oh no i dont want to take away her rights or anything i jus want to make it legal for me to have my son. cause everything is the way i want it just without the title.she still has power over me since shes above me so i dont want her trying to pull anything like tryin to call the cops on me saying i kidnapped or something like that.

but yeah i jus want it like it is now with her really not seeing him and me taking care of him. just in paper,i really cant see her fighting this cause if she wanted to she woulda did it along time ago and ask to visit him once a week at least

You have practically a 100% chance at getting JOINT LEGAL custody AND being named the RESIDENTIAL PARENT. That would take mom's ability to use the child as a pawn out of her hands.

You have practically a 100% chance at getting JOINT LEGAL custody AND being named the RESIDENTIAL PARENT. That would take mom's ability to use the child as a pawn out of her hands.


so since it will be the same as it is. wont i get in trouble for trying to move him whereever i want to.so in other words i have it better now cause i can move him when i want where i want.also wouldnt me proving the judge proof of purchases for him,and proof that i've takin him to the doctors a good thing on my part.

so since it will be the same as it is. wont i get in trouble for trying to move him whereever i want to.so in other words i have it better now cause i can move him when i want where i want.also wouldnt me proving the judge proof of purchases for him,and proof that i've takin him to the doctors a good thing on my part.

The biggest advantage is mom won't be able to just come and get the child. Without a court order she could. Bring ALL of the proof you have that he has been living with you (doctor bills, daycare bills, your lease if your son is listed as a resident.) You can also get some written statements together from the doctor, teachers, neighbors, people at your church (if you go to church). Written statements may not even be allowed into evidence, but just knowing that you have them could encourage mom to try and settle the case.

As far as moving, it depends. How far? Why? When? As long as it will not interfere with the other parent's relationship with the child, it is usually approved. But, like everything else, it needs to be approved by the court.

The biggest advantage is mom won't be able to just come and get the child. Without a court order she could. Bring ALL of the proof you have that he has been living with you (doctor bills, daycare bills, your lease if your son is listed as a resident.) You can also get some written statements together from the doctor, teachers, neighbors, people at your church (if you go to church). Written statements may not even be allowed into evidence, but just knowing that you have them could encourage mom to try and settle the case.

As far as moving, it depends. How far? Why? When? As long as it will not interfere with the other parent's relationship with the child, it is usually approved. But, like everything else, it needs to be approved by the court.


moving wise it will be at least 30 to 40min from where she lives. and when like july,august.but since im the only 1 providing for him would it really matter.

oh yeah another question could i get money from her threw court since i had to pay my parents money to watch my son while i worked.

moving wise it will be at least 30 to 40min from where she lives. and when like july,august.but since im the only 1 providing for him would it really matter.

oh yeah another question could i get money from her threw court since i had to pay my parents money to watch my son while i worked.

Even when one parent never sees the child, they can prevent the other parent from moving. But since it is less then an hour away, it should be a problem.

The judge will order child support if you ask. As far as actually GETTING the money is a different story. If mom is holding down a job where she gets a paycheck (as opposed to cash) the support can be garnished. You should ask for child support, reimbursement for medical insurance and 50% of childcare costs. Also request that she pay 50% of medical AND dental bills.

Check if there are any residency requirements if you relocate to another county. There may be a 6 or more month wait for you to file in a new county or you may have to file in the county where you are right now. There are usually requirements for this.

The other thing is, if she thinks you are trying to limit her access to the child, once you file she may start demanding to see your son more, just so she doesn't look like a bad mother in court. Be ready for that. People will act one way out of the glare of the courtroom, and then become a completely "new" person once their past actions come into question.

Some people are just not cut out to be parents. Society tells them that they are trash if they do not live up to traditional roles. This is why the "new" person will show up in court (and start demanding more time with her child).

Definitely do the DNA testing to establish paternity. She may get to court and "decide" you aren't the father after all. This would cause major problems for your son.

You can seek child support once paternity is established and that should be filed along with your petiton for custody.

Keep your head and chin up, and, keep focused on what is important, your child. Keep showing him how a real man handles responsibility.

As a side note, check the statutes in your state for what constitutes abandonment. In my state, Ohio, if a parent goes more than 90 days without contact with the child and does not support the child during that time, even if after that point they resume contact, it is still abandonment. This would go a long way in your gaining primary custody.

Good Luck and keep us posted.

Check if there are any residency requirements if you relocate to another county. There may be a 6 or more month wait for you to file in a new county or you may have to file in the county where you are right now. There are usually requirements for this.

The other thing is, if she thinks you are trying to limit her access to the child, once you file she may start demanding to see your son more, just so she doesn't look like a bad mother in court. Be ready for that. People will act one way out of the glare of the courtroom, and then become a completely "new" person once their past actions come into question.

