Hi,

You are right. We have many issues that I guess cannot be resolved. I will
continue to love and think about him. We had plans for Christmas but I will
leave it up to him.

Threatened by his meeting and visiting his Mom - you bet. However, I
encouraged him to go when the Father asked to meet him. Also, Mom. I guess I
thought he would be nice on the holiday but no. He blames me for everything
that has ever happened to him. He is irresponsible and it is all my fault.

Any suggestions.

Bonnie

Thank You and May God Bless You

On 30 Nov 2003 00:03:20 GMT, flourish99@aol.com (Flourish99) wrote:
Hi,You are right. We have many issues that I guess cannot be resolved. I willcontinue to love and think about him. We had plans for Christmas but I willleave it up to him.Threatened by his meeting and visiting his Mom - you bet. However, Iencouraged him to go when the Father asked to meet him. Also, Mom. I guess Ithought he would be nice on the holiday but no. He blames me for everythingthat has ever happened to him. He is irresponsible and it is all my fault.Any suggestions.

Maybe find a support group.. Maybe try and talk with other women who
have gone through what you are going through..

Find out how they have dealt with reunion..

Jackie

flourish99@aol.com (Flourish99) wrote Threatened by his meeting and visiting his Mom - you bet. However, I encouraged him to go when the Father asked to meet him. Also, Mom. I guess I thought he would be nice on the holiday but no. He blames me for everything that has ever happened to him. He is irresponsible and it is all my fault. Any suggestions. Bonnie Thank You and May God Bless You

Take it easy a bit, if you can.
It takes a long time for kids to see their parents as people with
feelings. That sounds a bit like what is happening here.
I hope it gets better over time.

(And perhaps you could tell your daughter-in-law that you didn't mean
anything negative. I think she may have heard, "Your skin is looking
ugly" when you said "Yes, I can see you're stressed.")

Rupa

"Flourish99" <flourish99@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20031129190320.05353.00000922@mb-m21.aol.com... Hi,He blames me for everything that has ever happened to him. He is
irresponsible and it is all my fault. Any suggestions. Bonnie Thank You and May God Bless You


Sounds like he may be a bit spoiled? His irresponsibility is NOT your fault
unless you are an "enabler". He should be THANKFUL that you encouraged the
reunion and that you showed your support. Perhaps a few visits less will
cause him to appreciate you more than he currently does. He sounds like my
step-son - I am the root of all of his problems, the target for all of his
anger and abuse........and this has been going on since his mother walked
out on him when he was 9 years old. 3 days ago I mustered up the courage to
tell my husband " I have tried, I have failed, and therefore I quit!" My
husband completely understood, as he has seen nothing but abuse towards me
for the past 10 years. Having courage to give the kid a swift kick in the
*** is tough to do, so I allow myself distance and time to appreciate what
"I" choose. 10 pounds lost in the past 2 weeks clearly shows the stress
that my body is under. I threw in the towel..........perhaps things will
change here. If not, "I" will change them. Do not "allow" yourself to be
blamed and menatlly abused.........share with him that his negativity is
simply a luxury of life that you are not affording yourself. He will do one
of two things........1)Think about his actions and better himself to improve
his relationship with you .......OR 2)Blow the whole thing off with the
"poor little me" syndrome and continue with his negativity. The ball is in
HIS court after you present the problem to him that is making you
uncomfortable.

Regards,
Clueless

Hi Clueless,

Thanks for the support. Right now I feel like someone beat me up for hours on
end but this too will pass.

I have tried to talk to him but he has an advantage. I was involved in a
serious accident in '95 which resulted in a traumatic brain injury so he can do
a number on me at a moment's notice to the point where I begin to think it is
all my fault.
Oh well we'll get through this.



Thank You and May God Bless You

"Flourish99" <flourish99@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20031130173725.19197.00001126@mb-m18.aol.com...
I have tried to talk to him but he has an advantage. I was involved in a serious accident in '95 which resulted in a traumatic brain injury so he
can do a number on me at a moment's notice to the point where I begin to think it
is all my fault.

I've worked with people with TBI, am an adult adoptee, and have a mother
about your age who's encouraging me to reunite.

Every relationship between parents and their adult children is different; no
one here can say you or he did something wrong or right because no one here
has a baseline of your relationship history to work from.

I can say that if my mother told me (or god forbid, my husband) 'I hope I'm
still the #1 mom' it would irritate the **** out of me. If my mom is feeling
insecure, I expect her to talk to me openly about it, not
passively-aggressively launch little missiles like that that don't expect
any answer but the 'right' one (ie., 'Of COURSE you are, Mom!'). That's not
a fair or respectful way to conduct a relationship with another adult.

Your relationship problems are not unusual. Even the fact that you're having
problems with your son after his reunion is not unusual. Some people go
through rocky times with their adoptive families after a reunion. I suggest
you try an honest, strings-free conversation with your son about his
reunion. Try to do more listening than talking. Try to control the need to
answer every question you have about her house, her car, her cooking, her
family, her lifestyle. That stuff is irrelevant right now.

Take time to process your feelings about what he's said before you react
from hurt. The future of your relationship with your son need not balance on
what's said in one conversation. Try putting your feelings in writing, for
your eyes only. If you can put words to your feelings, it might help you
understand the cause and effect of what's happening in the relationship with
your son.

Cate

"Flourish99" <flourish99@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20031130173725.19197.00001126@mb-m18.aol.com... Hi Clueless, Thanks for the support. Right now I feel like someone beat me up for
hours on end but this too will pass. I have tried to talk to him but he has an advantage. I was involved in a serious accident in '95 which resulted in a traumatic brain injury so he
can do a number on me at a moment's notice to the point where I begin to think it
is all my fault. Oh well we'll get through this. Thank You and May God Bless You


Sweetie, I am no doctor, nor am I a therapist. I am merely someone whom has
been left with the unfortunate circumstance of raising a step-son that has
treated me in the same manner as your son seems to be treating you. It took
a lot out of me, but I had to put my foot down and think of myself for once
and for all. Do not allow your son to have the "advantage". I am an
adoptee, and I can assure you that I have NEVER treated my adoptive mother
as anything other than a loving mom. Any problems that have occurred in my
life have been of my own doing, and I never held her accountable......and I
also never blamed any of my issues upon the fact that I was adopted. I
found my biological family without the help and support of my parents. I
never rubbed it in their faces and I don't blame anyone for my emotional
issues other than myself. Your son might need counseling to find out "why"
he treats you in these manners, buthe has to "want" to go. If he sees no
problem in the relationship, he may not go voluntarily. Be strong and look
out for yourself. He is a grown man whom is capable of surviving. You may
want to take this opportunity to review the responses to your message and
you may want to note that we are all supporting you. Take time out for
yourself. Do not allow yourself life's luxury of being abused in any way,
shape, or form. This is YOUR life now and you should love it in the manner
that you feel comfortable with.
Regards,
Clueless