My attorney is recommending I settle for a 2-2-5 custody arrangement. My soon to be ex is abusive emotionally and verbally,he has been convicted of drug dealing and using and has had several extramarital affairs.

Our 5 year old son adores his father who is in fact, a great playmate but not responsible or financially dependable. I have been the providor for this family.

I was arrested for the 1st time in my life and the police found a controlled substance in my car. My ex without question put it there a few days before medition as he realized I wasn't going to give in to his 50-50 demand for custody of our son.

Once my charges are dropped for illegal search and seizure (my attorney assures they will be dropped),

1) Can I try to get full custody back?

2) wHAT DOES A 2-2-5 ARRANGEMENT ENTAIL?

He does not want to ahve to pay you any child support. So that is what this is really about. I think when you start to face that, then you will be able to tell your attorney how to prepare.

i do not understand what exactly this reponse menat, and im sorry i cant help you, but things are very confusing when it comes to spouses and children and abusers.... im sorry, i wish you luck

Split custody - 2-2-5-5

Begin with Monday, Tuesday for Mom,
then, Wednesday, Thursday for Dad,
then Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon, Tues for Mom,
then Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun for Dad.
Then start over.

Unless there are some MAJOR changes in the relationship between you and dad, this kind of arrangement is a very bad idea. Because of the constant back and forth, the parents have to be willing and able to talk frequently and make decisions regarding the child TOGETHER.

If your lawyer is trying to get you to agree to 2-2-5-5, fire them. Texas rarely strays for the SOP unless both parents come to an alternate agreement. The fact that the issue goes in front of the judge for a decision is enough to show that the parents aren't going to be able to get along well enough to make it work.

Your husband MAY be trying to use this to avoid paying child support. However, even in true 50/50 physical custody cases, child support could be ordered. If there is a huge difference in the parents incomes, many times a judge will go ahead and order that the wealthier parent pay support even though they each have the same amount of time with the child. The theory is that this allows the child to have the same standard of living that they are accustomed to in both households.

I have even seen a few cases, where the incomes are relatively equal and custody is 50/50, where one side has successfully argued that it is IMPOSSIBLE to have 50/50 custody. Texas describes a "day" as a 24 hour period beginning at 12am and ending at 11:59pm (which is pretty much how everyone else does). But they do not designate anything LESS then a day (ie - no HALF days). A standard year has 365 days and cannot be evenly divided between the parents (except during leap year).

What will a court find as sufficient cause to modify a 2-2-5 agreement. It has been a true nightmare for my 6 year old son. A grown salesperson could not keep this schedule so how does a court let this happen as such a tender age? The fundamental needs for a child his age incloude consistancy and structure is not possible when communication has all but ceased.

His father has made it very clear that I have no business or right to know of my son's wellbeing while he has possession. I also provide all the necessities our son has which is all encompasssing and include clothing, school supplies, medical care are just a few.

Last week, only 9 months after our divorce, my son told me his father is getting married. This is after months of his father refusing to admit he was dating . My son is very upset by his plans and I have reassured him the plans to marry does not mean his father no longer loves him. I know the fear my son feels as my mother also remarried.

I fired the attorney who suggested this custody arrangement and hired a new attorney. I am frustrated by our legal system and doubtful I will be given the chance to nurture my son as I should be allowed to do. I have spent hours reseraching legal cases but am not skilled to know how case law has addressed modification of a 2-2-5. Is it possible?

What will a court find as sufficient cause to modify a 2-2-5 agreement. It has been a true nightmare for my 6 year old son. A grown salesperson could not keep this schedule so how does a court let this happen as such a tender age? The fundamental needs for a child his age incloude consistancy and structure is not possible when communication has all but ceased.

His father has made it very clear that I have no business or right to know of my son's wellbeing while he has possession. I also provide all the necessities our son has which is all encompasssing and include clothing, school supplies, medical care are just a few.

Last week, only 9 months after our divorce, my son told me his father is getting married. This is after months of his father refusing to admit he was dating . My son is very upset by his plans and I have reassured him the plans to marry does not mean his father no longer loves him. I know the fear my son feels as my mother also remarried.

