I found my mother last year. It was amazing, and I seemed to have
helped her as much as anything. She had me at 13 and was put in a
Catholic children's home and treated like dirt by the nuns (there
should be something set up to compensate the many woemn in this
position). She'd been adopted herself, and I don't think her dad, a
child psychologist, had any option but to surrender her to the home.
We've been close, I thought, for the last year, but I'm sure she's
given up on me now. It's not going to kill me, I'm 32; but I suppose a
bit of feedback from adoptees and mothers alike would be of value. I
have written to her twice since our last meeting and rung her once. I
can't approach her again unprompted because I don't want any reluctant
acquaintances. The next move needed to be hers, and it's been a long
time. Perhaps she's found she can only bond with me when I'm there and
life swallows her up when I'm not. When we've parted at the station
we've both been really affected, and the first time she sent lots of
txts saying that it felt like losing me again as she did when I was 6
weeks old, though overall it's not like she meant it's too traumatic.
She's often said when we've been together, "You can't know hoe much
this means to me," etc, and we've had some tender times. Apparently
she thought about me every day and always got upset around my
birthday, in the 31 year interim.
I think this will affect how I approach love in my adult life and
might make me slightly inclined towards bloody-minded sabotage of
anything good that develops.
Because I'm not selfish I'm willing to share any views about other
aspects of the issue with anyone who's curious, again adoptees and
mothers alike.
It was so fantastic to meet her, this tiny woman who i felt I'd like
to protect as she might have towards me when i was born - I can hardly
believe that it would come to nothing. She is not well. say, she dies
in 5 or 10 years - will she want me back when she's on her deathbed,
and will this be messy - that's what goes through my mind.
Also it's a mystery why her dad, who I spoke to on the phone and wrote
to once, hoping he'd put us in touch, kept us apart. He died in 1997
without bringing it up. Mum was never told. A shortage in acumen for a
child psychologist....
Thanks for all replies, as welcome through e'mail as posting, though
personal e'mails should be sent to frankwakeman[then the at sign]
yahoo dot co dot uk

"Lee W" <also_ran50@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:75157959.0309250142.1b0b371d@posting.google.c om... I found my mother last year. It was amazing, and I seemed to have helped her as much as anything. She had me at 13 and was put in a Catholic children's home and treated like dirt by the nuns (there should be something set up to compensate the many woemn in this position). She'd been adopted herself, and I don't think her dad, a child psychologist, had any option but to surrender her to the home. We've been close, I thought, for the last year, but I'm sure she's given up on me now. It's not going to kill me, I'm 32; but I suppose a bit of feedback from adoptees and mothers alike would be of value. I have written to her twice since our last meeting and rung her once. I can't approach her again unprompted because I don't want any reluctant acquaintances. The next move needed to be hers, and it's been a long time. Perhaps she's found she can only bond with me when I'm there and life swallows her up when I'm not. When we've parted at the station we've both been really affected, and the first time she sent lots of txts saying that it felt like losing me again as she did when I was 6 weeks old, though overall it's not like she meant it's too traumatic. She's often said when we've been together, "You can't know hoe much this means to me," etc, and we've had some tender times. Apparently she thought about me every day and always got upset around my birthday, in the 31 year interim. I think this will affect how I approach love in my adult life and might make me slightly inclined towards bloody-minded sabotage of anything good that develops. Because I'm not selfish I'm willing to share any views about other aspects of the issue with anyone who's curious, again adoptees and mothers alike. It was so fantastic to meet her, this tiny woman who i felt I'd like to protect as she might have towards me when i was born - I can hardly believe that it would come to nothing. She is not well. say, she dies in 5 or 10 years - will she want me back when she's on her deathbed, and will this be messy - that's what goes through my mind. Also it's a mystery why her dad, who I spoke to on the phone and wrote to once, hoping he'd put us in touch, kept us apart. He died in 1997 without bringing it up. Mum was never told. A shortage in acumen for a child psychologist.... Thanks for all replies, as welcome through e'mail as posting, though personal e'mails should be sent to frankwakeman[then the at sign] yahoo dot co dot uk

