Any experience with US agencies doing Lituania adoptions? [Archive]

AdoptaDad

02-25-2004, 08:33 AM

>Subject: Any experience with US agencies doing Lituania adoptions?From: "Dave" daves@not.hereDate: 2/25/2004 8:18 AM Eastern Standard TimeMessage-id: <kh1%b.29630$gg.3443611749@twister2.starband.net>My wife & I are considering adopting from Lithuania. Any parents here haveexperiences with US agencies - pro or con?Dave

http://www.theadoptionguide.com/complaints/carolva.htm

My home is no longer a happy home--we are sad; we fight, we cry, I scream, I
don't like being there.

by Carol

We were very poorly advised as to the problems children adopted from
institutions would experience--it appears to be a money market.

We adopted three children--two brothers and a girl--3, 4, and the boy would
turn 6 in two months. Russia was shutting down and the pressure was put on us
to take these three children or forget it.

We were told that the children would experience development delays and
language, of course, but would catch up very, very quickly. There was only good
reports delivered to us about how successful these adoptions were.

Two of the children have been tested in Morgantown, West Virginia, for
psychological behavioral problems, but even this avenue was not
productive--there may well be attention deficit problems, attachment, fetal
alcohol, lead, toxins, but nothing definite was given after an entire day of
testing and of course, the insurance company was very negative on paying for
any services--even turned down for lead testing.

The children do not know how to play--and it is now two and half years in
America--very impulsive, cause and effect is weak, danger to self and others is
frequent, very over sensitive to their environment, other children, anything
different or new, very hyper active;

The girl experiences separation anxiety from me, the mother. However, she is
probably the only one that is really bonding. She spoke poor Russian and has
had a very difficult time with speech. She is in Kindergarten where she is
receiving speech therapy for sounds, how to make sentences, classifications,
comparisons, vocabulary, and memory. Temper tantrums often last forty plus
minutes; she still wets the bed at night although she appears to be in more
control.

The oldest boy is very angry, very sad, extremely moody--extremely jealous,
lies, cheats, steals, sneaky, not trustworthy. He is very controlling--he was
the oldest child in the orphanage and was "Lord of the Flies". He resents
female figures--especially a certain age group and I fall into this category.
He has not bonded and plays my husband and me constantly. I do not think he
cares for any of us--but my husband still believes he wants to be part of us. I
think he just wants and wants and wants.

He either can't or won't try to change any of his negative behaviors. We have
tried many forms of rewards, praise, time out (he could time out for eternity),
story book relationship to his situation, comparison of his deeds and cause and
effect and what he could have done differently and can do different in the
future, tears, screaming, and harsher discipline. We have not reached him. I am
not a good mother to him.

He hordes, has secret caches of items he steals; he is empty and always trying
to fill up the holes.

All three children have had physical coordination problems. The two oldest boys
are still very physically inept. The oldest child has really bad teeth and
formed mouth and we are probably looking at surgery.

My home is no longer a happy home--we are sad; we fight, we cry, I scream, I
don't like being there. After 25 years of marriage I am strongly considering a
divorce. I love my husband--I love two of the children.

I am a member of the Parent Network for the Post-Institutionalized Child. The
agency we used knew there were major problems with the institutionalized child.
I am very angry at them--as soon as we said there were problems--we were told
to just hang in there--give it time and we were dropped.

We have not received any help. Doctors, family, friends do not understand. We
have not had their support. We hear it is because we adopted three or had never
had children and the list goes on. We are too, too, . . . We hear, my child
stole or my child did this, and of course, we all have done these things, but .
.. .

If we had been told of the problems; if we had been told that the oldest child
wasn't really even that attached to his brother, I would have never adopted
him. He was strange in Russia--extremely quiet, sad, withdrawn, angry, would
not talk to me, wanted all the other children to know he was going to America,
had to have my husband hold him for the other children to see, but not because
he really wanted to be held. He played physical power control with my arms on
the plane back from Russia. I had a bad feeling even in Russia and great
pressure was put on us to adopt him--we were his last hope--he would be going
to a State run school when he turned six--in two months. We didn't dream of
separating biological brothers--after we sign the papers we find that there had
been a half sister and he could care less that she had left the orphanage
earlier. We thought this was our last opportunity to be parents--so costly to
deal with agencies and travel, we were older, we thought we couldn't wait four
or five years as young couples could. People messed with our lives--we may not
be good enough, intelligent enough to help him and he may not do well in
society.

I am very hesitant of psychologists now. This area is too small for finding
someone who works with children adopted from foreign institutions. We have
viewed the documentaries on television showing brain activity sections to be
missing--the window of opportunity to change behavior because of little
stimulation and/or love. We just keep trying different ways of reaching all of
them. I try to read on different subjects.

Through trial and error, I found we are following most of the guidelines
suggested to use with Attention Deficit children.

It breaks my heart to find my personal things destroyed, stolen, gone
through--to find his cache. It exhausts all of us to deal with his anger and
jealousy. I find I do not do some things with the younger two because I would
have to take him, buy him, etc. If he has a good day, we all feel we have been
given a gift from God.

Every day I go to school to pick them up I hear who hasn't been able to control
themselves. They all were even kicked out of Vacation Bible School last summer.
And yet all of them have made tremendous progress academically--they are all
supposedly very smart. They have grown physically. They are pretty children.

They are very huggy, lovable, friendly--especially to strangers. The two
younger ones are very lovable to us.

I know we have three children. We are no longer childless. We got what we asked
for. Parenthood is always the luck of the draw. Parenthood comes with no manual
and all children are different.

If we had been counseled correctly, we might still have made the same choice.
But we could have received better help, hope, and training. I truly believe we
would not have adopted the oldest and very possibly we would have settled for
just the one girl--we would not have split the boys up. We should have been
made to do two trips. The children's and family welfare should have been the
number one concern of these agencies. These agencies should have been more
closely regulated by the US.

My little problems in the world and my feelings. I was so frustrated when I
located that site and I just impulsively jotted my feelings.

I know how much everyone wants a child and to be a family. Maybe it is just us.
I truly question everything at this point.

Carol