LilMtnCbn
03-03-2004, 06:59 AM
http://www.philly.com/mld/inquirer/news/local/8090246.htm
A mother's joy may clash with daughter's confusion
The girl will not quickly accept her family, child experts predict, advising
professional help.
By Stacey Burling
Inquirer Staff Writer
Two sides of the same story:
A mother is overjoyed to see the daughter she thought was incinerated in a fire
as an infant alive and healthy at age 6. She can hardly wait to bring her home,
to hug and kiss her.
A 6-year-old girl is wrenched from the woman she knows as her mother, a woman
police say was really her kidnapper. Authorities are preparing to send her to
live with a stranger. She can only feel terribly confused and frightened.
There is obvious potential for a devastating clash of expectations as little
Delimar Vera reunites with her birth mother, Luzaida Cuevas, 31. How the two of
them emerge from this treacherous emotional journey depends on the child's
inborn resilience, how well she has been treated so far, and how mature the
adults in her life can be, psychologists and child psychiatrists said
yesterday.
There was agreement on two points: Her biological parents need professional
help, and they should not expect quick acceptance from their little girl.
"This is going to be a long, hard road toward connecting back to her biological
parents - a long, hard road with many potholes," said Vince Bellwoar, a
psychologist who directs Associates of Springfield Psychological, a counseling
practice in Havertown, West Chester, and Springfield, Delaware County.
There are clear similarities to the famous switched-at-birth story of Kimberly
Mays of Florida, a bizarre situation that led to a protracted custody battle
and an unhappy young woman. But therapists said that what Delimar is likely to
experience will be more like the death of a parent or an adoption in
mid-childhood.
Delimar is likely to feel confused and maybe even responsible for the trouble
that has befallen the family she grew up with, experts said. Trust might be a
issue for her for years to come. As she returns to her mother and family, they
will need to understand that she misses Carolyn Correa, the woman they blame
for kidnapping her and setting their house on fire. They need to let her
express her sadness and should not vilify the woman she knew as her mother.
"This little girl, she's only 6 years old. She doesn't know about the crime or
the law. This is the person who took care of her," said Gail Edelsohn, a child
psychiatrist at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital.
Edelsohn and other child experts said it would be best if Delimar could have
some sort of contact with Correa, even if only to say goodbye.
"There has to be some closure," Edelsohn said. "She can't just block this out
of her life."
Ideally, the experts said, Correa would help with the transition, though that
could be hoping for too much.
"I can think of a thousand ways this person could sabotage things," said Todd
Walker, a Cincinnati psychologist and expert on children and attachment.
Delimar's biological family will need to be patient with her, said Annie
Steinberg, a pediatrician and child psychiatrist at Children's Hospital of
Philadelphia. "The first thing to do is just to give this child a sense of
stability and safety and comfort, and be patient and allow the natural
separation and loss from a major attachment figure to occur and anticipate it,"
she said.
Edelsohn said the child's sense of loss and confusion might show up in
nightmares or difficulty sleeping. Her behavior might regress. She might become
clingy or afraid to go to school. Her new family will need to establish a clear
schedule and behave predictably.
Although this might feel like a rebirth to Cuevas, it will not to her daughter.
"She's not being born again. She's already got a history that you've got to let
her bring with her," Walker said. "You want to make sure that all of her is
accepted."
In the long run, it will be better for Delimar if she has been treated well by
Correa. That would mean she would miss her first family more, but she would be
more likely to be on target developmentally and to be able to form secure
attachments, child experts said.
Devastating as this situation seems, Walker said children can adjust better
than many adults expect.
"The fact is, kids at this age are much more resilient than adults are," he
said.
-------------------------
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail . . . but, a true friend will
be sitting next to you saying, "Damn . . . that was fun!"
-----Unknown
A mother's joy may clash with daughter's confusion
The girl will not quickly accept her family, child experts predict, advising
professional help.
By Stacey Burling
Inquirer Staff Writer
Two sides of the same story:
A mother is overjoyed to see the daughter she thought was incinerated in a fire
as an infant alive and healthy at age 6. She can hardly wait to bring her home,
to hug and kiss her.
A 6-year-old girl is wrenched from the woman she knows as her mother, a woman
police say was really her kidnapper. Authorities are preparing to send her to
live with a stranger. She can only feel terribly confused and frightened.
There is obvious potential for a devastating clash of expectations as little
Delimar Vera reunites with her birth mother, Luzaida Cuevas, 31. How the two of
them emerge from this treacherous emotional journey depends on the child's
inborn resilience, how well she has been treated so far, and how mature the
adults in her life can be, psychologists and child psychiatrists said
yesterday.
There was agreement on two points: Her biological parents need professional
help, and they should not expect quick acceptance from their little girl.
"This is going to be a long, hard road toward connecting back to her biological
parents - a long, hard road with many potholes," said Vince Bellwoar, a
psychologist who directs Associates of Springfield Psychological, a counseling
practice in Havertown, West Chester, and Springfield, Delaware County.
There are clear similarities to the famous switched-at-birth story of Kimberly
Mays of Florida, a bizarre situation that led to a protracted custody battle
and an unhappy young woman. But therapists said that what Delimar is likely to
experience will be more like the death of a parent or an adoption in
mid-childhood.
Delimar is likely to feel confused and maybe even responsible for the trouble
that has befallen the family she grew up with, experts said. Trust might be a
issue for her for years to come. As she returns to her mother and family, they
will need to understand that she misses Carolyn Correa, the woman they blame
for kidnapping her and setting their house on fire. They need to let her
express her sadness and should not vilify the woman she knew as her mother.
"This little girl, she's only 6 years old. She doesn't know about the crime or
the law. This is the person who took care of her," said Gail Edelsohn, a child
psychiatrist at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital.
Edelsohn and other child experts said it would be best if Delimar could have
some sort of contact with Correa, even if only to say goodbye.
"There has to be some closure," Edelsohn said. "She can't just block this out
of her life."
Ideally, the experts said, Correa would help with the transition, though that
could be hoping for too much.
"I can think of a thousand ways this person could sabotage things," said Todd
Walker, a Cincinnati psychologist and expert on children and attachment.
Delimar's biological family will need to be patient with her, said Annie
Steinberg, a pediatrician and child psychiatrist at Children's Hospital of
Philadelphia. "The first thing to do is just to give this child a sense of
stability and safety and comfort, and be patient and allow the natural
separation and loss from a major attachment figure to occur and anticipate it,"
she said.
Edelsohn said the child's sense of loss and confusion might show up in
nightmares or difficulty sleeping. Her behavior might regress. She might become
clingy or afraid to go to school. Her new family will need to establish a clear
schedule and behave predictably.
Although this might feel like a rebirth to Cuevas, it will not to her daughter.
"She's not being born again. She's already got a history that you've got to let
her bring with her," Walker said. "You want to make sure that all of her is
accepted."
In the long run, it will be better for Delimar if she has been treated well by
Correa. That would mean she would miss her first family more, but she would be
more likely to be on target developmentally and to be able to form secure
attachments, child experts said.
Devastating as this situation seems, Walker said children can adjust better
than many adults expect.
"The fact is, kids at this age are much more resilient than adults are," he
said.
-------------------------
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail . . . but, a true friend will
be sitting next to you saying, "Damn . . . that was fun!"
-----Unknown