I fired the attorney who suggested this custody arrangement and hired a new attorney. I am frustrated by our legal system and doubtful I will be given the chance to nurture my son as I should be allowed to do. I have spent hours reseraching legal cases but am not skilled to know how case law has addressed modification of a 2-2-5. Is it possible?
Your other posts were back in Jan. since you are asking about a MODIFICATION of the custody AGREEMENT, does that mean that you did agree to the 2-2-5 agreement and it is now become a court order?

If it has, how long ago did the agreement become a court order?

Yes, I agreed under the suggestion of my attorney that the pending ossession charges might jeopardize custody altogether. The charges were dropped after the 2-2-5 became court ordered. Also, his father has done everything he can to create the image of me not being a good mother including reporting to CPS I left my son unserpvised. when in fact I had double ear infection an. It's been awfully hard on my son and seems to get worse each day as I have started to stand up against his abuse, which is usually by way of my son since he knows it hurts me most. My ex is narcissistic in every definition of the term.

Some examples include, falsely reporting me to CPS for not watching my son (who was in the front yard with neighbors as they were watching him while I was home with a double ear infection), telling me son details of our divorce and arguments which has distanced my son from me considerably, returning my son to me after his 5day possession with strep throat (4 times), depending on me to pick up my son from school when sick and then taking him from me after work on his nights of possession, getting speeding tickets twice this year of which was for driving over 100 mph while my son was in the car, teaching my son how to spin the bottle, allowing him to drink beer, keeping him up all hors of the night while his father played co-ed softball, and refusing to hear any concerns I have (like handling a firearm) at such an early age. I have been told repeatedly in front of my son that "it's not my business". He hasn't allowed me even 5 extra minutes extra on days of my possession and won't allow me to care for him after school since my work allows flexibility of my schedule....he'll make the poor child sit in an after school program several hours after school when I could be working with him on developing consistency and lifetime homework habits. He has also ignored my requests for reimbursement of medical expenses incurred dating as far back as January.

I apologize for the lengthy response, but I can't bear knowing it might mean my son will have to show a great deal of distress before we can appeal the court.

Yes, I agreed under the suggestion of my attorney that the pending ossession charges might jeopardize custody altogether. The charges were dropped after the 2-2-5 became court ordered. Also, his father has done everything he can to create the image of me not being a good mother including reporting to CPS I left my son unserpvised. when in fact I had double ear infection an. It's been awfully hard on my son and seems to get worse each day as I have started to stand up against his abuse, which is usually by way of my son since he knows it hurts me most. My ex is narcissistic in every definition of the term.

Some examples include, falsely reporting me to CPS for not watching my son (who was in the front yard with neighbors as they were watching him while I was home with a double ear infection), telling me son details of our divorce and arguments which has distanced my son from me considerably, returning my son to me after his 5day possession with strep throat (4 times), depending on me to pick up my son from school when sick and then taking him from me after work on his nights of possession, getting speeding tickets twice this year of which was for driving over 100 mph while my son was in the car, teaching my son how to spin the bottle, allowing him to drink beer, keeping him up all hors of the night while his father played co-ed softball, and refusing to hear any concerns I have (like handling a firearm) at such an early age. I have been told repeatedly in front of my son that "it's not my business". He hasn't allowed me even 5 extra minutes extra on days of my possession and won't allow me to care for him after school since my work allows flexibility of my schedule....he'll make the poor child sit in an after school program several hours after school when I could be working with him on developing consistency and lifetime homework habits. He has also ignored my requests for reimbursement of medical expenses incurred dating as far back as January.

I apologize for the lengthy response, but I can't bear knowing it might mean my son will have to show a great deal of distress before we can appeal the court.

Wait, your ex is endangering your YOUNG son by driving in excess of 100 mph with him in the car and giving him alcohol? YOU need to contact CPS to report this.

It was my son who told me what happened and it was out of the county while enroute to Dallas for the weekend. Can I still notify CPS under those circumstances. I am hesitant to approach his father on anything he deems confrontatinal as he will take it out on my son. I have held back on numerous occassions to avoid putting my son in the middle. How would CPS verify the citation or is that my concern? Thank you for taking time to respond as I came back to this website feeling very much alone as momentum seems to stay on the side of those who are abusive and manipulating.

It was my son who told me what happened and it was out of the county while enroute to Dallas for the weekend. Can I still notify CPS under those circumstances. I am hesitant to approach his father on anything he deems confrontatinal as he will take it out on my son. I have held back on numerous occassions to avoid putting my son in the middle. How would CPS verify the citation or is that my concern? Thank you for taking time to respond as I came back to this website feeling very much alone as momentum seems to stay on the side of those who are abusive and manipulating.

