LilMtnCbn
10-31-2003, 07:17 AM
http://www.guardian.co.uk/g2/story/0,3604,1074631,00.html
Friday October 31, 2003
The Guardian
I was adopted as a baby and did not have a particularly happy childhood. My
adoptive mother died when I was young, my adoptive father remarried very
quickly afterwards, and I never found my stepmother a very warm person.
I have now been reunited with my birth mother and we get on very well. Ever
since I was a teenager, I always hoped I would be able to have babies of my
own. Some years ago I gave birth to twins prematurely, but they did not
survive. Since then I have lost another two pregnancies in the first trimester.
It is now looking unlikely that I will ever have another pregnancy.
My partner and I are thinking of becoming adoptive parents, though my own
experience of being an adopted child makes me wary of this. I have a successful
career and a loving partner but I cannot come to terms with what has happened
to me. Is it possible to lose a baby and go on to form a happy adoptive family?
I also find it incredibly hard to be around women who are expecting, to the
point where I avoid friends and family when they are pregnant. How do I cope
with these feelings?
Responses:
Break the pattern
I have one biological child and two adopted from overseas. I also have several
friends with adopted children, and all of these children are greatly loved and
were desperately wanted. You need to feel positive to adopt, so consider having
some counselling to get over your childhood experiences. Your own unhappy
upbringing should inspire you to give any child you have a totally different
experience. Start looking into adoption and getting information on available
children.
You feel negatively towards others who are pregnant a the moment, because we
always want something more when it is out of our reach. You will feel
differently when you have your own child - whether you adopt or conceive
naturally.
If you eventually decide not to go down the route of adoption, get involved
with youngsters in other positive ways by volunteering with children in need
such as homeless teens. There are so many other fulfilments in life besides
producing a child.
JST, by email
--------------------------------
Don't lose hope
You say that it is unlikely that you will have another pregnancy but you do not
say why. After a stillbirth, miscarriages and the loss of premature twins, one
of whom survived for a month, I also felt my situation was hopeless and thought
long and hard about giving up and trying to adopt.
I found it painful to be around pregnant women and young babies, especially if
they were twins. I decided to try again and my next two pregnancies were
successful. I am now the proud mother of a 21-year-old girl and a 14-year-old
boy - something that I had not believed to be possible.
My advice to you is to try again for another pregnancy, if you can, because
each one is different. With histories like ours, motherhood, whether adoptive
or natural, is never going to be easy on the emotions. A life without it would,
however, be much worse. Whether you try again for another baby or decide to
adopt, I believe it is possible for you to find happiness and to learn to live
with your feelings of loss, as I have done.
Name and address witheld
-----------------------------
Deal with your losses first
You have had a lot to come to terms with. It is no wonder that you are
struggling. The solution at this stage is not adoption.
To adopt you need to be emotionally robust - the assessment process is
challenging enough, and this is just the start of a lifelong commitment. All
adopted children have all experienced a profound sense of loss, and this is a
powerful and destructive emotion. Unless you have dealt with your own losses,
you will not be able to help your adopted child manage their feelings.
You owe it to yourself and your child to get some help with this before
becoming a parent. You have a loving partner, and you can also call on your
friends and family to help you through this difficult time; if necessary get
some professional help.
Name and address withheld
----------------------
Your response is vital
You clearly had a difficult childhood and losing your adoptive mother at a
young age would have been devastating for you.
However, like anybody who has had a difficult childhood, it is how you deal
with these difficult experiences that will ultimately determine whether you
will go on to be a successful parent to your own children.
Name and address withheld
Friday October 31, 2003
The Guardian
I was adopted as a baby and did not have a particularly happy childhood. My
adoptive mother died when I was young, my adoptive father remarried very
quickly afterwards, and I never found my stepmother a very warm person.
I have now been reunited with my birth mother and we get on very well. Ever
since I was a teenager, I always hoped I would be able to have babies of my
own. Some years ago I gave birth to twins prematurely, but they did not
survive. Since then I have lost another two pregnancies in the first trimester.
It is now looking unlikely that I will ever have another pregnancy.
My partner and I are thinking of becoming adoptive parents, though my own
experience of being an adopted child makes me wary of this. I have a successful
career and a loving partner but I cannot come to terms with what has happened
to me. Is it possible to lose a baby and go on to form a happy adoptive family?
I also find it incredibly hard to be around women who are expecting, to the
point where I avoid friends and family when they are pregnant. How do I cope
with these feelings?
Responses:
Break the pattern
I have one biological child and two adopted from overseas. I also have several
friends with adopted children, and all of these children are greatly loved and
were desperately wanted. You need to feel positive to adopt, so consider having
some counselling to get over your childhood experiences. Your own unhappy
upbringing should inspire you to give any child you have a totally different
experience. Start looking into adoption and getting information on available
children.
You feel negatively towards others who are pregnant a the moment, because we
always want something more when it is out of our reach. You will feel
differently when you have your own child - whether you adopt or conceive
naturally.
If you eventually decide not to go down the route of adoption, get involved
with youngsters in other positive ways by volunteering with children in need
such as homeless teens. There are so many other fulfilments in life besides
producing a child.
JST, by email
--------------------------------
Don't lose hope
You say that it is unlikely that you will have another pregnancy but you do not
say why. After a stillbirth, miscarriages and the loss of premature twins, one
of whom survived for a month, I also felt my situation was hopeless and thought
long and hard about giving up and trying to adopt.
I found it painful to be around pregnant women and young babies, especially if
they were twins. I decided to try again and my next two pregnancies were
successful. I am now the proud mother of a 21-year-old girl and a 14-year-old
boy - something that I had not believed to be possible.
My advice to you is to try again for another pregnancy, if you can, because
each one is different. With histories like ours, motherhood, whether adoptive
or natural, is never going to be easy on the emotions. A life without it would,
however, be much worse. Whether you try again for another baby or decide to
adopt, I believe it is possible for you to find happiness and to learn to live
with your feelings of loss, as I have done.
Name and address witheld
-----------------------------
Deal with your losses first
You have had a lot to come to terms with. It is no wonder that you are
struggling. The solution at this stage is not adoption.
To adopt you need to be emotionally robust - the assessment process is
challenging enough, and this is just the start of a lifelong commitment. All
adopted children have all experienced a profound sense of loss, and this is a
powerful and destructive emotion. Unless you have dealt with your own losses,
you will not be able to help your adopted child manage their feelings.
You owe it to yourself and your child to get some help with this before
becoming a parent. You have a loving partner, and you can also call on your
friends and family to help you through this difficult time; if necessary get
some professional help.
Name and address withheld
----------------------
Your response is vital
You clearly had a difficult childhood and losing your adoptive mother at a
young age would have been devastating for you.
However, like anybody who has had a difficult childhood, it is how you deal
with these difficult experiences that will ultimately determine whether you
will go on to be a successful parent to your own children.
Name and address withheld
