New poster here -

49 year old adoptee who has been rejected by b'mother because no knows about
me. Personally contacted her sister who was very receptive, but aunt was told
by b'mother to have nothing to do with me as the big secret may escape the bag.


I was told this thread had some 'rejected' adoptees who have experienced same.
Just throwin' my hat into the ring.

Thanks.

DMC

Hi new poster. Yes you will find some current discussion going on here about
the issues of reunion and situations such as yours. Sorry it happened to you
and welcome. Kathy J
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Subject: Re: Just for the recordFrom: dmc10709@aol.com (Dmc10709)Date: 11/4/2003
New poster here -

<top reply>

DMC,
Do you know if you have brothers and sisters... in your *other* family, I mean?
If you do, I think you have every right to find, AND contact, them. Or any
other family members. You shouldn't have to BE some dark secret.. that's
bull****. 'Course, I'm one to talk. I have yet to contact my own brother who
doesn't know anything about me. Just call me chicken-****. It fits.
Seriously, I do think your mother owes you recognition. Big time. Good luck.


From: dmc10709@aol.com (Dmc10709)New poster here -49 year old adoptee who has been rejected by b'mother because no knows aboutme. Personally contacted her sister who was very receptive, but aunt wastoldby b'mother to have nothing to do with me as the big secret may escape thebag.I was told this thread had some 'rejected' adoptees who have experiencedsame.Just throwin' my hat into the ring.Thanks.DMC

On 05 Nov 2003 00:42:22 GMT, dmc10709@aol.com (Dmc10709) wrote:
New poster here -49 year old adoptee who has been rejected by b'mother because no knows aboutme. Personally contacted her sister who was very receptive, but aunt was toldby b'mother to have nothing to do with me as the big secret may escape the bag.

Welcome to the group..

This must be very difficult for you..
I was told this thread had some 'rejected' adoptees who have experienced same.Just throwin' my hat into the ring.

Understanding is the way out of this .. IMO

Do you know why your nmom does not want to talk about you?

Jackie

>Subject: Re: Just for the recordFrom: dmc10709@aol.com (Dmc10709)Date: 11/4/03 5:42 PM Mountain Standard TimeMessage-id: <20031104194222.18082.00000350@mb-m05.aol.com>New poster here -49 year old adoptee who has been rejected by b'mother because no knows aboutme. Personally contacted her sister who was very receptive, but aunt wastoldby b'mother to have nothing to do with me as the big secret may escape thebag.

Ugh. Nice to see you posting. I'm sure Rupa will be along with your asbestos
undies any time now. LOL

In article <20031104194222.18082.00000350@mb-m05.aol.com>, Dmc10709 says...New poster here -49 year old adoptee who has been rejected by b'mother because no knows aboutme. Personally contacted her sister who was very receptive, but aunt was toldby b'mother to have nothing to do with me as the big secret may escape the bag.

Ouch! Wow, that's worse than my situation. Sorry to hear it :(
I was told this thread had some 'rejected' adoptees who have experienced same.Just throwin' my hat into the ring.

My situation's a bit different (though no one knows about me except my bmom and
her parents). My bmom and I have been writing back and forth after an initial
rough patch (I asked too many questions and she requested that I back off), but
for every four letters I've written, I've gotten one from her.

I recently wrote her again suggesting that it was time we finally met in person.
If she says no, I'm going to stop writing - not out of spite but because it
doesn't seem like this situation is going anywhere and I can't be bothered.

Frankly, I think she'd be relieved ;/

Robyn
Resident Witchypoo & EAC Spellcaster
#1557

>Do you know why your nmom does not want to talk about you?Jackie

I do not exist. If she doesn't acknowledge me then I really do not exist. She
called once to tell me that no one knows about me and that that is the way it's
going to stay. She talked to me like she was ordering a new dishwasher - no
emotion, no nothing.

