Hi,

I have an adopted son, age 31 that we got when he was 5-1/2 months. We loved
him and did the best we could but it was never enough.

He really turned on me this Thanksgiving. He recently was contacted by her
birth mother and father although they did not marry one another. They are very
good people and I encouraged this meeting thinking that perhaps he would feel
complete.

I can honestly say I was not abusive with him in any way - pehaps a little
strict about him studying in high school but I guess nothing will work.

He and his wife who I also like left in a huff. This time I will not call him.
I am almost 60 - and I cannot take this rejection any longer.

I hope there are few families that have this problem but if there are some I
would like to learn from them how to begin the healing process.

Thanks - Bonnie

Thank You and May God Bless You

>Subject: I guess I wasn't good enoughFrom: flourish99@aol.com (Flourish99)Date: 11/29/03 11:33 AM Mountain Standard TimeMessage-id: <20031129133330.14015.00001212@mb-m15.aol.com>Hi,I have an adopted son, age 31 that we got when he was 5-1/2 months. We lovedhim and did the best we could but it was never enough.He really turned on me this Thanksgiving. He recently was contacted by herbirth mother and father although they did not marry one another. They areverygood people and I encouraged this meeting thinking that perhaps he would feelcomplete.I can honestly say I was not abusive with him in any way - pehaps a littlestrict about him studying in high school but I guess nothing will work.He and his wife who I also like left in a huff. This time I will not callhim. I am almost 60 - and I cannot take this rejection any longer.I hope there are few families that have this problem but if there are some Iwould like to learn from them how to begin the healing process.Thanks - BonnieThank You and May God Bless You

Yikes!


-------------------------
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail . . . but, a true friend will
be sitting next to you saying, "Damn . . . that was fun!"
-----Unknown

In article <20031129133330.14015.00001212@mb-m15.aol.com>, flourish99@aol.com
(Flourish99) writes:
Hi,I have an adopted son, age 31 that we got when he was 5-1/2 months. We lovedhim and did the best we could but it was never enough.He really turned on me this Thanksgiving. He recently was contacted by herbirth mother and father although they did not marry one another. They areverygood people and I encouraged this meeting thinking that perhaps he would feelcomplete.I can honestly say I was not abusive with him in any way - pehaps a littlestrict about him studying in high school but I guess nothing will work.He and his wife who I also like left in a huff. This time I will not callhim. I am almost 60 - and I cannot take this rejection any longer.I hope there are few families that have this problem but if there are some Iwould like to learn from them how to begin the healing process.Thanks - Bonnie

From what you've written, it's not clear what you think the reason was for your
son and his wife leaving in a huff. Are you simply assuming that it has
something to do with his reunion or is there something more concrete?

J.
Whose family members often leave in a huff, if you can get them there in the
first place.

Hi,

Sorry to have not been more clear in my post. My son recently was contacted by
both Mom and Dad and found out they are very nice people. He went to visit his
Mom on Thanksgiving and I had that holiday on Friday so that all the kids could
see their in-laws on Thursday. On Friday his wife who I have always liked and
had a good relationship told me about a family problem and I sympathized with
her. I told her I could see she was visibly upset and I noted her face was a
little broken out which was most unusual. I truly did not mean anything when I
said that - just thought I was validating her sadness. I then asked her a few
very benign questions about the visit - I said I hoped I would always be his
number one Mom, asked what her house was like and I think that was. My son
came up to me about an hour later and asked me if I was finished being mean to
his wife. I believe it was because I mentioned the blemishes. He also told me
I interrogated her. I just blew up and said he enjoyed upsetting me which I
truly believe was true. They then left. I have always blamed myself as not
being the Mom he wanted. Now that he has met his bio-mom I guess she is a more
appealing individual. I am crushed but that is generally what happens. He
does not leave but he gets a couple of digs in and I accept them.

Thank You and May God Bless You

in article 20031129172311.02000.00001021@mb-m16.aol.com, Flourish99 at
flourish99@aol.com wrote on 29/11/03 10:23 pm:
Hi, Sorry to have not been more clear in my post. My son recently was contacted by both Mom and Dad and found out they are very nice people. He went to visit his Mom on Thanksgiving and I had that holiday on Friday so that all the kids could see their in-laws on Thursday. On Friday his wife who I have always liked and had a good relationship told me about a family problem and I sympathized with her. I told her I could see she was visibly upset and I noted her face was a little broken out which was most unusual. I truly did not mean anything when I said that - just thought I was validating her sadness. I then asked her a few very benign questions about the visit - I said I hoped I would always be his number one Mom, asked what her house was like and I think that was. My son came up to me about an hour later and asked me if I was finished being mean to his wife. I believe it was because I mentioned the blemishes. He also told me I interrogated her. I just blew up and said he enjoyed upsetting me which I truly believe was true. They then left. I have always blamed myself as not being the Mom he wanted. Now that he has met his bio-mom I guess she is a more appealing individual. I am crushed but that is generally what happens. He does not leave but he gets a couple of digs in and I accept them. Thank You and May God Bless You