Your son is old enough to tell the case worker about the alcohol and the speeding. If you can get a copy of the tickets (I'm not sure who you would contact for that, sorry) or if he was arrested, the police report, have that to present to the case worker. If you can't and the case worker finds it to be credible, he or she can investigate to get the facts. It shouldn't matter if he was out of the county. The fact remains that your ex, you, and your son reside in the county and you really need to report this. If you KNOW your ex is endangering your child (letting him stay up late, etc. is not endangering the child...giving a 5 year old alcohol IS) you must report it. I think if CPS gets involved and finds that your ex is providing a detrimental (if not abusive) atmosphere for your son, you would have a much better case to present to the court for modification. Is there a clause in your order addressing that neither party shall speak negatively of the other? If so, you need to file for contempt to address the things your ex is telling your son. That is a very damaging thing to do to a child and amounts to emotional abuse.

The order does not address the rights or duties of either parent. I do have the right to determine residency and that is it. I am the primary caretaker and bear all financial responsibilities but no other right to the most basic day-to-day decisions. I receive $240 per month to reimburse the cost of our son's medical insurance.

What does a court define as "substantial change" in conditions in order to modify joint custody order? Does it require me to allow my son to be "broken" by his narcissistic father? It breaks my heart knowing he's gone to school tired and on an empty stomach. The educators don't seem interested unless a child is visibly neglected (bruised, etc) and his father is narcissistic so he appears to be very "charming", but he is overpowering and emotionally abusive.

As it stands, my son will only have me for only 6 months of each year. During those 6 months, I work fulltime reducing the time I have with him to more like 3 months a year. I can't nurture him enough in that amount of time; and time away from him gets harder each week. I had absolutely no idea joint custody meant waiving my right to being involved with my son to less than 3 months a year.

The order does not address the rights or duties of either parent. I do have the right to determine residency and that is it. I am the primary caretaker and bear all financial responsibilities but no other right to the most basic day-to-day decisions. I receive $240 per month to reimburse the cost of our son's medical insurance.

What does a court define as "substantial change" in conditions in order to modify joint custody order? Does it require me to allow my son to be "broken" by his narcissistic father? It breaks my heart knowing he's gone to school tired and on an empty stomach. The educators don't seem interested unless a child is visibly neglected (bruised, etc) and his father is narcissistic so he appears to be very "charming", but he is overpowering and emotionally abusive.

As it stands, my son will only have me for only 6 months of each year. During those 6 months, I work fulltime reducing the time I have with him to more like 3 months a year. I can't nurture him enough in that amount of time; and time away from him gets harder each week. I had absolutely no idea joint custody meant waiving my right to being involved with my son to less than 3 months a year.It's difficult to give the actual definition of "substantial change in circumstance". IF (and that is a very BIG if) you can PROVE your claims that he is allowing the child to drink alcohol, driving in excess of 100 MPH WITH the child in the car, failing to get the child medical attention and failing to give the child the necessary tools needed to be successful in school (sleep & food) would be a "substantial change in circumstance".

The problem is, the biggest issues are going to be the hardest to prove. If he had been driving over 100 MPH with a CHILD in the car, that is child endangerment. The police would NOT have let go with a ticket the first time, much less let him get away with it TWICE. Even when there is NOT a minor in the vehicle, it is rare for a person traveling over 100MPH to only be ticketed.

Everything else would be based only on your child's word. While CPS will interview the child and use what the child says to determine if there is neglect or abuse involved, the court frowns on children being called to testify against their parents in custody matters. So, unless CPS determines that there is a reason to remove the child from dad's house, you have nothing to go to court with. The fact that he recently reported you to CPS will also work against you unless there is tangible evidence to support your claims. You reporting him to CPS could be seen as retaliation if the claims turn out to be deemed unfounded.

I don't (or perhaps can't....) believe joint custody allows for the parent to have access or concern only during their time of possession. Obviously, the more controlling and abusive parent will dominate since any 6 year old is impressionable not to mention the father/son bond.