>I recently wrote her again suggesting that it was time we finally met inperson.If she says no, I'm going to stop writing - not out of spite but because itdoesn't seem like this situation is going anywhere and I can't be bothered.Frankly, I think she'd be relieved ;/

I've heard the same from others my age. Mine is frantic her daughters will
find out about me - they are also in their forties. I was told by b'aunt that
they would be thrilled to meet me. I'm very reluctant to barge in and 'out'
myself to her daughters - I'm debating with myself on what to do about that. I
was very much received by b'mother's sister and brother, but b'mother pulled
the reins in and now no one is 'allowed' to have anything to do with me.
B'aunt recently wrote me a letter saying how much she'd like to keep in touch,
but cannot because of her sister's directives. I agree with this poster - I
think b'mother would be so relieved if she just fessed up and lifted that
burden.

DMC

In article <20031105100541.10454.00000264@mb-m10.aol.com>, Dmc10709 says...I recently wrote her again suggesting that it was time we finally met inperson.If she says no, I'm going to stop writing - not out of spite but because itdoesn't seem like this situation is going anywhere and I can't be bothered.Frankly, I think she'd be relieved ;/I've heard the same from others my age. Mine is frantic her daughters willfind out about me - they are also in their forties. I was told by b'aunt thatthey would be thrilled to meet me. I'm very reluctant to barge in and 'out'myself to her daughters - I'm debating with myself on what to do about that.

I agree with you - I have a half-bro and a half-sib. I'd love to meet them
someday, but not at my bmom's expense.

Iwas very much received by b'mother's sister and brother, but b'mother pulledthe reins in and now no one is 'allowed' to have anything to do with me.

Well, you know, everyone here is an adult. While I understand her sister
respecting your bmom, she doesn't have to do what she says either. For
instance, how would your bmom know if her sister wrote you?
B'aunt recently wrote me a letter saying how much she'd like to keep in touch,but cannot because of her sister's directives. I agree with this poster - Ithink b'mother would be so relieved if she just fessed up and lifted thatburden.

I agree to that too - That's sort of what I'm wondering/hoping my letter will
trigger in my bmom. That she'll finally just say, "Oh, let's just get this over
with", have a family meeting and tell everyone about me. That's a nice fantasy,
but probably not what's going to happen. I hope we'll get to meet face-to-face
once in our lives, but that's also highly unlikely.

Robyn
Resident Witchypoo & EAC Spellcaster
#1557

In article <20031105095727.10454.00000262@mb-m10.aol.com>, Dmc10709 says...Do you know why your nmom does not want to talk about you?JackieI do not exist. If she doesn't acknowledge me then I really do not exist. Shecalled once to tell me that no one knows about me and that that is the way it'sgoing to stay. She talked to me like she was ordering a new dishwasher - noemotion, no nothing.

Wow, I am so sorry to hear that :(

At least my bmom was a bit more compassionate about requesting that I stop
asking questions and respect her privacy. Almost apologetic, actually.

Robyn
Resident Witchypoo & EAC Spellcaster
#1557

>Subject: Re: Just for the recordFrom: dmc10709@aol.com (Dmc10709)Date: 11/5/03 7:05 AM Pacific Standard TimeMessage-id: <20031105100541.10454.00000264@mb-m10.aol.com>I recently wrote her again suggesting that it was time we finally met inperson.If she says no, I'm going to stop writing - not out of spite but because itdoesn't seem like this situation is going anywhere and I can't be bothered.Frankly, I think she'd be relieved ;/I've heard the same from others my age. Mine is frantic her daughters willfind out about me - they are also in their forties. I was told by b'auntthatthey would be thrilled to meet me. I'm very reluctant to barge in and 'out'myself to her daughters - I'm debating with myself on what to do about that.Iwas very much received by b'mother's sister and brother, but b'mother pulledthe reins in and now no one is 'allowed' to have anything to do with me.B'aunt recently wrote me a letter saying how much she'd like to keep intouch,but cannot because of her sister's directives. I agree with this poster - Ithink b'mother would be so relieved if she just fessed up and lifted thatburden.DMC

Perhaps this is true.