I'm not a mom or someone who's put someone up for adoption. However when I
was very young my girlfriend got pregnant. Scared the hell out of me. I
would have done whatever she told me to do and she said she wanted to get
rid of it. I was relieved being the young dumb kid. However that was 20
years ago and even though we never even had the child it still bothers me to
my surprise. And I don't jus think of it once or twice a year. I've thought
about it many many many times all year long for the last 20 years and it
breaks my heart every time. I will forever wonder what life would have been
like and what the child would have been like.

I can't even imagine what its like for someone to have to give up a child
and at that age that is what it must appear like - something that you don't
have a choice in. Only later in life when we 'grow up' do we understand that
the choice was always ours. And if she had it and then had to give the child
up - I shutter to think. Then later on a women told me that her child might
be mine and she won't let me find out (long story) and that kills me. I've
even seen this girl from time to time and even though I don't know if she's
mine I feel it hurt. Worse yet - I was walking up from a distance and saw
this young girl (teenager) and thought "Wow. Why didn't we have girls like
that when I was in high shcool." - turned out to be her. Now **that** is
scary. I really need to get contact lenses.

Sorry this is off topic a bit but I wanted to let you know what it's like to
be one step further away from the reality your mother faces. And even back
here in the cheap seats its painful. I have zero doubt that she hasn't
stoppped thinking about you from day one and has most likely thought about
you every day since, or a least almost every day.

Good luck. I hope it all works out

Anonymous

In message <75157959.0309250142.1b0b371d@posting.google.com>, Lee W
<also_ran50@hotmail.com> writesI found my mother last year. It was amazing, and I seemed to havehelped her as much as anything. She had me at 13 and was put in aCatholic children's home and treated like dirt by the nuns (thereshould be something set up to compensate the many woemn in thisposition).
Why? Who'd provide the money? Who'd decide who got it? Who'd fix how
much a woman got? What percentage would be knocked off for 'contributory
negligence'? Etc, etc, etc. The idea is completely unmanageable and
unfinanceable. In any case, why would you think any amount of money
would cure or compensate what the nuns did?
She'd been adopted herself, and I don't think her dad, achild psychologist, had any option but to surrender her to the home.
Why didn't he have any option? Circumstances alter cases. And you
haven't stated the circumstances.
We've been close, I thought, for the last year, but I'm sure she'sgiven up on me now.
How much do you really know about the hassles of her life in the last
day, week, or month? Being 'close' doesn't have to involve constant
meeting. Some families do live in eachother's pockets, some don't.
It's not going to kill me, I'm 32; but I suppose abit of feedback from adoptees and mothers alike would be of value. Ihave written to her twice since our last meeting and rung her once. Ican't approach her again unprompted because I don't want any reluctantacquaintances. The next move needed to be hers, and it's been a longtime.
Maybe or maybe not. See above. You don't know what else is occupying her
mind and time.
Perhaps she's found she can only bond with me when I'm there
I doubt it.
andlife swallows her up when I'm not.
See above.
When we've parted at the stationwe've both been really affected, and the first time she sent lots oftxts saying that it felt like losing me again as she did when I was 6weeks old, though overall it's not like she meant it's too traumatic.She's often said when we've been together, "You can't know hoe muchthis means to me," etc, and we've had some tender times. Apparentlyshe thought about me every day and always got upset around mybirthday, in the 31 year interim.
Then why not hang onto these thoughts? They are not the sort of
statements of somebody who doesn't give a damn.
I think this will affect how I approach love in my adult life andmight make me slightly inclined towards bloody-minded sabotage ofanything good that develops.
Of course it will affect you. So what? Everybody's life experience
affects how they enter into any new relationship. Why should your life
experience lead you 'towards bloody-minded sabotage of anything good'.
Even if your birthmother deserves tarring with a very filthy brush, why
should some entirely unrelated woman you have not yet met be tarred with
the same brush?
Because I'm not selfish I'm willing to share any views about otheraspects of the issue with anyone who's curious, again adoptees andmothers alike.It was so fantastic to meet her, this tiny woman who i felt I'd liketo protect as she might have towards me when i was born - I can hardlybelieve that it would come to nothing. She is not well. say, she diesin 5 or 10 years - will she want me back when she's on her deathbed,and will this be messy - that's what goes through my mind.
You are building bridges across a riverbed that hasn't got any water
flowing. Instead of getting in a twitch about hypotheticals, wait for
real events and react to them charitably.
Also it's a mystery why her dad, who I spoke to on the phone and wroteto once, hoping he'd put us in touch, kept us apart. He died in 1997without bringing it up. Mum was never told. A shortage in acumen for achild psychologist....
What leads you to draw that conclusion? He may have had very sound
reasons; or he may have none. You give no evidence either way.