My son doesn't have a chance rotating between houses. A grown sales person would have a difficult time with this schedule. I am not perfect, but regardless of who is in the wrong...this schedule is not in a 6 year olds best interest. Neither schedule nor chance for consistency. Yet, he has not legal obligation to be the care giver or bear any financial responsibility either?

How can I stay strong enough to be part of his life without being able to nurture and care for him for less than 6 months a year? And even less when I am working full time. Please tell me my son doesn't have to show visible abuse before anyone can see the damage that is being done. His father use our son hoping to see me destroyed and knows I hurt for my son when he is away. Since he is the bully, he will dominate.

............I typed away rambling incidences which have led to me hiring an attorney to modify the order.....no need to read them.....perhaps, therapeutic typing.........

>We don't communicate; his father has told me repeatedly "you have no bright to ask me anything about him while he is in my possession"
>If he gets sick in school on his days of possession; he calls me to leave my work to care for him until he is done working. At that point, if I don't hand him over, he'll bring a police escort.
>I haven't been allowed even 5 extra minutes than the schedule allows
>I have offered to care for our son after school on his days of possession hoping to provide .schedule....consistency....develop good homework habits, etc... Instead, he picks him up and takes him to a friend’s house or leaves him in after school care.
> The poor child spent his summer between 4 different places while his father went to work, again I was available
> Father is on probation for drug charges and still takes son hunting when he shouldn't even have possession of a gun
> Has told our son all the details of our divorce
> Homework doesn't get done during his days of possession and is behind going into 1st grade
> My son came out of father's house carrying a rifle which he said was a gift from his grandpa
> Told my sister he likes "bud light" and his father lets him drink beer; will be driving golf cart handing out beer during next trade convention
> Showed me how to play "spin the bottle" - father laughed when I brought it up
> Child is tardy to school...recently "because we decided to have breakfast"
> Child still sleeps with each parent despite my repeated attempts to get him in his own bed; father doesn't have a bed for him so he sleeps in same bed
> Won’t put son to bed until he goes to sleep; after the 10:00 despite my repeated suggestions for consistent schedules
> Hasn’t reimbursed me for any medical expenses not covered by insurance (not much but exceeds $600 to date)
> Hasn’t bough one article of clothing or provided anything he needs like school supplies
> I schedule all doctor and dentist appointments and take him to them
> Doesn't want son in therapy and tells child the therapist intends to take him away

I don't (or perhaps can't....) believe joint custody allows for the parent to have access or concern only during their time of possession. Obviously, the more controlling and abusive parent will dominate since any 6 year old is impressionable not to mention the father/son bond.

My son doesn't have a chance rotating between houses. A grown sales person would have a difficult time with this schedule. I am not perfect, but regardless of who is in the wrong...this schedule is not in a 6 year olds best interest. Neither schedule nor chance for consistency. Yet, he has not legal obligation to be the care giver or bear any financial responsibility either?

How can I stay strong enough to be part of his life without being able to nurture and care for him for less than 6 months a year? And even less when I am working full time. Please tell me my son doesn't have to show visible abuse before anyone can see the damage that is being done. His father use our son hoping to see me destroyed and knows I hurt for my son when he is away. Since he is the bully, he will dominate.

............I typed away rambling incidences which have led to me hiring an attorney to modify the order.....no need to read them.....perhaps, therapeutic typing.........

>We don't communicate; his father has told me repeatedly "you have no bright to ask me anything about him while he is in my possession"
>If he gets sick in school on his days of possession; he calls me to leave my work to care for him until he is done working. At that point, if I don't hand him over, he'll bring a police escort.
>I haven't been allowed even 5 extra minutes than the schedule allows
>I have offered to care for our son after school on his days of possession hoping to provide .schedule....consistency....develop good homework habits, etc... Instead, he picks him up and takes him to a friend’s house or leaves him in after school care.
> The poor child spent his summer between 4 different places while his father went to work, again I was available
> Father is on probation for drug charges and still takes son hunting when he shouldn't even have possession of a gun
> Has told our son all the details of our divorce
> Homework doesn't get done during his days of possession and is behind going into 1st grade
> My son came out of father's house carrying a rifle which he said was a gift from his grandpa
> Told my sister he likes "bud light" and his father lets him drink beer; will be driving golf cart handing out beer during next trade convention
> Showed me how to play "spin the bottle" - father laughed when I brought it up
> Child is tardy to school...recently "because we decided to have breakfast"
> Child still sleeps with each parent despite my repeated attempts to get him in his own bed; father doesn't have a bed for him so he sleeps in same bed
> Won’t put son to bed until he goes to sleep; after the 10:00 despite my repeated suggestions for consistent schedules
> Hasn’t reimbursed me for any medical expenses not covered by insurance (not much but exceeds $600 to date)
> Hasn’t bough one article of clothing or provided anything he needs like school supplies
> I schedule all doctor and dentist appointments and take him to them
> Doesn't want son in therapy and tells child the therapist intends to take him awayAnd all of these are reasons that you should have never agreed to the 2-2-5 in the first place. However, because you DID agree to it, you CANNOT just unring the bell now. NONE of these things, even when considered together, is enough to modify custody in your favor. If you went into court with this and asked for the schedule to be changed because it's not working, the likely outcome would be giving DAD custody.

