>Subject: Re: Just for the recordFrom: GR gragain@earthlink.netDate: 11/1/2003
I thinkthey should tell her they're not going to respect her wishes in thisany longer and why. Then, imo, they should go ahead and get whateverinformation or make any contact they feel is needed, in whatever isthe most useful and reliable way to do it.No secrets, no bull****, just do things as decently as you can.GR

I didn't take this step before writing my siblings and wonder what would have
happened if I had. The reason that I did not was because I feared my birthmoms
reaction. My thinking was when she saw that her children did not judge her
then she would be all better but that didn't happen.

I still do not know whether or not I made the right choice by not telling her.
Might she have done something horrible out of fear and worry that it was
happening?
I think Jackie's attempt to shed some light on the dynamics of this type of
birth/new mom is important.

Kathy J

On 02 Nov 2003 22:32:53 GMT, tmnkat@aol.com (Tm n Kat) wrote:
I still do not know whether or not I made the right choice by not telling her.Might she have done something horrible out of fear and worry that it washappening?

I think you did the very best you could..

I just think you came up to a brick wall.. And I hate that you did..

I think Jackie's attempt to shed some light on the dynamics of this type ofbirth/new mom is important.

God bless you Kathy..

Jackie

On 02 Nov 2003 22:32:53 GMT, tmnkat@aol.com (Tm n Kat) wrote:
Subject: Re: Just for the recordFrom: GR gragain@earthlink.netDate: 11/1/2003I thinkthey should tell her they're not going to respect her wishes in thisany longer and why. Then, imo, they should go ahead and get whateverinformation or make any contact they feel is needed, in whatever isthe most useful and reliable way to do it.No secrets, no bull****, just do things as decently as you can.GRI didn't take this step before writing my siblings and wonder what would havehappened if I had.

Who can say? It may have helped, it may have made things worse,
there's no way to know.
The reason that I did not was because I feared my birthmomsreaction.

I understand what you're saying, but I think it's still an obligation
of the person doing the contacting to be up-front about it. I'm not
sure that your fear of her reaction, while totally understandable,
actually gave you the option not to tell her what you were going to do
to her. But you know, people have to go with their gut in these
situations and 'the proper ethical path' is not always going to fall
in line with what someone's gut is telling them they have to do.
My thinking was when she saw that her children did not judge herthen she would be all better but that didn't happen.

Oy. Well, your motive was laudable, and understandable, but
still..... Oy.
I still do not know whether or not I made the right choice by not telling her.

I dunno. No one really knows. You made the choice you made and it
appears that you made it without any intent to do harm.
Might she have done something horrible out of fear and worry that it washappening?

I don't know and no one can really know, but it's decent of you to
understand that it could happen and worry about it. It's always
possible that when faced with an ultimatum, someone trapped in the
closet might do harm to themselves because they just can't face it
after all these years. That would be on them and not on you - and
it's worth noting that fact.
I think Jackie's attempt to shed some light on the dynamics of this type ofbirth/new mom is important.

Yep. As do I. It's easier, and I suppose less taxing on one's brain,
to jump up and down, red-faced, pointing fingers at Jackie (or me, if
recent posts are any indication) and shrieking "Bad, bad, victim!"
But it's of very little real value to any discussion and doesn't show
much intelligence on the part of the shrieker.

GR

My fear was that my telling her would put her over the edge but I was pretty
sure if she found out after the fact she would be pissed but it wouldn't be
life threatening.
I don't know, maybe I really didn't know her or give her credit for being
internally stronger than I thought she was. What you say about an obglitation
to be up front is probably the right thing to do. Personally, I'm not so sure
that I would want a warning. Kathy J
Subject: Re: Just for the recordFrom: GR gragain@earthlink.netDate: 11/4/2003
I understand what you're saying, but I think it's still an obligationof the person doing the contacting to be up-front about it. I'm notsure that your fear of her reaction, while totally understandable,actually gave you the option not to tell her what you were going to doto her.

On 05 Nov 2003 02:10:05 GMT, tmnkat@aol.com (Tm n Kat) wrote:
I don't know, maybe I really didn't know her or give her credit for beinginternally stronger than I thought she was. What you say about an obglitationto be up front is probably the right thing to do. Personally, I'm not so surethat I would want a warning. Kathy J


When the trauma happens. You either suck it up and get on with it or
you fall apart..

Falling apart was not an option for me.. That would have been a
luxury..

When I could not handle emotional trauma I knew I was getting better.


Jackie

On 05 Nov 2003 02:10:05 GMT, tmnkat@aol.com (Tm n Kat) wrote:
Subject: Re: Just for the recordFrom: GR gragain@earthlink.netDate: 11/4/2003I understand what you're saying, but I think it's still an obligationof the person doing the contacting to be up-front about it. I'm notsure that your fear of her reaction, while totally understandable,actually gave you the option not to tell her what you were going to doto her.

My fear was that my telling her would put her over the edge

Yeah, I saw that and I think it's valid. But it's on her far more
than, you know? Still, very kind of you to consider that possibility.
but I was prettysure if she found out after the fact she would be pissed but it wouldn't belife threatening.

Yep. I think I was reacting more to the idea of someone (not you)
avoiding being straightforward regarding what they were going to do,
because they were afraid the recipient of the news would be pissed
off. That, in and of itself, isn't enough reason not to be up-front
about it, imo.
I don't know, maybe I really didn't know her or give her credit for beinginternally stronger than I thought she was.

Maybe so. I don't know. In the state of not knowing, which was your
reality at the time, it was your call to make and you did the best you
could.
What you say about an obglitationto be up front is probably the right thing to do. Personally, I'm not so surethat I would want a warning.

I know, I know, there are a thousand ways to go with it and the people
involved ultimately have to be the ones to figure it out. I think it
matters that people go into it with every intention, every focus, on
being totally up-front about everything. That's the perspective, then
you see what reality actually brings you.

Btw, I'm still confused regarding all the Kathys here. Sorry. I'll
get better at differentiating them/you soon.

GR