Sounds ever so much like the ups and downs of ordinary family life to me.
Not a lot of evidence to say you were "not being the Mom he wanted" or that
he thinks your mothering "wasn't good enough". But unfortunately it seems
fairly typical of how some adoptive mums feel, usually without any
justification, when sons seek out their birth families.

Robin

In article <20031129172311.02000.00001021@mb-m16.aol.com>, flourish99@aol.com
(Flourish99) writes:
Hi,Sorry to have not been more clear in my post. My son recently was contactedbyboth Mom and Dad and found out they are very nice people. He went to visithisMom on Thanksgiving and I had that holiday on Friday so that all the kidscouldsee their in-laws on Thursday. On Friday his wife who I have always likedandhad a good relationship told me about a family problem and I sympathized withher. I told her I could see she was visibly upset and I noted her face was alittle broken out which was most unusual. I truly did not mean anything whenIsaid that - just thought I was validating her sadness. I then asked her afewvery benign questions about the visit - I said I hoped I would always be hisnumber one Mom, asked what her house was like and I think that was. My soncame up to me about an hour later and asked me if I was finished being meantohis wife. I believe it was because I mentioned the blemishes. He also toldmeI interrogated her. I just blew up and said he enjoyed upsetting me which Itruly believe was true. They then left. I have always blamed myself as notbeing the Mom he wanted. Now that he has met his bio-mom I guess she is amoreappealing individual. I am crushed but that is generally what happens. Hedoes not leave but he gets a couple of digs in and I accept them.Thank You and May God Bless You

For what it's worth, it sounds to me as if your son's reunion is not the
problem here, or at least not the primary problem. Although you sound
threatened by the reunion, I think you've got some deeper issues to deal with
between you and your son.

Best of luck in doing so.

J.

>Subject: I guess I wasn't good enoughFrom: flourish99@aol.com (Flourish99)Date: 11/29/03 10:33 AM Pacific Standard TimeMessage-id: <20031129133330.14015.00001212@mb-m15.aol.com>Hi,I have an adopted son, age 31 that we got when he was 5-1/2 months. We lovedhim and did the best we could but it was never enough.He really turned on me this Thanksgiving. He recently was contacted by herbirth mother and father although they did not marry one another. They areverygood people and I encouraged this meeting thinking that perhaps he would feelcomplete.I can honestly say I was not abusive with him in any way - pehaps a littlestrict about him studying in high school but I guess nothing will work.He and his wife who I also like left in a huff. This time I will not callhim. I am almost 60 - and I cannot take this rejection any longer.I hope there are few families that have this problem but if there are some Iwould like to learn from them how to begin the healing process.Thanks - BonnieThank You and May God Bless You
Bonnie, your story jumps all over the place, and leaves a lot of loose ends.
If he had not been reunited, and he'd gotten mad and left in a huff, what would
you blame then? Did he leave in a huff because you said something about his
reunion?

I don't always get along with my parents either. But, I don't blame every
disagreement on my adoption and/or reunion.

Not quite sure what your age has to do with the discussion, my parents are both
older than you.

Perhaps if you fill in the holes in your story, people can offer advice, or
support.
Kathy, born Renee Karyn Racine

Permanent good can never be the outcome of untruth and violence.
--Mahatma Gandhi
Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive
at that goal.
--Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

>Subject: Re: I guess I wasn't good enoughFrom: flourish99@aol.com (Flourish99)Date: 11/29/03 2:23 PM Pacific Standard TimeMessage-id: <20031129172311.02000.00001021@mb-m16.aol.com>Hi,Sorry to have not been more clear in my post. My son recently was contactedbyboth Mom and Dad and found out they are very nice people. He went to visithisMom on Thanksgiving and I had that holiday on Friday so that all the kidscouldsee their in-laws on Thursday. On Friday his wife who I have always likedandhad a good relationship told me about a family problem and I sympathized withher. I told her I could see she was visibly upset and I noted her face was alittle broken out which was most unusual. I truly did not mean anything whenIsaid that - just thought I was validating her sadness. I then asked her afewvery benign questions about the visit - I said I hoped I would always be hisnumber one Mom, asked what her house was like and I think that was. My soncame up to me about an hour later and asked me if I was finished being meantohis wife. I believe it was because I mentioned the blemishes. He also toldmeI interrogated her. I just blew up and said he enjoyed upsetting me which Itruly believe was true. They then left. I have always blamed myself as notbeing the Mom he wanted. Now that he has met his bio-mom I guess she is amoreappealing individual. I am crushed but that is generally what happens. Hedoes not leave but he gets a couple of digs in and I accept them.Thank You and May God Bless You
You are both wrong, both being too touchy, and both needing to cool down.
You're a trainwreck waiting to happen.