Ok, you have two choices...Do not contact your siblings, respecting your
bmother's secret, or contact them. Knowing a bit about your situation from the
Aol forum...I'd say you have given your bmom more than enough time to come
around. You have a right to know your bsiblings, and they have a right to know
about you.

I voter for the latter..contact your bsiblings...I am assuming your bmom is
getting on in age.. 60-s or 70-s?
If you decide to reach out to your siblings, I would write your baunt and tell
her this. You don't need anyone's permission but your own to take this step but
it might get your baunt to prepare your bmom to out herself to her daughters
before you do.

Good luck, dmc.



Kathy
"To err is human; to forgive, divine."

>Subject: Re: Just for the recordFrom: dmc10709@aol.com (Dmc10709)Date: 11/5/03 6:57 AM Pacific Standard TimeMessage-id: <20031105095727.10454.00000262@mb-m10.aol.com>Do you know why your nmom does not want to talk about you?JackieI do not exist. If she doesn't acknowledge me then I really do not exist.Shecalled once to tell me that no one knows about me and that that is the wayit'sgoing to stay. She talked to me like she was ordering a new dishwasher - noemotion, no nothing.
Have you gotten info on your siblings from this aunt?

My personal opinion is to circumvent your birthmother to find your siblings.
Hopefully a search angel can do that. AOL search boards have gone south,
unfortunately, but if you ask around enough there (boards and chat), someone
will know a search angel who works in Ky.

I'm sorry your birthmother has taken this approach. I don't think she has the
right to be this way. I believe she owes you a certain amount of information,
and explanation. She most certainly has no right to decide herself who her
adult children know and don't know. They deserve to know they have a sibling.
In addition, I don't care what the circumstances of conception and
relinquishment were at the time, your bfather (should you desire to know more
about him) deserves to know of you as well.

I hope she sees the error of her ways sooner, rather than later.
Kathy, born Renee Karyn Racine

Permanent good can never be the outcome of untruth and violence.
--Mahatma Gandhi
Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive
at that goal.
--Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

lilmtncbn@aol.comnospam (LilMtnCbn) wrote Ugh. Nice to see you posting. I'm sure Rupa will be along with your asbestos undies any time now. LOL


On demand!

Our new line: Flak jackets.
Together with instant coffee in a styrofoam cup, with saccharin.

Rupa
(Aren't you glad our welcome wagon is virtual?)

>She talked to me like she was ordering a new dishwasher - noemotion, no nothing.Wow, I am so sorry to hear that :(

Amazed me. After 49 years after relinquishment you'd think there'd be one iota
of emotion - nothing.

In article <20031105202320.05505.00000347@mb-m26.aol.com>, Dmc10709 says...She talked to me like she was ordering a new dishwasher - noemotion, no nothing.Wow, I am so sorry to hear that :(Amazed me. After 49 years after relinquishment you'd think there'd be one iotaof emotion - nothing.

<sigh> Well, while I got the "emotional" part, I'm still a well-kept secret ;/

Robyn
Resident Witchypoo & EAC Spellcaster
#1557

On 06 Nov 2003 01:23:20 GMT, dmc10709@aol.com (Dmc10709) wrote:
She talked to me like she was ordering a new dishwasher - noemotion, no nothing.Wow, I am so sorry to hear that :(Amazed me. After 49 years after relinquishment you'd think there'd be one iotaof emotion - nothing.

Your situation sound pretty hellish and I'm sorry to hear it's this
way for you.

One thing you might consider: 49 years of silence and secret keeping
is a powerful and effective way to kill emotions. How does someone
suddenly access feelings that they have spent nearly five decades
pushing down? It may be that after so many years of silencing any
feelings she has about you, she can no longer feel anything at all.