Some people are just not cut out to be parents. Society tells them that they are trash if they do not live up to traditional roles. This is why the "new" person will show up in court (and start demanding more time with her child).

Definitely do the DNA testing to establish paternity. She may get to court and "decide" you aren't the father after all. This would cause major problems for your son.

You can seek child support once paternity is established and that should be filed along with your petiton for custody.

Keep your head and chin up, and, keep focused on what is important, your child. Keep showing him how a real man handles responsibility.

As a side note, check the statutes in your state for what constitutes abandonment. In my state, Ohio, if a parent goes more than 90 days without contact with the child and does not support the child during that time, even if after that point they resume contact, it is still abandonment. This would go a long way in your gaining primary custody.

Good Luck and keep us posted.


i have a question. what if her mom is the one calling to see him and not her and its been her mom all the time besides once. how could i prove that.

and the think is she can have more time with our son, she just doesnt do it. and i heard we could get joint custody but i'll have primary which means im practically the boss. is that true

i have a question. what if her mom is the one calling to see him and not her and its been her mom all the time besides once. how could i prove that.

and the think is she can have more time with our son, she just doesnt do it. and i heard we could get joint custody but i'll have primary which means im practically the boss. is that true

Joint custody means NEITHER parent is the "boss". Primary basically means that the child will live with you for the majority of the time. You will both have a say in important decisions regarding the child.

Joint custody means NEITHER parent is the "boss". Primary basically means that the child will live with you for the majority of the time. You will both have a say in important decisions regarding the child.


from the information i provided with u guys. doesnt it sound like the judge will side with me,when its practically obvious she doesnt really want no part in her son

from the information i provided with u guys. doesnt it sound like the judge will side with me,when its practically obvious she doesnt really want no part in her son

Probably not right away. At this point, although you have PHYSICAL possession of the child, you have no actual LEGAL rights. More than likely, joint custody will be ordered. Honestly, I would try to work out something to that effect as opposed to an expensive legal battle where the outcome will likely be the same. Also ask for the support I mentioned earlier.

After 6 months or so have gone by and mom is STILL indifferent, you can go back to court and request a modification based on the fact that joint custody is not working due to mom's indifference. Then mom will have established a pattern of behavior that the judge will be able to clearly see.

Right now there is no pattern of mom not following the court order, because there is no court order.

You could ask for temporary joint custody so that the court could see how both parents do for about 6 months before deciding on permenant custody, BUT, there is a good chance mom could "straighten up" until the final order is issued.

Probably not right away. At this point, although you have PHYSICAL possession of the child, you have no actual LEGAL rights. More than likely, joint custody will be ordered. Honestly, I would try to work out something to that effect as opposed to an expensive legal battle where the outcome will likely be the same. Also ask for the support I mentioned earlier.

After 6 months or so have gone by and mom is STILL indifferent, you can go back to court and request a modification based on the fact that joint custody is not working due to mom's indifference. Then mom will have established a pattern of behavior that the judge will be able to clearly see.

Right now there is no pattern of mom not following the court order, because there is no court order.

You could ask for temporary joint custody so that the court could see how both parents do for about 6 months before deciding on permenant custody, BUT, there is a good chance mom could "straighten up" until the final order is issued.

so practically since im a dad i cant win.and will be wasting my time and money.seems like there no hope for fathers trying to do the right thing when its obvious the other parent doesnt give a damn :(

so practically since im a dad i cant win.and will be wasting my time and money.seems like there no hope for fathers trying to do the right thing when its obvious the other parent doesnt give a damn :(

It would be the same if you were the mother. It is virtually impossible for ANY parent to be awarded sole custody unless they have solid PROOF that the other parent intentionally caused physical harm to the child and was likely to do it again.

It took me 2 YEARS and tens of thousands of dollars to get sole custody of my kids and that was 7 years ago. If I had it to do over again, I would have agreed to the joint legal with all the same visitation stipulations and gotten the divorce over with much sooner. Then at the 6 month review I could have had it changed to sole physical AND legal, due to lack of cooperation on his part.

It would be the same if you were the mother. It is virtually impossible for ANY parent to be awarded sole custody unless they have solid PROOF that the other parent intentionally caused physical harm to the child and was likely to do it again.

It took me 2 YEARS and tens of thousands of dollars to get sole custody of my kids and that was 7 years ago. If I had it to do over again, I would have agreed to the joint legal with all the same visitation stipulations and gotten the divorce over with much sooner. Then at the 6 month review I could have had it changed to sole physical AND legal, due to lack of cooperation on his part.



question. what if we go to the joint custody thing but she still doesnt go get him.and dont i have a right to know where he's going to be staying at also

Don't give up! You think you don't have a chance?

Not true. My exH got full custody of his daughter (she now lives with me but that was our choice with a little "encouragement" from CPS because he lives with a bunch of guys), But he did it and he was not only up against the mom but childrens services who, for a good long time, didn't follow the visitation schedule, only letting us see her once a week for an hour instead of 2+ (depending on how his daughter handled the visits) visitations per week for 2-3 hours each time.