What do you mean "give Dad custody". As to imply I have behaved such that I would lose my current possession rights?

The order does not address the rights or duties of either parent. I do have the right to determine residency and that is it. I am the primary caretaker and bear all financial responsibilities but no other right to the most basic day-to-day decisions. I receive $240 per month to reimburse the cost of our son's medical insurance.

What does a court define as "substantial change" in conditions in order to modify joint custody order? Does it require me to allow my son to be "broken" by his narcissistic father? It breaks my heart knowing he's gone to school tired and on an empty stomach. The educators don't seem interested unless a child is visibly neglected (bruised, etc) and his father is narcissistic so he appears to be very "charming", but he is overpowering and emotionally abusive.

As it stands, my son will only have me for only 6 months of each year. During those 6 months, I work fulltime reducing the time I have with him to more like 3 months a year. I can't nurture him enough in that amount of time; and time away from him gets harder each week. I had absolutely no idea joint custody meant waiving my right to being involved with my son to less than 3 months a year.
You seem to be stuck on the idea that you should have pretty much exclusive rights to your son and that your son is suffering because YOU do not have him ALL the time.

I'm sorry, but the truth is that your son has TWO parents and BOTH parents have a right to raise thier child. More importantly, your son has the right to be raised by BOTH of his parents. Since you and ex are no longer together it is impossible for you to have your child full time, even if custody can be changed. That's a fact of life that you really need to get used to, for your sake and your son's sake.

Although the custody arangement that you AGREED to isn't really the best, it is the arrangement that YOU implemented. For the time being you need to concentrate on helping your son through this situation with as little emotional upset as possible. While you are doing that, gather evidence of ex's problems that create a danger for your son. Then later, after some time has passed and you have alot of evidence you can file to modify the custody.

What do you mean "give Dad custody". As to imply I have behaved such that I would lose my current possession rights?I'm willing to bet that there is a 99.99% chance that you can't PROVE the accusations against dad. Not necessarily because it didn't happen, but because there is no TANGIBLE PROOF. A 6 year old is NOT going to e allowed to testify in a custody case to something that CPS finds "unfounded". Many, many, many times, children would not be called to testify in a custody case even when CPS DOES have a case against one parent. It is simply detrimental to a young child to be called to the witness stand in court to testify against their own parent.

Which means, if YOU go to court and explain that YOU feel that the arrangement that YOU agreed to isn't working and YOU feel that the child would be better off with a "more stable" schedule, YOU will most likely be the one given every other weekend visitation. The child would then have a "more stable" schedule, only it would be with DAD as the custodial parent.

It's no longer a question of who is the BETTER parent. That has already been decided. Everyone AGREED, no matter what your motivation was at the time, that you were BOTH equally fit parents. You were both given EQUAL parenting time. In order to change the agreement now, one of you will have to PROVE that the other is no longer FIT to be a parent.

I have documentation supporting:
1) child repeated comes home sick after being with father and I'm left to take him to the doctor;
2) child was tardy to school 6 times in 2 months last year and 1 time already this year while in father's possession;
3) father has sent me repeated emails telling me to I have no business or conern asking if my son has done his homework while in his possession,
4) has not paid 1/2 medical expenses as stated in order.
5) teacher has to call me several times a week to be reminded where the child goes after school (on bus or to after school care),
6) homework is in fact not turned in or completed during his father's possession,
7) father has been convicted for criminal drug possession which prohibits him to carry a firearm. He has been hunting with my son since he was born and I have hunting licenses from past seasons.
8) is getting married soon and will be moving out of school district

Does any of this help my case?