That's not to condone it, I don't condone it. I think it sucks for
both of you. It also doesn't mean that she'll never feel any other
way because she might. It's just one perspective to think about and
maybe understand her in a different way than you do now.

GR

>It may be that after so many years of silencing anyfeelings she has about you, she can no longer feel anything at all.

Good deduction. She sure didn't sound like she felt anything - stone cold.

On 05 Nov 2003 14:57:27 GMT, dmc10709@aol.com (Dmc10709) wrote:
Do you know why your nmom does not want to talk about you?JackieI do not exist. If she doesn't acknowledge me then I really do not exist.

She is very deep in the closet..
Shecalled once to tell me that no one knows about me and that that is the way it'sgoing to stay. She talked to me like she was ordering a new dishwasher - noemotion, no nothing.

Emotions are not allowed in the closet..

Crying is not allowed.. Asking for help is not allowed.
Some never forget that lesson.


Jackie

>Subject: Re: Just for the recordFrom: Jackie jdajda@newsguy.comDate: 11/7/03 11:27 AM Pacific Standard TimeMessage-id: <t6snqv04qn9nisbd6jkdc2vrvobr4f5pem@4ax.com>On 05 Nov 2003 14:57:27 GMT, dmc10709@aol.com (Dmc10709) wrote:Do you know why your nmom does not want to talk about you?JackieI do not exist. If she doesn't acknowledge me then I really do not exist.She is very deep in the closet.. Shecalled once to tell me that no one knows about me and that that is the wayit'sgoing to stay. She talked to me like she was ordering a new dishwasher - noemotion, no nothing.Emotions are not allowed in the closet..Crying is not allowed.. Asking for help is not allowed.Some never forget that lesson.Jackie

And some never stop talking for other bmoms.

Will you ever just STFU?



Kathy
"To err is human; to forgive, divine."

>Subject: Re: Just for the recordFrom: meagan787@aol.comsthesun (Kathy)Date: 11/7/03 1:29 PM Pacific Standard TimeMessage-id: <20031107162953.23470.00000216@mb-m24.aol.com>Subject: Re: Just for the recordFrom: Jackie jdajda@newsguy.comDate: 11/7/03 11:27 AM Pacific Standard TimeMessage-id: <t6snqv04qn9nisbd6jkdc2vrvobr4f5pem@4ax.com>On 05 Nov 2003 14:57:27 GMT, dmc10709@aol.com (Dmc10709) wrote:>Do you know why your nmom does not want to talk about you?>>Jackie>I do not exist. If she doesn't acknowledge me then I really do not exist.She is very deep in the closet.. Shecalled once to tell me that no one knows about me and that that is the wayit'sgoing to stay. She talked to me like she was ordering a new dishwasher -noemotion, no nothing.Emotions are not allowed in the closet..Crying is not allowed.. Asking for help is not allowed.Some never forget that lesson.JackieAnd some never stop talking for other bmoms.Will you ever just STFU?

Sure she will, when GR isn't here to fight her battles for her.

My question is, when is she going to stop posturing for GR? It's nauseating!

Kathy"To err is human; to forgive, divine."

Kathy, born Renee Karyn Racine

Permanent good can never be the outcome of untruth and violence.
--Mahatma Gandhi
Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive
at that goal.
--Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

On 07 Nov 2003 04:17:53 GMT, dmc10709@aol.com (Dmc10709) wrote:
It may be that after so many years of silencing anyfeelings she has about you, she can no longer feel anything at all.Good deduction.She sure didn't sound like she felt anything - stone cold.

A tough hit to take for you, that's for sure. It sucks, and there's
no sugar-coating that fact. I hope there will be some change in this
situation for both of you. The most encouraging thing I can tell you
is that nmoms sometimes come back from that place.

GR

>The most encouraging thing I can tell youis that nmoms sometimes come back from that place.GR

Thanks for the encouraging word - appreciate it.