Overall you are getting in a stew based on incomplete information and on
guesswork and assertions for which you have no evidence. Let things
happen in their own time, and react to the facts when they happen.

Don

(An adoptee whose mother managed the feat of abandoning him THREE times
but who himself found a woman to stay with - just 4 weeks short of 46
years today - and produced 5 kids with her, and they produced 11
grandkids so far. It can be done.)
--
Dr D P Moody, Ashwood, Exeter Cross, Liverton, Newton Abbot, Devon,
England TQ12 6EY
Tel: +44(0) 1626 821725 Fax: +44(0) 1626 824912

You're adopted, she was adopted ...

It may be helpful to read up on the lifelong issues associated with
adoption. url
http://www.adopting.org/silveroze/html/lifelong_issues_in_adoption.html
is a good start.

Good luck !



Lee W a écrit: I found my mother last year. It was amazing, and I seemed to have helped her as much as anything. She had me at 13 and was put in a Catholic children's home and treated like dirt by the nuns (there should be something set up to compensate the many woemn in this position). She'd been adopted herself, and I don't think her dad, a child psychologist, had any option but to surrender her to the home. We've been close, I thought, for the last year, but I'm sure she's given up on me now. It's not going to kill me, I'm 32; but I suppose a bit of feedback from adoptees and mothers alike would be of value. I have written to her twice since our last meeting and rung her once. I can't approach her again unprompted because I don't want any reluctant acquaintances. The next move needed to be hers, and it's been a long time. Perhaps she's found she can only bond with me when I'm there and life swallows her up when I'm not. When we've parted at the station we've both been really affected, and the first time she sent lots of txts saying that it felt like losing me again as she did when I was 6 weeks old, though overall it's not like she meant it's too traumatic. She's often said when we've been together, "You can't know hoe much this means to me," etc, and we've had some tender times. Apparently she thought about me every day and always got upset around my birthday, in the 31 year interim. I think this will affect how I approach love in my adult life and might make me slightly inclined towards bloody-minded sabotage of anything good that develops. Because I'm not selfish I'm willing to share any views about other aspects of the issue with anyone who's curious, again adoptees and mothers alike. It was so fantastic to meet her, this tiny woman who i felt I'd like to protect as she might have towards me when i was born - I can hardly believe that it would come to nothing. She is not well. say, she dies in 5 or 10 years - will she want me back when she's on her deathbed, and will this be messy - that's what goes through my mind. Also it's a mystery why her dad, who I spoke to on the phone and wrote to once, hoping he'd put us in touch, kept us apart. He died in 1997 without bringing it up. Mum was never told. A shortage in acumen for a child psychologist.... Thanks for all replies, as welcome through e'mail as posting, though personal e'mails should be sent to frankwakeman[then the at sign] yahoo dot co dot uk