If you don't think you're good enough, how can you be? What does it matter if
your the #1 mom or not? You raised him! You've loved him, and hopefully known
he's loved you. Why would you now force him to show you that he loves you more
than her?

I can only imagine how insecure a new reunion can make you feel. Hold on,
don't jump to conclusions, don't let them see you sweat, and ride out the
roller coaster. Don't make this about you! He'll talk to you about it, when
he wants to. If he doesn't want to, there is nothing wrong with that. This is
his reunion, his relationship with his first parents.

I don't know how you brought up the skin (or why???)... but, perhaps explain to
your son and daughter-in-law that you just meant that her stress about the
situation was showing in her face and her skin. Let them know you meant no
insult. You owe her an apology on that one, so don't shy away if you want to
keep your family together.

Good luck.
Kathy, born Renee Karyn Racine

Permanent good can never be the outcome of untruth and violence.
--Mahatma Gandhi
Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive
at that goal.
--Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

In article <BBEED11F.29FBF%nospam@harritt.net>, Robin Harritt says...in article 20031129172311.02000.00001021@mb-m16.aol.com, Flourish99 atflourish99@aol.com wrote on 29/11/03 10:23 pm: Hi, Sorry to have not been more clear in my post. My son recently was contacted by both Mom and Dad and found out they are very nice people. He went to visit his Mom on Thanksgiving and I had that holiday on Friday so that all the kids could see their in-laws on Thursday. On Friday his wife who I have always liked and had a good relationship told me about a family problem and I sympathized with her. I told her I could see she was visibly upset and I noted her face was a little broken out which was most unusual. I truly did not mean anything when I said that - just thought I was validating her sadness. I then asked her a few very benign questions about the visit - I said I hoped I would always be his number one Mom, asked what her house was like and I think that was. My son came up to me about an hour later and asked me if I was finished being mean to his wife. I believe it was because I mentioned the blemishes. He also told me I interrogated her. I just blew up and said he enjoyed upsetting me which I truly believe was true. They then left. I have always blamed myself as not being the Mom he wanted. Now that he has met his bio-mom I guess she is a more appealing individual. I am crushed but that is generally what happens. He does not leave but he gets a couple of digs in and I accept them. Thank You and May God Bless YouSounds ever so much like the ups and downs of ordinary family life to me.Not a lot of evidence to say you were "not being the Mom he wanted" or thathe thinks your mothering "wasn't good enough". But unfortunately it seemsfairly typical of how some adoptive mums feel, usually without anyjustification, when sons seek out their birth families.

I agree - In fact she echoed quite a view things that I've heard from my own
amum, though long before I even thought about a reunion. More than once I
heard, "You just resent me because I'm not your real mother". Actually I just
resented her on occasion because she knew how to be a major ***** when she
wanted to ;)

Robyn
Resident Witchypoo & EAC Spellcaster
#1557

Hi,

I have been encouraging him for years to look for his biological parents and
fortunately for him, they found him.

This post is about day to day living with a kid that resents me. I don't know
what to do but I'm sure it is not bothering him. The visit did not have
anything to do with this. About every tenth visit he is nice with me. I have
always been a person that just took what he offered but these accusations that
I was mistreating his wife and interrogating her just hit me at the wrong time.