Mother got only 2 hours per week, supervised visitation, and only with the approval of my exH. (alot of her behavior similar to what your child's mother is doing)

I think this was a big win for Dad's especially since the deck was STACKED against him. Children's Services didn't even include him in their case plan for four months. They were working for reunification with mom for all that time. Once the magistrate made them include him in the case plan, it only took 2 more months for the case to be decided.

Like I said DNA, then file, take all evidence you have, and know you are doing the right thing by your son. You live with your parents, so what! More than likely that would be considered a STABLE environment. Even better for you because you won't have to explain much in the way of childcare to the court. You have lots of positives on your side. GO FOR IT!

is it a good thing to get a paper signed saying that the mother wants to pick up tristan and not her daughter. like before i know its not a legal document. but its just more proof to go off of

also what if the mother says i cant do ne thing cause i work and he's in better care with his dad.does that sound like the judge would question if she's to busy to keep her son(not her mom) for at least once a week

You're starting to sound beaten. You are not! Fathers have rights but one thing I can tell you is that you must and should verify paternity and I would be very cautious about even letting her know your intent right now. Keep your communication with this woman slim. Remember........this will be a long battle. Get a folder and keep a journal on each conversation and each time the mother has the opportunity to see the child and doesn't. You want primary custody. This doesn't mean you are the "boss" but it does mean that you have the majority of your sons time. It is this time that you can instill the values you want your son to grow up with. She will be allowed visitation more than likely and if you act quickly and quietly with a good atty, you can make this happen. You can then request the Attorney Generals office in your state to further the move for child support once a judge has awarded primary care to you. More than before fathers are getting primary care of their children these days. Yes, each parent has rights and she will have rights to the child like, knowing where the child lives, goes to school, his doctors and health records and all that sort of information. If you gain primary custody and request child support, you must allow her visitation to continue whether you receive the support or not. Check the search engines for "Fathers Rights in your state" search for the Office of the Attorney General in your state. Learn all you can!!!! Everytime you feel beaten take a breathe and get back to fighting for the sake of your son. I know countless men who have defeated the mothers of their children in court over custody and support. It can be done. It wont be easy. Just keep fighting and get ALL the FREE advise from legal services you can. Good luck!!!!!

well i got bad news. she took him today,i let her mom keep him over night cause she asked if she could keep him.well my ex called me today and said that he's at her house and she's keeping him :( after i had him for 6months.thats the reason i was rushing to get a lawyer in fear she would use her power against me and she did. my question is can i use that against her on how she took him in that manner.

well i got bad news. she took him today,i let her mom keep him over night cause she asked if she could keep him.well my ex called me today and said that he's at her house and she's keeping him :( after i had him for 6months.thats the reason i was rushing to get a lawyer in fear she would use her power against me and she did. my question is can i use that against her on how she took him in that manner.

She was perfectly within her right to take him. She has LEGAL custody of the child and that is how the court will see it. The fact that he lived with you for 6 months could help you to be awarded joint custody.

If you try to make an issue of the fact that she took the child back, the first thing the judge will want to know is why YOU did nothing to gain LEGAL custody for the 6 months that you had the child.

Yes, use all of it against that thoughtless, heartless B. For her to just up and take him like that is criminal, at least abusive. You just can't keep doing that to children.

Go to court ASAP, and get your child!!!!!!!!!

She was perfectly within her right to take him. She has LEGAL custody of the child and that is how the court will see it. The fact that he lived with you for 6 months could help you to be awarded joint custody.

If you try to make an issue of the fact that she took the child back, the first thing the judge will want to know is why YOU did nothing to gain LEGAL custody for the 6 months that you had the child.

with the bold statement i'll jus tell him i didnt think it would escalade that high.and everything was good,so then i decided to to make it legal on paper.

and yeah i know its her right to take him,but all i can say is she decided to take him then was cause she had her fun and she's now established and she didnt need me practically helping her out by watching our son for that long

Yes, use all of it against that thoughtless, heartless B. For her to just up and take him like that is criminal, at least abusive. You just can't keep doing that to children.

Go to court ASAP, and get your child!!!!!!!!!


im gettin a lawyer next week. i tried to tell her it will be hard for her to win but she doesnt believe me

can i get joint custody but be the primary custodian parent

can i get joint custody but be the primary custodian parent

Joint custody is pretty much a given any more. As far as getting primary placement goes, no one here can really even make an educated guess on what your chances are. The biggest factor is the judge. Without knowing the judge that will be hearing your case and what direction their past rulings tend to lean, there is no way to give you a good answer.

However, a local family law attorney should have had many cases heard by the judge that you will be in front of and would at least know how the judge typically rules in these types of cases.