I have documentation supporting:
1) child repeated comes home sick after being with father and I'm left to take him to the doctor;
2) child was tardy to school 6 times in 2 months last year and 1 time already this year while in father's possession;
3) father has sent me repeated emails telling me to I have no business or conern asking if my son has done his homework while in his possession,
4) has not paid 1/2 medical expenses as stated in order.
5) teacher has to call me several times a week to be reminded where the child goes after school (on bus or to after school care),
6) homework is in fact not turned in or completed during his father's possession,
7) father has been convicted for criminal drug possession which prohibits him to carry a firearm. He has been hunting with my son since he was born and I have hunting licenses from past seasons.
8) is getting married soon and will be moving out of school district

Does any of this help my case?

It won't help you change the custody order, right now, but you do have grounds to file for contempt (#4) and report him for having a firearm (#7). Is he on probation? If so, report it to his probation officer.

The e-mails are a crappy thing to do, but technically, he is not doing anything wrong. During the time your son is with his father, his father has control. Sh***y way to parent, but there you go. Look who you are dealing with. For the rest of it, keep a log (as you are) of everything. More time needs to pass with these issues to build a foundation to warrant a judge changing the custody order.

As to the teacher, print out a schedule for her. Also, you might schedule a JOINT parent/teacher conference with her and your ex to get this all out on the table. I know that you want custody changed, but in the meantime, you need to come to some solution to help your son in school. Maybe if the teacher is there with you, he will be put on notice that others are aware of his lack of discipline and endeavor to do better. If he doesn't come to the meeting or change his ways, that's just one more piece of evidence you will have to present to the court. I answered your question about the marriage in a pm.

Yes, he is on 10 years probation and has 5 more years to complete since deferred judification is no longer an option (after trying to put drugs on me last year). I have hand written notes from him that he sent me shortly before we divorced promising never to use drugs again and often thought about sending those over to his probation office as well. I hesitate to do anything which might put my son in an agonizing situation since his father doesn't hesitate to burden him with details.

What does it mean to be in "contempt" and what are the consequences? I just opened the mail and a letter from CPS just opened and the investigation against me has been closed. The incident date was 4/4/2006 and CPS did not investigate me until last month. The findings are allegations are not true. There is also a paragraph which tells me I can pursue the report as a possible attempt to affect other pending proceedings.

Yes, he is on 10 years probation and has 5 more years to complete since deferred judification is no longer an option (after trying to put drugs on me last year). I have hand written notes from him that he sent me shortly before we divorced promising never to use drugs again and often thought about sending those over to his probation office as well. I hesitate to do anything which might put my son in an agonizing situation since his father doesn't hesitate to burden him with details.

What does it mean to be in "contempt" and what are the consequences? I just opened the mail and a letter from CPS just opened and the investigation against me has been closed. The incident date was 4/4/2006 and CPS did not investigate me until last month. The findings are allegations are not true. There is also a paragraph which tells me I can pursue the report as a possible attempt to affect other pending proceedings.
Okay, report the firearm violation to the parole officer. As your son is in therapy, let the therapist know what is going on so that she (or he) is prepared to help your son deal with that issue.

Contempt means that he is not abiding by the court order. The first few times he is charged with contempt, the judge will probably give him the equivalent of a hand slap, but if he keeps it up, he can lose custody, go to jail, be fined, etc. If the report tells you that you can persue charges aginst him, then do it. At the very least, keep it with all of your other documentation. See? You ARE building a case. It just takes time. Hang in there.

My son just spent 5 days with his father. He's a beautiful 6 year old boy and is worn down by this absurd custody arrangement. Every other week he spends 5 days with his father and during those 5 days, any schedule or routine we build is lost. When he returns to me Monday after school, he is exhausted and distant almost like a visiting relative. He spends his time with his father on the go unlike our home, where he is allowed to be a 6 year old with toys and neighborhood friends to interact with.

I have him for the next 2 days (after school) which means he spends Monday after school resting just in time for Tuesday after school when we do as much of his homework as possible. Back to his father until Friday morning.