Thank You and May God Bless You

>>> Hi, Sorry to have not been more clear in my post. My son recently wascontacted by both Mom and Dad and found out they are very nice people. He went tovisit his Mom on Thanksgiving and I had that holiday on Friday so that all thekids could see their in-laws on Thursday. On Friday his wife who I have always liked and had a good relationship told me about a family problem and I sympathized with her. I told her I could see she was visibly upset and I noted her face was a little broken out which was most unusual. I trulydid not mean anything when I said that - just thought I was validating her sadness. I then asked her a few very benign questions about the visit - I said I hoped I would always be his number one Mom, asked what her housewas like and I think that was. My son came up to me about an hour later andasked me if I was finished being mean to his wife. I believe it was because I mentioned the blemishes. He also told me I interrogated her. I just blewup and said he enjoyed upsetting me which I truly believe was true. Theythen left. I have always blamed myself as not being the Mom he wanted. Nowthat he has met his bio-mom I guess she is a more appealing individual. I am crushed but that is generally what happens. He does not leave but he getsa couple of digs in and I accept them. Thank You and May God Bless YouSounds ever so much like the ups and downs of ordinary family life to me.Not a lot of evidence to say you were "not being the Mom he wanted" or thathe thinks your mothering "wasn't good enough". But unfortunately it seemsfairly typical of how some adoptive mums feel, usually without anyjustification, when sons seek out their birth families.I agree - In fact she echoed quite a view things that I've heard from my ownamum, though long before I even thought about a reunion. More than once Iheard, "You just resent me because I'm not your real mother". Actually Ijustresented her on occasion because she knew how to be a major ***** when shewanted to ;)


Makes a lot of sense to me.

Flo, you are hinging this on the fact that your son is adopted, and yes, there
may be some adoption issues in there, but there may also be some basic "my mom
drives me ape-****" problems here too.

Try not to go into talks with him with this on your mind as "the problem."
Keep an open mind and open ears. Focus on behaviors -- his AND *yours*. For
instance, if he says, "I hate it when you say critical stuff about me or my
wife. You do it all the time," don't slough that off as "He resents me for
speaking my mind because I'm not his biological mother" or "If I were his
biological mother, he'd accept me as I am." That, quite simply, probably isn't
true. Many adult parents and child dyads have to find that balance between
"child" and "fellow adult", and change their interactions accordingly.
Instead, *hear* what he is saying, and think about modifying your behavior.

I'll write more later-- got a game to go to!

Sheila

>> Hi,>> Sorry to have not been more clear in my post. My son recently wascontacted> by both Mom and Dad and found out they are very nice people. He went tovisit> his Mom on Thanksgiving and I had that holiday on Friday so that all thekids> could see their in-laws on Thursday. On Friday his wife who I havealways> liked and had a good relationship told me about a family problem and I> sympathized with her. I told her I could see she was visibly upset and I> noted her face was a little broken out which was most unusual. I trulydid> not mean anything when I said that - just thought I was validating her> sadness. I then asked her a few very benign questions about the visit -I> said I hoped I would always be his number one Mom, asked what her housewas> like and I think that was. My son came up to me about an hour later andasked> me if I was finished being mean to his wife. I believe it was because I> mentioned the blemishes. He also told me I interrogated her. I justblewup> and said he enjoyed upsetting me which I truly believe was true. Theythen> left. I have always blamed myself as not being the Mom he wanted. Nowthat> he has met his bio-mom I guess she is a more appealing individual. I am> crushed but that is generally what happens. He does not leave but hegetsa> couple of digs in and I accept them.>> Thank You and May God Bless You>Sounds ever so much like the ups and downs of ordinary family life to me.Not a lot of evidence to say you were "not being the Mom he wanted" or thathe thinks your mothering "wasn't good enough". But unfortunately it seemsfairly typical of how some adoptive mums feel, usually without anyjustification, when sons seek out their birth families.I agree - In fact she echoed quite a view things that I've heard from my ownamum, though long before I even thought about a reunion. More than once Iheard, "You just resent me because I'm not your real mother". Actually Ijustresented her on occasion because she knew how to be a major ***** when shewanted to ;)Makes a lot of sense to me.Flo, you are hinging this on the fact that your son is adopted, and yes,theremay be some adoption issues in there, but there may also be some basic "mymomdrives me ape-****" problems here too.Try not to go into talks with him with this on your mind as "the problem."Keep an open mind and open ears. Focus on behaviors -- his AND *yours*. Forinstance, if he says, "I hate it when you say critical stuff about me or mywife. You do it all the time," don't slough that off as "He resents me forspeaking my mind because I'm not his biological mother" or "If I were hisbiological mother, he'd accept me as I am." That, quite simply, probablyisn'ttrue. Many adult parents and child dyads have to find that balance between"child" and "fellow adult", and change their interactions accordingly.Instead, *hear* what he is saying, and think about modifying your behavior.


Good advice. Also, do you think your son might resent your bringing up the
reunion (even if peripherally) with his wife rather than talking directly with
him? Maybe they thought you were fishing for information about the reunion? I
think I've read some adoptees complaining about the talk-to-me-not-my-spouse
thing before.



Roberta
mom to Juliette, 7, adopted from China