There is no chance for structure or consistancy since communication between his father and I has reached impossible. I am frustrated beyond belief watching this young child live 2 lives. His father doesn't encourage him to be a child not to mention he doesn't buy him any new clothes, help him with homework....just has claim to joint custody.

I understand the distress of watching my son live two lifestyles won't be sufficient to get the order modified. Tonight, I could see in his eyes the guilt of having spent 5 days with his father who doesn't hide his anger from our son. He is in therapy (doesn't want father to know) but I have to wonder how anyone can expect him to develop into a balanced adult? What can I do to stay focused without feeling the terrible pain in my heart?

My son just spent 5 days with his father. He's a beautiful 6 year old boy and is worn down by this absurd custody arrangement. Every other week he spends 5 days with his father and during those 5 days, any schedule or routine we build is lost. When he returns to me Monday after school, he is exhausted and distant almost like a visiting relative. He spends his time with his father on the go unlike our home, where he is allowed to be a 6 year old with toys and neighborhood friends to interact with.

I have him for the next 2 days (after school) which means he spends Monday after school resting just in time for Tuesday after school when we do as much of his homework as possible. Back to his father until Friday morning.

There is no chance for structure or consistancy since communication between his father and I has reached impossible. I am frustrated beyond belief watching this young child live 2 lives. His father doesn't encourage him to be a child not to mention he doesn't buy him any new clothes, help him with homework....just has claim to joint custody.

I understand the distress of watching my son live two lifestyles won't be sufficient to get the order modified. Tonight, I could see in his eyes the guilt of having spent 5 days with his father who doesn't hide his anger from our son. He is in therapy (doesn't want father to know) but I have to wonder how anyone can expect him to develop into a balanced adult? What can I do to stay focused without feeling the terrible pain in my heart?

The best way for you to stay focused is by getting all the proof together that you will need when you can file to modify. One of the best arguments that you will have later is to admit that you made a mistake in agreeing to the arrangement. All you have to do is explain that you truly didn't realize how hard it would be for your son. That, coupled with all the evidence you'll gather will most likely be enough to modify custody later.

When he started Kinder last year, we had begun the divorce proceedings and I was numb and in a fog. Consequently, I was not as proactive with his teacher like I could of been. So this year, I had the awareness to be more proactive and while I hesitate to use the word "aggressive", I knew I had to communicate with his teacher some of the issues my son is dealing with in terms of how it affects his education. The week of orientation, I made a custody calendar and met with her to "briefly" discuss some of the obstacles presented by the current schedule in terms of my son's education (coordinating homework with his father etc.) Last week, I was picking him up from school when she asked me to stay and told me my son would be working with a reading specialist because he was having difficulty and has not tested as well as he should have for his age group. I suggested a joint parent/teacher conference. I followed up with her yesterday to see when we would be meeting and she informed me she had already met with the father. This is the second time she met with the father independent of me. I've expressed to her that our lack of communicatoin is not her problem, yet am frustrated that she meets with his father instead of scheduling a joint meeting. How can I approach the educators so that both of us are part of teacher meetings? Otherwise, I'm not sure what is being said or promised by the father. I am very frustrated and feel like everyone is working against me defeating the ultimate goal of working together to give my son every opportunity to succeed. I am so frustrated.


It won't help you change the custody order, right now, but you do have grounds to file for contempt (#4) and report him for having a firearm (#7). Is he on probation? If so, report it to his probation officer.

The e-mails are a crappy thing to do, but technically, he is not doing anything wrong. During the time your son is with his father, his father has control. Sh***y way to parent, but there you go. Look who you are dealing with. For the rest of it, keep a log (as you are) of everything. More time needs to pass with these issues to build a foundation to warrant a judge changing the custody order.

As to the teacher, print out a schedule for her. Also, you might schedule a JOINT parent/teacher conference with her and your ex to get this all out on the table. I know that you want custody changed, but in the meantime, you need to come to some solution to help your son in school. Maybe if the teacher is there with you, he will be put on notice that others are aware of his lack of discipline and endeavor to do better. If he doesn't come to the meeting or change his ways, that's just one more piece of evidence you will have to present to the court. I answered your question about the marriage in a pm.

Schedule a meeting with the principal to discuss your concerns that the teacher is not communicating very well and ask that he help find a solution to this problem.

If, after you have talked to the principal, the situation does not improve, I suggest that you ask to move your son to a different class with a different teacher.